Is it her job? Or her BPD? I want out of this back and forth.

[Cipher13]

I am at odds yet again. Never seems to fail. W gets a new job and she find drama, turmoil, "people that don't like her" (those are her words), is bored, and so on. While I know the answer to some of that is purely her and the BPD part of things I still do not remove myself from her situations. I get pulled in... .because I allow it I know that.

I swear pwBPD find anything and everything to make a situation bad or worse than it needs to be. She claims people are conspiring against her and making stuff up. I can't totally prove that she is making that up as she forwards me part of email conversations that seem like that is the case.  She is always hyper paranoid people won't like her if they don't follow her level of sense of humor or personality.

Then top it off with never being happy where we live. Somewhere else is better than where ever it is we currently live or the last place was better than the new place.

#1 problem is me. I enable it. I try to be the fixer. I am 100% all in for her needs and feelings ignoring any of mine. I only complain on this message board yet never do anything to make it better for myself. What do I gain... .NOTHING What I lose might as well be everything... .family, friends, myself identity. I am a shell and because I am week I let it happen to me.

[Icanteven]

W gets a new job and she find drama, turmoil, "people that don't like her" (those are her words), is bored, and so on... .Then top it off with never being happy where we live... .I enable it. I try to be the fixer. I am 100% all in for her needs and feelings ignoring any of mine.

As you say, you already know the answer.  And as the husband to a mentally ill spouse that has a lot going on, almost certainly to include BPD, I could have made the. exact. same. statements. word. for. word.

Lots and lots of job hopping with no real career plans or goals.  Drama everywhere she's been.  Our incredible home isn't enough, we need even more bedrooms and bathrooms (nevermind that she can't contribute anything financially).  I put my life on hold to take care of her, doing anything and everything for her and not even remembering the last time she so much as took a cup in the kitchen for me.

For me, she made the choice for our family by leaving.  I'm still struggling with my emotions, but my hope is that one day I look back and realize her leaving was for the best.  It quite literally became a 100/0 relationship, and nothing I did could fill the void of her emptiness, no matter how great the gesture.  Sounds like you're in the same boat.

[Grey Kitty]

#1 problem is me. I enable it. I try to be the fixer. I am 100% all in for her needs and feelings ignoring any of mine. I only complain on this message board yet never do anything to make it better for myself. What do I gain... .NOTHING What I lose might as well be everything... .family, friends, myself identity. I am a shell and because I am week I let it happen to me.

 If I recall your history, this is progress... .isn't acknowledging that you got yourself where you are today new for you?

Anyhow... .my suggestion is pick a single tiny thing for yourself, and reclaim it. Start with a small and easy thing.

Maybe take a 10 minute stop on the way home for work, and spend a little quiet time on your own... .with your phone off.

You chose to do this. You can choose differently.

[Leonis]

Lots and lots of job hopping with no real career plans or goals.

... .and nothing I did could fill the void of her emptiness, no matter how great the gesture.

Oh my gosh. That's exactly like my ex-fiancée. She plans on going back to school for an associates in sonography and eventually becoming a technologist in imaging. But why? She's already a med tech making $48k/year. Why dump 15 grand into school just to hope for a position that pays about 10 grand less and hope to eventually become imaging technologist (about $65-70k/year) somewhere down the road. The investment is totally not worth it.

How does she plan on doing this? Oh, working full-time 7 on 7 off and take classes in the evenings. Does life really need to be more difficult than it already is?

And the perpetual emptiness! Ugh... .she feels that the more she invested into the relationship, the more empty she feels. Nothing I could have done would have been able to fill that void to make her feel loved because she'd just nitpick another small instance where I disappointed her.

