I need help

[Hope4us2]

Hello!  We have a adult child who was adopted into our family at age 16.  We had know her for 2 years before that.   We knew she suffered with abandonment issues.we thought we were "saving" her.  When she went to college, our relationship (which had always been perfect) suddenly deteriorated. The dysfunction and chaos over the last 1.5 years is unbearable for me at this point.   One of my best friends is a therapist and believes our daughter is strongly displaying BPD traits.  We have seen her transform herself into different people depending who she is around.   She can be a good churchy girl, a party girl, a victim, a feminists, suicidal, and most resently a grieving mother.   This is where I've had to disconnect.   My infant son died in November.  She has since mimicked my stories and claims that she had a son die.  She has built an entire fantasy about about her son.   She has since told us about being sexually permiscuious and drinking and claims she was raped-and that it resulted in a baby.  She says she never took a pregnancy test, but believes she was pregnant and miscarried.  This supposedly occurred exactly one year before my son died.  But she never told anyone about it until my son died. There have been so many lies and secrets all while she seemed perfectly fine on the outside.  I don't trust her.   She is like an emotional vampire.  She demands my focus and attention and threatens suicide if I don't respond "correctly" to her drama.   I confronted her about her baby fantasy yesterday and pointed out some crazy details that she claims as her story.   She can't see any of it.  She says I am full of myself to think that she is all consumed with me.  She twists everything I say.  I feel crazy. This relationship has wrecked my confidence and I question myself constantly.   I need someone who understands.  My husband is a good man- but when he says just "let it go"... .I can't comprehend how to untangle my emotions from her.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rockieplace]

I feel so sorry to hear of the awful things you are going through. I and many others on here have been through similar dreadful scenarios and are still going through them!  You are riding the roller coaster of your d's making and want to get off which is absolutely understandable. My husband, like yours,  tries to encourage me to 'let it go'. It feels almost impossible to achieve though doesn't it?

When I found these boards it came as enormous relief to find people to communicate with who totally get what we suffer.  There is also lots of help on here in the tools and lessons on the right.

lots of very wise people post on here too and will be able to advise and support you better than me. Lots of hugs