BPD and the silent treatment breakup

[steelwork]

Or not.

They're all different.

My ex has been silent for months. I can't remember the exact date he last spoke to me business wise but it must have been in June. We saw each other at the office in July but I don't think we spoke. Our last personal conversation was May 12th. Not a word since. I don't expect to hear from him. Most of me doesn't want him to either; no good can come of it.

Yeah, me neither. He sent me a nasty email and then ghosted over a year ago. I sent him a brief email last October to let him know I was taking our blog down, said I hoped he was well. He replied that that was fine, hoped I was well, that was it. So now he probably thinks we're on "good terms" and he can ignore me for all eternity and never address any of the f-ed up stuff that happened.

[WoundedBibi]

Or not.

They're all different.

My ex has been silent for months. I can't remember the exact date he last spoke to me business wise but it must have been in June. We saw each other at the office in July but I don't think we spoke. Our last personal conversation was May 12th. Not a word since. I don't expect to hear from him. Most of me doesn't want him to either; no good can come of it.

Yeah, me neither. He sent me a nasty email and then ghosted over a year ago. I sent him a brief email last October to let him know I was taking our blog down, said I hoped he was well. He replied that that was fine, hoped I was well, that was it. So now he probably thinks we're on "good terms" and he can ignore me for all eternity and never address any of the f-ed up stuff that happened.

The other BPD, the one I didn't have a relationship with but was emotionally close to let's say tried to do the same as number 2. Destroy me. And then contacted me EXACTLY one year after sending me the last text. The last of 2. The first was vitriolic wishing me the worst possible, the second was a day later wishing me the best possible. I ignored both.

A year later he sent me a LinkedIn invite. Delete.

[Caley]

In my own experience ST is generated by an NPD aspect. My ex did and continues to still do this. It's his way of feeling like he is in control. The more you try to pry through it, the more the person doing it to you feeds off of the energy you are putting into it.

In my situation the action was meant to hurt me as deeply as he could. Indeed he did. There has been nothing that raises my own frustration levels than to be talking to the guy ( and this happened DOZENS of times) and send a response to him on skype or IM of some sort and find that between him sending me a message and me responding, he had blocked me and nothing I ever did EVER could then get through to him and get a response until HE decided to stop the behavior.

I had a very long period where I was able to just walk off from it and let him be. Then he came looking for me, apologized, unblocked me, asked for another chance at the relationship, and within a couple of days the same stuff started up. I held up on walking away up to the point he pulled it on me completely out of the blue and I literally lost it all over the place.

I have yet to calm down about it.

In terms of offering advice to you, wait for your BPD person to come to you. If he does, keep your distance. If you just wanted to feel like there was no active upset between you and you wanted peace on that, then be cool about it, let there be peace, but really, I would discourage almost anyone these days from trying to be with someone who inflicts ST.

This strongly resonates for me Daniell.

I interpret these behaviours (such as ST) as a bid to control and force the person on the receiving end to be unquestionably compliant and accepting, even of extreme behaviour that most reasonable people would equate as very damaging to a romantic bond. It's simply, to me, a power play for dominance.

If we are to regard BPD's as child like in terms of emotional maturity ... then certain views and theories can be explained in the same playground philosophy.

IE.

Fear of abandonment = They need to dump you before you dump them so that they can feel in control.

Fear of Engulfment = It annoys me that I have to consider others and can't just do what I want ... !

So, if a BPD/NPD person is stuck developmentally in early childhood emotional processing then the above childlike, schoolyard attitude might have more weight in reality.

I agree with Daniell here ... the first sign of ST and not emotional openness ... I'm outta there.

[WoundedBibi]

In my own experience ST is generated by an NPD aspect. My ex did and continues to still do this. It's his way of feeling like he is in control. The more you try to pry through it, the more the person doing it to you feeds off of the energy you are putting into it.

In my situation the action was meant to hurt me as deeply as he could. Indeed he did. There has been nothing that raises my own frustration levels than to be talking to the guy ( and this happened DOZENS of times) and send a response to him on skype or IM of some sort and find that between him sending me a message and me responding, he had blocked me and nothing I ever did EVER could then get through to him and get a response until HE decided to stop the behavior.

I had a very long period where I was able to just walk off from it and let him be. Then he came looking for me, apologized, unblocked me, asked for another chance at the relationship, and within a couple of days the same stuff started up. I held up on walking away up to the point he pulled it on me completely out of the blue and I literally lost it all over the place.

I have yet to calm down about it.

