with hindsight... ~

[john83]

Hi. this is my first post on here, so if this becomes discursive, my apologies in advance. I think my ex partner may suffer from BPD. The problem is, she's spent the last two years convincing me that every issue (and I mean every issue!) we've experienced is solely my fault. More specifically, I'm not sufficiently attentive, thoughtful, affectionate, empathetic, sensitive, or respectful; I'm untrustworthy, I'm a pathological liar, a controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive, emotionally stunted abuser, incapable of accepting responsibility for my destructive actions. I have deep seated personality flaws that render me unable to form close, loving bonds... .she's questioned whether I'm a high functioning autistic, or suffer from early onset dementia, since she can remember, verbatim, conversations we've had in the past, where I've said something that doesn't tally with a more recent response.

We first met through a 'shared interest' forum on the internet. She is extremely intelligent, very sharp, witty, physically attractive, and on the surface, a highly competent, self-confident person. She had recently left her job and home of ten years to move to a new area, and when we first started communicating online, she was in the process of renovating her new property.  "What a girl!" I thought, such strength, such courage... .

I used to be a joiner/builder. She regularly posted progress reports on the house renovation, asking for advice regards materials and such. One thing lead to another, and in a matter of weeks, it became clear we had a lot in common. Then came the 'phone call. I'd given her my number when she posted on the forum that she was at the builders merchants' and couldn't decide which materials to buy.

The following evening, she 'phoned on the pretext to say Thankyou for all the help and advice; we chatted for almost five hours, long into the night. What first struck me was how 'open' and 'honest' she was, sharing intimacies of previous hurtful relationships, how she had an incurable health condition which affected her oestrogen levels, how she was unable to have children, how her father had mistreated her mother, how she had been mistreated by previous partners, work colleagues and the like. But she was strong, philosophical, able to cope with life's traumas and what's more, she felt that I was someone very special with whom she was able to be totally honest and open. Needless to say, I was somewhat wary, but at the same time, very flattered that she felt this way towards me... .Could this be the one? the soul mate I'd been longing to find? My previous partner ( a short-lived affectation, being honest) was pretty closed emotionally, so I felt that here at last was someone I could relate to.

Shortly after a series of lengthy 'phone calls, we agreed to meet up for the weekend. We had mutual acquaintances through the forum, so we wouldn't be completely on our own, if it became awkward. I was a nervous wreck! I'm going to spend the weekend with this new person in my life, an open, intelligent, attractive woman, who seems to have really taken a shine to me, and in such a relatively short space of time!

Suffice to say, during the evening, we both had a few drinks, and we ended up alone together for the first time. Things were going well, we talked trivia, we laughed a lot, and then the conversation turned to more serious matters. She was recounting a poignant and painful tale of how one of her previous partners used to abuse her emotionally, so much so that at one point she was on the verge of committing suicide. I smiled, not because I found her story remotely funny, but because I could relate to it whole heartedly. I too, some twenty years previous, had been in an abusive relationship and like her, had seriously considered ending it all. Again, I thought, this person is incredible... .shared experiences, and a willingness to be frank and honest about it... .hence my smile. She on the other hand took this to be a sign that I found it all quite amusing. She launched into a seething, searing attack, an intensely vitriolic episode, castigating my lack of sensitivity. I felt like I was trapped inside a cage with a wild animal... .I was a physically scared, cowering, and emotionally all over the place... .how could she think that anyone could be so mean-spirited as to find her story amusing? She'd got entirely the wrong end of the stick, she totally misinterpreted my reaction and lashed out with true vehemence. I cried like a baby... .first date nerves and alcohol notwithstanding, I was completely taken aback.

I spent the remainder of the night consoling, trying to reassure her that I wasn't the person she thought I was. We spent the night together but we weren't intimate. The following day, we didn't talk about what had happened; we continued as if nothing had occurred, and by the end of the weekend, we were on good terms. With hindsight, I should have walked away, but to be honest, I was under her spell.

