Feeling scared about mediation

[Ulysses]

I don't know where to post.  I'm quite upset as I write this.

ExNPD/BPDh has not been following the parenting plan.  He's established a pattern over the last 18 months of violating the parenting plan regarding medical appts, activities and phone calls.  I have decided to try mediation because the latest issue is him wanting to take the children for 8 days of vacation, when our parenting plan says one week.  Despite how much I like the Beatles, I'm convinced one week is 7 days.  I tried to offer shifting some days here or there and received a rather flaming email from his wife explaining they WILL pick up the children on x day at x time and they WILL remain with them until X day at X time.  I'm trying to be understanding and if they said, hey we have airline tickets, or we have an event, etc., I would try and be flexible.  But I don't want to set a precedent that one week is 8 days.  Of course, they said that's what they did last year.  I don't remember, to be honest, so now I wonder if I set a precedent.

At any rate, he brings up multiple issues for mediation now.  One issue is a change to residential/holiday time in the parenting plan, to which I responded no, I don't want to make that change, last winter.  Can a parenting plan be changed in mediation?  Another issue is addressed in the parenting plan (piercings), and he hasn't even asked me about ear piercing for our daughter.  Why would he take it to mediation if he hasn't tried to talk to me about it?

The issue I'm throwing my arms up about, but also not sure how to address, is that they accuse me of making derogatory comments about his wife.  They want the parenting plan to include a clause that I can't make derogatory comments about the children's stepmother or halfsiblings.  First, there aren't any half-siblings.  Is this a weird way to make a birth announcement?  Next, I don't make derogatory comments.  I have, however, had frank conversations with my children about how unhealthy her behavior is.  An example is drawing in ballpoint ink on arms, legs, feet, and hands of my D6.  I asked stepmother to please not draw on her in ballpoint ink (two nurses told my daughter directly, when they saw her for something else, don't ever draw in ballpoint ink, sweetie, it's very dangerous).  Then Dthen6 came home with two handdrawn tattoos on her hipbones.  Elaborate, colored,  hand-drawn.  I don't know if Dthen6 had to lower her pants for those to be drawn.  I had some discussions about bathing suit areas, etc.  So, yes, there are times I don't agree with her actions and have told my children.  I have also had conversations with my kids about their relationship with her is separate from my relationship with her.  I hope they have a positive relationship with her, have fun with her, etc.  Also, I found out there have been occasions when, according to my children, she has told them, ":)on't tell your mother."  For instance, when her tween nephew stayed with them for awhile.  Why would this need to be hidden?  I talked to my kids about the dangers of when an adult says, "don't tell your mom" or "don't tell your dad."  I told them safe adults don't ask you to keep secrets from your parent, either mom or dad.  So do I include this information in the mediation so the mediator knows the backstory?  Why do I feel like I have to defend myself? 

Finally, they want to ensure the stepmother can have contact with the children via their cellphones, for which I pay.  As far as I remember, I haven't blocked them.  Maybe on my D7's phone, but not S13.  Do I have the right as a parent to decide who they can contact when they're with me, and on the phones I pay for?  The kicker is I'm supposed to be able to speak with them on the phone 2x/day per the parenting plan, and I only ever ask for 1x/day, and even then I go for days without being able to reach them.  I couldn't reach my D on Christmas Eve.  The stepmother said recently if I were nice to her, then the kids would want to talk with me.  Oh, maybe she's throwing in the phone contact in response to my request to abide by the parenting plan and let me talk to my kids.  They're both lawyers.  Ok, this helps to write this out.  Anyway, can the mediator force me to make sure my kids talk to their stepmother when they're with me? 

Sorry this is so long.  It helps to write it out.  They are both attorneys.  I've been told I'm a good writer, but I don't have legal training.  I have to write my mediation paperwork myself.  We do this with no lawyers, is my understanding. 

[Thunderstruck]

Try to see things from an outsider's perspective.

