Son

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on here, but for the past couple of years, we've been getting reports from DS9's school about his behavior in class.  Basically it's pretty clear that he has adhd symptoms.  Now with DD, I wanted to do early intervention when we were getting reports like this from her daycare up to middle school, which my ex (DH at the time) fought me on saying we just weren't consistent, etc.  Well now you see where we are with DD.  When I divorced him when DD was 9 was when I started the process of trying to get her help.  Now the school Phycologist  is recommending DS see a therapist and my ex is against it.  So I am going to set something up at least on my weeks.

But another issue that has come up is this.  :)S son is on a baseball team to which my ex is the coach.  Well every time my son's team loses, my son throws a fit.  He will yell on the field that it's not fair if he feels that the other team makes a play that he deems isn't fair, won't shake the other team's hands if his team loses, got hurt and threw his glove, sat out when his team took the field because he didn't want to play the outfield position his father told him to and then cried when he wasn't allowed to bat as a result, etc.  Even the parents of some of the kids on our team have complained to the commissioner about DS's temper tantrums.   It is extremely embarrassing and infuriating.

I explained to him how it's about having fun and not about winning.  That everyone is learning how to play and how none of the other kids react they way that he does.  I told him that if he continues to act the way he was, that I would no longer be attending his games on his dad's weeks nor taking him on the weeks I have him.  Well that was before last weekends' game where he was benched for not taking the field.  So I told him that was it.

Again, I don't like to point fingers.  But I just find it coincidental that his father is the same exact way when he loses.  When I was married to him, he had me stay up with him until I let him win checkers! He refused to stop until he won.  Same goes for a whack a mole my DD had at the time.  Even at the game last weekend he said in front of DS how he didn't agree with the other coach not letting DS bat after not taking the field! And I rebutted and said I do, if DS cannot listen and take the position he was assigned then no, he should be benched and not get to bat.  Ugh!

Ex is with DS and he was with DD in that his kids can do no wrong.  That it's everyone else making them the way they are.  How do I teach DS that it's not about winning or losing it's how you play the game and in addition, is it right for me not to go to his games anymore like I said after his continued behavior or is that only going to make things worse?

[raytamtay3]

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it on here, but for the past couple of years, we've been getting reports from DS9's school about his behavior in class.  Basically it's pretty clear that he has adhd symptoms.  Now with DD, I wanted to do early intervention when we were getting reports like this from her daycare up to middle school, which my ex (DH at the time) fought me on saying we just weren't consistent, etc.  Well now you see where we are with DD.  When I divorced him when DD was 9 was when I started the process of trying to get her help.  Now the school Phycologist  is recommending DS see a therapist and my ex is against it.  So I am going to set something up at least on my weeks.

But another issue that has come up is this.  :)S son is on a baseball team to which my ex is the coach.  Well every time my son's team loses, my son throws a fit.  He will yell on the field that it's not fair if he feels that the other team makes a play that he deems isn't fair, won't shake the other team's hands if his team loses, got hurt and threw his glove, sat out when his team took the field because he didn't want to play the outfield position his father told him to and then cried when he wasn't allowed to bat as a result, etc.  Even the parents of some of the kids on our team have complained to the commissioner about DS's temper tantrums.   It is extremely embarrassing and infuriating.

I explained to him how it's about having fun and not about winning.  That everyone is learning how to play and how none of the other kids react they way that he does.  I told him that if he continues to act the way he was, that I would no longer be attending his games on his dad's weeks nor taking him on the weeks I have him.  Well that was before last weekends' game where he was benched for not taking the field.  So I told him that was it.

Again, I don't like to point fingers.  But I just find it coincidental that his father is the same exact way when he loses.  When I was married to him, he had me stay up with him until I let him win checkers! He refused to stop until he won.  Same goes for a whack a mole my DD had at the time.  Even at the game last weekend he said in front of DS how he didn't agree with the other coach not letting DS bat after not taking the field! And I rebutted and said I do, if DS cannot listen and take the position he was assigned then no, he should be benched and not get to bat.  Ugh!

