Dying NPD mother -- please help

[Narkiss]

My mother is diagnosed NPD. She is dying of lung cancer. She has no support system. Either drove them away, cut them off or doesn't want to tell them what's going on. My sister lives in a different country. I have had good boundaries in the last several years. I do only what I can do, but no more. Now I get calls at all hours. I have to arrange for her care, hear her fears, deal with doctors, etc. Even spending a short time with her fills me with panic and pressure to get away. Last night she called me accusing me of telling the doctors to give her a CT scan to see if the cancer has spread. (they wanted to do the scan, she refused and accused me of being behind it). I feel like a terrible person, because I am doing what I need to but not doing it with the best grace. I do not want to listen to her fears or do errands when she has caretakers who can do them (but she wants me to go to the grocery store, etc, for her not them).

She is a very charming person and people love her. But I grew up with rages, gaslighting, denial and the very strong feeling that she doesn't care about. I knew this even as a child.

Has anyone gone through this? How do I deal with this? I am filled with anger and panic and guilt. People hear that my mother is sick and they think they know what I'm going through. But they don't.

[Narkiss]

Correction, people don't love her. But most of my friends think that she's a lovely person (because she is so charming) and think I'm being too hard on her

[Naughty Nibbler]

NARKISS:

So sorry for what you are going through.  It has to be tough to work through your feelings.  End of life issues with a mentally healthy parent is tough, but a BPD parent has to really mix things up for you.

If you aren't in therapy, it might be something to consider.  A therapist can help you work through your mixed feelings. 

The uBPD in my life is my sister.  Both our parents recently passed, within 6 months of each other.  My sister and I had to work together on many issues.  I'd have to say that losing both parents was tough (and dealing with end of life health issues), but the more traumatic thing for me was dealing with my uBPD sister.

There is plenty of helpful information on this website.  There are several links on the right hand side of the page and there is additional helpful information in The Learning Center of the Message board (either go to the main menu index or you will see a drop down navigation feature at the bottom of this page.

Here are a few links on this website that might be helpful

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).  I think you will relate to the situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to:  SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries - you might find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[Kwamina]

Hi Narkiss

Having a family-member be so seriously ill is always a difficult situation. The fact that your mother is NPD, unfortunately makes it a lot harder for you.

When you wrote this post you were experiencing some strong emotions. How are you feeling now?

It is hard indeed when other people don't see or can't see what you see and know about your mother. Those people however only see one side of the story, whereas you are able to see the entire picture. You know your reality and that is more important than what other people say. Your own well-being is very important and you need to do what is necessary to take good care of yourself so you can remain balanced. Other people might not understand, but they also don't have to deal with the things you have to deal with.

Finding the right balance and having firm boundaries is indeed very important, also in this new situation with your mother being so sick. You are doing what you can to be caring and I think it is ok to draw the line somewhere. Caring for your mother and not taking care of her seems an advisable strategy here. You mention your mother also has other caretakers so it really isn't necessary for you to do everything. Your mother might want you to do everything, but it definitely isn't your responsibility. Though your mother is sick, she isn't a helpless victim. She might try to cast your as rescuer or portray you as persecutor, but it is all just projections stemming from her distorted thinking.

In spite of everything, she is of course still your mother though. How does it make you feel knowing your mother is terminally ill? I know you also talked about this in another recent post you made:

My mother has non-small cell lung cancer and is very sick. She is diagnosed NPD. I feel conflict and guilt but yes, I almost look forward to her passing. I have a mother who has never cared about me and when the chips are down --and even when they're not --thinks only of herself. I have no feelings for her other than a desire to get away. It is like caring for a stranger, one I don't particularly like

Take care

[Narkiss]

My mother died. I feel sad and numb and guilty that I wasn't a better daughter. I didn't bring her flowers

[busybee1116]

I was writing this as you posted.  I'm so sorry to hear your mother died. You ARE a good daughter. And no gift (flowers, perfect end of life care) would make you one in her eyes. I hope you can find some peace.