[KarmasReal]

Hey Cipher,

Your post sounds all to familiar to me. Let me tell you something you already know, it's not the job. This same thing was also an issue for me ex bp. She was nearly 30 before leaving a job at a coffee shop and taking one as a pharm tech. Both jobs had no long term advancement. Then off and on she would want to go back to school or change jobs again because nothing ever satisfied her. While we were together I heard endlessly, at both of her jobs, how her managers hated and bullied her or her coworkers were mean or the customers or there was backstabbing, anything to create a little drama inside her head. Sound familiar? This is a manifestation of BPD. I'm sure there are many others you are dealing with as well. Sorry to hear you feel like a shell. Please take some of that 100 percent you have invested in her and start investing in yourself. Hope this helps!

[Cipher13]

Well my first instinct when she it telling me and explain her work situations is to back her up, listen and defend, defend, defend.  Then I truly listen and begin to digest it, separate feelings from truth and facts. She mentioned last night if it was her. I would have said yes but I noticed the tone of voice that was used to proclaim that and bells sounded... ."no leave this alone!"

Without going into details here is what I am to understand. She was told by a "friend" to be careful what she says around person X because she is a spy for person Y and will collaborate to make it difficult for her. My first question is what grade are we in? middle school or adults I forget. I told her every time things seem to get like this and there are problems this particular person is the one fanning the flames. They you eat it up word for word. Sounds like she is the problem not you. When I asked her if she has actually heard anything from anyone else about her performance she says no. But she claims to know they must be talking behind her back.

Going back to myself and my role in this I try to remain both supportive and logical. I know no other way because most of this seems so silly to me. So "Mean Girls" type stuff. Also she claims that this is the exactly the kinds of things she had to deal with when she was in Middle School and high school which caused her to have to move schools to get away from it. Hmmmm another pattern shows it self.

All my instincts right now are telling me to get in the car drive far away and never come back. Hide, leave get away and save myself from this torment. Even leaving on the more "honorific" method of letting her know I want to leave (which scares me even more) sounds better than staying. That brings me to why I don't and to what scares me I think. I feel obligated to help her and pick her up and fix all the broken pieces. However I know I can't and at this place in my life should not have to.

[Grey Kitty]

#1 problem is me. I enable it. I try to be the fixer. I am 100% all in for her needs and feelings ignoring any of mine. I only complain on this message board yet never do anything to make it better for myself. What do I gain... .NOTHING What I lose might as well be everything... .family, friends, myself identity. I am a shell and because I am week I let it happen to me.

Anyhow... .my suggestion is pick a single tiny thing for yourself, and reclaim it. Start with a small and easy thing.

Well my first instinct when she it telling me and explain her work situations is to back her up, listen and defend, defend, defend.

You can't fix her by trying harder. You've already said that your need to fix her is #1 problem, not her. Take a break. Focus on *SOMETHING* for yourself.

All my instincts right now are telling me to get in the car drive far away and never come back. Hide, leave get away and save myself from this torment.

That is something at least part of you really wants. It is also at the level of a drastic fantasy escape. And even so, I suspect it would be better for you than the status quo. It is also drastic and probably terrifying.

Can you take a very REAL but smaller step? Claim an hour a day for yourself where you don't talk to her, don't have your phone on for her to contact you? If not an hour, 15 minutes.

Or maybe just tell her that you are going fishing this weekend and will not be reachable, and Friday after work go anywhere, turn your phone off, and show up either Sunday night or go straight to work on Monday, and show up Monday after work. Just get yourself some space to breath!

[Cipher13]

Or maybe just tell her that you are going fishing this weekend and will not be reachable, and Friday after work go anywhere, turn your phone off, and show up either Sunday night or go straight to work on Monday, and show up Monday after work. Just get yourself some space to breath!

This would make what I am going through with her right now seem like therapeutic spa. No doing that would make everything I am hating in my life so much worse to deal with. I'd never get out the door. But it would be nice if I could.

Claim an hour a day for yourself where you don't talk to her, don't have your phone on for her to contact you? If not an hour, 15 minutes.

This might be more possible but not easily done either. Problem is that every waking minute I have she wants me at her side unless its chores. And to do what? She is on the phone texting or the computer doing what ever while I sit next to her. Just getting up to go to the bathroom creates a "hey where are you going?" I ignore the "no you don't have to go yet." Then it's "will you come back"

[ForeverDad]

Hi!  I thought I'd chime in here.  My Ex and I had been married for 15 years before our marriage imploded.  It had been gradually going downhill for years but what pushed and sealed the end was my misguided hope that a child would make my troubled spouse happier.  It didn't and to protect myself the marriage had to end.

