The garage is half hers...I think I took the bait...sort of

[formflier]

So, some burlap bags were stacked in the walkway of the garage.  There is still stuff in there that is stored, so there is a path right now.

Anyway, it was impassable.

So, I put them on the back deck to get them out of the way. 

Wife asked me to put them back in the garage this morning, actually asked in a sort of nice way.

I said that I was going to be working on the garage some today, trying to sort it out and would like to put bags elsewhere.

She said the garage was half hers and she could put what she wanted out there.  She was worked up at this point, light stomp going on.

I got  almost 8 hours of sleep last night, so really wasn't reactive.  I still think I should have keep mouth shut, or said something else.

In a quizzical way, with quizzical look I agreed.  Said fine, living room is half mine, I'll put them in there.

She blew top, stomped out.  Assembled kids in front of TV and went into uber nice, uber happy mom mode and watched educational videos before leaving.

Yes, I will be ignoring or delaying my response to any texts she sends me this morning.

So, what should have I said?  There is no room right now in the garage.

FF

[Fian]

Well, this is my thought for normal communication - not sure if this works with BPD or not.  State that you moved them because they were blocking the walkway.  You will be cleaning the garage, and once you are complete you can move them back in.  Also ask, is there a reason why she wants them in the garage.

[formflier]

  Also ask, is there a reason why she wants them in the garage.

Oh yeah, she doesn't want them in the house and says they "belong" in the garage. 

Note, a while back she was claiming I could set up the garage however I wanted and "control" it, but that I had to leave the entire inside of the house alone. 

My plan for the day is to fold them neatly, put them in a big garbage bag and put them in the shed in the back of our lot.  There is room out there, currently not room in the garage, and they will still be dry.

She claims they can't get wet, but my understanding is that they will be used to make outdoor planters for potatoes.  Somehow you put soil in the bags, put in seed potatoes and wait till end of summer.  She already has a couple out there.

Yeah, outside, in the rain.

FF

[Seoulsister]

You will be cleaning the garage, and once you are complete you can move them back in. 

This response would have been less provoking.

I get that it's a constant shift with what she wants and how she wants it... .and also how she addresses what she wants, however, your response seems like it was meant to incite. Is it really all or nothing with these bags? How much space do they require? At some point will there be space for them in the garage? I could be misinterpreting the convo, but it seems like you're dead set against having them stored where she wants them.

[Cat Familiar]

I got  almost 8 hours of sleep last night... .so really wasn't reactive.  I still think I should have keep mouth shut... or said something else.

In a quizzical way, with quizzical look I agreed.  Said fine, living room is half mine, I'll put them in there.

She blew top... stomped out.  Assembled kids in front of TV and went into uber nice... uber happy mom mode and watched educational videos before leaving.

Yep. I agree with the second sentence above. Even with a non, the living room comment would be enough for a big reaction.

FF, even though you've been getting good sleep, you're still burned out with your wife's behavior--and rightly so. Anyone would be. You've got to have the patience of a saint. You're not quite there, but you're doing exceedingly well!

Yes, it makes no sense, since the bags will hold dirt and be exposed to the elements. I think this is the sticking point for you--you still expect your wife's behavior and preferences to make sense. And the second issue is one of territory and fairness. You've ceded control of the house and now she's trying to control your territory--the garage.

This is one of those little issues that has created mutual discomfort. To go to military strategy: is this sort of thing worth fighting over? Or would reconnaissance and subterfuge work better? Chances are you could have avoided all conflict by agreeing to "put them away" and instead of putting them in the garage, you could have put them in the bag in the shed, as you had planned. Then everyone would have remained cheerful.

[adventurer]

I'm assuming she was responsible for putting those bags in a place that obstructed the walkway.

Maybe a future strategy for this would be to go to her and ask, "Could you please move these bags, they are blocking the walkway?" or some such statement.  She could then move them herself and could not complain about where they ended up.

Of course, requests like this can often create defensiveness and hostility, but that could then be managed with some validating communication skills.  And you could then present an option, "well, either you please move them or I will be moving them to 'x' place."  If she complains about 'x' place then, you can go broken record.  "Well, either you move them or I will move them to 'X'.

[formflier]

I'll never know for sure, but I believe that she directed one of the kids to "toss them in the garage".  I didn't hear it this time, but I have heard that sentiment many times.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

She said the garage was half hers and she could put what she wanted out there.  She was worked up at this point... .light stomp going on.

This premise is generally all kinds of messed up.

As you determined, showing her exactly what form of messed up it takes didn't help.

I think this comes down to a basic power dynamic--she believes that she can dictate pretty much anything she wants, and you should comply. You are finding yourself with less and less and less patience for this.

Dunno how you can address the big one... .or much to say other than choose your battles!

[vortex of confusion]

So... .what should have I said?  There is no room right now in the garage.

Yes dear! 

What does "there was no room in the garage" look like? How big are these bags? They couldn't be shoved on top of something until you got around to cleaning and organizing?

I recognize the dynamic that you have with your wife as one that was similar to the one that developed between my stbx and I over the years. I chose my battles carefully and pretty much conceded to whatever because I didn't want to fight. When I tried to stand up and have just a tiny bit of space for myself somewhere in the house, it didn't go over well. It is very difficult to live like that. Is there any way that you can get some kind of vacation or break from all of this? It is really difficult to think and respond well when you are so exhausted from all of the emotional turmoil.

[formflier]

What does "there was no room in the garage" look like? How big are these bags? They couldn't be shoved on top of something until you got around to cleaning and organizing?

The house and garage is really to small for us.

Perhaps a rephrase is in order.  This is one of the smaller houses that we have lived in.  We both agree, in our saner moments, that we will fill up whatever space that we have, with stuff. 

My version of full is much less than hers.  Her version is much closer to  "bursting".

So, there is a tractor in the garage (that I need to fix and get sold), bunch of boxes, bunch of empty boxes (going to recycle today), shelves from floor to ceiling that appear full, but could be organized a bit better to free up, say, 20% of space.  There is a pathway to get from the door to laundry room to garage door.  That pathway is where stuff gets stacked.  So, to get from one to the other you have to move things. 

Wife complains about why tractor isn't done and why she can't park in there.  I can point to many of the things in there, probably 30-40% that have been put in there for storage. 

Storage space I built above garage is full. 

Yes, this is tiring.  I have some good news from biblical counseling.  Not sure if it was good news long term, but it sure was satisfying, so see her get shut down hard yesterday.

Anyone think I have a lot of resentment that I need to deal with?

Making another post soon.

FF