I work in healthcare and have seen others go through this... .I'm not looking forward to the time one of my parents (uBPDm/uNPBDf) reaches end of life. The secret fantasy is that they both die together in a massive car accident or similar because dealing with the dying one will be as bad as dealing with the surviving one during the end of life process and then after. Two BPD/NPD patients at end of life stand out in my memory--one daughter found the time strangely healing and she was able to forgive her mother a lot.  Like your mom, had alienated everyone but her one daughter. She saw her mother as human and frail and sad and without support. It was quite amazing to witness. There was a clear progression in her mother's decline with endpoint in sight and that helped. Plus, the daughter had a supportive network herself (great husband, lots of friends, church) and hospice. The other is still incredibly bitter long after her mother's death and the end sounded a lot like you're describing. No peace, enormous stress, tons of FOG. Daughter also has a husband who needs some help (low vision) so she was stretched very thin. My point--I think you're stuck being the one to help out, but reach out to your support network as much as you can. If you don't have one, get hospice involved ASAP. Talk to her doctors about that--if she is truly dying, at what point do the tests, procedures and appointments become futile? At what point do you focus instead on symptoms and comfort? Talk to her doctors about how fearful she is, how stressed extra tests make her. And if she has caretakers... .work with them to offload some of the more menial tasks. I know mom wants you to do these things, but if you "take charge" by delegatating, you are advocating for her. See if you can reframe it that way. "Ok mom, you want some milk and cheese. I will make sure caretakerA gets that done ASAP. Let me get out my master schedule and I'll make sure CaretakerB gets you to all your appointments this week." My parents, particularly my uNPD father, love an audience and extra attention. I plan to fully exploit this when the time comes.

As for well-meaning people who "know what it's like," that's where you can show some grace perhaps. Work to accept that these people are trying to be nice but have no idea. I would also guess that they also think you're doing a great job for being a "good daughter" and would like to think they'd do the same. Of course, they may have more appreciative mothers. In the end, no matter what happens--whether you do everything for her or nothing, your mother will die. I would do what you think you have to in order to sleep well at night. If that means not answering every call or ignoring her protests that she doesn't want the caretaker to do XYZ, you're still a good daughter who has done more than most and you don't have to explain that to anyone.

Hugs from me.  

[busybee1116]

Some of what I wrote may still apply. Please know you did the best you could in a grim situation with a difficult person. If you did one thing perfectly, something else would not have been good enough. There's always something. Do you have support yourself?

[Kwamina]

Hi again Narkiss,

I am very sorry for your loss. You were really struggling with this situation and it is truly sad that as a result of her NPD it was so difficult for you to have a relationship with your mother.

It isn't easy at all dealing with a disordered parent, even as an adult this can still be very challenging. I think you tried to do the best you could do in very difficult circumstances. Your mother's NPD behaviors were taking their toll on you so I totally understand why you felt you needed some space and did not want to do everything for her. Taking care of yourself and being mindful of your own well-being is also very important and in my opinion does not make you a bad daughter at all.

I am wishing you peace and strength as you mourn the passing of your mother

[Fie]

Hello Narkis,

I am new  on this site, so I don’t know  if I should   post something, because what everyone else is writing makes so much sense already.

I feel very sorry for your loss. Please  read carefully, ‘YOUR’ loss.  I  am feeling this feeling for YOU, not for your mother. I think this website is there so we could feel better, and take care of ourselves. I don’t think this website is created to teach us how to be ‘a better daughter’, ‘a better spouse’, ... .

Did your mum treat you like you should treat a daughter ? Because you first need to be someone’s daughter, in order to become a ‘good’ daughter …

Being the daughter of a BPD mum,  I always tried to be  a good daughter. I never knew how to be one, because  I  tried everything, and apparently, it was never what she had in mind. Until I  realized I couldn’t  be a good  daughter for my mother. I think for my mum, there is not something called having a ‘son’ or a ‘daughter’. There is only room for herself.

Please take good care of yourself.

Fie