validation surprise

[foody]

Hello.

Me and my gf of 16 yrs are separating,,her choice. She has BPD but it isnt diagnosed cause she refuses to goto doc.

Anyway over the yrs she's always hit me with 'your controlling' and used that as an excuse to rage at me and threaten to quit. After reading posts on here she started with the controlking stuff again today. I let her say a few of the usual commenta then replied " it must be terrible for yoy to feel that way" and walked off. It was a complete curve ball. She just looked at me amd said youve never acknowledged it before , what game are you playing?

I said nothing and just left the room. Completely knocked the argument out of her.

Cheers folks. Wish I'd found this sight yrs ago.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

 

Sometimes only takes a minor change in the way we react to make a big difference.

I bet you felt better for it too, rather than being drawn into defending yourself

[foody]

Waverider it was like a breath of fresh air! It completely threw her. Knocked all the fight out of her. After about ten minutes she was much more approachable,  actually discussing our problems and not shutting me down. Its a terrible shame that i wasnt more aware of these techniques earlier in our relationship.

Ive also become much more focused in the last few days. She cant control me anymore. Fog is lifting.

[waverider]

Too be honest i carry a bit of resentment that my wife's family put more time into covering up her issues than allowing her to get diagnosed properly. Hence i too had to put up with horrendous crazy times before i worked out what it was, then came here and worked out what i could do to keep the monkeys out of my head.

A lot of these tools are just good relationship skills that you can, and should, use with anyone. Its simply that pwBPD dont give you the margin for error that other people may let pass. So we have to lift our game and own our part.

[foody]

Im carry a lot of buried resentment. Ive done everything for the woman. Right from the start when she unloaded all her   bad stuff onto me. Ive always been there, always tried to support her. Bought a house so she'd have security but because i had to work shes always accused me of leaving her with a baby, worked my arse off to pit her through uni, i even got her her current job.

The last 12 months ive made a massive effort to understand her BPD although she wont accept thats what it is, " its just anxiety and depression'.

its never enough though is it? Whatever you do .and now she wants to leave because shes not happy.

All the love and devotion gets turned into something dark amd twisted and she's made me not care anymore. Thats whats making me so angry. She's pushed me to a point where i don't care. Time for me.

[livednlearned]

I'm glad to hear you had a good experience with validation, foody. 

You say you no longer care. Anger can give us a useful burst of momentum to change our ways when the old ways no longer work. Changing your focus from her to you might be fundamentally different than everything you have ever known, even helping to overcome residual guilt, which is probably the toughest one to beat.

[foody]

Cheers liveandlearned.

Shes being really chaty today. Eye contact etc. Shes going out again tonight. Still lying about where shes going, seeing, i dont really understand why now shes finished us. Maybe its because she's lied about the real reason she wants to finish and now camt be truthful cause everyone will know she's a liar. I believe  theres more to it than shes letting on. She's constantly messaging a guy she works with.

Its upto her. Im done. See what occurs the next time she has a meltdown and starts splitting without all the support she gets at home. That may sound cruel but after 16 yrs of   putting her needs first and having it thrown back at me its time for me now.

[drummerboy5]

Too be honest i carry a bit of resentment that my wife's family put more time into covering up her issues than allowing her to get diagnosed properly. Hence i too had to put up with horrendous crazy times before i worked out what it was, then came here and worked out what i could do to keep the monkeys out of my head.

A lot of these tools are just good relationship skills that you can, and should, use with anyone. Its simply that pwBPD dont give you the margin for error that other people may let pass. So we have to lift our game and own our part.

My exBPD/npds family does the same. Covers up her bag iota and alchol addictions. They kiss her A$$ and pay her bills. She's never lived on her own and she's in her 30s . I think her mother is BPD also. It's funny how some families enable their behaviors to stay on the pwBPD good side. Lol

[waverider]

My exBPD/npds family does the same. Covers up her bag iota and alchol addictions. They kiss her A$$ and pay her bills. She's never lived on her own and she's in her 30s . I think her mother is BPD also. It's funny how some families enable their behaviors to stay on the pwBPD good side. Lol

This the key, her mother probably sees her as a projection and reflection on herself rather than as an individual. Hence she can't be seen to be "faulty" as that means the family genes/parenting is faulty.

[waverider]

Cheers liveandlearned.

Shes being really chaty today. Eye contact etc. Shes going out again tonight. Still lying about where shes going, seeing, i dont really understand why now shes finished us. Maybe its because she's lied about the real reason she wants to finish and now camt be truthful cause everyone will know she's a liar. I believe  theres more to it than shes letting on. She's constantly messaging a guy she works with.

Its upto her. Im done. See what occurs the next time she has a meltdown and starts splitting without all the support she gets at home. That may sound cruel but after 16 yrs of   putting her needs first and having it thrown back at me its time for me now.

The huge empty hole inside her creates a neediness that can never fill it. Neediness is a process, it doesn't have and end product. It just consumes, and is never satisfied. She is probably always expecting the next object of need to fill it, but it never does.

Hidden agendas are the norm, almost a compulsive habit. Most likely because she has had a lifetime of avoiding real issues and hiding her problems. Concept of being totally open and honest is simply an alien concept. Odds are she projects that expectation on you, hence the groundless accusations.

The more you give the less respect you get as you ar not supplying the boundaries and values she lacks. pwBPD do not respect doormats, no matter how much they try to turn you into one, they just tread on them. Strong black and white boundaries work, they understand black and white even if they have a hizzy fit they get over it quickly. As they often do not know what value they stand for they need to know what you stand for so they can adopt yours. Think of a chameleon being confused as to what background they have to adopt.

Many pwBPD in their moments of insight will admit that they need to be told no more often.

You have the right approach about just focusing on you and stabilizing where you are at and not being reactive to her prods. It is a lot easy to say than do though, it will take a while to be like that naturally. You will see a change in the way she views you. You are also correct that most of the reasons and excuses you hear are often just made up in hindsight to justify what are essentially impulse driven actions. That may never change it is learned behavior from an early age.

[foody]

Cheers waverider.

She stayed out again last night. Came in in a good mood, chatting saying she's stressed over the situation. I didmt answer. I left her for a bit then told her she needs to see a mortgage advisor. She didnt like it. I then asked what do you want? I dont know was the answer. I'm bored of it to be honest. As much as i still have love for her im fed up with the lies etc. I know what ive got to do, she can rant about what the mortgage advisor said but she cant argue with the figures. She can go off with her new man, let him deal with it. Good luck to him.

[Fr4nz]

Many pwBPD in their moments of insight will admit that they need to be told no more often.

Indeed, my ex gf once said me that, sometimes, men has to slap women in the face to make them reason; at that time I remained appaled of that sentence; however, it makes perfectly sense once you keep into consideration the black/white boundaries thing you mentioned.


@foody: Yeah, it's definitely time to care about yourself!  

[waverider]

Many pwBPD in their moments of insight will admit that they need to be told no more often.

Indeed, my ex gf once said me that, sometimes, men has to slap women in the face to make them reason; at that time I remained appaled of that sentence; however, it makes perfectly sense once you keep into consideration the black/white boundaries thing you mentioned.


@foody: Yeah, it's definitely time to care about yourself!  

Similarly kids who are spoilt are usually the ones who turn on their parents with disrespect.

Like everything else it is balance, and fear of upsetting the apple cart skews that balance