Strong Boundary

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am trying very hard to keep my boundary strong.

Last time, BPDex wasn't at home when I went to pick up the kids like always. waited for 30 min texted him. He was still 45 min. away. Despite all the communication dropping the kids at my place which is 5 min. away from his, he wanted me to come back after two and a half hours. I was in the car ready to go back but fought with my desire and did not go. Through all the texts, he showed he is doing this because I did not switch the weekend like he wanted. He finally dropped them off two hours later than their bed time. Next day, I took a morning work off to give more sleep time instead of before care.

The court order is two months new even though CS and visitation time stayed the same as separation agreement. Ex has once every other week visitation and that is it. Nowhere said two weeks’ vacation during summer break. All the support here make me strong and I am learning to have clear boundaries, (Thanks livenlearnd, foreverdad, and many others). I want to make sure I am giving out clear message to him. This is his email this morning.

--> I would like to take J7 to guitar lessons on Mondays when H8 has her piano lessons. I found a place close by that will give him a 30 minute private lesson once a week. Also I would like to coordinate the two weeks the kids will be with me this summer. It would be great if I could get them one week in June/July and one week in July/August.

It sounds like a great co-parenting. I know it will come with a gigantic chaos and more demands. I thought of asking him if he looked into the real slot for guitar or if he wants to take them to soccer which we are already doing…but NO. I have been fooled too much.

I want to respond BIFF but giving him no way to twist any. I do not want to give him any weekdays but grand him some vacation time for kids. I hope he knows I do not have to. How does this sound?

___________________________________________________________________Thank you for coordinating in advance.

The visitation decision has been made at the court already. It is important that we stick to the court order. Also, while H is in piano lessons, J and I have our routines that are necessary for his school work.

For summer vacation, I can allow you to take them 3rd and 4th week of August. We already have plans in June and July. That will be from August 12 to 28 which includes your birthday.

H and J do not have school on May 20, Friday. If you want you can pick them up on Thursday after 6 instead of Friday that weekend.

Thanks!

[Godslove]

I am trying very hard to keep my boundary strong.

Last time, BPDex wasn't at home when I went to pick up the kids like always. waited for 30 min texted him. He was still 45 min. away. Despite all the communication dropping the kids at my place which is 5 min. away from his, he wanted me to come back after two and a half hours. I was in the car ready to go back but fought with my desire and did not go. Through all the texts, he showed he is doing this because I did not switch the weekend like he wanted. He finally dropped them off two hours later than their bed time. Next day, I took a morning work off to give more sleep time instead of before care.

The court order is two months new even though CS and visitation time stayed the same as separation agreement. Ex has once every other week visitation and that is it. Nowhere said two weeks’ vacation during summer break. All the support here make me strong and I am learning to have clear boundaries, (Thanks livenlearnd, foreverdad, and many others). I want to make sure I am giving out clear message to him. This is his email this morning.

--> I would like to take J7 to guitar lessons on Mondays when H8 has her piano lessons. I found a place close by that will give him a 30 minute private lesson once a week. Also I would like to coordinate the two weeks the kids will be with me this summer. It would be great if I could get them one week in June/July and one week in July/August.

It sounds like a great co-parenting. I know it will come with a gigantic chaos and more demands. I thought of asking him if he looked into the real slot for guitar or if he wants to take them to soccer which we are already doing…but NO. I have been fooled too much.

I want to respond BIFF but giving him no way to twist any. I do not want to give him any weekdays but grand him some vacation time for kids. I hope he knows I do not have to. How does this sound?

___________________________________________________________________Thank you for coordinating in advance.

The visitation decision has been made at the court already. It is important that we stick to the court order. Also, while H is in piano lessons, J and I have our routines that are necessary for his school work.

For summer vacation, I can allow you to take them 3rd and 4th week of August. We already have plans in June and July. That will be from August 12 to 28 which includes your birthday.

H and J do not have school on May 20, Friday. If you want you can pick them up on Thursday after 6 instead of Friday that weekend.

Thanks!

[Godslove]

He texted me tonight about me alienating, he is talking to his lawyer and some other people and what I am doing is wrong. He wrote about his weekday visitation and summer visitation as well as me not picking his phone so I keep the children from talking to him on the phone. I always have my children call him when he texts me he wants to talk to the kids. He said we agreed on weekday visitation once or twice week. While negotiating, it did come out and I did agree but it never flew so it is not in court order. Am I responsible to complying it even if it is not in court order? Can he push me about things that happened while negotiation?