Jump forward a few weeks. I was now travelling up to her house every weekend, to help with the house renovation. Things seemed to be going well. Inadvertently, whilst decorating, I called her by my ex's name... .I know this must've hurt and I was really sorry. My previous relationship had been very casual and came to an end when she decided to do a residential course in another part of the country. We hadn't been in touch for over six months, and we both knew it wasn't anything more than a social thing. My new partner, however, was convinced I was still carrying a torch for her. She was covertly following her on social media, and had done some background research on her whereabouts. The fact that I had called her by my ex's name was proof positive, that I was still emotionally attached, and as such, unavailable. Despite my protestations, she 'knew' that I wasn't ready for a fresh relationship... .she had known all along, and I was just being deceitful and dishonest towards her. She had put her trust in me, shared her intimacies and I had just demonstrated that I was not fit to be trusted. She went as far as to tell me she knew my own emotional state better than myself, because her medical condition meant that she 'feels more than other people' and is much more empathetic. This belief that I was still attached to my ex became a recurring theme in the weeks and months that followed. She's back up her conviction with 'evidence' based upon my behaviour, language and how I had 'waxed lyrical' about her when we first talked about past partners; I didn't, I was wholly honest about her, but this became her narrative... .just one of the 'facts'  that she would add to an ever growing list of issues, actions or inactions that demonstrated my unworthiness.

She would be fine for a couple of weeks, but I could sense that she was about to launch into another tirade. She would lay conversational traps, to see whether my current answers corresponded to previous responses. This would usually start of calmly and then build to a barrage of vitriol, heavy sarcasm, infantilizing language, threats to end the relationship, 'cross-referenced' examples of how little I care for her... .how I didn't 'allow' her to have any expectations, because I was so untrustworthy, unloving, inattentive etc. etc. I naturally argued to the contrary, but invariably ended up feeling totally exasperated... .as if I was losing the plot... .I couldn't keep up with either the pace or the context of her reasoning, and on occasions, resorted to jumping in the car and driving home, otherwise I would have beaten my head against the wall. Up 'till this point in my life, I felt that I had a fairly good handle on my emotions; I have my moments like anybody else, but I'd never experienced anything like this. Verbal abuse, yes, intimidation yes, but this was something special! Despite my attempts to understand where she was coming from, I could never seem to get things right. Whatever I did, or didn't do, she would find fault, however small... .and it all went on to 'The List', to be thrown back at me, when she couldn't contain herself any longer. See, one of the things she used to say was that I was so difficult to talk to, that I was so sensitive to criticism that she had to keep it all bottled up until she couldn't stand it any longer... .I prevented her from being open and honest... .I would shut down the conversation whenever I was being held to account; it was due to my failings, emotional, or otherwise, that she felt so unloved and undervalued.

Slowly but surely, I began to doubt my character; perhaps she's right? maybe I am "a sad excuse for a human being", a "feckless child, who's incapable of taking responsibility for my own failings"... .maybe there is something psychologically wrong with me? It's a slippery slope, made worse by your own self doubt and insecurities, and regular dressing downs by a 'loving, caring partner, who only wants what's best for you... .who never meant to hurt you'... .but NEVER ACCEPTS ANY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILTY FOR THEIR DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOUR... ."I only behave like I do, because you've driven me to it" "You've forced me into accepting a humdrum, loveless, lifeless relationship, devoid of intimacy"... .

So, there you have it... .there are countless examples of arguments, abusive and demeaning episodes I've omitted, and of course, there are two sides to every tale, but when you realize just how crazy-making it is to be in a relationship where you're solely to blame, for everything, and you doubt your very nature, it's time to walk... .which is exactly what I did last week.

Suffice to say, her behaviour displays the hallmarks of someone with BPD, or at the very least, traits of the same condition. On the surface, she's still the charming, witty, outgoing, self-confident woman I fell in love with... .a part of me wishes I could find a way to love and be loved by her, without the negatives, but after two years on this particular roller coaster, it's time to get off.

Thanks for your time. I hope this helps to clarify things for anyone in a similar situation... .

[Turkish]

Hello john83,

It sounds like her behaviors are quite a shock, especially being fresh out of a relationship with someone who did not exhibit these behaviors.

You found your way here, and that's good, welcome!

You have a lot invested here, it sounds like, but you're extremely frustrated. Take a look at thevlessins to the right of the board to start. Understanding how a person with BPD thin is a start to improving things. You've probably already gleaned that at a deep level emotionally, she's coming from somewhere different. Shame, a core trait of BPD, manifests itself in Projection . We as romantic partners are often shamed. Stepping back, or out of that can help reduce drama. It can start with validation. pwBPD (people with BPD) are like emotionally raw nerve endings. Validating the emotion can help reduce conflict. Let me know if this makes sense or is helpful to start:

Communication using validation.

