SIBLING ISSUES

[SAAT]

 :'( :'(I have three daughters aged 35, 31 and 24.  The 24 yr old is diagnosed BPD and BIPOLAR. The two older daughters are both highly successful professionals who live 1500 kms away from me and BPDD24.  Following a meltdown by BPDD24 on Christmas Day two older sisters have completely disowned her.  Unfortunately this means they just pretend she doesn't exist. They don't ask whatshe is doing, if she has a job etc.  If I mention her name, there is a frosty silence. One recently visited and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with BPDD24. All three girls were very close growing up.  I find it really frustrating they cannot move on from BPDD24s meltdowns and it pretty much means I and my husband are the only ones supporting BPDD24.

Any suggestions on how to address this? In the past I have tried mediating and encouraging them all to communicate but now I find it say too stressful in case it goes bad. I have tried encouraging them to read articles etc, but they have obviously decided they don't want to deal with BDD24s behaviour.  

It would make life a lot more bearable for me if I could at least talk to them about BPD24 and her problems.  One of them is a mental health professional!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Have you tried just validating them?  Sometime validation helps us move away from our emotional mind and move towards our logic/reasoning mind where we can synthesize both and achieve wisemind.

When we can achieve wisemind we can then talk about skills like setting boundaries that protect (not abandon) relationships with difficult people in our lives.  Can you be the leader by example to them?

It would be best to save discussing your frustrations and fears for your d24 with us, therapists, or friends that can validate you.    This can help protect your relationships with your other daughters as well as their potential relationship with their sister.

lbj

[SAAT]

Thks Ibjnltx,

Great suggestions as always. I would validate if they would broach the subject!  I have decided I will not leave BPDD24 out of our conversations, meaning I will talk about outings together etc. I will take your advice and not load them with my problems.

We moved here 5 years ago.  BPD has severely limited my opportunities to make friends I can talk to about these problems. It is a very alienating illness/I am also sometimes hesitant to talk about my daughter's issues - I feel I am invading her privacy

[lbjnltx]

I know what you mean.  I relied heavily on this site as I had no one who understood the gravity and complexity of my d's illness and the constant catch 22 position I found myself in. 

lbj

[Sunfl0wer]

I hope my reply does not sound invalidating.  It is extremely painful when we cannot have the relationships with loved ones that we desire, I am sorry.

My words are that of a sibling whose sister is ill.

My sister has both BPD and BP.  I cannot have a relationship with her that is emotionally safe for me.  I have not spoke to her for many years.  I do talk a little bit to one family member who is in contact with her, but the discussion is limited to non emotional matters such as employment status, etc.  If someone felt the need to draw me back into her issues in anyway, I would again feel unsafe and need to distance myself.  I would especially not like to discuss anyone's upsetness as a (direct or indirect) result of their choice to remain in contact with her, as that is the reason I need to limit my own exposure to her, to minimize the experience of such emotional pain and confusion.

I am the only one responsible for my wellbeing, so this is how I have chosen to care for me.  (I prefer to not have to defend that boundary repetitively with anyone who cares for me.)

I have tried other ways to minimize distress or compartmentalize issues and in some way have some type of relationship with my sister, yet, this did not work for me.

[Kate4queen]

It's sad, but you can't force them to have a relationship with her.

I hate to say it, but they've probably been through a lot with their sister and if they are anything like my BPD's siblings they have often felt that their needs have been neglected in favor of the BPD's for years.

My eldest son will not speak to or acknowledge his sibling with BPD, and you know what? I totally understand why, and to me when we discussed his reasons it was equally important to validate his choice to do that as a 25 year old adult.

My youngest son totally validates his BPD sibling to the extent of cutting eldest sibling, youngest and us out as well.

There is no 'everyone has to like each other' scenario with this disorder. It hurts us all and in the end, I decided that letting my adult children make their own decisions about how they want to deal with the BPD person in their life, and they at least have a choice-was important.

I think you've found the right site where people without the emotional baggage our own families bring with them on this issue to vent to and get help.

[SAAT]

Thank you both SUNFLOWER and KATE4QUEEN.  You have given me valuable insight.  Sunflower - I am pretty sure your words accurately reflect how my middle daughter feels.  She has always been the one to trigger my BPD daughter.  She has done nothing to deserve this treatment and has always been supportive of me.  What makes me saddest is I see how my BPD daughter misses her sister - but then if they are ever in a family situation, BPD daughter invariably finds the pressure to reconcile too much and has a meltdown.

Thank you Kate4queen. I feel better knowing I am not alone in my situation.  I brought my girls up pretty much my myself, and the middle daughter was a semi-parent to BPD daughter whilst I was at work.  I think this has made BPDs treatment of her even harder to tolerate as she gave up a lot of her teenage years looking after BPD.  They were so close!  It breaks my heart.

Once again thank you for your time

[wendydarling]

Hi SAAT

Thanks for your post and to Sunflower and Kate4queen's experiences which are helpful to me too, my daughter is a single child. I have raised her on my own.  Being a single child I have always encouraged her friendships, our home was home to many families when she was young and still is. They don't live here by the way! They know our door is always open and they are welcome    From her stay in the crisis home in February, two women she met and made friends with have visited us.

I recognise many BPDs feel isolated and have difficulties maintaining relationships. My personal experience is my daughter's friends have stood by her. I believe many will continue to be with her because they understand BPD and some in her network are dealing with their own mental health issues, they can relate and support each other.  Late last year she let two girlfriends go, they both have mental health issues. My daughter realised she could not support them and they could not support her at this time.  That does not mean they are not friends, we hope the girlfriends are working towards recovery and come back when they feel able as they are always welcome.

I looked back at the posts and I could not see where you share your daughters current situation. How is your daughter?

WDx