The vacation is the vacation. If the order says 7 days then that's what it is. That's fine. But being unbending about an extra day of vacation can make you look like the contrary person. Try to find a middle ground. You can give them the extra day, but get something you want in return (like an extra day the following week).

You also don't need to argue about not making derogatory comments. Put in the order that NONE of the parents should make derogatory comments, because none of them should be!

Why would you want to block the kids from talking to the stepmom? Why shouldn't they be able to? If you make a big issue out of this then you will seem like the bitter ex wife, so if you really think that this shouldn't be allowed then have a reason why it would negatively impact the children.

[ForeverDad]

Ditto to Thunderstruck's reply.

They're lawyers and you aren't?  Doesn't mean you can't have a lawyer or have your lawyer advise you on mediation topics, wording and strategy.  I believe what you're talking about is that your state says mediation is with only mediator and the two parents involved.  Is that right?  If so, then it only means your lawyer can't be by your side in mediation.  Nothing more.  You always have a right to legal resources in preparation and perhaps more.  (Disclaimer: We here are peer support and not lawyers.)

Some here, when facing a thorny issue, has asked for a break in the mediation, taken a walk or used the restroom to make a brief call to the lawyer or trusted support for input.

For whatever they demand and you end up accepting, make sure it is fully reciprocal, that is, applies to both parents.  If they want step-mother to be allowed calls, then step-father, should you remarry, gets the identical terms.  If they want a week vacation to be 8 days, then you get that too.  See?  It ought to go both ways.

I recall that my ex opposed me declaring a two week vacation as effectively 16 days.  She got the magistrate to write in an order that a two week vacation is 14 days.  However, I don't think it would have impacted my vacation anyway.  After all, the vacation started and ended on my weekends.  So now I have to declare a 14 day vacation (such as Sat to Fri) but I figure I'd still have the rest of the last weekend anyway.

Is his wife planning to attend the mediation?  I would oppose that unless the state allows step-parents to participate.

One last thought... .Mediation does not have to succeed.  My ordered mediation failed (early in the divorce process) and so did my ordered settlement conference (late in the divorce process).  So the process just went to the next step.  Repeat... .Mediation does not have to succeed.  Don't feel cornered that you have to give in to what you don't feel is right.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for the responses. 

Thunderstruck - I appreciate your view as a stepmother.  I didn't mean for it to sound as if I block their stepmother from contacting them.  I don't, in fact, do that.  Her patterns of behavior over almost two years indicate to me that she doesn't make the safest or wisest choices when it comes to my children.  I think her requests are just mind games, and until I typed this out yesterday and read Forever Dad's response, it was working.

It is already in our parenting plan that neither of us, nor people we have around in the children's presence, make derogatory comments about either parent.  I fear that if I don't address her charge, I'm admitting it, and it makes me look unreasonable.  The truth is I don't talk about the woman.  I've talked to my children about her behaviors (tattoo drawing, instructing children to keep secrets from their parents), and have tried to generalize it - e.g. it isn't safe for any adult to ask you to "not tell your parent."  It isn't safe for anyone to draw on you in ball point ink, or in your bathing suit area, etc.

I am willing to work with them on the vacation.  I tried and their response was no.  Two issues I see here - 1) I gave up holiday time, and a few overnights, on three occasions with the children the first year of the divorce, because exH complained the way things were divvied up wasn't fair.  I didn't ask for anything in return (my mistake, I realize now, but it isn't in my nature to think tit-for-tat).  When I tried this past year to do a similar arrangement when my parenting time was, in his words, "short-changed," he (well, the email from his wife), refused.  I don't have confidence that anything I offer will be reciprocated.  My understanding is that I might eventually lose parenting time if I give up overnights.  2) They are arguing that the weekend ends at 6pm Sunday.  Our parenting plan actually says that the mother shall have the children at 6pm every Sunday.  Technically I have one extra night each week - so about 51% of the time.  This is important to me that I not give this up, and I feel that if I don't stick to the parenting plan, he will come back later and argue that I voluntarily gave up time, etc.  So in a way, there is more to this than just vacation days, which I don't think I was very clear about in my original post.

