Can change happen?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've been on this site since 2013, this past December I hired an attorney and was making my out. My uBPDbf and I own a house together and I need my down payment back and the only way he will give it to me is through court.  He received a letter from my attorney stating I was ending the relationship and wanted my down payment back. He delayed and was officially served papers at the end of March. During that time he is going to counseling and some behaviors have changed but there is at least once a week the poor pitiful me (ppm) syndrome. I don't believe his change will be permanent. I think it is the fear of abandonment and if I was to say "I'm not leaving, you have another chance" (not that he hasn't had multiple chances up till this past December. I think it would again become as it was!

Other than the fact I don't trust him, I've told him I need to be apart and have time and that maybe after that we could be together. There isn't anyone else, I just need to be away from his ppm & drama, etc. He has asked if there is hope for us, which I don't know other than I need space & time away, which since it is not what he wants he will not give without a fight.

My view is if it was truly about me... .the hurt and pain he caused me, he would do what I want no matter how much it hurt him, because then I would see he is about me being happy. Even though he says that, his actions are really about his hurt, his fears, his needs/wants.

[FigureIt]

I've been on this site since 2013, this past December I hired an attorney and was making my out. My uBPDbf and I own a house together and I need my down payment back and the only way he will give it to me is through court.  He received a letter from my attorney stating I was ending the relationship and wanted my down payment back. He delayed and was officially served papers at the end of March. During that time he is going to counseling and some behaviors have changed but there is at least once a week the poor pitiful me (ppm) syndrome. I don't believe his change will be permanent. I think it is the fear of abandonment and if I was to say "I'm not leaving, you have another chance" (not that he hasn't had multiple chances up till this past December. I think it would again become as it was!

Other than the fact I don't trust him, I've told him I need to be apart and have time and that maybe after that we could be together. There isn't anyone else, I just need to be away from his ppm & drama, etc. He has asked if there is hope for us, which I don't know other than I need space & time away, which since it is not what he wants he will not give without a fight.

My view is if it was truly about me... .the hurt and pain he caused me, he would do what I want no matter how much it hurt him, because then I would see he is about me being happy. Even though he says that, his actions are really about his hurt, his fears, his needs/wants.

[londons]

hi figure, your post asks the question, can change happen?  after reading your heartfelt paragraph, i think you answered the question yourself.  actions do speak louder than words.  but it hurts, i know.  sounds like you are doing the right thing.  good luck to you!

[formflier]

Yes, change can happen but as you have seen from your history here it is hard and not guaranteed.

From my quick look at your story, my gut says to get your down payment back and move on with your life.  Let your SO know that you are glad he is doing therapy and that you treasured your time together.  That you would be interested in evaluating the r/s after significant changes have been made and that you wish him well.

Then, live your life and respect his choices.

FF

[Notwendy]

It seems to me that there are two issues here, and while they are connected, you can separate them and make decisions. One is the relationship. The other is the legal/financial dealings with the house.

I do get the concern that it is the deadline on the payment that is behind his "changing" and the fear that if you drop it, things will be back to where they were. I get the concern that this motivation is "external"- not coming from his acknowledging your needs.

Untangling the legal/financial issues may help you get some clarity. If two people choose to be together, one would hope that the reason isn't because of a house. People do stay together for many reasons- kids, finances, but a house is just that, a piece of property and IMHO, not something to base a long term romantic commitment over.

So, you can untangle this- get the money back, sell the house- and then decide about the relationship. Dating someone doesn't require co-owning a house.  However, this might be a long drag out issue, possibly with legal fees if he refuses to give you the money. This could give you some insight into a long term relationship- imagine doing this with him if the two of you had more legal/emotional/ ties together- marriage- children.

If you know you want out of the relationship- and the situation drags out, you might consider that a financial loss is worth being done with it. Although this isn't "fair", sometimes the ending of dragged out conflict becomes worth it.

[Lucky Jim]

My view is if it was truly about me... .the hurt and pain he caused me, he would do what I want no matter how much it hurt him, because then I would see he is about me being happy.

