Feeling weak

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi all,

Here is my original post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292025.0

It's been almost 2 months with NC and now I am moving my post from saving a relationship to this forum. After all the provoking, 2 weeks ago he started to give me these blank stares. I stared back at him and kept walking for a week or so. Last week, I stopped coz I don't even want to know if he is staring or not. And he is doing it back to me (Looked at me real quick, then kept walking). Last Friday it's Hero day at work, so everyone needs to dress as a hero (i.e., doctors, nurses... .). He wore the Dragon Ball Z sweater that I bought him... .when he saw that I saw him, I could see a smirk on the side of his face.

2 days ago I changed my fb setting, and now he can see a perfectly blank page if he ever want to search for my name.

This week is vacation week and I have been feeling very depressed because I no longer spend any of my free time with this person. I am also feeling extremely anxious to go back to work on Monday, pretending that I am "bullet-proof" again, no looking, pretend that he is completely invisible and keep walking.

I have such a strong urge to call and to text, but I can't. Feeling so weak... .

[Kinglychee1928]

Hi all,

Here is my original post: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=292025.0

It's been almost 2 months with NC and now I am moving my post from saving a relationship to this forum. After all the provoking, 2 weeks ago he started to give me these blank stares. I stared back at him and kept walking for a week or so. Last week, I stopped coz I don't even want to know if he is staring or not. And he is doing it back to me (Looked at me real quick, then kept walking). Last Friday it's Hero day at work, so everyone needs to dress as a hero (i.e., doctors, nurses... .). He wore the Dragon Ball Z sweater that I bought him... .when he saw that I saw him, I could see a smirk on the side of his face.

2 days ago I changed my fb setting, and now he can see a perfectly blank page if he ever want to search for my name.

This week is vacation week and I have been feeling very depressed because I no longer spend any of my free time with this person. I am also feeling extremely anxious to go back to work on Monday, pretending that I am "bullet-proof" again, no looking, pretend that he is completely invisible and keep walking.

I have such a strong urge to call and to text, but I can't. Feeling so weak... .

[Turkish]

So what's happened since you wrote this? A r/s at work can be tough, BPD aside.

Though I wasn't in a romantic r/s, I was in an unhealthy frienship with a woman at work 20 years ago. DV with her H, then bf, alcoholism, drugs, a 5150... .only I and our boss knew at the time. There were some romantic underpinnings in the end.

What are you doing to keep yourself safe?

[Kinglychee1928]

Thank you for the response. I went back to work today. Just continue with NC, not even eye contact. It's hard and he definitely passed by many times at work today. We are both pretending we are complete strangers. At this point, I don't think there's anything I can do to stay "safe" at work. He could continue to keep provoking and I honestly don't know what I can do. Clearly I can't do anything to stop him, so I feel very powerless. I have been just taking all the provoking and try my very best to not show any kind of reaction, even when he went out of his way to piss me off (shared on my orginal post). It's been very difficult when I can't even stand up for myself to tell him to stop. Just to top it off, his mom is my boss and we had a long conversation about him when he discarded the first time last year in August. Fortunately his mom is very understanding and she told me "if you think he is worth it, reach out. If not, I want you to walk away and move on." Of course I reached out at the time and now I got discarded again. I'm attending a meeting with his mom on Wednesday and I'm extremely anxious. I don't want her to ask me anything about him... .

Any suggestions on how I should deal with him AND his mom in work situations?

[bus boy]

Getting the BPD out of your system is not an easy task. If you truly want to heal and move on in life  you have to make changes, depending on how bad you want these changes is up to you. There is no half ways, with getting the BPD out of your life. They are not your friend, not your do you want to go for a coffee pal. They are the consumer of your soul.

[Kinglychee1928]

Thank you for the reminder bus boy. I needed to hear it again and again. Part of me always feel like why would I ever walk away from a person because he/she is sick? But it has been very emotionally draining 2 years, and now I am becoming sick... .So I guess at this point I shouldn't be taking care of anyone else but myself. It's so sickening even to myself when I have the urge to reach out. It's just difficult that he is in my face every single day at work... .

Any suggestions that you guys have tried and it's been helpful to fight the urge for wanting to reach out? I am doing my best and one more week I will reach my 2 months NC.   

[sweet tooth]

This is much easier said than done, but I suggest that you apply for new jobs.

[bus boy]

Well said sweet tooth. Take that advice, look for another job.