Forever Dad - thank you for this: 

Repeat... .Mediation does not have to succeed.  Don't feel cornered that you have to give in to what you don't feel is right

  Overall I am satisfied with the parenting plan.  I feel my difficulties arise because exH doesn't follow the parenting plan.  I will keep this in mind, and remember that I don't have to agree to anything.  The worst that happens is, the parenting plan stays the same and he keeps violating it, and I keep documenting it.  I think - I'll have to check with my L about the worst case scenario.

Whether I can ask that the stepmother not be present, I'm not sure.  I would imagine we can each bring a support person?  She doesn't technically practice family law. 

[Ulysses]

Again, thank you for your replies.  This is very helpful for me to get feedback and think things through, and write it out.

[ForeverDad]

I had a few failed trades in my early years.  I agreed to a trade, often without much warning, and then when it came for my end of the trade she was a no-show with our son.

Get the trade in writing with both agreeing either by signing or confirming email responses.  Better yet, get your end of the trade completed first.  You know you'll honor your commitment, you can't count on it being reciprocated.  Maybe you can state, ":)ue to past problems of failed trades, if you want a trade of parenting time then ask well in advance since I require my part of a trade to be completed first."

he keeps violating it, and I keep documenting it

Good that you are documenting it.  However, there is a limit where documenting could be interpreted as allowing.  For example, if you end up going to court, perhaps for a Contempt of Court due to his noncompliance and you tell the court "He's been doing this for 4 years... ." the court may look at you and ask why you didn't come sooner, perhaps even ask why you came now and not before.  (Like, did you get triggered by something and only now are looking for things to complain about because you're mad?)

It appears that most courts will ignore specific incidents that are older than 6 months.  Possibly older events can be used to demonstrate a pattern of misbehaviors over time.  So keep that in mind, if we delay too long getting it to the court's attention, it won't appear to have much importance or urgency.  In other words, use it or (risk) lose it.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for that information, Forever Dad.  I want to be understanding that we all make mistakes and the parenting plan is new to both of us, but there comes a point when it isn't right if he keeps violating it.  I felt like a shrew when I called my L last summer and requested she contact exH attorney after exH scheduled three different medical appointments for S without telling me about them in the course of 3 months.  And after I sent an email that my L vetted, that requested he contact me re:  medical appts as stated in parenting plan, he still made appointments.  And some were scheduled when S was with me, and I couldn't take him.  My question at that time was, what good is a parenting plan if he doesn't have to follow it?  Even after that, this past winter he did the same a few times, including scheduling one for a time my S was with me, not telling me about the appointment.  I had to cancel it last minute, when I got a reminder call from the dr's office, and reschedule.  I sent him an email, again asking to please inform me, etc., and the response was since both he and wife work full time and I don't, it makes sense for me to take S to medical appt.  Didn't address the issue of them scheduling it on my residential time and not even telling me about it (and, of course, it was on a day I was working).  (Since I feel a little defensive about this issue, I do want to say that I actually have 3 part-time jobs and am in graduate school more than full-time, earning all As so far.) 

I am satisfied with the letter my L sent to his lawyer this spring.  She spoke with his L and basically exH says I won't agree to anything so he has to sign the children up for things without telling me.  This is untrue, and even if it were, my L said she will still consider it contempt of court if he does it again.  As I write out the times over the last 18 months regarding activities and medical appts, I see that he is the one who doesn't agree to activities for the children.  I have agreed to about 4 activities for the children.  There has been one activity I didn't agree to, and he signed up D anyway.  I think he might be projecting.