In terms of offering advice to you, wait for your BPD person to come to you. If he does, keep your distance. If you just wanted to feel like there was no active upset between you and you wanted peace on that, then be cool about it, let there be peace, but really, I would discourage almost anyone these days from trying to be with someone who inflicts ST.

This strongly resonates for me Daniell.

I interpret these behaviours (such as ST) as a bid to control and force the person on the receiving end to be unquestionably compliant and accepting, even of extreme behaviour that most reasonable people would equate as very damaging to a romantic bond. It's simply, to me, a power play for dominance.

If we are to regard BPD's as child like in terms of emotional maturity ... then certain views and theories can be explained in the same playground philosophy.

IE.

Fear of abandonment = They need to dump you before you dump them so that they can feel in control.

Fear of Engulfment = It annoys me that I have to consider others and can't just do what I want ... !

So, if a BPD/NPD person is stuck developmentally in early childhood emotional processing then the above childlike, schoolyard attitude might have more weight in reality.

I agree with Daniell here ... the first sign of ST and not emotional openness ... I'm outta there.

I agree. ST is a bid for control.

Fear of Abandonment = dump us before we dump them so they feel control, agreed.

Fear of Engulfment is bigger then considering others of course, it is fear of disappearing into the other. So in my view another way of loosing control over the self. I see it as a fighting the others needs tooth and nail to prevent being sucked into the vortex of the other's magnetic field. I have experienced the feeling myself. It is scary.

I agree. ST or other first signs of immature emotional behaviour and I'm out next time round. I only stayed because he seemed to be opened when we first met. My gut felt the so called openness was fake, was not about him, was immature, but somehow I chose to ignore my gut. Infatuation. I thought of it as openness and then couldn't make sense of the 'openness' versus the ST and the refusal to open up. I was trying to figure it out with my mind in one corner of the ring and my heart in the other but my gut knew all along. If there is anything I have learned from this it is to trust my gut.

[Confused108]

I want to share something my ex said once that may shed some light, maybe, on how a fear of abandonment would lead to ghosting. This insight came to me LONG after the fact, when I stumbled on one of his old emails.

At the time he wrote this to me, I had not experienced any ST or withdrawing behavior yet.

(I'm paraphrasing)

"I go into a panic when I need to set a boundary with someone, and it makes me withdraw and avoid them. [Then he gave an example in which he had been panicked about setting a boundary, but then he did, and the person didn't abandon him.] So you can set a boundary with me, Steelwork! I promise I won't abandon you."

My translation of this is:

- He needs to set a boundary.

- He fears that doing so will mean the person will abandon him.

- Instead of setting the boundary and risking that abandonment, he ghosts.

Interesting... .

Yeah, isn't it? It stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. There were so many indications along the way that I was dealing with extreme abandonment fears. But THE hardest thing was when he seemed to be cavalierly abandoning me.

We can't know what's in anyone's heart. Not really. But I do think he gave me some clues along the way.

We don't know what's in someone's heart or mind. Certainly when they seem to change it every 5 minutes 

It might well be the boundary thing goes for my ex too. But he also goes into ST or just plain silent because he:

- believes no action (or no response) is an action too (he told me so). Which is true, just a cowardly one on many (not all) of occasions.

- wants his SO to be able read his mind

- believes conversations don't exist if you're not in total agreement with him/on his side. Then it's a confrontation.

- wants to punish with being silent.

- wants to be in control by being silent. I even witnessed him give this advice to someone after we broke up. We were in the trying to be friends zone so I was on a break together with him and at least one of his flying monkeys and perhaps someone else. The flying monkey complained he had a situation with one of his team members and the team member had said he only wanted to speak to the flying monkey through a lawyer. This sh*t can happen in our work. You get your manager involved and HR if you can't get out of it on your own. But you do need to keep trying first and you do need to keep communicating. It is our job and we are trained for it. Ok, this particular flying monkey is not particularly good at his job in my humble opinion... Advice from ex "just stop talking to him" repeated several times in an annoyed tone of voice. If I'm honest my ex wasn't particularly good at his job either... I didn't see it at first because he's really smart and his team adored him but they adored him because he bent all the rules to give them anything they wanted instead of what they needed which often isn't the same thing. He was a very weak manager. Not managing from the strength of his team but by creating a "us against them" culture. Them being the company. A hallmark of a weak leader in any company. I don't care what a guy does for a living but if he's not good at what he does that is a major turnoff for me.

I'm rambling. Sorry. Upped the dose on my dystrophy pills and it's difficult to think clear. My mind will clear up in a few days 

So very True!

