Family Party

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My father is throwing a big party and my D30 is coming in from out of state. Her father and I are divorced. I live with uBPDbf who is very insecure and jealous. My D30 invited her father to the party to spend time with him since she's only here briefly -- with the okay of my father. We all get along - not a messy divorce and no one hates any one.

Of course when uBPDbf found out my xH was invited, he raged and said I should have told D30 that out of respect for him she shouldn't have invited her father. He has never respected any one in my family including me. He's disrespected me in front of my kids on numerous occasions and my kids can't stand him.

I stand by my decision not to uninvite my xH and not to give in to uBPDbf' jealousy. Thoughts anyone?

[toomanyeggshells]

My father is throwing a big party and my D30 is coming in from out of state. Her father and I are divorced. I live with uBPDbf who is very insecure and jealous. My D30 invited her father to the party to spend time with him since she's only here briefly -- with the okay of my father. We all get along - not a messy divorce and no one hates any one.

Of course when uBPDbf found out my xH was invited, he raged and said I should have told D30 that out of respect for him she shouldn't have invited her father. He has never respected any one in my family including me. He's disrespected me in front of my kids on numerous occasions and my kids can't stand him.

I stand by my decision not to uninvite my xH and not to give in to uBPDbf' jealousy. Thoughts anyone?

[Notwendy]

I think one way to look at this is boundaries. You , your D, your ex, and your father are all separate people. They can make their own decisions. It isn't your place to disinvite your Ex- it isn't your party and your D invited him.

Since the issue your bf is bringing up reflects his insecurity, dealing with that issue- JADEing over the respect/disrespect, should you disinvite him is really sort of a smokescreen. If you JADE, he will feel invalidated as this is about his hurt feelings.

When two people divorce, if they have a child together, in many cases, they still remain in each other's lives as parents to that child. It is just the way it is. When someone is in a relationship a divorced parent, then they can't realistically expect their partner to not have some kind of contact with their ex- at family events, graduations, weddings if they have both parented the child.

Your D is a grown adult. She can invite who she wants. It's your father's party, he can invite who he wants. If someone has an issue with who is attending ,then they can choose whether to attend or not. IMHO, disinviting other guests isn't their domain. You also have a choice- this is your father, and your D and you can attend whether or not your BF likes it or not.

[Notwendy]

He has never respected any one in my family including me. He's disrespected me in front of my kids on numerous occasions and my kids can't stand him.


It isn't about respect, even if he says it is. It's about his insecurities. Getting into this tangent can lead to those circular discussions that lead nowhere as he piles on "evidence" that sounds convincing to justify the premise he makes while not disclosing his fears ( that you will like your ex? who knows, it may not make sense to you).


pw BPD and co-dependency may be part of enmeshed families that have poor boundaries. This isn't necessarily that they hurt each other's feelings but that they don't see where each of them is an individual with a mind of their own.  In my mother's FOO, one has to invite all of them or they are insulted and then as a group don't attend. If I speak to one member, the conversation is shared between all of them. They are not mean people, it just feels as if they are one person. So, I could see where, if a grown child invited someone, then one might expect another family member to disinvite them. But I see this as crossing over a personal boundary.

[toomanyeggshells]

Notwendy, I agree with you completely.  I know this is all about his insecurity and jealousy. He makes comments about me getting back with xH every time my kids come back to visit and he knows xH might be around me. I've been able to ignore it and just go forward over the last 6 years but it drives me crazy.  UBPDbf has 2 x-wives and I've been around them both when there are family parties for his kids/grandkids.  Since I'm not insecure and jealous, there's no problem. 

And there was definitely no JADEing going on.  When he rages about this (or anything else), I ignore him.  I don't respond in any way at all. 

Thanks for your comments 

[Lucky Jim]

I stand by my decision not to uninvite my xH and not to give in to uBPDbf' jealousy. Thoughts anyone?

Agree, TME.  Stand firm, is my suggestion.  My BPDxW would rant and rave, and rage, until she discovered that I was unwilling to give in to her manipulations.  (Took me a long time to get strong enough to do this).  Nevertheless, when she came up against stone, she backed down and even willingly joined in my decision.  But she would take it to the edge first, and if she sensed any weakness on my part, would pressure me with F-O-G to see if I would capitulate.  I learned to pick my battles.  If something was important to me, I wouldn't back down, which made all the difference.

LuckyJim