Intro

[Stela]

Hi... .I'm the mother of a 19 year old who was just diagnosed with a personality disorder that has both borderline and antisocial features. I'm sure I don't need to tell you all that it was devastating to hear.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Stella,

Glad that you are here with us and so sorry to hear that your d19 has this disorder.  You are amongst friends who understand and want to support you.

Can you tell us more about yourself and your relationship with your daughter when you are ready?

Does she live with you?  What do you find the most troubling about her behavior?

Is she in therapy and what kind?

I look forward to hearing back from you and learning how I can be a source of support and others here will too.

lbj

[Stela]

Hi lbj,

Thanks for the response.  It's actually my 19 year old son.  He lives with me currently, as he and his father have such a tempestuous relationship that someone could get hurt.

He has had issues around anxiety since he was about 9. He also experienced extreme irritability.  He has been diagnosed with bipolar, adhd, ptsd, ocd... .the list goes on.  However, a month ago, after another rage where he terrified his brother and sister, he told me he really needed to see someone.  He said that he hates these rages (which are one of his biggest issues), and that he has so much going on in his head and needed help.  We are fortunate to have an amazing PCP, who suggested neuropsych testing.  This is where we finally got an answer.  He told me that in the past, he has told counselors what they wanted to hear, that he intentionally manipulated and misled them in order to get out of counseling. I commend the honesty, because I had a feeling that was what was going on. He was completely honest with this neuropsychologist, because, as he put it, he wanted to know what was wrong with him.  So... .here we are.  Personality disorder with borderline and antisocial features, plus addiction (physiological) to marijuana. Just awesome.  I probably don't have to tell you that I cried like a baby when we got the diagnosis.  

Son19's biggest issue is his raging.  He will go from 0-60 in a matter of seconds and you can't talk him down from it.  He is destructive to property and physically threatening, although he has not ever physically harmed any of us.  I called the police once and had him arrested.  

I am married to a woman, and he used to be extremely close to her.  His behavior changes drove a wedge between them because he was stealing things from the home, and ultimately he broke an item that was of huge importance to her sentimentally (intentionally).  Right now they don't speak and she has moved out.  

He said he wants to get help, but I have seen no forward movement towards calling a counselor (we had a wonderful one, who has said he is willing to work with him again.) He has held probably 20 jobs since the age of 16 and has not held on to one more than a few weeks, although he was recently in Lake Tahoe for four months, where he worked as a snowboard instructor. The only reason he stayed with that is because he was hundreds of miles from home.

We, his family, are the unfortunate recipients of his lousy behavior.  He manages to keep it together with everyone else.  I feel for his brother and sister, who have been back burnered for years.  

I am physically and emotionally spent.  I don't know where to go, who to talk to, how to set boundaries with him.  I've literally been walking on eggshells, constantly afraid he will blow.  The saddest part is that he truly is a loving son.  He knows he has a problem, and he was anxious to find out what it was.  My concern is that he will not seek help, but instead will use it as an excuse.

I am willing to hear from anyone who has advice or suggestions.  This is such a painful place to be. :'(

 

[Lollypop]

Hi stela

I just wanted to quickly reach out to you. My own story is similar to yours. Change is occurring for you as your son matures and starts his journey.

Firstly my Bpds is 25 and was diagnosed in CA following many many years of chaotic and complex behaviours. We gave up on him last May 15 and asked him to leave. No dramas, just final realisation that there was nothing more we could do other than carry on enabling his MJ drug habit and working a bare minimum casually.

He went to CA (we live in the UK) and he has dual nationality.  Inevitable downward spiral, further and new addiction to a new drug he finally got diagnosed. This turned out to be a game changer. It's devastating but at the same time I found it to be a relief, as did he. He seized the label, addressed all his friends with his long sorry tale on social media, not as an excuse but as a explanation. It's painful to read his posts when he's in dark days.

I totally relate to you. I've cried myself a river. My marriage of 34 years has endured this strain but even to this day we have problems as we both struggle to deal with our sons limitations and find a way to live. My sons relationship with his dad is difficult and I now realise is key. My H really struggles and worries about the future. He feels a failure as a father.