I want to avoid court if at all possible.  I had to go to court once and it was awful.  I felt I was such a mess I couldn't be a mom for my kids.  I wish we could work together (if wishes were horses... .) because I think it would be better for the children.  I think I'm still behind the curve in facing the reality of his patterns of behavior and being strong enough to confront him legally.  My T told me before I filed for divorce that ex would be "big and scary" at times, because that is what he does.  My MC told me he repeatedly acts "unilaterally."  The farther I get away from him, and the more independent I become (it will be another year before I'm completely financially independent), the easier it is to withstand/ignore/blow off his rages.  When I search my feelings about it, I think the only reason I still fear him is because I'm afraid I'm going to lose my children.  He was threatening to ask for one week on/off if I wouldn't agree to his summer daycare plan (which I wouldn't - I did last year to avoid confrontation and I don't think it was a healthy situation for our children) and when I asked my L she said changing to one week on/off was not something he can do without going to court, and I shouldn't worry about it, that it wasn't going to happen.  I hope she's giving me good advice there. 

I will check with L to see at what point a court won't consider his violating the parenting plan.  I didn't realize that could be an issue.

[ForeverDad]

I think he might be projecting.

Ya think? 

I want to avoid court if at all possible.

If they know that then they'll try to use the fear or dread against you.  My story... .I recall when I arrived at court on my divorce's Trial Day, I was greeted with the news she was finally, after two years, ready to settle.  I said fine, first item in the settlement is that I will be Residential Parent.  She begged to continues as RP since she was in charge during the two year temp order.  I calmly and firmly, with full confidence in myself, "Either I will be RP or else we start the trial."  She caved.  But if I had been fearful or timid I would have been the one to cave.

Ponder over the issue of your fears.  Of course no one wants court, but sometimes we have to go anyway.  Next time probably you will be more sure of yourself, a more empowered parent, and next time it will be better, much easier for you.  (Not that you want a "next time" but someone has to stand up for you and the children and that's YOU.)

When I search my feelings about it, I think the only reason I still fear him is because I'm afraid I'm going to lose my children.  He was threatening to ask for one week on/off if I wouldn't agree to his summer daycare plan (which I wouldn't - I did last year to avoid confrontation and I don't think it was a healthy situation for our children) and when I asked my L she said changing to one week on/off was not something he can do without going to court, and I shouldn't worry about it, that it wasn't going to happen.  I hope she's giving me good advice there.

If he wants to change the summer schedule and you don't, then only court can force a change.  You just have to ensure you aren't vindictive or too unreasonable or appear to be so.  They will claim you are but of you you'll never give them such proof.

As for week on & week off, what is the current schedule?  Are you majority time or is it an equal time 2/2/3 schedule?

My story... .When I divorced, and after two year we finally settled on Trial Day for equal time, I wanted a 7/7 schedule.  The Custody Evaluator, a child psychologist said No, not until a child is at least 10 years old.  Our son was 6 at the time.  Some 8 years later I now have majority time during the school year but still have that same 2/2/3 schedule for 11 weeks during summers.  When I got the majority time a couple years ago, a 1.5 year court struggle, I asked my lawyer to change summers to 7/7.  When we had confrontations it was usually at exchanges and so I wanted to minimize that risk.  He retorted, "No way!  Do you want the court to think that you're okay with son spending longer periods of time with his {translation: messed up} mother?"

So if your children have shorter periods of time with the Ex, that's just fine.  The professionals would probably support that continuing if it was ever a court issue.  So you saying "Sorry, but No" is nothing to feel bad about nor feel you're being unreasonable.

Hmm, I'm wondering if that's a way for them to take week-long vacations without hitting the annual vacation limit?  (In my county the limit is 3 weeks total for the year in chunks of 1 or 2 weeks.)

[Ulysses]

If they know that then they'll try to use the fear or dread against you. 

Yes, my L told me this, too.  She said that's what happened in the mediation for the divorce (I hired her later in the game).  Sigh. 

It is difficult/scary/empowering to read that I'm the one who has to stand up for my children.  I keep trying to do what I think is reasonable and I do think there are things he does as a father that are good (the verdict is still out on if it outweighs the bad).  I wouldn't want to paint him as some evil monster, although when I remember what he's capable of, those words do come to mind.  I don't want to put myself into some sort of role as a rescuer.  I find it a tough balance to find.