So I gather you two don't have children?  As I mentioned above, children don't fix a relationship, actually it adds more strain and complications, both during the marriage as well as afterward should the marriage end.

I tried to be an understanding and accommodating family head but over the years I found myself appeasing more and more.  Of course appeasing isn't healthy, it wears down needed boundaries and enables more poor behaviors.

My Ex too complained about her jobs.  They'd start great, they loved her, she was the only one doing the job right but months later she'd complain about her coworkers, they didn't appreciate her or her work, etc.  But it wasn't her work, it was her (or her distorted perceptions).

An overview observation... .You've been married for a decade and a member here nearly 2 years now.  How are things — better? the same? worse?  Frankly, if you're losing a little of yourself virtually every day with little or no return, how will you recover yourself or your life?  Boundaries are necessary but she will resist them of course.  And any exceptions will be perceived as weakness, openings or invitations to press for more boundary exceptions.

[Waddams]

Cipher at this point, you really need to find yourself a good therapist.  One that has experience with personality disorders.  I don't mean to sound harsh and I mean this with compassion, but the chief issue you have right now is not your wife.  It's you.  You're stuck and your not going to get unstuck without getting professional help.

I was the same way once, getting into therapy that helped me clear up my own distorted thinking, find my true authentic self, and build the strength to live my values and hold boundaries to protect myself - it was the best, and hardest, thing I ever did.  It's scary, too, but the thought was that if I did nothing, nothing would change, and that was scarier.

And remember this too, boundaries aren't for other people.  Boundaries are for yourself.  I think you have to dig deep down, find yourself again, re-acquaint yourself with your values, and decide what life you want that conforms to those values.  Then, establish boundaries for YOURSELF that will keep you in line with those values.  What will happen next is your life will change.  Some people will fall out, and new people will come in.  It will take some time, and some heartache, but it's worth it.

And none of it will happen until take the first step and get yourself some help.

[Cipher13]

An overview observation... .You've been married for a decade and a member here nearly 2 years now.  How are things — better? the same? worse?  Frankly, if you're losing a little of yourself virtually every day with little or no return, how will you recover yourself or your life?  Boundaries are necessary but she will resist them of course.  And any exceptions will be perceived as weakness, openings or invitations to press for more boundary exceptions.

Id' say the are the same.  No kids here. She mentions wanting to adopt once every so often. I do not want to bring a child into this. I'd like to be a father but not in this environment.

Cipher at this point, you really need to find yourself a good therapist.  One that has experience with personality disorders.  I don't mean to sound harsh and I mean this with compassion, but the chief issue you have right now is not your wife.  It's you.  You're stuck and your not going to get unstuck without getting professional help.

I couldn't agree more. Very honest and true words. I know that it is me and only me that can change this or leave it go the same as it is.

I am not sure the best way to find that professional. I have been to many various counselors. None had specific expertise in this area. Oh by the way she emailed me after her meeting with supervisor about this work stuff. I was right it was just her hearing gossip and making it worse in her own mind when nothing was really going on that was wrong. She will believe a negative word about her that can not be proven over a positive that she knows to be true.

[Waddams]

Disordered people's behaviors play off of those around them, especially those they are most intimate with.  They won't change (usually) until they no longer have someone else around to continue their cycles with.  Then they either look in the mirror recognize they need help and get it, or seek out someone new to continue their old patterns with.

Point being, sometimes, the best thing you can do for a disordered love one is to leave them.  By staying, you only enable their dysfunction.

[ForeverDad]

Cipher at this point, you really need to find yourself a good therapist.  One that has experience with personality disorders.  I don't mean to sound harsh and I mean this with compassion, but the chief issue you have right now is not your wife.  It's you.  You're stuck and your not going to get unstuck without getting professional help.

