She wants an apology letter...

[mstnghu]

So, here's the story. I've mentioned in another thread that my biggest negative contribution that I've brought into my relationship with my UBPDW is my drinking problem. I don't mean to come across as making excuses for it, but in all reality, she did drive me to drink. I began to develop my drinking problem after my relationship with her progressed. It became my coping mechanism for dealing with her emotional instability.

Anyways, about a year ago it came to light that I'd been hiding just how much I'd really been drinking. After becoming aware of it, my wife has now said multiple times that I've "destroyed her life". Yes, I had a drinking problem, but I didn't "destroy her life"! I was just trying to cope with being married to her.  When she found out about my drinking, I wasn't ready to throw in the towel on our relationship so I agreed to start attending AA meetings. It was basically an ultimatum of hers that I attend AA meetings regularly and that I get a sponsor.

I knew that I needed to get my drinking under control but at the same time didn't necessarily think that I needed to go to AA or go as far as get a sponsor. The ultimatum is what it is though and I agreed to it. Since I basically quit drinking cold turkey a little over a year ago, there have a been a handful of times where I've had a couple of drinks (friend's mom's 60th birthday party, work Christmas party, etc.) when my wife wasn't around. She is adamant that I never drink again, but the fact is, I do enjoy drinking. I don't enjoy getting s**t-faced, just a little buzz and then done. That right there tells me that I'm not a real "alcoholic" because I can control my consumption.

Rewind to a couple months ago and my wife found out about a time that I drank recently. We got into a huge fight because of it and I ended up leaving for the night and stayed at a hotel because I couldn't stand to be around her. When I left, I didn't take my wedding ring. The next day when I went home she told me that she won't give my ring back until I write an apology letter. She has never actually specified exactly what she wants me to say in this letter. I can only assume that she wants me to grovel to her and admit that I'm a total piece of s**t who doesn't deserve her. a

Here we are a couple months later and I still haven't written the letter. I did verbally apologize to her for hiding the fact that I drank. That isn't enough for her. My biggest concern though is that she wants me to put my "dirt" in writing so she has some sort of leverage against me. Last year when she first found out about my drinking, she tried to get me to do an apology letter then too. She took it a step further and specifically wanted me to apologize for "putting our son's safety at risk" with my drinking! This is something I completely disagree with. I don't believe that to be the case at all. The fact is, we've discussed divorce many times before and I think that she really just wants something that she can use to fight me for custody with. I never wrote the apology then either.

Every day now she bugs me about writing this stupid apology letter "or else". I still don't have my ring back and honestly don't know if I even want it back anymore. Am I being an a**hole for not writing this apology that she seems to want so bad or am I being smart by not setting myself up for some sort of blackmail from her later?

I'm feeling a little conflicted. Any words of advice? Am I smart for standing my ground or am I just being a jerk?

[Notwendy]

My biggest concern though is that she wants me to put my "dirt" in writing so she has some sort of leverage against me.


I would be concerned about having something in writing that she could then use against you.

One of your boundaries could be that you don't do this, you have apologized to her, and it is her choice to accept it or not. She doesn't have to accept it, but you don't need to be forced to have a written confession. This could be used against you in many ways- blackmail, in court if there was ever a separation, or to "prove" abuse.

But I see a situation between the two of you that you could work on if you choose. Taking responsibility for your own issues. PwBPD tend to blame others. Your wife is focusing on YOUR drinking as the issue instead of looking at hers. You on the other hand are blaming HER for your developing a drinking problem and now focusing on her demands for an apology letter.

Since you have been in AA ( and I have been in 12 step co-dependency groups)- I know you know better than that. Your wife's behaviors may have stressed you out,  but you chose to drink  to cope with it. There are other ways to deal with stress. While it would be great if she owned her own issues, you know that you have no control over that, but you can own your issues.

Stopping drinking is a first step, but then there are the issues that a person drank as a means to cope. It is great that you were able to stop/cut back, but then there is often more work to do. I know some people who attend AA and also co-dependency and ACOA groups to deal with these other concerns. Many people in relationships with pw BPD have co-dependency traits and some family dysfunction.

That right there tells me that I'm not a real "alcoholic" because I can control my consumption.

This, to me, is the most concerning of your posts. An alcoholic isn't just addicted to alcohol. An alcoholic uses alcohol as a way to escape their own painful feelings. Writing a  letter, reluctantly, to appease your wife is actually more of the same- "she made me do it".  