I spoke with my T today and it was helpful.  I told her what was in their mediation request, and her response was that it makes no sense and the stepmother/exH appear to have very poor boundaries (actually she started to say, "she's cr---" and stopped).  She also thought it was bizarre that they are asking for things regarding "half-siblings," when none exist.  That's a whole other issue.  Paints me as some sort-of baby-insulter, which I'm not.  Who has bad feelings toward a baby or kid?  Jeez.  (Well, ok, his mother, based on the comments she made when my children were babies that there were many times she wanted throw her babies out the (upstairs) window.  I was mortified.)  It's kind of like the question, "When did you stop beating your wife?"  I'm going to keep focused on what I want out of mediation, and not be scared to feel like I'm not, "getting along" or "being nice" (that last one is something that was put on me since childhood by my mother, I've recently realized, and, exH.  He never liked it when I asserted myself - he would say things like, "it's not that big of a deal."  His response about the mediation this time, was, "are you going to mediate every little thing?".   (N.B. - I kind of hope they have a kid, because I hope it will get the stepmother's focus off of my children and on to her own... .)

Current schedule is 51/49 - 2/2/3 except I have the children every Sunday evening.  ExH asked D's therapist for her opinion about 7/7 starting in the fall.  T said she'll think about it and observe D this spring and summer, but generally 7 yo is too young.  It makes me so frustrated to think about 7/7, and going that long without seeing my kids.  I won't agree to it, and hope it doesn't happen.  I have never cried as hard as when he first told me, with his first affair partner, that they had planned on a 7/7 schedule.  My D was 4 at the time.  He knows how devastating that was to me, we talked about it in MC.

What is the vacation rule?  Is that a vacation with the children, or without?  I will keep that in mind, since currently our parenting plan allows for 2 week vacation once the youngest is 10, until then it's one week, including the parent's weekend. 

I have offered to have the children with me this summer to save him daycare costs.  He finally agreed, after he got his demotion. 

The good news in this is that I feel stronger than when I started this process, and more aware of his tactics and my emotions, and aware that my feeling timid or scared or wanting to compromise in the hope of earning good will won't do me any good, and, finally, that I can say no without explanation, and that saying no doesn't make me a mean person.  Speaking calmly and firmly is good advice.

[Ulysses]

Um, ok.  I contacted the mediator today to arrange dates per my L instructions.  CC'd the exH.  Tonight exH emailed the mediator and told her what issues I'm bringing to mediation.  He listed his issues, but he also told the mediator what I am going to ask about in mediation.  Hmm.  Is that normal?  I thought I was the one who got to tell the mediator what issues I wanted to ask about.

[Ulysses]

Just wanted to add - I haven't given him my list of issues for mediation yet, so he doesn't yet know what I'm wanting to take to mediation.  He only knows of one issue. 

Also, he and his wife (also an attorney) sent the email to the mediator.  They both signed the email.  I guess she's a party to the parenting plan now, too?  I wonder if the mediator will wonder why they're both sending the email? 

[GaGrl]

Well, you know he's going to attempt to control a process that isn't actually in his control.

I'm trained in mediation but practice it only for workplace mediation. Even if the stepmother attempts to present herself as a part of the parenting plan, she is not. Again, an attempt to control and intimidate.  I have several times had to explain that a spouse or partner is not included in the mediation.

In your own communication to the mediator, clearly state your mediation points. Include your intent that the mediation NOT include the stepmother (including email communications to and from the mediator). Clarify that the stepmother NOT be in the room during mediation.

[ForeverDad]

Also, he and his wife (also an attorney) sent the email to the mediator.  They both signed the email.  I guess she's a party to the parenting plan now, too?  I wonder if the mediator will wonder why they're both sending the email?

Ask your lawyer!  It's very likely she has no right at all to become a part of your parenting plan.  However, if you let her jump in then once she is in it may be hard to get her out of it.

