Child services

[SES]

Well... .  The latest was a referral to children's services due to a counselling service refusing to give me information about my daughter's treatment, resulting in my lawyer having to get the information for me.  I guess my ex was behind that.  Anyway...    Children's services made an investigation.  I was visited once... .ex twice. My questions were just about whether I thought my ex has a right to have a new partner.  They wrote to tell me they had closed the case.  The enclosed report is full of inaccuracies... And it pretty much portray me as the controlling husband who drove our marriage to destruction.  No mention of her conduct... .suggests I should put my feelings towards ex behind me and foster some friendship.  .suggests that my son has been saying things to his mum and her affair partner like you are fat and horrible... .and implies it comes from me. 

There is so much more. All lies lies and lies.  She is the wounded party.

I am so angry about it.  It is insult to injury.  It has also left me feeling quite sad... ... .there is no end... .she will not stop. I missed ringing my kids at my allocated time tonight due to seething and being too preoccupied with the report.   She sent me a text asking if I was OK!

So... BPD friends... .please can I call on your advice?  Should I write to children s services to point out the inaccuracies? Or should I be relieved that I have dodged another bullet, and  just let it go?  I know writing will have no benefit... .and is unlikely to counter my ex's maligning. 

[livednlearned]

Would your lawyer recommend you write to them? Mine had to sit on my hands there for a while, since writing letters while angered rarely went well. She (L) said it was easier to help me if she didn't have to do damage control. 

Perhaps talk to your L? If from a legal standpoint a closed case is a closed case, then perhaps you are better off letting things go dormant. If your L thinks the inaccuracies might barrel into an alleged string of behaviors that ex can stitch together, then perhaps writing is worth it.

Sorry to hear she is still very active, SES.

Most likely, if your ex engages in name-calling (to anyone she doesn't like), then S9 picked it up from his mom.

[Turkish]

Ditto consulting your lawyer.

If the case is closed, it's closed. Better to stay off their radar.

[ForeverDad]

As much as it is not us, we can in some ways be seen as controlling.  For example, saying "I love my wife and want her back" could be misconstrued to "I want my wife back so I can control her again".  See what I mean?  So best to not give any support to her claims you're a controller.

My Ex made repeated allegations to CPS, local children's hospital, regional child abuse center, etc.  And yes they look at each one.  Eventually they figure out they're not a forest fire or even a smoldering ember but that can take years.  If she's done it once, she will do it again.

If something is written to balance the report, proofed by the lawyer, I think one point to make is to ask why you were not given a chance to discount her unsupported (their term: unsubstantiated) claims.  Or why your statements were not included in the report.

[whirlpoollife]

"... .suggests  that you put your feelings toward ex behind ... ." Is impossible when they remain in your face everyday ... .though the kids and though the court.

Missing the allocated time for a phone call, my xh does it all the time . Then calls at another time calling it make up time because he missed the court ordered time frame.  Sadly , the kids go along with him. Even though I had pointed out what the judge said , what the legal system (my L ) said , and that I respect the order.  But ... .if we called out of time zone... .it'd be a different story.

I would tell your L , of the inaccuracies, as I say to mine, for the record.  So if comes up again,may  least he knows and the reason why it was preferred and best to let it go.

... ." there is no end... "   I understand that well.  So many days I say to myself , when is this alienation stuff and legal stuff going to end.  How long more can I keep on fighting it? Wish I had an answer . 

[SES]

Thanks everyone. I do appreciate it. 

I haven't heard from my lawyer, but I have come to the conclusion that it is probably best to let it go. 

ForeverDad and whirlpoollife- I'd put money on it happening again.  I think if I ever had contact with her things would be very risky all of a sudden.  Minimal contact makes allegations to the Police more difficult.  I won't have a conversation with her, and I hand over the kids at a distance - 50 feet or so, with a video recorder and voice recorder running discretely. At least with very minimal contact there is less risk of allegations about me doing something to her. 

Children's services asked me if ex had a right to have a new partner, and if I had ever said I would be friends with ex if she ended her relationship.  My response was aside from 2 mediation session, I haven't spoken to her since last May, and that I didn't want to be friends.  If I was so controlling and awful... .surely she would prefer not to have contact with me... .not the other way round. 

This attrition has such an impact on me.  It is wearing and emotionally tiring, aside from causing immense stress and upset.   It is hard to describe some of it to friends and family as it is upsetting, and not easy to comprehend. It impacts on current relationships.  Dated for a while late last year... .ended due to her feeling I was emotionally unavailable.  Same again this year... .real problems with trust/not feeling able to get close to someone. 

In some ways, this year has been easier than last year.  I'm more detached from her.  Plus there seem to be a lot less allegations this year.  only one set that I'm aware of.  Last year I lost count.     

I am grateful for BPD Family.

[ForeverDad]

Recovery, like so much else, is a process and not an event.  When you are less engulfed in the impact of the failed relationship and related issues, then you will be able to let the focus of your life 'reset' to norms and be more available to a new relationship.  Gift yourself time.

[livednlearned]

It's true what FD says, though it can seem (when you're in it) that it will never end.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression, which is very common for many of us here. At the very least, the anxiety we feel (fear of what is to come) often walks lock step with depression (fear of what has been). Often, the roots of depression predate the relationship, although it may have felt less acute than now because we see the wreckage of our adult life reflecting back on us. High conflict relationships like ours have a way of both exposing the depression and exacerbating it.

For me, the distress I felt about my ex did eventually hit a plateau, and this plateau was independent of what he was doing. He kept doing the same things, and I began to feel less about what he did. I still had to go to court, I still had to pay legal fees. Even so, it began to feel like a nuisance, and less like a crisis.

You are learning the skills to deal with a threat, and you will notice over time that you've become adept at protecting yourself and can let down your guard more than you've felt safe doing because you know how the threat functions, and are aware that you survive, again and again and again.

Be kind to yourself. I know it sounds corny to say. It's also a simple building block to healing.

[SES]

Lawyer suggested writing to record my perspective that there are innacuracies.  "I would like you to take note of the following and retain with your file for future reference regarding any future proceedings." Any thoughts? I have a feeling the report will be dragged out in the near future for the next set of allegations.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, I am glad your lawyer agreed you can address the inaccuracies in the report.  Odds are, there will be more allegations and at least you can make the attempt to get the facts into the file.

Make sure you provide the facts, citing incident details so it is seen as documented and isn't interpreted as "he-said, she-said".  Perhaps too note the items that have nothing to do with parenting.

Also be careful not to appear 'controlling'.  For example, the question above you were asked, of course Ex can have new relationships, just as yourself, but you want the children's welfare met, for example, stability of the home.  They should not meet new BFs until the relationship has developed over months so they aren't meeting every BF on the early dates.

Have lawyer review it before sending.

[SES]

Thanks.  Great idea to get lawyer to check it before sending it.  Much appreciated!