We can't change another person, but to change the dynamics in a relationship, we can take responsibility for our own issues. Change starts with us. A first step would be to acknowledge the part that is yours- to yourself, a sponsor, or a therapist, someone who will help you confidentially, and take charge of this- beyond the alcohol part. None of this requires giving your wife a letter ( to possibly use against you) or even discussing it with her. This part isn't for her or about her. It's for you, and it can benefit you no matter what she decides.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I read this as a few independent issues that become dependent when put together.  I prefer to work from the inside out.  Take care of you and yourself first, then tackle problems outside. 

First and foremost, address the drinking as you think you should.  You sound as though you recognize you have had a drinking problem.  I don't believe they go away.  Drinking problems only go dormant.  Deal with this on its own, and as an important part of who you are. 

Next, there is the issue with your wife.  I do not know if you are considering divorce or separation, or what importance the marriage plays in your life.  Nevertheless, that deserves attention.  Either way, you want to be on healthy ground (i.e. have stopped drinking and gotten to your healthy self in other ways too).  If marriage "drove" you to drink, the agony and turmoil of divorce, and having an abusive ex-wife, will not diminish your desire to drink to "deal" with it.  See how you have to come first?

Then, once you are on good footing, and know where you want the marriage to go, deal with the request for an apology letter.  I am not you, nor in your situation, therefore, my reaction is not yours.  However, I would flat out refuse to write an apology letter - unless and until it comes from your heart, and you believe it is the right thing to do.  Which is the opposite of what I understand of your situation.  You are being coerced and manipulated.  Don't play the game.  She took your wedding ring as blackmail to control you.  For some unknown reason she wants a letter, and wants to word it for you, and almost certainly hold you hostage forever by what's in the letter.  Don't do it.

I think your wife's behavior would evoke a hostile response from me, but, I don't know what you are feeling, and I am not you.  I will warn you against the idea of ultimatums from an abuser.  Once you do one thing on the "list" or let her blackmail you in one area, you are playing by her rules.  She can continue to withhold, control, demand and manipulate you in ever-increasingly damaging behavior.  You'll get to the point that she may feel entitled to file false police reports, make wild false accusations, contort you into whatever suits her mood, set you up to be tempted to start drinking again, and so forth.

For what it's worth, in my new life view, the only real adult relationship is an equal relationship.  Not equal? Not a relationship.

Wishing you well on your journey towards peace and sanity!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey mstnghu, Agree w/NotWendy and Samwize.  Suggest you decline her request for a written apology.  Reading between the lines, it appears that she is using F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt) in order to manipulate you.  I suggest that you refrain from succumbing to this sort of pressure.  I caved a lot to this sort of guilt-trip in my marriage to a pwBPD, but now I have no tolerance for manipulation.  I suggest that this is important for your own self-esteem to be free from this kind of emotional blackmail.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Noted: As I feel I've been through the wringer, so to speak, I also find that I react strongly to attempts at manipulation and control.  I'm still in my marriage, but it does not run me.  I think as people reach enlightenment concerning abuse, they become more immune, and aware, and hopefully freer. 

@OP - as you move along your path, see how your feelings change with your awareness of what is going on.

[formflier]

That right there tells me that I'm not a real "alcoholic" because I can control my consumption.

This jumped out at me too.  I've got a bit of an unconventional take on this (big shocker, right?).  I was an alcohol counselor as a collateral duty in the Navy for a long time.

I like looking at your stuff as relationship issues and I think boundaries are important.

Yes, you have a relationship with alcohol.  It really comes down to who is in charge.  You or alcohol. 

You have a relationship with your wife.  Same thing, who is in charge of "your part" in the r/s, her or you?

That looks all kinda blurry from your post. 

Being in a relationship with someone and "hiding" other relationships in your life from that person is almost always a  .

A very big red flag that you hide your relationship with alcohol (or lie about it),

I do understand the reasons, but the end result of all the reasons is that there is a lot of dishonestly coming from you in your relationships, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

Much better to choose to be open and honest and not "protect" the feelings of others. 

Oh yeah, don't write the letter.  Next time she brings it up, clarify that you have apologized and she has a choice to accept or reject.  Clarify that you will not be speaking of this any further.

Drop the issue.

FF