Turkish

[john83]

Hello john83,

It sounds like her behaviors are quite a shock, especially being fresh out of a relationship with someone who did not exhibit these behaviors.

You found your way here, and that's good, welcome!

You have a lot invested here, it sounds like, but you're extremely frustrated. Take a look at thevlessins to the right of the board to start. Understanding how a person with BPD thin is a start to improving things. You've probably already gleaned that at a deep level emotionally, she's coming from somewhere different. Shame, a core trait of BPD, manifests itself in Projection . We as romantic partners are often shamed. Stepping back, or out of that can help reduce drama. It can start with validation. pwBPD (people with BPD) are like emotionally raw nerve endings. Validating the emotion can help reduce conflict. Let me know if this makes sense or is helpful to start:

Communication using validation.

Turkish

Hi Turkish... .I appreciate your taking the time to reply. Your response makes good sense. It's been a real roller coaster; we broke up/got back together a good few times, and on each ocassion, I was made to feel culpable. She was so skilled at justifying her actions on account of my lack of this, my lack of that, validating her reasoning with a litany of irrefutable evidence of my shortcomings, that I always ended up apologizing,  telling her how sorry I was for hurting her, reassuring her that I loved her, cared for her and really wanted to make things work between us. I guess this was what she was seeking; confirmation that all her concerns were real and valid, that I was to blame. If someone apologizes, that prooves the must be guilty, right?

It's interesting that you should provide a link to projection. Having spoken at length to my family and close friends, when issues arose, they all concur that the things she was acussing me of, were the very same things she was doing to me... .what drove me round the bend, was that she couldn't see it... .she never apologized or accepted any responsibility.

I know it's still very raw, and my understanding of the dynamic is still pretty patchy, but the thing that really gnaws at me, is that she's so very convincing to all that know her superficially, that she is this wonderfully warm-hearted, caring, charming individual, who's overcome adversity, has to cope with an incurable medical condition, yet goes out of her way to help others, that they couldn't entertain the notion that she could be anything but. I've no desire to bad mouth her to mutual acquaintances, but part of me wishes others could see it... .it would make me feel more validated and quell some of my own doubts.

I guess this will never happen, so it's just something I have to accept.

Thanks once again for your reply. I'll follow the link on projection and work though the Lessons. It saddens me to see just how many others have found their way on to this forum, but it's great to realize I'm not going insane, and support is on hand... .Thankyou

[Lucky Jim]

It's been a real roller coaster; we broke up/got back together a good few times, and on each ocassion, I was made to feel culpable. She was so skilled at justifying her actions on account of my lack of this, my lack of that, validating her reasoning with a litany of irrefutable evidence of my shortcomings, that I always ended up apologizing,  telling her how sorry I was for hurting her, reassuring her that I loved her, cared for her and really wanted to make things work between us.

Hey john83, You're right: a BPD r/s is a roller coaster and it's common to have multiple break-ups/make-ups.  It runs with the territory so you are not alone, my friend.  You are quite perceptive to note how convincing those w/BPD can be.  They are experts at shifting blame and responsibility to the Non.  Trouble is, we Nons tend to shoulder all that blame, which is an emotional burden for anyone.  It took me a long time to learn how to shield myself from the blame.  It's like poison, which is harmless if you don't ingest it.

Now is the time to figure out why you got in a r/s with a person w/BPD in the first place.

LuckyJim

[john83]

It's been a real roller coaster; we broke up/got back together a good few times, and on each ocassion, I was made to feel culpable. She was so skilled at justifying her actions on account of my lack of this, my lack of that, validating her reasoning with a litany of irrefutable evidence of my shortcomings, that I always ended up apologizing,  telling her how sorry I was for hurting her, reassuring her that I loved her, cared for her and really wanted to make things work between us.

Hey john83, You're right: a BPD r/s is a roller coaster and it's common to have multiple break-ups/make-ups.  It runs with the territory so you are not alone, my friend.  You are quite perceptive to note how convincing those w/BPD can be.  They are experts at shifting blame and responsibility to the Non.  Trouble is, we Nons tend to shoulder all that blame, which is an emotional burden for anyone.  It took me a long time to learn how to shield myself from the blame.  It's like poison, which is harmless if you don't ingest it.

Now is the time to figure out why you got in a r/s with a person w/BPD in the first place.

