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Author Topic: She admitted she wants me back  (Read 9650 times)
CloseToFreedom
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« on: May 20, 2016, 08:31:44 AM »

I never would have thought it would've come to this. I thought I was painted black forever. Well, guess not. Let this be a lesson for everyone: they can always come back. The difference is what you do with it.

So 1,5 year ago we split up after 5 years in an on/off relationship, even living together. This time it was for good, and a month after she already had a new boyfriend. I got into a depression, sitting at home (downtime from work) for a few months, anti depressives, you name it. During spring last year I started to recover and during last year I made progress in every facet of my live: going to the gym regulary to work on my body (and mind!), creating a big group of friends for social interaction, enjoying ME-time, not feeling co-dependant anymore, and picking up work again.

In the 1,5 years that we've been seperated, I've learned to be independent (which was well needed as I'm already around 30 years old), I've learned to create hobbies, I've learned to be true to myself and do things I want to do. I've gained so much friends and a new appreciation of life and the peace that comes with not living with a BPD or toxic person. Aren't I lonely, longing for a partner? Sure, sometimes. I have dated and had a few flings but they all ended up not feeling quite right, so why continue with them? By being true to myself I've been much more careful in whom I start a relationship with. And I still have time, so there is no pressure.

So, to the meat of this story: the first few months when I tried to contact her, there was only hatred, I was painted blacker than black. Then during the summer, she slowly started contacting me every now and then. This continued (like, once a month or even once in two months) until the beginning of this year, when she send me an e-mail admitting her own mistakes in the relationship and telling me that she changed herself. After a year of working through my trauma's it was shocking and quite unbelievable to read this. I wondered if it was to recycle. Members on this board seemed to think it was. Which led me to asking why she contacted me and if she was interested in recycling (though not admitting I wanted that - I don't even think I wanted that). Her answer was, of course, no. She was happy with my replacement (she was already living with him, bought a house together). She just wanted to tell me that the problems in the relationship were partly her fault. It was a 'last thing' to get off her chest.

Well, guess not. Since that e-mail she has been chatting on a phone chat program about every month or so. Yesterday she asked if there was a chance we would ever get back together. I asked why. Which led her to tell me that she actually wasn't happy in her relationship. She is very unhappy and she says she's pretty much certain her current relationship will end. And that she sometimes thinks about getting back with me, if such a thing was possible. And that she has learned a lot and would appreciate a lot more of all the things I did in the relationship now that she has learned. Like, a newfound appreciated for my personality and the things I did for her, now that she's had some distance.

I guess it won't surprise you that this stuff has my head spinning. Never in the year and a half that we're seperated, I would have expected her feelings for me to be put so bluntly. It's also the very first time I have to think about terms like 'triangling' (she of course still is with her boyfriend, unhappy or not) and true ' recycling'. Its an entirely different situation than I used to be in... .and not, in a way. Because I can just choose to let it be. I have this information now, I know (or at least she said) that she is unhappy and she sometimes wants me back. I can just choose to leave it at that, to be kind when she chats, but to do nothing with it. It is my choice. I have to start planning some time in the coming weeks to really think back about the relationship, to also remember all the pain I had during those years, the way it eroded my personality, my social life and even my health.

I won't fall head over heals in a trap she might have set, that's what I'm saying.

I would greatly appreciate any feedback from you people, perhaps experiences in the same situations. Thank you in advance.
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Hadlee
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2016, 08:45:53 AM »

Reading that says to me that they don't grieve the loss of a relationship at the time, it happens further down the track.  I've read a number of stories/articles that say they grieve in reverse, the loss hits them a lot later than it does for us nons.  I guess it makes sense because that's when they come back.  The next person they get into a relationship with distracts them from the previous one, and their own pain, but eventually it's not enough and things come to the surface.

And of course, I'm not talking about all pwBPD as some don't come back at all.

Goddamn, BPD is sad!