Ex is with DS and he was with DD in that his kids can do no wrong.  That it's everyone else making them the way they are.  How do I teach DS that it's not about winning or losing it's how you play the game and in addition, is it right for me not to go to his games anymore like I said after his continued behavior or is that only going to make things worse?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[llbee814]

Hi Ray,

     I have not posted for a long while, but I see your post has many views and no responses, so I thought I would offer a little input. I have a lot of experience with sons playing sports, but none with an ex that coached them.  I did have experience with my hard- $$£d father coaching the one grandson, though, .  While my dad had plenty of issues, he was the polar opposite of what your ex-hubby seems to be like.   He absolutely held his grandson to a higher standard.  This, while tough at times, was not a bad thing.  My son learned a lot of good things that his own father probably would not have taught him.  Don't get me wrong, my father had issues up the wazoo, but when it came down to it he wanted better for his grandson.  I actually watched one game where my father encouraged the umpire to throw my son out of the game for bad sportsmanship.  That was a hard day to be his mom, but ultimately it turned out to be a good thing.  My son was a good ballplayer and wanted to play.  He learned that he couldn't behave badly if he wanted to remain in the game.  He also learned that he let his teammates down and they didn't think it was cool to have one of the best players thrown out.  I don't know what your setup is structure wise for this league,  but you do mention other parents going to the commissioner.  Can you feel comfortable enough to go and have a confidential discussion with this person and explain the situation. He might even be looking for an allie to work out a solution regarding your husband's behavior. I know it's probably a lot of politics, but if you can find someone trustworthy behind the scenes, you may be able to work out a solution with them.  If your son behaves like that, he should be sitting on the bench.  Not to mention your ex is setting a horrible example as a coach.  Two other things.  I  would absolutely be there at his games no matter what.  You need to see what is going on for yourself.  The second thing  is that I would look into a sport for him that your husband has no part in.  Karate comes to mind as there is a lot of self discipline involved.  Maybe even something with his stepfather could be appropriate.  I have strong feelings about kids having had to deal with a BPD sibling.  It definitely takes a toll.  I know your boy is younger and that concerns me.  My BPD dd was the youngest and I know it had a huge impact on my older kids.  Not to sound cold, but I would be concentrating on the little guy.   Radical acceptance time for your dd, you have gone above and beyond for her.  Maybe time for you and your son to be able to step back from that and concentrate on your relationship.   Just my opinion.  Wish you all the best.   Blessings,  L.

[Gorges]

Another opinion here, and again just my opinion.  But, kids who are not involved in something productive (sports, dance, art, drama, music) can find unproductive activities (drugs, sitting around on social media) when they get older.  I would also be be embarrassed by his behavior but your responsibility is to yourself and your son and not anyone who might be judging you or him.  I would continue to let him play and go to his games.  Let the league and the other kids take care of teaching him good sportsmanship.   He is not going to learn it if he isn't given a chance to experience it. 

I know you feel responsible to teach him right from wrong and it is embarrassing and disappointing when the outside world has to do it. But, often, this is the most effective way for kids to learn.

[raytamtay3]

Thank you.  Yeah, I was kind of thinking the same thing. Thankfully his father said he isn't going to coach anymore because of all of the parents complaining about our son. 

I do plan on focusing a lot more on DS.  I'm in search of a therapist who is willing to work with us at least every other week since his father doesn't think he needs it and isn't willing to take him on his weeks.

[lbjnltx]

My little brother would act out during games when he didn't do well.  I remember him being benched for throwing a bat after striking out. 

Unlike your son, my brother had no father figure to help guide him (rightly or wrongly) and the coach was a well balanced man who put learning good sportsmanship above winning.  My Mom enrolled my brother in the Big Brothers Big Sisters program and he got an awesome young man to support and model behaviors in his life.  My Mom also had our next door neighbor spend time with my brother to give him a male role model.

It does take a village!