[Turkish]

He texted me tonight about me alienating, he is talking to his lawyer and some other people and what I am doing is wrong.

So he says, right?

If the legal stuff is over, why would a lawyer still be talking to him? Time is money, unless this is his buddy.

Your draft obove looks ok, but I would lose the "I'll allow" verbiage. It's triggering. Being clear is good enough, if you're up to granting him some time you aren't legally required to. A certain amount of flexibility isn't unwarranted, but given his behaviors I would be ambivalent.

[Nope]

I agree with Turkish about reworking the sentence with "I'll allow". To answer your other question, no he cannot hold you to things worked on in negotiations that didn't make it into the final order. You are responsible for following the order.

[Godslove]

Thanks!

[Godslove]

His email back.

We agreed to let me see the kids mid week. I requested it in writing and you didn't want to add to the agreement stating we would be flexible on what day works best. Now I see it was never an option with you. Not allowing me the right to see them is considered alienation. Especially since I moved near you. Pick a day and let's make it happen. Also you said it's important we stick to court decision. Can you explain the importance of not allowing the kids to see me more? From what I read it's important to not alienate the father or non custodial parent.

Two weeks in a row in August will not work with my work schedule. I need a week in June or July. Linking weeks with my already appointed weekends does not qualify as two extra weeks. And will need to be taken into consideration.

Yes I will pick the kids up on Thursday.

________________________________________________________

I will not comment anything about alienation. I do not owe him any explanation. Should I remind the fact that I am allowing the kids to see him two more weeks during summer which is not in court order? Also, one more day in May? How am I alienating the father being flexible when I can? How can I give him more weekdays when he can not be on time or missing his visitations?

[Nope]

This is turning into too much of a conversation. The thing about these people is that you can go back and forth with them all day trying to defend yourself against meaningless garbage. Obviously not giving him the kids more than is dictated by the court order is not alienation. If the two weeks in August will not work for him and no other time will work for you then he is simply out of luck. Maybe next summer you both can try again.

When dealing with my skids uBPDm we try to offer two or three (maximum) options. If she doesn't like her options we give her parameters and tell her that she can come up with her own solution within those parameters. She never can because she's not a problem solver. So she ends up fighting against the options she was given. We warn her ahead of time that if something isn't worked out by a specific date then option one will automatically go into effect.

Recently DH decided to give her two weeks of summer parenting time. She wanted six weeks but he will not give her that until she goes to court ordered counseling. He explained his reasoning once, Then gave her the option of having one week in June/July and one week in August or two weeks back to back in August. She decided she wanted two weeks in July and felt she should have that because she was already being held to only two weeks when she wanted six. (Mind you, the order gives her no summer parenting time.)  DH's response:

"Unfortunately that is not one of the options. In order to accommodate the kids and my schedule the options are limited to two consecutive weeks in August. I was very clear in my email with you back in February about why the kids will only be spending two weeks in [her state]. But the important thing is to move forward to ensure you have time with them in August. So please let me know by April15th what dates you can make work."

And then DH did not move from that point. She wrote one more nasty email about how DH doesn't care what the kids want and he's being unfair and there is no point giving him any dates because he said at the beginning she could choose any two weeks she wanted (not true) and he kept changing the rules (also not true). DH did not respond. The next day he got a one line email with the dates for two consecutive weeks in August.

[Godslove]

Thanks for your advise. After one email stating I am not alienating, I didn't engage anymore. nine emails and texts from him about that ... finally first email just about summer schedule. If he takes me to court, I have enough evidence. I keep telling myself I am not afraid anymore.

For summer, yes! It is happening to me too! It is kind of funny how BPDs share same pattern. I gave him/GF another option (the first week of July AND the third OR fourth week of August) since two consecutive weeks of Aug. do not work for him. I also stated couple times this is extra two weeks. After a week, last Sat, he picks the last week of June! and the third week of Aug.

I actually want to make a deal. I work at school so I don't work during kids vacation. But this year, I go back to work two wks before kids. Yesterday I found a VBS during the third week of Aug. I already registered VBS the last wk of June but I can cancel. My goal is for him take the fourth wk of Aug. How can he twist this?

Unfortunately, the first week of July was the only other dates that worked for us. Kids and I already have a plan during the last week of June. Since you did not choose the options I gave, I understand you must have some complications at work. So I called around to see if our plan can be changed. It can be changed to the third week of August. So you can take the kids last wk of June if you take fourth wk of Aug instead of third.

______________________

thanks!