I can understand, how after all this time, her coming back has made your head spin.  Be strong and take of yourself     
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C.Stein
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2016, 08:47:29 AM »

A question to ask yourself.  What makes you think if she were to come back to you she wouldn't be doing the exact same thing she is doing here with you with the guy she is with now in a year or two?
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2016, 08:50:48 AM »

Reading that says to me that they don't grieve the loss of a relationship at the time, it happens further down the track.  I've read a number of stories/articles that say they grieve in reverse, the loss hits them a lot later than it does for us nons.  I guess it makes sense because that's when the come back.  The next person they get into a relationship with distracts them from the previous one, and their own pain, but eventually it's not enough and things come to the surface.

Goddamn, BPD is sad!

I can understand, how after all this time, her coming back has made your head spin.  Be strong and take of yourself     

Exactly! Its like, they grieve after a LONG while and then they see that their actions were wrong (well, perhaps they see it that way... .). And to ease the pain they go to the next victim so the pain dissapears, until that wears off.

You say be strong, but what do you mean with that? Like, take care of myself? I most definitely will, I've learned to do that in the past year and a half. Or do you mean, stay the hell away? It was my first thought as well, but when you're in the midst of it, it's very difficult to keep telling yourself that without at least putting the pro's and con's next to each other.


A question to ask yourself.  What makes you think if she were to come back to you she wouldn't be doing the exact same thing she is doing here with you with the guy she is with now in a year or two?

Yes, this is one of my fears. What if a few years (or even months) down the line, she gets uneasy again and leaves me for another. I mean, she's done it with me, she is planning to do it with him, so what is she doing to make me believe she won't do it again? Absolutely nothing, well, except for telling me that she learned that I was the right one for her. I do admid I treated her like a freaking princess most of the time, I bet its hard to beat that for other guys. But its also not something that is sustainable for me. I need to have my own life, even if Im in a relationship with someone.


One thing's for sure... .if I survive this, I can change my name to Freedom
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Hadlee
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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2016, 09:02:04 AM »

You say be strong, but what do you mean with that? Like, take care of myself? I most definitely will, I've learned to do that in the past year and a half. Or do you mean, stay the hell away? It was my first thought as well, but when you're in the midst of it, it's very difficult to keep telling yourself that without at least putting the pro's and con's next to each other.

In staying strong, I mean try not to let this mess with your head too much.  Keeping a clear mind helps in these situations.  It's so, so hard though!

I've been out quite a while, and I am mentally strong, however I would think getting contact like you have would rock me slightly. 

Again, with taking care of yourself, it's about not getting caught up in FOG.  It's important to look at the big picture.  Sounds like you have done some awesome work on yourself in the last year and a half.  Good for you Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2016, 09:03:42 AM »

Yes, this is one of my fears. What if a few years (or even months) down the line, she gets uneasy again and leaves me for another. I mean, she's done it with me, she is planning to do it with him, so what is she doing to make me believe she won't do it again? Absolutely nothing, well, except for telling me that she learned that I was the right one for her. I do admid I treated her like a freaking princess most of the time, I bet its hard to beat that for other guys. But its also not something that is sustainable for me. I need to have my own life, even if Im in a relationship with someone.

Actions speak louder than words.

If there is any one thing I have learned about my ex is her words (important relationship type stuff), even with the best intentions, were not backed by her actions.   I honestly believe she wants to be the person I fell in love with but the borderline within her, her "dark side", will always overshadow and control her.  No matter how much she tries to suppress this side of her she can't and it will slowly destroy those who are closest to her.

So what has your ex done to show you she has faced her BPD and made positive change?  
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« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2016, 09:06:45 AM »

Hey Close,

About a month, two months ago (when I think we chatted on here) I would have given anything to be in your position, but now I don't envy you at all! That would leave me spinning, I hope you're managing ok and not letting it undo all of your hard work.