I couldn't agree more. Very honest and true words. I know that it is me and only me that can change this or leave it go the same as it is.

I am not sure the best way to find that professional. I have been to many various counselors. None had specific expertise in this area.

Maybe your search is too narrow.  For example, most of us who realized it was time to leave (or were forced to leave) sought lawyers to help us unwind the dysfunctional marriage or relationship.  Guess what?  Most lawyers are unfamiliar with "personality disorders".  But there are some who are problem solvers and not just form filers, who do know and can handle "high conflict" cases.  So could it be that you were conducting too narrow a search?  While you may never find the perfect-fit counselor, consider how best to find an experienced counselor that you're comfortable with who can help you erect good boundaries, learn relationship and communication skills, advise you when your observations and conclusions are valid or not, and help you chart a better future for yourself.

Don't forget, we here may not be counselors, therapists, psychologists or attorneys, but we have been through the wringer like you and come out the other side a bit battered but stronger and more confident in ourselves and our futures.  We've "been there, done that".  The remote peer support here is astounding.  If counselors aren't available, the collective wisdom here is even more timely and valuable.

Two years here should have given you a good foundation to proceed with regaining your future.  If not, then what help have you not sought and what questions have not been sufficiently answered?

[Waddams]

Sometimes peer support by those that have been there and gotten through it is just as valuable or even better than a therapist.  Especially if you get a therapist that is not knowledgeable about treating or dealing with severely disordered people.  Couples therapists are trained to foster communication and compromise, not evaluate individuals.  My experience with couples therapy was useless because my XW wasn't interested in compromise.

And honestly Cipher, if you want out, then get out.  Even if it's what I call "Andre" style.  Long story to type, but goes back to a guy named Andre that had left his wife and kids for the other woman, discovered it was a very bad decision, she made his life miserable.  He ended up just vanishing, just didn't show up for work one day.  His new wife was looking for him, his cell phone had been disconnected, his social media went dark.  Everything.  Came out later he just bugged out.  Left all his material things, just got in the car, and managed to get back with his old family. So my friend's circle calls it "Pulling an Andre" to just disappear without a trace.

You're miserable.  Likely by your own doing as much as your wife's at this point.  I know this has been said before, but nothing changes unless you take intentional action to change it.  It doesn't even have to be the best action, it can be something that you look back on and say "you know I could have handled that better" but that's okay.  Think of it as learning a new tennis swing or sommething.  It takes practice, and you don't get it right when you first start trying.  If you screw it up, don't hold it against yourself, just keep practicing until you get it right.

But dude, you gotta start doing more than posting on internet boards about it.  You gotta start taking action.

[formflier]

 

With no kids involved.  You are in MUCH LESS complicated situation than many of us that have kids.

Making moves to leave and/or actually leaving can do a couple things.

1.  You are out and then can build a new life.

2.  She will see that you are serious and perhaps, join you in making healthier changes.


Please don't make moves to leave counting on number 2.  I would also recommend that you not leave without offering some sort of a pathway that she can walk towards a healthier relationship.  Honor her choice either way.  If she ACTUALLY works on improving the r/s, then you should do so as well and try to put away your resentments.

If she flips out and threates (and other typical BPD things), honor that choice as well.  Go start your new life.

Again, central point is that you are in a much better position than many of us.

FF

[Cipher13]

All thank you for bearing with me and even replying to these rants. Everyone is right and by know I have all the tools and advice there is to give. I just need to put it into action.

[Grey Kitty]

All thank you for bearing with me and even replying to these rants. Everyone is right and by know I have all the tools and advice there is to give. I just need to put it into action.

This is honest and clear... .but doesn't sound like action.

Action doesn't have to be a big thing; it can be a small thing. Either way, it is time for it to be a thing, and you have heard lots of options. I'm going to challenge you:

Pick something. Anything. Doesn't matter how small or big; you know the sort of things that will help. Commit to doing it within the next week. Reply with what you are going to do and your deadline. Then come back and report what happened, even if you didn't do anything.