LuckyJim

Thanks LJ... .is the avatar ironic?

You're right... .after my first encounter with her Jekyll & Hyde behaviour (detailed above) the warning bells were deafening, but I didn't pay heed to them. Why would this be the case? Having thought about this recently, I think I rationalized it away... .put it down to the emotionally charged atmosphere of the circumstances, a singularly bad misunderstanding, heightened by a drink or two. Remember, we had been conversing over the 'phone, online and via email, more or less daily, for almost a month, before we first got together in person, so the charm offensive had already gotten a hold, and up to this point I was enamoured with the excitement and prospects of new love... .interestingly, I wasn't even looking to be in a relationship, but within a matter of days I felt as if I'd been searching for this lady all my life! Was I gullible? Who knows? Looking back, her appeal for help with the house renovation and my desire to reciprocate suggests a classic ':)amsel in distress/White knight" scenario. Perhaps it's a simple as that; if I'm a 'people pleaser', and this facet of my character led me into this emotional minefield then it's something I have to work on. As the relationship progressed, this was one of the things that she used to use against me; she believed that the only reason I helped her out was to bolster my own self-image among the people we knew on the internet forum. Soon after, she stopped posting online progress reports on the house renovation, countless building and joinery tasks that I was undertaking, every weekend and holiday period, at her request, to make the property habitable. Even this became a tool for oppression... .She had "expected that I help her with a good heart, not for some ego-driven desire to make myself out to be some kind of martyr"  The plain truth is, I genuinely enjoy the work and loved the fact that it was one of the ways that I could actually help her, and show commitment... .there were other ways, obviously, but in time, these were eclipsed by my other 'failings'.

This doesn't really answer your final question though, and it's a great one to pose, because if those on the receiving end of BPD feel anything like I do, it encapsulates THE question... .or rather the three questions: What did I do to enable it? Why did I put up with it for so long, and why did it take me so long to realize I had to get out?

I'm wading through the information on this and other sites to shine some light on it. I very much doubt that she will change; all her previous close relationships have been fraught and tempestuous, with both family and lovers, or so she claims... .abuse, neglect, infidelity... .It has never been her fault, EVER, so she doesn't see that the one common factor in all these unrelated relationships is her behaviour. Sad indeed.

Thanks for the reply Lucky Jim.

[Lucky Jim]

You're welcome, John83.  Actually my moniker comes from the title of a novel by Kingsley Amis that I enjoy, because the main character slowly comes to the realization that his girlfriend has a personality disorder.

Perhaps it's a simple as that; if I'm a 'people pleaser', and this facet of my character led me into this emotional minefield then it's something I have to work on.

I think you're onto something there.  Most of us Nons have codependent tendencies; otherwise, we wouldn't be in a r/s with a pw/BPD, in my view.  It runs with the territory, so-to-speak.  So you are right that this could be "something [you] have to work on."  Awareness is everything and change is definitely possible!

LuckyJim

[john83]

You're welcome, John83.  Actually my moniker comes from the title of a novel by Kingsley Amis that I enjoy, because the main character slowly comes to the realization that his girlfriend has a personality disorder.

Perhaps it's a simple as that; if I'm a 'people pleaser', and this facet of my character led me into this emotional minefield then it's something I have to work on.

I think you're onto something there.  Most of us Nons have codependent tendencies; otherwise, we wouldn't be in a r/s with a pw/BPD, in my view.  It runs with the territory, so-to-speak.  So you are right that this could be "something [you] have to work on."  Awareness is everything and change is definitely possible!

LuckyJim

Hi Lucky Jim... .I've read the book!... .although it was a long time ago... .I'll have to re read it, with a new perspective! I think you're spot on. Right now, I'm in the throes of feeling sorry for myself, angry with her and, peversely enough, missing the cut and thrust! I guess that having invested so much time and emotional energy into the relationship, it's inevitable that there will be a yawning gap when it's gone.

I feel like I'm coping pretty well at the moment, but a part of me realizes that this is because I'm focusing on her and her likely condition, fuelled by my sense of indignation, rather than accepting things as they are, and looking inward for the underlying reasons for my 'contribution'... .codependency is definitely an area I'll research... .Thankyou 

[Survivingher]

its interesting that you and her texted, emailed , etc for around a month before meeting.  mine did the same thing.  almost as if to build the intrigue before meeting and suck me in. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, John83, I suspect what you are noticing is the absence of drama.  It's true that one gets accustomed to conflict and turmoil in a BPD r/s, yet I predict that you will soon relish the peace again.  I didn't look forward to going home to my BPDxW because I knew a confrontation was likely to occur.  Now, I love boring nights without drama!  It's all in one's perspective, I suggest.