I'm trying to imagine what I would do in your position, and I'd be all over the place. I'd be reluctant to even acknowledge it, having successfully resisted attempts at reaching out, but there will ALWAYS be that part of me that loves her. If I was to consider it, I'd have to know the she had been having intensive therapy (which for my ex I know she is starting soon, which was actually quite great to hear). But I don't know, I'd be too scared of falling back in to that hole of walking on eggshells. It doesn't change anything that came before, or that I ended up in my own counselling because of that.

I'm taking things VERY slowly with a new girl who is great, and is something I hope develops nicely over time. BUT, if the lure of my ex came along, I don't know how I'd react. I genuinely hope you make the right choice for you.
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« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2016, 09:18:13 AM »

She "sometimes" wants to be with you, and is "unhappy" in her current relationship.

Speaking from personal experience, I think it is best for everyone if you wait for her to NOT be in another relationship before you even worry about it. That's advice I'd give anyone. It seems like she's seeing if she can jump right from him back to you. But what about her being single for a while? If she finds that unendurable, well, that tells you a lot.

That's advice I'd give anyone.

Now, if you want advice about making a r/s work with someone with BPD/traits... .maybe go hang out on the staying board for a bit and see what they have to say?
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #8 on: May 20, 2016, 09:43:57 AM »

In staying strong, I mean try not to let this mess with your head too much.  Keeping a clear mind helps in these situations.  It's so, so hard though!

I've been out quite a while, and I am mentally strong, however I would think getting contact like you have would rock me slightly. 

Again, with taking care of yourself, it's about not getting caught up in FOG.  It's important to look at the big picture.  Sounds like you have done some awesome work on yourself in the last year and a half.  Good for you Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Yes, thank you, I HAVE done a lot of work on myself and its the thing Im most afraid of - undoing all that progress.

Actions speak louder than words.

If there is any one thing I have learned about my ex is her words (important relationship type stuff), even with the best intentions, were not backed by her actions.   I honestly believe she wants to be the person I fell in love with but the borderline within her, her "dark side", will always overshadow and control her.  No matter how much she tries to suppress this side of her she can't and it will slowly destroy those who are closest to her.

So what has your ex done to show you she has faced her BPD and made positive change?  

Absolutely, you are right. She hasn't done anything that I know off. She said she worked on her issues, whatever that means, although I imagine she doesn't want to tell me exactly what that means in a chat program on the phone, but perhaps face to face if she ever gets the chance. So its too early to tell. If I even want to know.


Hey Close,

About a month, two months ago (when I think we chatted on here) I would have given anything to be in your position, but now I don't envy you at all! That would leave me spinning, I hope you're managing ok and not letting it undo all of your hard work.

I'm trying to imagine what I would do in your position, and I'd be all over the place. I'd be reluctant to even acknowledge it, having successfully resisted attempts at reaching out, but there will ALWAYS be that part of me that loves her. If I was to consider it, I'd have to know the she had been having intensive therapy (which for my ex I know she is starting soon, which was actually quite great to hear). But I don't know, I'd be too scared of falling back in to that hole of walking on eggshells. It doesn't change anything that came before, or that I ended up in my own counselling because of that.

I'm taking things VERY slowly with a new girl who is great, and is something I hope develops nicely over time. BUT, if the lure of my ex came along, I don't know how I'd react. I genuinely hope you make the right choice for you.

Thanks for your feedback and the describtion of your own situation. It's true, in the first few months I often hoped and dreamed of this situation, but it never happened. And now that I've truly moved on, it happens.
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« Reply #9 on: May 20, 2016, 10:05:50 AM »

run away.

u can use her for rodeo sex but not a relationship!

run for your life!
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« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2016, 10:25:41 AM »

Absolutely, you are right. She hasn't done anything that I know off. She said she worked on her issues, whatever that means, although I imagine she doesn't want to tell me exactly what that means in a chat program on the phone, but perhaps face to face if she ever gets the chance. So its too early to tell. If I even want to know.