[Confused108]

My ex would in the beginning kinda back off. That I would not hear from her. She did this twice. Not for a long period maybe 2 days max each time. Then she never did that again. Then came the ST. A form of Punishment! At the very end when she sent me the break up email and I wrote her back I of course  got no response. She then after I sent repeated emails and texts she said Since my silence is not getting thru to you! I was like What the heck? Be an adult! But then again I had absolutely no idea about BPD. Her thoughts and plans she made herself would change every 5 min or every other day. She I did notice could hold on to plans with certain people but when it came to me she never could.

[GoingBack2OC]

My therapist told me that ST is the #1 red flag in terms of signals someone can give that there are going to be major problems ahead.

Theres one thing in terms of I just need the evening to cool off, clear my head.

But honestly, after I told my exGFuBPD, explained to her that these silent treatment episodes were the most hurtful thing she did:

The frequency increased. The duration increased.

This after she promised she understood and wouldnt do it anymore.

Once she knew it was the most hurtful thing she could do... .she unleashed it full throttle.

[GoingBack2OC]

I sent my last text to my exGFuBPD yesterday.

I told her I still love her, but since she is choosing to remain silent, I am no longer going to try.

She can call me if she wants, with one condition:  She has to have the name, and have already called to confirm they accept patients for couples therapy.

I am sticking with that. I can no longer allow myself to be hurt by this behavior. It serves no place in my life, or the life I want. I'm just done.

I'll grieve. But in the mean time, I am going to start getting out there and date a bit, if only for the distraction, and to meet new people.

She will either call, before my heart has closed off or I have met someone new and just want to see where that goes... .or she wont.

But if she does, and theres no therapist lined up, all she's going to hear is a click.

Since making this decision, I feel remarkably better, that I have a plan. And I'm sticking to it.

[WoundedBibi]

I sent my last text to my exGFuBPD yesterday.

I told her I still love her, but since she is choosing to remain silent, I am no longer going to try.

She can call me if she wants, with one condition:  She has to have the name, and have already called to confirm they accept patients for couples therapy.

I am sticking with that. I can no longer allow myself to be hurt by this behavior. It serves no place in my life, or the life I want. I'm just done.

I'll grieve. But in the mean time, I am going to start getting out there and date a bit, if only for the distraction, and to meet new people.

She will either call, before my heart has closed off or I have met someone new and just want to see where that goes... .or she wont.

But if she does, and theres no therapist lined up, all she's going to hear is a click.

Since making this decision, I feel remarkably better, that I have a plan. And I'm sticking to it.

Two questions GoingBack about this couples therapy plan:

Do you think it is likely she will call you?

What is your aim/idea about the couples therapy?

[GoingBack2OC]

I sent my last text to my exGFuBPD yesterday.

I told her I still love her, but since she is choosing to remain silent, I am no longer going to try.

She can call me if she wants, with one condition:  She has to have the name, and have already called to confirm they accept patients for couples therapy.

I am sticking with that. I can no longer allow myself to be hurt by this behavior. It serves no place in my life, or the life I want. I'm just done.

I'll grieve. But in the mean time, I am going to start getting out there and date a bit, if only for the distraction, and to meet new people.

She will either call, before my heart has closed off or I have met someone new and just want to see where that goes... .or she wont.

But if she does, and theres no therapist lined up, all she's going to hear is a click.

Since making this decision, I feel remarkably better, that I have a plan. And I'm sticking to it.

Two questions GoingBack about this couples therapy plan:

Do you think it is likely she will call you?

What is your aim/idea about the couples therapy?

Do I think she will call me?

Honestly, its a coin toss, but a coin toss I am no longer "hoping for", if she calls I will be willing to talk with her, as I always have. But the pain I have been in for so long, I honestly am now at the point where I don't deny missing her, and yes that's painful, but she has been a vapor in my life for so long (like 1-2 years), that tomorrow will be no different from 6 months ago should she not call.

My point is, It doesnt matter to me as much as it did. Perhaps that means I am begining to let go and move on.

What do I expect from therapy?

Couples therapy is something she had brought up many times. I had agreed, every time. My only stipulation was she find the therapist. I'd split the cost, but she needed to pick the therapist. For the reason I didnt want there to be any possibility of her using "who I picked" against me... .down the road.

As for what I would expect? Well to be honest... .I don't think she would be able to handle therapy, knowing how she is. I think it would be clear as day to the T the issues at hand... .and I don't think my ex would in any way be able to handle being analyzed, asked to talk about her feelings, etc. If she survived one session I'd be shocked.