Hey FigureIt, This may be an unrealistic expectation in the context of a r/s with a pwBPD.  As you have been on this site for three years, presumably you already know this.  I agree with what those have said above.

Apart from getting your down payment back, what would you like to see happen?  Do you want to move on, or are you interested in a recycle?  I can't tell from your post.  Maybe you are unsure yourself.  If so, that's OK.

LuckyJim

[Cat Familiar]

I need my down payment back and the only way he will give it to me is through court.   

Some behaviors have changed but there is at least once a week the poor pitiful me (ppm) syndrome.

I don't believe his change will be permanent.

I think it is the fear of abandonment and if I was to say "I'm not leaving, it would again become as it was!

I don't trust him. 

I just need to be away from his ppm & drama, etc.

I need space & time away, which he will not give without a fight.

His actions are really about his hurt, his fears, his needs/wants.

I edited your post and you seem very clear about your situation and what might happen in the future.

As it usually is with pwBPD, it's all about THEM, but they'll try to convince you that they're looking out for your concerns. And those of us who are codependent can easily buy into that delusion.

IMO, If he really cares about you and the future of your relationship, he'll give you your deposit back.

[FigureIt]

Thank you all for your advice and I agree with all of you.  I made my decision before December. I don't want to live this way anymore!  I do care about him but I don't have enough to continue to give & give & give & give and not receiving a reciprocal. I think sometimes I get stuck that I'm hurting him and see him as "normal" which they can portray briefly.  BUT, in the end it really is ALL about them... .

I have those same thoughts of if it was about me he would just give me the money, not use it to hold me.

[roncarebear]

It is hard to take.  She has nobody to visit her or take her phone calls from jail.  She has nobody in the world but me.  Her mother is a NPD/BPD that gives silent treatments.  For instance, I bonded my GF out a few months ago.  She is a compulsive liar and an addict.  I confronted her on her lies she would create a victim story about me when she splits black and run 100 miles to her hometown so she can get high and get away with it.  Then she gets her bond revoked.  Now she is in jail. Looks like some prison time soon.  She says she is going to work on herself so we can have a future together.  But when I confront her on our issues or real facts... she gets defensive... .deflects and she distorts reality, changes the history of what happens so we can never resolve issues.  I confront her now in jail about things she did.  Sometimes she is humble and admits it then when she is angry she takes back her admission and changes history to obviously cope with it.   and she stopped calling me for over 2 weeks.  I didn't do anything to her but call her out on her lies and distorted ways she copes with her shameful past.  She doesn't want to hear it and now is giving me the ST.  So I did write her some scathing letters to organize our issues and the truth.  I was angry so there was an angry tone.  I felt bad and sent her other letters that validated her and told her how much she means to me and how important she is.  Still the ST.

I feel like giving up on her cause she is like a 4 year old.  And the splitting and the objective constancy is antithetical to what I think love should be.  Shouldn't she fight through rage and shame to at least call the one she loves? or did she ever love me?  I wish this was over, but I don't want to give up on her.  Isn't that crazy making thinking?  She wants to have babies with me... .then its like changes her mind in an instant.  What the heck?

So did she love me?  Or is it toxic love?  Do I help end the ST? or do I wait for her to call me?  I did send her over a dozen letters and postcards to validate her. 

Somebody tell me what I should do?

[formflier]

I  I did send her over a dozen letters and postcards to validate her. 

Somebody tell me what I should do?

 

This is hard stuff.   I can tell you care.  I think I see some efforts at "tough love" to try and confront her with reality.

Confronting and BPD really don't go together.

To be more specific, the way you confront is very important.  Likely best left to a trained therapist or someone like you, after lots of training.  You need to deal with her emotions first, so she is "ready" to look at truth.

Validation is not about cards and letters it is about dealing with he emotions.  More specifically, emotions of the moment.  If she feels like she had different emotions yesterday than you perceived, it is important to not confront her on that, but also to not agree with her. 

Support her feelings.

I need a lot more information before I would be comfortable giving you big recommendations.

In general, sending lots of letters like that might trigger push/pull, where she starts to push away. 

If you don't know about push/pull, start reading. 

Do you want to learn more about BPD and your role in helping smooth our her emotions?

FF