I believe the action here you need to be very aware of is what she is doing behind her current boyfriends back.  Chances are good that she has damaged him to the point where he no longer validates her in the way she needs him too, the end is near, she needs to fill the void.   Now she is looking in your direction because she remembers how you validated her.   In short ... .it would appear nothing has changed.
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« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2016, 10:33:33 AM »

Common experience here is that recycles almost always fail... .and, if you are somehow able to stay in the relationship, you'll have to be well aware of the many facets of the disorder, so avoid dramas, fights, etc. (at least, up to some extent).

Anyway, your choice man... .my suggestion is to find an emotionally healthy woman Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2016, 10:35:06 AM »

Absolutely, you are right. She hasn't done anything that I know off. She said she worked on her issues, whatever that means, although I imagine she doesn't want to tell me exactly what that means in a chat program on the phone, but perhaps face to face if she ever gets the chance. So its too early to tell. If I even want to know.

I believe the action here you need to be very aware of is what she is doing behind her current boyfriends back.  Chances are good that she has damaged him to the point where he no longer validates her in the way she needs him too, the end is near, she needs to fill the void.   Now she is looking in your direction because she remembers how you validated her.   In short ... .it would appear nothing has changed.

I agree with c.stein here. It's classic BPD behavior to the tee.

Someone who has worked on their issues doesn't reach out to an ex while still in a relationship to see if it would be possible to get together at some point. People with BPD do that, tho. and they will always do that.

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« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2016, 10:41:29 AM »

Absolutely, you are right. She hasn't done anything that I know off. She said she worked on her issues, whatever that means, although I imagine she doesn't want to tell me exactly what that means in a chat program on the phone, but perhaps face to face if she ever gets the chance. So its too early to tell. If I even want to know.

I believe the action here you need to be very aware of is what she is doing behind her current boyfriends back.  Chances are good that she has damaged him to the point where he no longer validates her in the way she needs him too, the end is near, she needs to fill the void.   Now she is looking in your direction because she remembers how you validated her.   In short ... .it would appear nothing has changed.

Indeed, very likely her "poor" current parner is enduring exactly what CloseToFreedom endured in the past.

Now, CTF, the question for you is: do you see that nothing changed in her? Do you really want to play the game again, only to be (very likely) shot down for a  second time?  
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« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2016, 10:44:02 AM »

u can use her for rodeo sex but not a relationship!

what is she, a bull  ? is this safe or sound advice mental illness or not?

Actions speak louder than words.

and the actions here are that she is in another relationship, trying to get back in one with you. the words are worth little - youre not privy to whats actually going on in the relationship.

its all nice to hear, i imagine. its validating. nothing wrong with that. youve come quite a long way, and its understandable that this would give you major pause.

steelwork offers good advice here. she jumped in a relationship after you. shes doing it again. that doesnt demonstrate much in the way of learning and isnt a stable foundation for a relationship.

im not trying to tell you what choice to make; thats yours, and its a very personal decision. the (rhetorical) question is what has changed and what are your expectations? the Improving board can give you the skills and tools, and inform your expectations, but youve got to be willing to do the hard work, and even that is no guarantee.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #15 on: May 20, 2016, 10:58:57 AM »

... .now that she's had some distance.

I've often quoted what someone said years ago... .BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, the closer the relationship, the more evident it is.

With her more distant now, she may appear less abnormal.  But get close again and if she's not well along on her way to recovery (through intensive meaningful therapy applied throughout her life) then the crazy will soon resume.

Also, note that she is still in another relationship yet she is in contact with you.    Sounds like you're on the back burner, simmering on hold so she has a backup when this relationship ends.  That's common.  many disordered people jump from one relationship to the next, it's the instability.  If you let her jump to you, understand that she isn't done jumping.
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« Reply #16 on: May 20, 2016, 11:34:51 AM »

run away.

u can use her for rodeo sex but not a relationship!

run for your life!