LuckyJim

P.S.  That's cool that you've read the book!  Yes, worth another look in light of what you've learned.

[john83]

its interesting that you and her texted, emailed , etc for around a month before meeting.  mine did the same thing.  almost as if to build the intrigue before meeting and suck me in.  

Hi Survingher,

I don't think it was any coincidence, although it is true to say that in this day and age, many relationships are initialized through social media, forums etc. But the 'phone calls were something else... .it was the speed at which we progressed from exchanging trivia to heavy emotional subjects. She would talk for hours; long discursive tales about the troubles she'd experienced, in  particular, how bad her ex-partners had treated her. She claimed that she had a tendency to 'feel' more than other people, was much more sensitive, like a kind of super empathy. This was due to the medical condition that affected her oestrogen levels, apparently. She would talk in great detail (often without pause) of how she was feeling physically, her various aches and pains, her fatigue... .again, this was more intense than it would be for 'normal' people.

Now this is quite revealing: after months of chronic pain, due to the condition, she finally decided to go through with a procedure, which she had undergone some five or so years previous. She was exceedingly distrusting and dismissive of the medical profession, aside from her old GP, who was utterly wonderful (black and white thinking!). Anyway, I stayed with her in hospital, while she had the procedure. When the surgeon came to talk to her, during recovery, she said that she'd like me to stay, to hear the great news... .She had found absolutely no sign of the condition... .a little bit of scar tissue from the previous procedure, but there was no gynaecological reason whatsoever for any pain that she had been experiencing... .despite having an extensive and prolonged search... .everything was in really good order... .Fantastic News!  When the doctor left us alone, I told her how pleased I was for her... .her response was "I feel like a fraud!" No joy, no happiness... .

In the weeks prior to the procedure she was elated to have finally found a specialist whom she could really trust... .a week after the surgery, she said that she didn't think this specialist was actually very competent, the exploratoration couldn't have been very thorough... .One further detail; whilst under anaesthetic, she actually died for ten seconds or so. the anaesthetist came into to the recovery room to explain that it was actually very common with this procedure. He joked that he'd had two 'die' on him already this week! There was no reason for any concern.

When she went onto Facebook, shortlyafter the operation, guess what the big news was? No mention of the all clear... .just how she died in theatre... .Drama Queen extraordinaire!

[john83]

Hello again, John83, I suspect what you are noticing is the absence of drama.  It's true that one gets accustomed to conflict and turmoil in a BPD r/s, yet I predict that you will soon relish the peace again.  I didn't look forward to going home to my BPDxW because I knew a confrontation was likely to occur.  Now, I love boring nights without drama!  It's all in one's perspective, I suggest.

LuckyJim

P.S.  That's cool that you've read the book!  Yes, worth another look in light of what you've learned.

Tell me about the Drama!  I'm still at the 'checking my phone for a text stage' to be honest, but improving all the time Within a week of me ending the relationship, she was made redundant. Long story short: she was forced to leave her previous job after having blown the whistle on another colleague for inappropriate behaviour towards a student. Needless to say, everyone was against her and it was all very traumatic, yet she 'had to do the right thing'.  Her brother offered her a job, within days of the impending redundancy, so she decided to sell up and move North. This necessitated her living with her brother and his family while she found a new place. No problem, as she was very fond of her young nephew, had friends in the area and looked forward to a fresh start, although the new job was only ever going to be temporary, until she felt sufficiently settled and stong enough to get back into teaching (Theatre and Stage!). The atmosphere at her brother's house turned sour within a matter of weeks, so she then lodged with her best friend nearby, whilst house hunting. She believed that she had a particularly special bond with her young nephew of which her brother's wife was jealous. She was made to feel very unwelcome, virtually ignored, hence why she left. She cast aspersions as to whether her sister-in-law actually deserved children as she wasn't a good mother, while her brother was now a spineless A-hole for not sticking up for his big sister, who had bailed him out on countless ocassions, and had helped him in so many ways throughout her life. Remember this was the same guy who had just 'created' a vacancy for her in his own small business, and offered to put her up while she found her feet!