The mediator's primary goal is to get a settlement.  It's possible he/she will not see a red flag with the new wife joining in unless you object.  You do object, don't you?  If so, then object and state you want the mediation between the parents only.  If you don't object or contest her inclusion, then be prepared for more of that henceforth.  Think "Boundaries".  If your gut says something is wrong, then speak up, it probably is.  Maybe sometimes the response will be that it's not an issue but likely more often than not your concern will be substantiated and upheld.

[Ulysses]

Well, you know he's going to attempt to control a process that isn't actually in his control.

Yes, thank you for posting that, it's a good reminder.  It underscores the importance of my attitude, which is - I have no control, I go in with no expectations.  I know what I want out of the process, and it's ok if I leave with no agreement on anything, no changes.  (Thank you Forever Dad).  The worst that happens is things stay the same.

My question about the control issues is, am I being controlling when I request the mediation communication and the mediation occur between the two parents only?  This morning there was another email from them to the mediator.  It was signed by both of them: X and Y Last Name.  My T has told me that they need a common enemy in their relationship.  I believe she is correct.  It formerly was his boss, and now that he lost his position, it is me.  I'm trying to step out of it.  My conflict appears to be:  1) I don't agree that a stepparent should be actively involved in mediation and communication about the children, especially when she is an attorney and I am not; 2) If I request the stepparent not be involved, I will appear controlling, vindictive, unreasonable, etc.; 3) Giving in feels like stepping out of the drama, but I think that's where I let my boundaries be overstepped.  

I've put a call in to my L.  Unless she advises against, I think my email to the mediator today will include a request that regarding the framework of the mediation process, I request that only the parties to the parenting plan, the mother and father, be involved in the mediation process, including email communication.  I will let go of all expectations that will be agreed to, and I will get my imaginary support buddy to draw a wall around me in case a firestorm is unleashed, but I'll ask anyway.  I suppose I always have the freedom to walk out of the mediation if the stepparent participates.  

If your gut says something is wrong, then speak up, it probably is.  

 Good reminder.  My T has been working with me on this.  It's taken me a few years to get back in touch with my instincts.

Thank you for your responses and information.

[ForeverDad]

1)  Sensible request, your lawyer can tell you whether your state law says Yes or No.

2)  You are allowed to disagree, that doesn't make you unreasonable or controlling.

3)  Giving in does hand over power to the other and weaken your boundaries.  While you can do some appropriate "give-and-take", the odds are that you will be pressured to do all the giving while he does all the taking.  You have a right to make your own proposals and counter-proposals or say No.

As much as possible keep your perspective focused on what is best for you and what is best for your children.  Stick to that and you won't be easily made to feel guilted or obligated.

As you'll need to remind yourself periodically, mediation does not mean that it has to succeed.  It means you try, that's all.

Beware the F.O.G ... .Fear, Obligation, Guilt

[Ulysses]

My L's response about whether I can ask for just the parents to be involved in the mediation was, "Interesting question.  It's up to the mediator.  Feel free to ask."  Hmmm.  I was hoping for something more.  I couldn't find anything online about it, other than if there is dv involved, the victim may bring a support person.  I went ahead and sent this with my list of issues to the mediator:

"In addition, I would like to request that regarding the framework of mediation, only the parties who are part of the parenting plan, namely, the mother and the father, be involved in the mediation process, including email communication about mediation.  I prefer that only the mother, father, and mediator are present during mediation, and that third parties who are not parties to the parenting plan, not be part of the mediation process.  Thank you."

It feels good to be done with that part, and now I just need to get the background information together. 

This forum has been very helpful.  Thanks again.

[Ulysses]

An intermediate update... .

ExH emailed the mediator that he is remarried and it would be "inappropriate" to attempt to mediate issues that affect their family without her present.  Maybe she's controlling, too.

No response from the mediator. 

I think I might give myself a one-hour check-in for the mediation.  That is, I will commit (to myself) to stay for one hour, and if it isn't going well, I will leave so I don't waste money.  I thought about leaving immediately if his wife is involved, but I think that doesn't show good-faith on my part.  ?