I would recommend not to do this at all. Run away and don't look back. As others have said it is easier said than done. You are mostly healed from the pain from the past. Don't go back man honestly. Eventually you will be back to square one if you get back with her. It will hurt twice as much if she left again.
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« Reply #17 on: May 20, 2016, 12:58:21 PM »

Thank you all for the feedback folks. Some pretty intense reactions here. Which is quite logical, as it is triggering. At least it is for me. Im not stating that Im getting back at her. But I guess Im not stating that Im a 100 % sure I won't, which is where the quite justified warnings come from. You are all right when it comes down to her behaviour: her getting in touch with me while being with another person is extremely disrespectful for me, for him, hell even for herself.

Like I said, I will keep the contact low and try to think things through very carefully. I am in no way ready to go to the undecided forum. I am living a life without a BPD and have been for 1,5 years now and proud of myself. Giving that up feels like a gigantic waste of time. And I never ever want to get back to the headspace of a year ago. I am glad I survived that and ended up stronger from it. Its just that the lure is strong, almost siren like, as many of you will probably recognise, and talking and hearing about it here definitely helps. So thanks.
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« Reply #18 on: May 20, 2016, 01:13:31 PM »

BPD or not, people make mistakes. People sometimes see the errors of their ways.

Sometimes it takes another 'failed' relationship to see what worked.

That is me putting the silver lining on all things.

The real question you have to ask yourself, suppose she gave it all up to be with you--what do you want your 2nd attempt at the relationship to look like?

Spend 10 minutes thinking about this. The conversations you two will have. The life you will grow and nurture. The ways you two handle conflict.

Think really hard what you want a relationship to look like for you.

Do you think this person can provide the relationship you imagine?

Make sure you understand what you will get out of this and if you are okay with it then go for it.

Also realize if you have 'grown' and have changed the way you interact with her (on a more healthy level) she may not find it alluring.

She may be looking for the same dynamics as before.
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« Reply #19 on: May 20, 2016, 01:34:26 PM »

Also realize if you have 'grown' and have changed the way you interact with her (on a more healthy level) she may not find it alluring.

She may be looking for the same dynamics as before.

Interesting point.  One of our early moderators and a prolific poster made a similar observation.

Another thought... .   It has been commented in years past, I recall a longtime member, JoannaK, would put this observation out there... .

Some think that if only their spouse would get help (and us as well of course) and make real progress toward recovery then the relationship would be fixed.  However, if the spouse would change that much, even though improved, consider that one or the other may not want to stay married.  At least one and probably both would be changed.  There are no guarantees that eventual recovery would restore the relationship.

I say this since you've been separated for a while and she has a boyfriend, two significant steps.  Ponder that (1) recovery and (2) returning to you are two very iffy and separate things.  Getting one does not mean you get both.  Just saying.

Also, be aware that your prior relationship with her didn't result in children.  If you get back with her and have children, that really upsets the apple cart.  Having children is a huge complication when acting-out disorders are involved, the dynamics are quite different, there are parenting obligations rather than an "at will" relationship.  And you can't walk away, you're connected to some extent for a couple decades at least, even if not together.
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« Reply #20 on: May 20, 2016, 01:39:19 PM »

You are all right when it comes down to her behaviour: her getting in touch with me while being with another person is extremely disrespectful for me, for him, hell even for herself.

Contact isn't necessarily disrespectful, but what she is expressing to you is IMO.


And I never ever want to get back to the headspace of a year ago. I am glad I survived that and ended up stronger from it. Its just that the lure is strong, almost siren like, as many of you will probably recognise, and talking and hearing about it here definitely helps. So thanks.

I completely understand the lure, the hope that maybe, just maybe, she can be the person you fell in love with.   I know that is what I sometimes think, all too often if I am being totally honest with myself.  Then I remind myself of what I highlighted above and of what she did.  