Anyway, having not heard from her since the break up, she 'phoned a couple of days later, distraught. She could hardly speak. She had something to tell me: she was being made redundant. Apparently, her spinelees brother and his scheming wife had decided to put things in place months ago, so that her role at work would be no longer tenable. How dare they? Suffice to say, her feckless brother couldn't run a business, everything was slap dash and ad hoc, until she had put everything in order. Timetabling, schemes of work, health and safety, social media, scheduled meetings, admin, you name it... .in short, the company would have folded if it wasn't for her knowledge and acumen, everything was a struggle... .'fire fighting', she used to call it; if only they could see how much better things would be if they only listened to her and took her suggestions on board. I wouldn't mind but there were only two other employees, so it wasn't as if they needed all this structure anyway.

I hope you, and any others reading this don't mind me offloading in this way, but right now, it feels quite cathartic. The more I discover about BPD, the more I'm beginning to pity her (and others with the same condition) despite all the hurtful things she's said... .it must be awful to think that those around you don't really care, or you feel the need to gauge their trust on a constant basis.

I really appreciate your responses Lucky Jim... .you seem to have a real insight, and by the sounds of it, have perhaps come to terms with whatever you went through... .I hope this is the case

[Lucky Jim]

Good Morning, John83, Yes, I've come to terms with it.  The description of your Ex's peripatetic job and house hunting sounds quite typical for a pwBPD.  Sad to say, those w/BPD frequently have conflicts on the job and in their personal life.  It's a pattern, as you are finding out.  Of course none of it was her fault!  Yet if you hang with a pwBPD long enough, you begin to see that conflict is a constant for them.  For my BPDxW, it was either a problem with the Landlord, the neighbors, family members, friends, school teachers, and on and on.  Usually just drama, which gets tiring after a while.  Same old story, time and again.  Sounds like you have a good perspective so keep on doing what you're doing!

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome, there are a few seats still available for confused guys in with BPD partners. 

Hindsight is great.  Something happens on the internet in which we form emotional connections long before physically appropriate.  Word to the wise.

That said, I find myself in a long-term marriage to an undiagnosed BPD wife - all entirely without the use of the internet!  Hindsight would have said to listen to my gut - something I am just tuning into recently. 

I find you put to words my exact experiences - being blamed, made guilty, doubting my recollections, seeing her feelings become facts, subject to her anger and moods.  All the while she takes no accountability.  I have spent most of the past year now rejecting that.  I keep boundaries on what I am blamed for.  I forbid her to tell me how I feel, and confront her when she does.  I'm reading and studying as much as I can as I fight my way back to sanity.  It has helped a lot to know that my reality is reality.

Another word to the wise - cut it off before marriage, and long, long before having kids.  The best prevention of a terrible divorce is the prevention of a terrible marriage.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Samwize.  The problem for many of us is that we learned about BPD long after getting married.  You may be in this category, it sounds like.  I had never heard about BPD before a T mentioned it to me about nine years into my marriage.  At first, I was reluctant to admit that BPD mighty be a possibility, until I realized that my Ex fit virtually all the criteria.  Since then, it's been a learning curve that seems to continue even though we are now divorced!

LuckyJim

[john83]

Welcome, there are a few seats still available for confused guys in with BPD partners. 

Hindsight is great.  Something happens on the internet in which we form emotional connections long before physically appropriate.  Word to the wise.

That said, I find myself in a long-term marriage to an undiagnosed BPD wife - all entirely without the use of the internet!  Hindsight would have said to listen to my gut - something I am just tuning into recently. 

I find you put to words my exact experiences - being blamed, made guilty, doubting my recollections, seeing her feelings become facts, subject to her anger and moods.  All the while she takes no accountability.  I have spent most of the past year now rejecting that.  I keep boundaries on what I am blamed for.  I forbid her to tell me how I feel, and confront her when she does.  I'm reading and studying as much as I can as I fight my way back to sanity.  It has helped a lot to know that my reality is reality.

Another word to the wise - cut it off before marriage, and long, long before having kids.  The best prevention of a terrible divorce is the prevention of a terrible marriage.

Hi Samwize,

Perhaps I got off lightly! I can't imagine how stressful it must be having to cope with a BPD partner's behaviour long term, let alone trying to reconcile the emotional turmoil with the responsibilities of raising a family. I salute your patience and commitment . Be proud! When was the last time you felt pride? 