I have also thought quite hard this weekend about the "derogatory comments" allegation.  I don't recall making any such comments about his wife, in front of, or to, my kids.  I think he's accusing me of things to see what will stick, and what will rattle me.  Or he's projecting, and they say things about me in front of the kids.

[Ulysses]

Here's the response from the mediator:

"Normally the post-decree parenting mediation, where attorneys are not present, is in one room.  If there is objection to presence of a third party, they would be in the waiting area where they can be consulted on issues as needed.  My experience is that this slows the process.

In this case, since Ulysses objects to the presence of a third party, I suggest that we use separate rooms for the entirety of the mediation, which would allow exH to have his wife present.  Is this agreeable to you both?"

Does anyone have advice on this one?  The mediation will be at my attorney's office.  At this point I feel like I should request one room, which means I would be in the room with both ex and his wife.  ExH doesn't want to be in the same room as me.  I don't feel like paying extra for the time it takes for the mediator to shuttle back and forth.  If anyone has advice, I welcome it.  The mediator is waiting on a response from me.

[GaGrl]

My thought is that it's worth some extra cost to give yourself breathing room and more time to consider options before responding to each round.

I meet with both parties together to clarify the objectives of the mediation. Then parties go to separate rooms and I move back and forth between them. (Sometimes I need space to think about possible options, myself!)

[Ulysses]

Thanks for the reply.  Perhaps I should view this as a tit-for-tat.  I will agree to his framework as long as we decide/work through the issues in my order of preference.  Or is this taking too much power away from the mediator?

[GaGrl]

I see that as simply setting your parents priorities for the session.

[flourdust]

How do you and your ex get along in person? Can you have civil and reasonable conversations, even if disagreeing? Do the talks stay on topic or do they veer off to rehashing past arguments?

Mediation in separate rooms can be an effective way (or so I'm told) to take the interpersonal dynamic out of the equation and just focus on the give and take of negotiation points. It might slow things down in terms of the logistics, but it could also speed things up if you aren't wasting time on venting and side-arguments.

[ForeverDad]

Your mediator suggested separate rooms?  I think my opinion of your mediator just went up.  Frankly, some here have used separate rooms and they felt better whether it failed or not.  I didn't know to ask for separate rooms.  Didn't go well, even with both lawyers right there... .

You do negotiate.  Or at least be willing to do so.  Show that willingness.  But what we stress here is that you mustn't feel you have to walk out with an agreement.  Most of us do try mediation, we can then know and state later that we really did try, but we also realize that successful mediation depends upon TWO people actually negotiating.  Sadly, ex likely won't really negotiate until he HAS to, until the clock has run out, no more delays or tactics are left and Trial Day is looming.  (My ex delayed my divorce case as much as she could partly because she's entitled and obstructive and partly because the temp order was favorable to her.  We tried ordered mediation, it failed after a couple hours.  We tried an ordered settlement conference with the lawyers, it lasted about 5 minutes before she threatened to claw my eyes out if I sought custody and that ended that.  It took 2 years to struggle through the court's checklist of events.  Then when no other delays were possible, ex agreed to settle - on Trial Morning a few minutes before trial!)

If negotiations get stuck as often happens, just state, I made sincere effort to negotiate, I did try, it didn't work, so let's move on to court.  Generally, what the court decides is no worse and often better than the terms and conditions the disordered ex would dictate.

Beware that the mediator doesn't think that since ex is unreasonable then let's try to get mother to bend on everything.  An inexperienced or incompetent mediator might try to get success by pressuring the reasonable parent to give in because the other isn't bending.

I like it that it's in your lawyer's office.  When you take breaks can you consult with your lawyer?

[Ulysses]

I like it that it's in your lawyer's office.  When you take breaks can you consult with your lawyer?

Yes, my lawyer emailed me that I can pop into her office if I have a question.