As hard as it is at times to reconnect with those feelings, when I can manage to do it I know without hesitation I never ever want to be back in that place again.  My achilles heal is I tend to believe in the best of people and am generally forgiving and understanding person.  This part of me is like candy to a pwBPD.  What I need to be more aware of in the future is to not allow someone to take advantage of me because of this and when it happens to actually recognize it for what it is and put a stop to it (unlike what I did with my ex).
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« Reply #21 on: May 20, 2016, 02:17:35 PM »

What I read from the original post is this woman doesn't have any independent identify,  she's with you,  then immediately with someone else,  now wants to jump back in with you.  She's just bouncing around to new sources of supply before doing any self reflection alone.  If she can't be alone,  she certainly can't stay with you,  if that makes sense.
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« Reply #22 on: May 20, 2016, 02:40:38 PM »

Along with her being with someone else, I would also be worried about being painted black. Even if it's just one time.

In my opinion, to be painted black, means her realizing that you are on to her disorder. She might admit that she has to work on some things, but I believe that she knows that you know her to well, and this scares the living heck out of her. So she lets time pass by, seeing if you will do anything about it, or see if you're still willing to maintain contact with her. After that, you become a challenge to her, and a major ego boost if she could reel you back in. This is where the fun for her starts.

Once she has you hooked, she'll make you pay for figuring her out. Her mission will be to destroy you. Ultimately, she will flip the table, and make you out to be the defective person in this relationship. Just so she can say, I don't want you, I never did. Being painted black and recycled is never a good thing. That's just my opinion.
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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #23 on: May 20, 2016, 11:50:04 PM »

Aren't I lonely, longing for a partner? 

I suggest that you listen to "Ain't That Lonely Yet" by Dwight Yoakam on Youtube.

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Confused108
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« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2016, 12:57:58 AM »

Let me say this ... .RUN! Why would you even think about possibly wanting to let her back in? They Do NOT CHANGE! Unless they go to therapy and stick with it. My ex became this at 14 yo and I had no idea what BPD was. Came back 26 years later and told me all this bull $hit how she still loves me blah blah cough! Then after a hellish 2 months of What the heck is going on she discarded me without a care in the world and on top of that Told me she Never loved me. Ouch! So why would you possibly think that your ex will change with you? Never mind that look at the poor guy she bought the house with? Her other victim? Boy I wonder what hell she is putting him in now? I feel that when they start to devalue us there is a warm body waiting for them on the other end of that. Weather it be a recycle from their past or a new victim. It's got a heartbeat. Run ... .Unless you want you heart handed back to you this time charcoaled.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #25 on: May 22, 2016, 06:00:14 AM »

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I'll try to just let this be more proof of that I made the right choice and that I, while certainly anything but perfect, WAS indeed a good person and someone who can be valuable in a relationship. Not that I need my ex to validate me, but still, it doesn't hurt to know that I was apparently doing things right. I won't be giving her the chance of breaking every gain I've made down again.

Stay strong everyone!
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« Reply #26 on: May 22, 2016, 11:39:10 AM »

I don't know your back story or how your r/s ended (did she lie? did she cheat? did she breach your trust in any other way that feels irreparable?) but I have sometimes considered how I would respond in the same situation.

This is what I think: I loved my ex very much but she is mentally ill. It will be years and years before she is capable of a healthy, intimate r/s (if ever). If she said something like this to me, I wouldn't see it as manipulative, I would see it as true in the moment. She might feel it and believe it as she's saying it, but there's no guarantee that her feelings about us wouldn't change to something completely different a week later.

So I wouldn't trust it.

I've changed a lot in the two years since we've been broken up, as well. Now I want much more in a r/s and I know I wouldn't be satisfied going back to her - even though I have residual feelings.
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Herodias
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« Reply #27 on: May 22, 2016, 12:05:04 PM »

Aren't I lonely, longing for a partner?  

