Tomzxz
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Gender: 
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 96
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« on: May 03, 2016, 01:57:55 PM » |
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Hello everyone, It’s exactly a year give or take a day that I broke up with my partner. I didn’t know how I would make it and here I am. A lot has happened in the past year. I was a mess for a long time and I know that I’m still wounded. Earlier, I was in a short rebound relationship with an alcoholic/depressed girl. A recovering alcoholic friend came back into my life and advised me to run from her, run and never look back no matter how pretty she is. I found a friend with benefits arrangement with a seemingly level headed, calm school teacher – discovering that she was actually a 4:20 and a liar that disappeared for days at a time, I found that relationship to be far from emotionally satisfying. I’m also a bit concerned about the mental health of what could pass as a teacher but that’s someone else’s problem now.
I was rejected and I did my share of rejecting. I made a couple of new women friends that I’m glad are just good friends and not something more serious because over time they have revealed some big issues that would now be deal breakers for me in a romantic relationship. I met a nice Turkish woman who just finished school to be an RN nurse. She was married for eight years to a man that didn’t sexually desire her. Frustrated and embarrassed by this she divorced and began a long overdue search for herself. We went on two dates, equally defensive we didn’t care for each other. Three months later we met again by chance and explored being friends only to realize that we initially read each other wrong and actually have a lot in common. A love of German shepherds, and the outdoors for instance. This relationship is the most calm, emotionally stable romantic relationship I have been in. It is the “boring” relationship that I dreamed of! It’s healthy; I’m not searching the web for information on disorders or for relationship advice. It’s not perfect, and we have our problems. A future between us could be in doubt however it isn’t because of a clash in personalities, calculated sabotage, self-victimization or any of that unhealthy behavior that we are so familiar with on this forum. It’s two adults on two different but parallel paths in life, if we want it bad enough we will make it work somehow.
During this last year, many of the articles, posts and information that I’ve read hold different meaning to me now. I don’t look at the disordered people in my past with anger or resentment but with pity. I don’t look at them with a label any more even if it’s warranted or not. Narcissism, borderline, Histrionic, antisocial… there just responses to the same childhood abuse – Abandonment. They are people with self loathing that engage in passive aggressive behavior, controlling a situation in avoidance of being smaller. Desperately trying not to be controlled, they are in competition rather than cooperation with their partner. There adult children that were given adult problems when they were very little, problems they had no way to control. Now they think in extremes and their wires are crossed as they seek pleasure from being unhappy victims. Sadistically addicted to and seeking to reenact the childhood abandonment that hurt them, they produce drama and insecurity in relationships in order to feel “loved” - to feel anything at all really… Abandoholics. Behind their unnatural smile is hidden a knife that they don’t hesitate to use to cut you down and thus temporarily elevate their own wounded self esteem. Without help, (and most don’t get help) they will be doomed to repeat their catch 22 life style, forever dumping their self loathing insecurities onto unsuspecting prey.
If you’re new to the forms or are just starting to find out about the dependent personality disorders of yourself or others that have been making your life miserable keep learning. Knowledge is power and it will help you understand the crazy making behavior that we live or lived with. I do warn you not to ruminate or dwell on the cluster B’s for too long as it does in time prove to be counterproductive. Consuming information past a certain point is just another way to stay connected with a partner that doesn’t really love us anymore, can’t love us or never really did love us in a healthy way. It’s a kind of magical thinking that if I fully understand them, I will get closure, they won’t really ever be gone. Thinking if I ever had another chance, things might be different because I know so much more now. Or maybe they have regret or remorse and a chance encounter will save the two of us… It’s unrealistic, imaginary, it’s history, it’s over it’s in the past and in a way it is us being controlling to think otherwise… These people rarely change without maturity and self reflection. Our presence only triggers and enables their continuing bad (learned) behavior. The best way to truly help them is to limit your exposure too or to remove yourself entirely from their distorted thought process and their crazy making behavior.
If your still in a relationship with a loved one that has these characteristics, instead of focusing on NPD, BPD, HPD etc… load up on information about how to recognize and deal with passive aggression, self loathing, victimization and most of all understand the driving motivation why you are willing to be a part of this kind of relationship. Behind almost everyone involved in both sides of these trauma bonds, there is some level of childhood abandonment, shame and even victims guilt in one form or another.
I would say leave it to the professionals but they don’t seem to be of much help. Despite all of research/ education, they don’t really know what to do either and can easily play into the hands of someone with convincing yet distorted reality. On top of that, many people in the field are equally disordered searching for their own answers, source of control or supply of victims. Others try to be kind and don’t want to shame or blame with labels. Most don’t really have a monetary incentive to “label” In fear of losing incoming insurance money. Our society truly is in a sad state though I don’t think the prevalence of the disorders has increased much from early civilization. The only thing that has changed is the free pass that many of these individuals get from our modern selfish, culture. In the past, these people would have been shunned from society, sent to live in the wilderness, sent to sanitariums by loving family, locked away by the justice system to undergo medical treatment and going back even further probably burned at the stake or thrown into a river to see if they would float.
I understand that this might not be the response that some of you are looking for however it is an acceptance. And since every person is different, your situation may vary depending on your partner’s capacity to change on their own and your capacity to tolerate abuse. And don’t kid yourself, this stuff is abuse. It’s mean, turncoat, chicken ___ and wretched behavior that mustn’t be rewarded or enabled by withholding consequences. I also know that some people have deep trauma issues that if left unchecked make them at worst, impossible to partner with and at best very difficult to live with. It sounds defeatist, It sounds like I don’t care or that I’m un-empathetic to the pain and suffering of our disordered partners. I care deeply for them, I love them like I do my own family. Like my own family, I accept who they are unconditionally though I don’t have to keep disordered people in my life if they were to ever hurt me for personal gain.
There are healthier people out there. It’s hard to imagine finding someone else that will be as “perfect” as our partner I know. I also know that their “perfection” was actually based on a fantasy that they helped to create in our own heads with the mask that they wear. As we get closer, the mask develops cracks and they pull away triggering our own abandonment fears that cause us to try even harder to secure their love. Caretaking is our insurance for their love and it’s not a matter of if this relationship fails but a matter of when it fails. :)on’t invest in a home with a rotten foundation no matter how charming it may look on the outside and no matter how much “insurance” you have. There are much better homes out there, much softer places to land if you know what to look for and to do that, you have to work on yourself by learning that in a healthy environment, it’s okay to say no and all people, disordered or not, have a right to change their minds. You will learn something from every relationship, most important of these lessons is tolerance, care, kindness and self respect, in short - love, and if you haven’t, you’ve been doing something wrong but there is still enough time to change.
I’m not afraid to say it, I still love my ex fiancée. It’s my fault really, I didn’t know I was involved in a game of power and control. When she changed the rules without telling me I was left confused, insecure, afraid, tired and lonely. I reacted to her behavior and did all the wrong things, how would I have know? I wasn’t raised to love that way. In addition, I know that for her, appropriation of no contact is just a demonstration of her power, her defense against shame. If she were to ever read this, I want her to know that I don’t hate her and it’s a different kind of love now. A kind of love that she will never know and she can hold that against me for the rest of her life if she needs to. I’m not interested in power or control, I never was. If it’s that important to her she can have it. She just can’t take it with her. It goes to show you she didn’t really have any control or powered because she abused it and that has self-perpetuated inside of her a loneliness that I can’t imagine.
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