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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: He proposed tonight (by text)  (Read 1255 times)
Ab123
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« on: April 02, 2016, 08:04:07 PM »

I've been trying not to come here. It felt like a habit I needed to move away from. Things are GREAT with my new boyfriend.

I hear from my exbfwuBPD every few days. Sometimes just a heart emoji, sometimes an attempt to get me to respond. But, honestly, it felt manageable, like he was just circling to let me know he was still interested in case it didn't work out with the new guy. Nice and not threatening.

So, today, he flat out proposed marriage. By text. One of the reasons I broke up with him was the constant push/pull. I've mentioned that (using different language) when I explain why i won't see him or leave my nice guy new bf to run back. So, today, he offered to marry me to convince me he won't just run away again.

I told him it was overwhelming and that I needed time (like weeks) to process, and that he shouldn't wait for me. (He is meeting people online dating).

I'm SURE he has BPD, and if I'm right about that, then he really really means it... .now... .and he would utterly fail to deliver within months. He would break my heart again. If I'm right, he's a vampire, the stove is still hot... .the darn ding dongs are still bad for me... .I know.

But there is that little voice: what if I'm not right?  What if I'm just the girl that diagnoses her ex boyfriends with mental issues when she doesn't get her way... .  Ugh.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 08:13:46 PM »

I've been trying not to come here. It felt like a habit I needed to move away from. Things are GREAT with my new boyfriend.

I hear from my exbfwuBPD every few days. Sometimes just a heart emoji, sometimes an attempt to get me to respond. But, honestly, it felt manageable, like he was just circling to let me know he was still interested in case it didn't work out with the new guy. Nice and not threatening.

So, today, he flat out proposed marriage. By text. One of the reasons I broke up with him was the constant push/pull. I've mentioned that (using different language) when I explain why i won't see him or leave my nice guy new bf to run back. So, today, he offered to marry me to convince me he won't just run away again.

I told him it was overwhelming and that I needed time (like weeks) to process, and that he shouldn't wait for me. (He is meeting people online dating).

I'm SURE he has BPD, and if I'm right about that, then he really really means it... .now... .and he would utterly fail to deliver within months. He would break my heart again. If I'm right, he's a vampire, the stove is still hot... .the darn ding dongs are still bad for me... .I know.

But there is that little voice: what if I'm not right?  What if I'm just the girl that diagnoses her ex boyfriends with mental issues when she doesn't get her way... .  Ugh.

Maybe this will help you put your mind at rest:

- does a 'normal' guy propose via text?

- does a 'normal' guy send heart emoji's to an ex who is in a new relationship?

- does a 'normal' guy propose marriage to a girl while dating others online at the same time?

Trust your judgment that something is 'off' with this guy. Give the voice in your head a Ding Dong to shut up. But DON'T touch the Ding Dong yourself!

Enjoy the new relationship with the new guy  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  And don't let the old one sabotage anything!
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Herodias
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« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2016, 08:25:03 PM »

"Maybe this will help you put your mind at rest:

- does a 'normal' guy propose via text?

- does a 'normal' guy send heart emoji's to an ex who is in a new relationship?

- does a 'normal' guy propose marriage to a girl while dating others online at the same time?

Trust your judgment that something is 'off' with this guy. Give the voice in your head a Ding Dong to shut up. But DON'T touch the Ding Dong yourself!

Enjoy the new relationship with the new guy  Doing the right thing  And don't let the old one sabotage anything!"

Ditto!  Trust your gut... .Poor guy. Whether it's BPD or not, it's not right.
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JQ
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« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2016, 08:25:24 PM »

Hey Ab,

I'm really happy to hear that the new beau is working out for you.  

as for the other issue ... .


PUT DOWN THE DAMN DINGDONG!          

J
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Invictus01
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« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2016, 08:38:15 PM »

Good move on telling him you need weeks to think about it. I put an approximately 90% probability that he won't be around by then. This reminds me of the story with my girlie when after 6 months of pretty much NC, she popped up and told me she wanted to meet up and catch up and she was gonna bring all my stuff she still had and acted all interested in what was going in my life. I told her I was gonna be in her city for a different reason in 2.5 months and until then I was busy with work travel and a couple of vacations. The work travel part was a lie, I could have been there any weekend (and I really wanted to be there, but I wanted to see how long she kept her sudden interest). I did meet up with her, but by then, her interest in me wasn't that great because she was back with the guy she dated right before me and was living with him. That would be the same guy she told she would never go back to... .Good times.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Ab123
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« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2016, 03:37:16 PM »