I suggest that you listen to "Ain't That Lonely Yet" by Dwight Yoakam on Youtube.

       https://youtu.be/8EOG7UWcThQ    

LOL, This is true... .I don't like the idea of using anybody, especially when we all feel used here to begin with. The thought that they all come back has yet to be seen. Some say theirs have never come back. I just don't know... .What we do, if they do is what matters. They need to be encouraged to get therapy and stick with it. They didn't do it then and they will not do it until they hit a "rock bottom" with relationships. I would make sure that they know it is not cool to sneak behind anyones back to be involved with someone else... .it brings you to a whole other level of tests and manipulation. Think about it. It would be different if they were alone, saying they have done the work to change and really and truly repent of their ways and miss you and feel they made a huge mistake. That isn't what we seem to get with these recycle attempts. I even talked to an old friend whose wife died that I had dated 15 years ago... .he said he changed. I had thought he might have after going through all of that. No, another friend of a friend went out with him and I heard he is no different. I suppose they say the more we change, the more we stay the same. I can absolutely say that for myself- I am not the person I was 10 years ago, not even one year ago! You have to do the work!
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #28 on: May 23, 2016, 06:50:13 AM »

I don't know your back story or how your r/s ended (did she lie? did she cheat? did she breach your trust in any other way that feels irreparable?) but I have sometimes considered how I would respond in the same situation.

This is what I think: I loved my ex very much but she is mentally ill. It will be years and years before she is capable of a healthy, intimate r/s (if ever). If she said something like this to me, I wouldn't see it as manipulative, I would see it as true in the moment. She might feel it and believe it as she's saying it, but there's no guarantee that her feelings about us wouldn't change to something completely different a week later.

So I wouldn't trust it.

I've changed a lot in the two years since we've been broken up, as well. Now I want much more in a r/s and I know I wouldn't be satisfied going back to her - even though I have residual feelings.

As far as I know there never was cheating involved. We were incredibly close so I doubt it ever happened, but you never know for sure of course, especially not with BPD (or whatever she is... .she's undiagnosed at least, well at the time). We broke off because we were seperated for 10 times or something in five years already. In 2013 we had a fantastic year with no break ups, but in 2014 we moved in together and then the problems started again. Lots of arguments, break ups, just a very unhappy vibe. Me dreading going home from work to see the dissatisfied look on her face when I got home, she unhappy because I was distancing myself more and more because of the ___ty relationship... .it was just an unhappy place to be in. Big problem for her was that she seemed to think I wasn't listening to her problems enough (I was listening, but I often just couldn't understand them). Big problem for me was that I never felt appreciated anymore. I did so much for her, tried to make her feel like a woman, a princess even, by taking her out, taking her out to dinner, vacations, jewelry, you name it. But also in the household, trying to help. She didn't appreciate anything anymore, or at least didn't show it.

So I guess that's why one of the things she said last week was that if we would get back together, she would appreciated everything so much more, now that she's had it way worse with the other guy.

It's easy to say stuff like that. But to mean it is a whole different story. Who knows if she means it, if she just means it in this moment, or if she says it to attract me again. You never truly know.
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jhkbuzz
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« Reply #29 on: May 23, 2016, 12:42:03 PM »

So I guess that's why one of the things she said last week was that if we would get back together, she would appreciated everything so much more, now that she's had it way worse with the other guy.

It's easy to say stuff like that. But to mean it is a whole different story. Who knows if she means it, if she just means it in this moment, or if she says it to attract me again. You never truly know.

Right... .my guess is that her current boyfriend is trying his best to make her happy and feels completely unappreciated.

While she may not have breached your trust when you were in a r/s with her (mine did, which is another reason why I would never recycle), her behavior now (contacting an old boyfriend and putting out "feelers" while living with a new boyfriend) reveals a lack of character. Are you really sure she wasn't doing the same thing during the worst parts of your r/s? It seems more likely that she did - people are who they are, and do what they do. Repeatedly

This whole situation feels... .troubling, to be honest. I'd think very carefully about how deep you want to go with her. pwBPD require YEARS of therapy to be in a successful r/s.

The one thing I learned (the hard way) in my r/s: words are easy. Anyone can say anything. When words and actions align, then the person is probably someone trustworthy. When words and actions don't align, watch out.

Her words and her actions don't align. She misses you, she would appreciate you if she had another chance, this new guy treats her poorly... .but yet they're still sharing a bed and a life together.

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