We have a younger son of 15 who, until recently, has been a model son. I keep a close eye on his behaviours as he struggles with his relationship with his dad. Theme running here isn't there?

My Bpds hates his own behaviour but isn't willing to seek help. I've tried forcing the issue but now realise that he needs to want this for himself, to be fully engaged in his own personal development. I've stepped back and have learnt a new non judgmental way with him. I treat him as a adult.

We accepted him home mid-Dec just not knowing what would happen. I sought help in this forum and have found it to be a life saver. I removed all stress and worked hard on creating a loving and supportive environment. I've been reading, practising, questioning, posting and trying to model behaviours I want to see in the three men in my life. Slowly but surely we can now see improvements. I'm amazed. Truly. My Bpds is open and honest, without the stress his triggers are more evident and clear. I wait patiently and can only hope he seeks a mental health assessment.

I have an aim to have him live independently early next year. He will be 26. We plan on retiring in 4 years time. I don't know if this is achievable but we are feeling our any forward.

Please read as much as you can. Use the top right options, read the posts often, post as you feel the need the need. It brought me power and confidence as I started to understand what I had to do, to be the parent that he needs. Finally.

A massive welcome to you. You will find friends here who know exactly what you're going through. You are not on your own and there is a way forward. My life isn't what I wanted, my hopes and dreams for my eldest son will not be realised but he will find his own hopes and dreams. I accept his MJ use as he self medicates but not in our house, it keeps him stable and I've come to realise that stability is the key. He may never give up the weed, but that is his choice. I have a life of my own, I matter. I walk along with him as I learn.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for the reply and info Stella.  You do have a lot of relationship dynamics in play.  I'm sorry to hear that your life partner has left your home because of son's behaviors.

How old are your other children?

You are so right about not being able to talk our kids down when they are in a state of rage.  They have crossed the point of communication and being present for these rages only makes them worse.  There are ways to communicate with our 19 year olds (I have a d19 who was dx w/ emerging BPD at 12 years old) to help them feel heard and understood that sometimes keeps them from going into a rage... .validation.  If you haven't read much about validating the emotions of your son you can do so here.  We have articles, workshops, and videos on the subject because it is very important and helpful to our families.

It is difficult to discern what, how and when to set boundaries with our kids who don't seem to understand them... .they usually don't have personal boundaries themselves nor do they understand that other's do.  Healthy people have boundaries.  Boundaries can protect our relationships and make it possible to stay in relationship with very difficult people.  Setting my value based boundaries was necessary for  me as step 1 in order to create a safe (emotionally and mentally) environment for other positive changes I needed to make.  Once I set my boundaries and consistently enforced them I took back some control over my own life, my home, and my sanity.

All the people in your home can set boundaries to create safe emotion, mental and even physical safety for themselves.  Another aspect of boundaries is that our boundaries, enforced, also help our BPD kids learn, halts the escalation of troubling situations, and models for them to set boundaries of their own.  It's a win win all around though can be initially difficult for them to accept.

What kind of therapy is your son looking to participate in going forward?  CBT, DBT, ... .?

lbj

[Stela]

Thanks for sharing, Lollypop - it has already helped enormously to know I'm not alone.  I have felt that way for a very long time.  I'm sorry you've struggled with what sound like the same things we've struggled with! It's so hard.  I would not wish this on my worst enemy.  I've cried so many tears over my son. Your story gives me hope.  I plan to make good use of the tools I have found on this site.  I haven't checked out everything yet, but I am exploring.

lbj, he is planning to see a former counselor of his, and I am hopeful that he will steer him in the right direction.  My wife has left the home, yes, but we are still together.  She has her own place and we see each other often.  Is it ideal?  No, but I recognize now that she needed to do this for her own sanity.  At first I was angry, and felt deserted... .but what else could she do?  My son crossed a boundary and she had to take steps to protect herself.

It's all a long process, but I am glad that we have a diagnosis.  It sure wasn't what I wanted to hear, but life seldom is exactly how we want it.