After saying the next text was mine (that he'd leave me alone) on Saturday, I got a heart emoji yesterday (which I ignored) and a text today, saying that if it's goodbye he wants one more night. (Ha!). I responded, joking that he knows I don't do one night stands, clearly stating that I'm not leaving my bf for him, and that I think he only wants what he can't have. He inferred (correctly) that I've fallen in love with my bf, and oddly assured me that he (my ex) will be ok. I didn't respond to any of his texts after I sent mine. My guess is that he has met someone that he's likely to have a r/s with, and this was just a last effort before he becomes exclusive with someone new. It has the same feel as when I was panicking while he was ignoring me and I'd started dating, unsure whether to move forward or wait for him.

I really think there should be closure now. (I know I've said that here before.).

Thanks to everyone for all the support, and for sharing your stories so that I could recognize the patterns.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2016, 03:41:24 PM »

After saying the next text was mine (that he'd leave me alone) on Saturday, I got a heart emoji yesterday (which I ignored) and a text today, saying that if it's goodbye he wants one more night. (Ha!). I responded, joking that he knows I don't do one night stands, clearly stating that I'm not leaving my bf for him, and that I think he only wants what he can't have. He inferred (correctly) that I've fallen in love with my bf, and oddly assured me that he (my ex) will be ok. I didn't respond to any of his texts after I sent mine. My guess is that he has met someone that he's likely to have a r/s with, and this was just a last effort before he becomes exclusive with someone new. It has the same feel as when I was panicking while he was ignoring me and I'd started dating, unsure whether to move forward or wait for him.

I really think there should be closure now. (I know I've said that here before.).

Thanks to everyone for all the support, and for sharing your stories so that I could recognize the patterns.

You handled it really well!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2016, 03:53:50 PM »

Not related to your experience ab123, but something you wrote triggered me. That your ex concluded correctly that you had fallen in love with your new bf.

It's something I have often wondered when watching something on tv, or reading about people in relationships and so on, and never could wrap my head around when people said something similar, but... .don't you fall in love before you call someone your bf or gf?

Maybe I'm just really old fashioned or maybe it's part of why I keep ffffing up relationships but there are some things I just don't get. In my world view you don't go on a date (unless it's a blind one) with someone you're not interested in and you first fall in love before you start a relationship. I just keep looking at people in films saying to their bf or gf they have already been on dates with, slept with, introduced to people etc. "I think I'm falling for you" and I keep thinking "aren't you a bit late? And what do you mean you think you are falling? According to me you have fallen already otherwise why the H would you be where you are now?"

Can someone explain this to me? Is it me? Am I weird? Does 'the whole world except me' start relationships before actually falling in love?

I often feel like a bit of an alien...

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Ab123
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« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2016, 04:47:13 PM »

Woundedbib - I'm as confused as anyone about what bf/gf means to adults these days. It seems to mean something different to everyone. Exclusivity is the only common theme. I think it means more over time too, in terms of expectations.

I think "falling in love" is a process, and it can be fast or slow. I personally wouldn't start a r/s with someone unless I thought I COULD fall in love with them. I've been aware that I'm "falling" for my bf from about week 3, and I think it crossed the line into being in love, for me, only within the last week or so. It felt like a nice healthy pace, actually. It was a good mix of butterflies in the stomach and conscious decision making.

With my ex, it was a quick uncontrollable tumble down the rabbit hole around dates 2-4.

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tryingsome
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« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2016, 05:53:06 PM »

Hopefully it was a txt poem.

It is national poetry month after all.
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Ab123
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« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2016, 06:48:29 PM »

Ok. I'm not allowed to post "I really think this is the last time I will hear from him" again. I'd even been staying away from the board, because I finally felt like: "okay, moving on now... .focus on the present." 

Oh but no.


Just received an emoji. Why doesn't he stay away? 

I'm deleting. Emojis don't even deserve kind acknowledgement responses.

But, it is super frustrating.  There's nothing more to say. Contact can only hurt, and he should know that, based on his age and life experience.  I guess it supports the conclusion that he's BPD though, which makes me feel better about staying away.
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steelwork
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« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2016, 06:54:32 PM »

Ok. I'm not allowed to post "I really think this is the last time I will hear from him" again. I'd even been staying away from the board, because I finally felt like: "okay, moving on now... .focus on the present." 

Oh but no.


Just received an emoji. Why doesn't he stay away? 

