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Author Topic: Questioning my own outlook  (Read 312 times)
FallBack!Monster
Formerly AudB73, Back2Me16
*****
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 515



« on: April 19, 2016, 06:16:12 PM »

I visit this website almost everyday, wanting to read about people's feelings and emotions.  I don't always comment even though I very often want to.  What I get from this forum as well all many others, is that people are looking for answer as to why they weren't loved.  Or if the pwBPD ever did or loves them. I think yes. But in the only way they know how to love.  I do think they have preferred people, but it all depends on how much you provided them with.  I don't mean feelings.   They say they feel feelings but I dare you to ask them to define what s/he is feeling.  I'm going to leave that as that.  I did feel loved and that's what I'm accepting, regardless of what others might say.  If you felt loved, accept it as that and move on.  That's the least of your problems, so don't get stuck on that question for long.

If you focus on the comments here in this forum and other forums (even worse), you would probably feel 100 times worse than you did before we started to look for answers.  At least that was my experience.

In my opinion, what we have to take into consideration is the fact that the pwBPD "cannot" help it.  Yes, should be held accountable for their behavior, but what can we do about it? nothing.

I feel that we should not hate the person or diminish what was good about the relationship.  But the most important part (in my opinion) is for us to start to look at it as a thing of the past (if it is an ex).  If it is a current situation of which you cannot get out of, just pray (if you're religious).  There is no cure for that disorder.  It affects us all so much.  But I did read something interesting months ago, I wish I had the link before I started to write this.  I will look for it later and then post it.  But some of you have probably already read it... .

Anyway, it is a very important piece about how we take criticism.  Of course, we want the person we love to admire us, care for us, and basically be our cheerleaders while we deal with the struggles of life.  But if they are not, we should be able to stand on our own 2 feet, and pad our own backs w/o thinking that we "need" it from someone that doesn't provide us with it.  Idk, just an idea.

The article also spoke about how we should deal with our own issues first.  But would we be questioning our past issues if we didn't have a pwBPD in our lives? I am a little bias about that.  However, what I am 100% sure that the BPD experiences do leave you questioning every aspect of your personality.  Still, why should I blame myself for wanting to share love?

The article in question (which I have searched for but unsuccessful at finding), speaks about us nonBPDs growing thick skin, setting general life boundaries (not just for abusive relationships), but for life in general.  What we will and will not tolerate being done to us in life, period.

Again, if you're an adult and the way things have been going for you has not been a big problem up until now, why isn't it the fault of the toxic relationship that we had no idea we were going into?  Doesn't everyone have a narcissist, or alcoholic family member who was abusive?  When we grow up and create our own lives, we don't forget, but we do move past it.  If we are in a relationship with a supportive and not a selfish partner, we do okay.  So no need for therapy, unless marital problems arise.

Conclusion,

I believe that you can be friends or family member with a pwBPD.  I just don't think you should let yourself be taken advantage of.  Do what you can w/o destroying your own self esteem. One truth I did read in almost all the forums, no one can do to you (unless at gun point or some other dangerous method) what you don't allow them to do.  Not even your children.

To me is like spoiling a child rotten, they notice they have power over you.  They know what works and what won't, because you have showed them how much they can get away with.  They push the envelope and by the time you notice the monster you've created is to late.  Now, you don't know what to do.  That person now acts as if you have no spine and is completely disrespectful to you.  All this, as oppose to not spoiling your child rotten.  No means no! Take it or leave it, kind of attitude.

In my experience (i'm in my 40s), a spoiled child is often not appreciative of what they have gotten.  They behave as if they are entitled to everything you have.  Never considering your wants and needs; only theirs.  You did this to them so now you have to put up with it.  Kids who receive less and have shown to be more appreciative when they get something and especially when things get better financially and they start to receive all the time.

Now back to pwBPD... .I push you accept it.  I ask, you furnish.  I do wrong, you ignore.  I do disrespectful things to you, you just go on like nothing happened.  Every time I try to mess it up more and more; you just let me.  Now ask yourself, where you always like this; a push over?  Did you ever have a backbone? If yes, then why did you changed?  Do you know how to be nice, say yes, but still be assertive? If no to this, then yes you should have probably be in therapy long ago.

I still deal with my BPD ex.  I don't hate this person, nor do I want to waste my time with hateful nonsense.  I see her from time to time.  We chat. Sometimes she wants to start drama, especially over text but I follow my readings and I don't partake.  They live for drama and chaos.  Is that what you want in your life? No? then don't follow their lead.  Just look at where following their leads in the past have left you. You have to try to be the one that stays grounded; living in reality, because s/he (pwBPD) lives in a fantasy world.
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