How do you and your ex get along in person? Can you have civil and reasonable conversations, even if disagreeing? Do the talks stay on topic or do they veer off to rehashing past arguments?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.  I can hold my end of the bargain up.  At first, if his wife was there, I noticed I was shaking afterward, but no problems speaking civilly and staying on topic (I kept thinking, BIFF).  But then I also noticed she would stand between me and the children, or try to get my son away from me when exH was ramping up, even though I hadn't said goodbye to son yet (e.g. at an exchange).  One time she stood in such a way that I couldn't get to my car door.  I'm 5'1", she is about 5'8" or taller, I think.  exH is 6'2".  For awhile when I would pick the kids up, she would sit on the small front porch, and the kids would have to step around her, saying, "excuse me."  Other times she would literally stand behind the bushes in the front yard.  I don't know what she was doing.  It seemed weird to me.

His reactions have been the following, in public (e.g. on a street in front of our house when we were getting ready to sell it, in the church parking lot during exchanges, on my mom's front porch while the children were inside the house, etc.):  red face, purple face, yelling, blocking my escape by taking his car keys and the moving truck keys in the truck rental parking lot, yelling, yelling, yelling.  I began documenting it in emails, I didn't know what else to do.  My sister witnessed the moving truck escapade and the yelling at me in front of the house.  She told me afterward she had no idea how I stayed so calm.  She takes blood pressure medication and she said she felt she needed an extra dose.  At one point she laughed at him because what he was yelling was so ridiculous.  He later sent me an email where he stated, how dare your sister laugh at me, etc.  So, I truly think he isn't able to deal with me face-to-face yet.  I felt that way before the divorce, and he put on a song and dance to the judge about what great coparents we are, and how we get along and discuss things, etc.  He was lying.  I knew it then, but the judge was swayed.  ExH is a trial attorney and people think he is kind, gentle, etc. 

MC didn't have his lease renewed because of exH's raging, pounding the wall, screaming at me.  It disturbed the other tenants.  I had never seen exH like that before.  Glad to experience it in the safety of MC's office.

Since he got married a few months ago, he refuses to speak with me other than through an email account he has with his new wife.

So I have given up trying to talk to him.  Also, he (or his wife) started sending me emails that upset me before an event where we would all be.  The email would rattle me, sometimes I would cry in frustration, then when I showed up at the event, he would say "hi" like nothing had happened.  I figured it out and am trying to figure out how I can deal with it.  Other times, if the children are with him, he won't let them come over to say goodbye, and it's like he keeps them from me (e.g. at a school event).  I just accept it.  On good days, I feel I can rise above this.

For the mediation, today I agreed to separate rooms.  I think someone who claims to be such a great co-parent should be able to speak to the other parent, but I am accepting that he's not there.  I can't make him into something he's not.  I think I would have an advantage if it were in one room, because he would be the one to start raging.  Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I want it in one room is so others can witness his rage.  This would make me feel vindicated, when the public, his peers, etc., finally see what he is capable of.  But I realize that is NOT the point of mediation, and that is not a good place for me to be emotionally.  So I will go to mediation with thoughts about the best interest of my children, and what accommodations I can make, and see where we go from there. 

[flourdust]

For the mediation, today I agreed to separate rooms.  I think someone who claims to be such a great co-parent should be able to speak to the other parent, but I am accepting that he's not there.  I can't make him into something he's not.  I think I would have an advantage if it were in one room, because he would be the one to start raging.  Sometimes I wonder if part of the reason I want it in one room is so others can witness his rage.  This would make me feel vindicated, when the public, his peers, etc., finally see what he is capable of.  But I realize that is NOT the point of mediation, and that is not a good place for me to be emotionally.  So I will go to mediation with thoughts about the best interest of my children, and what accommodations I can make, and see where we go from there. 

I'm so glad. It sounds like you made the right choice.

I absolutely get what you mean about co-parenting. Ironically, my wife likes to complain that my attempts to keep her at arm's length (preferring communication by email or short phone calls) is interfering with co-parenting. So when I have a co-parenting chat with her, she usually derails it right away to complain about me instead of talking about our kid.