She's trying to push my buttons? Maybe?

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend, with whom I had a brief affair a year ago, flew to another state today for her grandmother's funeral, which is tomorrow.  I texted her and told her to have a good flight, and she thanked me.  All day long, she was on Snapchat, posting pictures and viewing my pictures. 

A few minutes ago, I got an actual Snap from her.  She was standing in the hotel bathroom, wearing the bikini that she bought last year.  It wasn't posted to her story, but I'm assuming I'm not the only one she sent it to because her score went up several points, so I didn't comment on it.  The story behind the bikini is that she bought it when she visited her mom last spring, which is when she first started flirting with me.  The whole time she was away, she texted me constantly and sent me pictures.  She sent me a picture from the dressing room when she tried on that bikini.  Today is the one-year anniversary of when we first had sex.  Does she even remember that?  Who knows?  But either way, it just proves why I can't fully trust her.  That's a picture that should have been sent to her new boyfriend and just her new boyfriend, not someone she considered living with less than a year ago. 

I'm guessing abandonment fears have kicked in and she's looking for attention and validation wherever she can get it.  But she's going to have to look elsewhere.  I'm not putting myself in the same position I was in last year at this exact time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey SS, It sounds like you are having trouble accepting your BPD friend and former lover for who she is.  You can't control what she does, needless to say, yet it seems like you want her to change.  Does this seem accurate?  If so, perhaps you might want to consult the Serenity Prayer.  LuckyJim

[SummerStorm]

Hey SS, It sounds like you are having trouble accepting your BPD friend and former lover for who she is.  You can't control what she does, needless to say, yet it seems like you want her to change.  Does this seem accurate?  If so, perhaps you might want to consult the Serenity Prayer.  LuckyJim

I accept that she has BPD, but there is absolutely no reason for her to be sending me pictures of her in a bikini.  She has a boyfriend, and we haven't even seen each other in almost a year.

I really don't care what she does, but when it directly affects me, that's different. 

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, that makes sense.  I guess it's a boundary for you to establish with her.  LJ

[Notwendy]

Boyfriend or not, she seems to enjoy being a flirt, or temptress. You know that saying: wherever you go, there you are, and we tend to bring our relationship issues with us. She may be testing the water with you- seeing if you are still interested.

People will do what they want. I guess the best option is to ignore/delete and not react - she will likely move on if she doesn't get a response.

[SummerStorm]

Sure, that makes sense.  I guess it's a boundary for you to establish with her.  LJ

Indeed, but that will have to wait until she gets back from her trip.  Trips, especially ones where she visits her mom, are not good for her.  She's only been there for 24 hours, and already, I can tell that her poor mother has been pushed to the wayside. 

I did establish this boundary last year; it's only been in the past two days that she's pushed it.  I honestly think it has more to do with being away and fearing abandonment by her boyfriend.  Once she gets back home, it will stop. 

[SummerStorm]

Boyfriend or not, she seems to enjoy being a flirt, or temptress. You know that saying: wherever you go, there you are, and we tend to bring our relationship issues with us. She may be testing the water with you- seeing if you are still interested.

People will do what they want. I guess the best option is to ignore/delete and not react - she will likely move on if she doesn't get a response.

She flirts with everyone.  It's what led to the first major fight she had with her ex-boyfriend last year.  They were at a party, and she got drunk and started flirting with all of the guys, right in front of him. 

And really, what better place to do this than on Snapchat?  Chances are, the boyfriend doesn't look at her score, so he probably thinks the picture she sent last night was just to him.  And she probably thinks that I don't check her score, so she probably thinks that I thought the picture was sent just to me.  What she doesn't realize is that I'm one step ahead of her and know how this game works.  It's exactly what she did last year, and I'm not falling for it again.

She comes back on Thursday, so I'm hoping this ends then.  That being said, she has subtly been dropping hints ever since she connected with me again last November.  I'm the one who was never actually in a relationship with her, so technically, we didn't "fail."  I think that a part of her still wonders what would happen if we were in a relationship. 

[Notwendy]

I could be that it becomes your choice to take her up on her flirtation. You can ignore it too.

[SummerStorm]

I could be that it becomes your choice to take her up on her flirtation. You can ignore it too.

I have been basically redirecting.  She sent me the picture of her in the bikini, with the caption, "Never too old for Pokemon."  I sent back a picture of a Harry Potter coloring book with the caption, "Never too old for Harry Potter."  She sent me another picture today, of her in a dress, and I sent a picture of the lake I was sitting next to while grading papers.  I haven't commented at all on her appearance. 

[Notwendy]

Any response is still a response. I see how you are redirecting, but the responses are not clearly one way or the other - either, that you are interested in a relationship with her or not. Sending a bikini pic is provocative. An interested person might respond " wow, looking good" and someone not interested could not respond at all. The redirecting could be interpreted as a mystery- is she or isn't she?

[SummerStorm]

Any response is still a response. I see how you are redirecting, but the responses are not clearly one way or the other - either, that you are interested in a relationship with her or not. Sending a bikini pic is provocative. An interested person might respond " wow, looking good" and someone not interested could not respond at all. The redirecting could be interpreted as a mystery- is she or isn't she?

I see what you're saying, but I'm also trying to be friends with her, and I enjoy sending pictures back and forth with her.

Today, she posted multiple pictures of herself on the beach, all of them with her cleavage showing, and anyone she's friends with on Snapchat could see those.  I still say she's fearing abandonment by the new guy (it's the first time she's been away from him since they started dating), just like she was last year, and looking for approval from people.  It's what she does when she is either depressed or feeling abandoned.  She tweets, posts to Instagram, posts to Snapchat, posts to Facebook.  I can recognize her patterns of behavior pretty well.  I think it's what's kept me around this time for four months, compared to the other times last fall/winter, which lasted a month and a week.