When I first began to question my partner's behaviour, it started with a search on the internet, following yet another round of character assassination... .answers to simple questions: Why does my girlfriend always blame me for everything that goes wrong in our relationship?  Why is my partner convinced I'm lying?  Why does my girlfriend refuse to accept any responsibility for her behaviour? BPD was mentioned in many of the responses. Up until this point, I'd never heard of it. I started to do some more thorough research, came across some in-depth articles and it all slotted in to place. I was talking to a good friend of mine this weekend, about this very thing and was trying to come up with a good analogy... .I said it was as if I'd been wearing glasses with the wrong prescription for the last two years, and then been given the right pair! My eyesight wasn't faulty after all, just the lenses I'd been squinting through... .

I've found that reading through the scholarly articles, finding the commonalities, the correlation between my own personal experience and those of others is very reassuring, empowering. But there's a pitfall to be aware of, that Lucky Jim pointed out above: it'd be easy for me to walk away and say "She has a personality disorder" as it explains the drama and negates my role to a large extent, but it doesn't negate my responsibility. I, you and countless others have allowed the crap to continue, for far longer than many would. Clearly, everyone's experience is unique and everyone will have myriad reasons for remaining in what amounts to a toxic environment, but I now realize the responsibility lies with me to understand what facets of my nature led me into such a relationship, to ensure it doesn't happen again.

By the sounds of it, you're taking back some control... .good on you. I wish you all well

[john83]

Good Morning, John83, Yes, I've come to terms with it.  The description of your Ex's peripatetic job and house hunting sounds quite typical for a pwBPD.  Sad to say, those w/BPD frequently have conflicts on the job and in their personal life.  It's a pattern, as you are finding out.  Of course none of it was her fault!  Yet if you hang with a pwBPD long enough, you begin to see that conflict is a constant for them.  For my BPDxW, it was either a problem with the Landlord, the neighbors, family members, friends, school teachers, and on and on.  Usually just drama, which gets tiring after a while.  Same old story, time and again.  Sounds like you have a good perspective so keep on doing what you're doing!

LuckyJim

The trouble is, they're so damned convincing, especially when the love blinkers are on

Reassuring to hear that you've been there, done that... .




got rid of the T shirt

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, they are extremely convincing, until you step back and actually think about what they are saying, at which point you often realize that they are usually just doing a good job at manipulating you through various combinations of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Hard to step back sometimes, though, in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Yeah, I've been there, done that and got rid of the T-shirt!  In my view, it's a matter of exchanging short-term pain for long-term happiness.

LuckyJim

[john83]

Sure, they are extremely convincing, until you step back and actually think about what they are saying, at which point you often realize that they are usually just doing a good job at manipulating you through various combinations of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  Hard to step back sometimes, though, in the throes of a BPD r/s.  Yeah, I've been there, done that and got rid of the T-shirt!  In my view, it's a matter of exchanging short-term pain for long-term happiness.

LuckyJim

It's really interesting to read that many nonBPD partners are reluctant to consider the notion that their significant other may actually have a recognized condition, despite the ongoing 'abnormal' behaviour, traits and reactions that would indicate a problem. Also, that many reach their eventual 'diagnosis' through sheer weight of supporting evidence. I can only surmise that this is a consequence of the F-O-G you mentioned. Fog is a such an appropriate acronym, since your reasoning faculties are literally clouded by dint of association with a BPD partner.

Long-term happiness is where it's at Lucky Jim!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey john83, You're right, of course.  Yet BPD is deceptive because a pwBPD can be high-functing and they are experts at hiding the disorder, which is why some people describe their BPD SO as a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  In addition, BPD is a subtle thing that takes a long time to wrap one's head around, which is why it is so insidious.  In fact, years can go by before one really appreciates the condition.  As you note, the shear weight of ongoing episodes builds up and, in my experience, BPD can get significantly worse over time, which adds to the realization that something is terribly wrong.  It's sad and complicated, of course, when kids are involved (I have two).

F-O-G is a factor, too, as you note.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Late follow up , but, you are so right LuckyJim.  BPD makes some people so much for savant in aspects of personality.  They can cloak and manipulate like nothing else.  And yet, for all the skill they have in hiding, projecting, reading, and concluding, they can't quite get the face in the mirror to focus correctly.