So, to say that she did go, and was able to stick with it, I'd give her the chance to try and fix this destructive behavioral pattern. I'm in therapy. I suggested so many times she do therapy too. But my patience has worn thin. I deserve better. And I don't know that she would ever be capable, at least with the time I'd be willing to give, to correct herself.

I'm going back to being the guy that aimed high. You just get to a point where enough is enough. It will be tough. But tough I can handle.

[Daniell85]

Prior to this recently ended relationship, I had never experienced silent treatment or being hung up on. I didn't understand what my exBF was doing when he first started ST.

I did ask him after a few episodes, and he told me he felt overwhelmed and upset, sad, so that was why he did it. Eventually I  came to understand that no, he was doing it because he was furious AT me. He wanted to hurt and humiliate me, use my feelings for him to force me to accept his damaging behavior.

It's been a horrible experience for me. He is still giving me ST. I guess it's a tantrum where he is holding his breath and is certain (once again) that my feelings for him will force me to cave and come back to him, where he will abuse me even more.

Not going to happen. I despise what he has done, what he is still trying to force on me. I know for him it's about winning, a battle of wills that he would rather die than lose. So he thinks right now.

I don't know how to separate the behavior from the man. Can't trust him, feel deep hurt, and a lot of anger. Last I hear he was sulking around feeling sorry for himself and falling all over the woman we broke up over. I don't think he really likes her that much, I think she has just been a tool to try and control me.

 bleh.

[GoingBack2OC]

Prior to this recently ended relationship, I had never experienced silent treatment or being hung up on. I didn't understand what my exBF was doing when he first started ST.

I did ask him after a few episodes, and he told me he felt overwhelmed and upset, sad, so that was why he did it. Eventually I  came to understand that no, he was doing it because he was furious AT me. He wanted to hurt and humiliate me, use my feelings for him to force me to accept his damaging behavior.

It's been a horrible experience for me. He is still giving me ST. I guess it's a tantrum where he is holding his breath and is certain (once again) that my feelings for him will force me to cave and come back to him, where he will abuse me even more.

Not going to happen. I despise what he has done, what he is still trying to force on me. I know for him it's about winning, a battle of wills that he would rather die than lose. So he thinks right now.

I don't know how to separate the behavior from the man. Can't trust him, feel deep hurt, and a lot of anger. Last I hear he was sulking around feeling sorry for himself and falling all over the woman we broke up over. I don't think he really likes her that much, I think she has just been a tool to try and control me.

 bleh.

Silent Treatment is without a doubt a severe form of emotional abuse. It is incredibly painful for anyone who has experienced it, and anyone who has not simply won't understand what it really feels like to be completely ostracized and neglected by someone you love and trust. It's violating. Its demoralizing. It destroys your sense of self worth, self esteem. It does nothing but create pain for the person being subjected to the silent spells.

You can say it's cowardly on their part. But I think it's much deeper than that. My ex was the princess of silent treatment, and was completely, or at least acted so, aloof to the fact she was doing it. A million and one excuses as to why she had been missing.

A few times it was so bad I actually called her parents, left them voicemails, messages via email- none of which were returned.

I think, based on what she has told me, she was neglected as a child. Both her parents are doctors, and they had her very young. I think they put their careers first, and I think she was an accident. That said, she was alone, and an only child. This shaped her in many ways.

Its hard to forgive such treatment. I cannot count the amount of times my text messages to her read:  Please answer the phone... .Please... .Will you answer? It's been 4 days. Are you ok?   

Sometimes she would go half way, she would respond with a simple 1 line text and then vanish again. Othertimes she would text, but refuse to answer the phone.

Regardless, it boils down to the fact that she has serious deep rooted issues when it comes to communication, intimacy, and emotions.

I often times, towards the end of my relationship with her, felt as though she simply never matured, or developed from a social standpoint past that of a small child. She's a very intelligent girl, with degrees, etc. But socially she is awkward, aloof, and withdrawn yet presents herself as someone who is "outgoing", has lots of friends, and is social. Its very perplexing, and honestly, very phony.

Ultimately, I'm crushed because there were a lot of qualities I loved about her. I did and do love her. But the communication issues she has, which I don't think she will ever be able to change, are a dealbreaker for me.

Silent Treatment, if used by any partner of mine in the future, will be a red flag reading - run for the hills. Run fast and far away.

It's damaging, and no one should have to be subjected to such torture.