How to get through the legal stuff, separation & custody

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I wish I had found  this site earlier... .having said that I understand so much more now about my marriage and my husband's disorder. It seems only after getting myself and my children out of the situation am I now fully understanding how toxic and destructive things really were.

My immediate  concerns right now are, how do we get through the legal matters when he will not get a lawyer or agree to sell the house or get help for the real problem.

[Cynthia]

I wish I had found  this site earlier... .having said that I understand so much more now about my marriage and my husband's disorder. It seems only after getting myself and my children out of the situation am I now fully understanding how toxic and destructive things really were.

My immediate  concerns right now are, how do we get through the legal matters when he will not get a lawyer or agree to sell the house or get help for the real problem.

[david]

Find an attorney for yourself and figure out how to proceed.

Only he can figure out how to get real help for himself.

[ForeverDad]

Sadly, you can't expect cooperation, rather, you will face varying levels of conflict, inaction and obstruction.  Accepting that, understand that you will have to be the to ponder strategies, find solutions, get them before family court and enforce your new boundaries.

Read the essential handbook SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger.  Whether you have a lot of conflict or just pervasive resistance, it will be helpful.  One piece of advice it contains is to have inexpensive consultations with multiple lawyers so you can choose a problem solver, proactive, experienced lawyer.  You don't want a forms filer and hand holder lawyer, you need more than that.

He won't agree to sell the house?  Well, family court can make that happen.  Not quickly, but if you work at it with persistence you can get it done.  (Hint: Just make sure to get it done right, you need an order that handles his most likely obstructions and delays and doesn't assume cooperation and compliance.)

Get real help for himself?  The reality is that court and most professionals will deal with him the way he is, they won't go out of their way to fix him.  After all these years and you weren't able to get him to work on himself long term, odds are they can't and won't either.

Be aware though that the professionals will assume you both are 'reasonably normal' and it may be a while before they figure him out.  So meanwhile be sure to protect yourself and your children as best you can, both emotionally and financially.

[ugghh]

To use the classic example, first put on your oxygen mask, then put on your children.  While it seems harsh, the reality is that your husband is a grown man and only he can make the decision to put on his oxygen mask.

When you seek an attorney, the code words for experience dealing with a crazy spouse are "High Conflict."  You will want an attorney who is not afraid to litigate as that is often what is needed to bring enough reality in the BPD world to force them to settle.  It is not uncommon for settlements to be negotiated on the courthouse steps. It is also not unheard of that the BPD hires an enabler type lawyer interested in lining their pockets instead of problem solving.  In which case, you will be going to court and a judge will be deciding.

[Cynthia]

I am quickly finding all these things to be true,  court papers are ready to go and he is hunkered down not giving an inch. I realize we are in for another bumpy ride. Our lives have been tossed upside down, displaced in a shelter, reliant on the charity of others and a system that thankfully is there for us.  Finally I am getting some clarity.

Thank you all

[Teereese]

Hang in there Cynthia, be strong. It may be a bumpy ride, but you will be better off in the end.

My divorce was finalized on Monday ... .after months of complete madness.

Woohoo!

I had some real low points but the end was worth it. I feel like I can return to life, my authentic life, who I was prior and who I want to be.

Ex and his L tried bullying, intimidation,  filing bs motions and wasting both his and my money. Mediation failed because he didn't want to negotiate. Direct orders from the judge meant nothing to him. He wanted everything and me to just disappear or crumble. I had awesome support. He finally caved because he threatened trial,  which would have costed another 10k. Well, I called his bluff. He tried to break me emotionally, financially and physically. He did not suceed.

I am glad it is over. The experience made me stronger, more confident.  I had lost trust in myself  after years of living with his disorder.

He stalked, threatened and abused my children, my family and I throughout. He belittled loudly and publicly every chance he got.

He really has no reason for contact, aside from paying child support, alimony and half of medical bills. He wants nothing to do with his kids. I have been painted black and hopefully he will move on.

He has a replacement and his focus is her... .actually he is on replacement number 3 now.

I wish her all the luck in the world. It will not be long until he perceives some slight or criticism and her devaluation will begin. Apparently, she is disordered as well. Either way, no longer my issue.

[Herodias]

Hang in there Cynthia, be strong. It may be a bumpy ride, but you will be better off in the end.

My divorce was finalized on Monday ... .after months of complete madness.

Woohoo!

I had some real low points but the end was worth it. I feel like I can return to life, my authentic life, who I was prior and who I want to be.

Ex and his L tried bullying, intimidation,  filing bs motions and wasting both his and my money. Mediation failed because he didn't want to negotiate. Direct orders from the judge meant nothing to him. He wanted everything and me to just disappear or crumble. I had awesome support. He finally caved because he threatened trial,  which would have costed another 10k. Well, I called his bluff. He tried to break me emotionally, financially and physically. He did not suceed.

I am glad it is over. The experience made me stronger, more confident.  I had lost trust in myself  after years of living with his disorder.

He stalked, threatened and abused my children, my family and I throughout. He belittled loudly and publicly every chance he got.

He really has no reason for contact, aside from paying child support, alimony and half of medical bills. He wants nothing to do with his kids. I have been painted black and hopefully he will move on.

He has a replacement and his focus is her... .actually he is on replacement number 3 now.

I wish her all the luck in the world. It will not be long until he perceives some slight or criticism and her devaluation will begin. Apparently, she is disordered as well. Either way, no longer my issue.

So happy for you to be out... .I am on the countdown myself... .My suggestion is do what ever you can quickly, yet think clearly and pay close attention to what your lawyer does and says. It is really hard to know what the best way to go is. I got a separation agreement really fast, before things could escalate. Yet now he has stopped paying my health insurance - he is in contempt of court and doesn't seem to care. I am worried about my alimony, but I am trying to make a settlement agreement because he lied about his 401k and stock assets. We will see how this goes. As much as I like the alimony, I fear he will leave the state (he is moving soon) and not pay and that will be another battle. I have to see if he is willing to pay up front to void dealing with him in the future. He may or may not have spent the money already as he has quit his job! Watch out for you and your children. They only care about themselves... .Good luck.