I'm deleting. Emojis don't even deserve kind acknowledgement responses.

But, it is super frustrating.  There's nothing more to say. Contact can only hurt, and he should know that, based on his age and life experience.  I guess it supports the conclusion that he's BPD though, which makes me feel better about staying away.

Really sorry you're still getting poked like this. Have you thought of blocking him on your phone? Or is that something that would be too difficult for you to do at this stage?
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semantics

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« Reply #12 on: April 17, 2016, 11:31:43 PM »

OP, you deserve a proper proposal. In physical person and with a ring.

My BPD ex proposed hundreds of times by phone and email and text. We were LDR and once he even flew me out to buy rings. Then his ex-wife drove past the house and he flipped into the most frightening person I'd ever encountered.

BPD is not stable. The idea of marrying is so completely different from actually executing it and then living in marriage 24/7. You'd think that anyone would understand it isn't so cheap as to be offered in a text message that takes less than x minutes or seconds to write. Don't fall for this at ALL, no matter how alluring the idea that he would say it. You deserve more and the right spouse is going to offer it to you considerately and with proper thought, preface, discussion, and planning.

I don't mean BPD is unmarriageable. I don't know that yet. I only know that my BPD ex offered marriage in this lame way for years, and now that he is living with someone new -- but still on dating sites -- I think this is  something they say to anyone who loves the idea of marriage. Because the tactic works.

I am so glad you are with someone you are pleased and comfortable with and enjoying. I'm not, and from your story, I can now see the pros and cons of it as pertains to continuing contact with BPD exes. The pro is that you have a way out, a reason to not buy the BPD's bid. But the con is that he wants what he can't have, and/or maybe now that you are partnered with someone else, there is now only so much of you available, which may or may not have been all he could handle in the first place. I might be wrong about that but my BPD ex tends to go all out to distract women who are otherwise engaged.

It's hard to go all the way NC anymore with so many avenues of connection -- but maybe consider it. My experience is that a PD ex will keep trying to re-engage, sometimes for years.

Good luck and ! you've handled this well.
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Ab123
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« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2016, 06:17:50 AM »

Semantics - thank you. That is really insightful and helpful.

Steelwork - I don't want to block him. I might feel differently about it if he were texting daily or I felt threatened. But, I have my own abandonment issues, and it would make me feel absolutely awful if someone blocked me. He really hasn't done anything to deserve that.

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arjay
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« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2016, 10:26:51 AM »

I've been trying not to come here. It felt like a habit I needed to move away from. Things are GREAT with my new boyfriend.

I hear from my exbfwuBPD every few days. Sometimes just a heart emoji, sometimes an attempt to get me to respond. But, honestly, it felt manageable, like he was just circling to let me know he was still interested in case it didn't work out with the new guy. Nice and not threatening.

It is a good thing that you are happy with your new relationship, so why are you staying "engaged" with the xBF by answering texts?   Are you still hoping for some-thing yourself?

Part of moving on is recognizing "any contact" will only prolong the breakup and moving-on process.   Likewise some of us thought marriage would "fix" some of the problems we experienced in the relationship.  It only made things much worse and our relationship legally binding.

Using this site as a "reminder" of the relationships with BPDs is what kept me moving forward, especially in the early stages of trying to move-on when I was still vulnerable.

Peace

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steelwork
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« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2016, 10:33:18 AM »

Semantics - thank you. That is really insightful and helpful.

Steelwork - I don't want to block him. I might feel differently about it if he were texting daily or I felt threatened. But, I have my own abandonment issues, and it would make me feel absolutely awful if someone blocked me. He really hasn't done anything to deserve that.

I'd probably feel the same way--though I think he would not know he was blocked on phone. Honestly, i don't know that my ex blocked me--I just assume. And it does hurt.

Dumb q: have you told him how you feel about the emojis?
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Ab123
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« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2016, 06:43:00 PM »

I haven't said how I feel about the emojis.

He escalated. Again. He got me to engage by sending me some pictures he said he was deleting from his phone.  I responded, saying taking you and telling him to take care of himself. That prompted a new round of promises. And letting me know he has an appointment this week to see about a prescription for a mood stabilizer.  He agreed to get a referal to therapy too.

Checkmate. I said I'd get a cup of coffee with him in a month, at least to hear him out and say goodbye in person, if he starts therapy. He asked if he should stop dating in the meantime. I actually said "no". I don't want to feel obliged.

He has never had any psych help before, so this is actually huge. It's awesome for him, regardless of "us."  I'm still processing.
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