Update: The Plot Thickens

[Leonis]

Continuing from this thread,

I actually messaged one of Yin's coworkers two nights ago. The said coworker (we will call her Von) promptly told me that she's sorry to hear that the wedding is not happening (as in postponed) due to my mother being ill, and hope that did not dampen the relationship between me and Yin. Well, my mom does have breast cancer, but she's no where near terminal status yet. I am actually surprised that my ex is putting up the charade still.

FYI: Von only knows Yin from work since this past October.

I told Von the truth about Yin having broken off the engagement and I urged her to not tell Yin that we've talked. She agreed and was seemingly unsurprised. Von told me that Yin has told her about the fears of intimate relationships since she was a child, watching her parents' dysfunctional relationship (I know about this dysfunctional duo as well). Von told me that Yin actually does love me, but just can't overcome her fears; that she ran away because she's scared. So, the coworker asked me to do something nice for Yin to chisel away the metaphoric wall.

Well, I decided to drive over to Yin's work today and left some of her favorite treats in her car (I still have her car keys). I later texted her to see if she enjoyed them. To which she replied, "it was sweet of you".

I didn't say anything and went to work and I later received the text: "Good luck with work tonight." I responded, "Thanks! Please rest well."

I wasn't actually expecting this. Well, we shall see if police come rolling at my door in the near future.

[Leonis]

Last night, she texted me about the utility companies that we need to cancel. Since, I no longer had the rental document for the place we would have moved into, I told her the best I could according to my memory.

I'm debating whether or not I should pay her a short visit this coming week; preferably not this Wednesday because that's the original wedding date. Now, the question is, should I show up unannounced or text her to see if she's okay with me showing up?

[Leonis]

Hopefully, this will be the last time I post here.

On Monday (5/23), my ex-fiancee had me heading over to her place to figure out all the things we need to cancel since our wedding fell through.

I took the opportunity and let her know that I understood the differences between us, whether they be our backgrounds, lifestyle, hobbies, etc. and basically stated that I am sorry she felt she couldn't be happy in the relationship in addition to the perceived anger issue.

This, of course, led to further discussion about how she didn't want to be in the wrong relationship (funny, because she said she realized she can't do relationships only weeks before). She stated that she broke up with me the first time, never wanting to return, but did because of my persistence. Essentially, she was saying that she's been tolerating me since last summer. Let's just totally ignore the fact that she brought up the topic of marriage.  

She claimed that I didn't understand her language of love (wow... .) which were acts of service and words of affirmation. I inquired more about the acts of service part because that was the main thing she attributed to her feelings of "emptiness" in our relationship. What did I get? She thought I should have done nice things like opening doors for her, paying for her meals, etc. Hilariously, I've done that. In fact, fairly consistently except for a couple of times over the year and half where I didn't. Guess what? She focused on the 2-3 times she mentioned that I DIDN'T do these things to make her feel special. Never mind that I've never held her to some 100% gold standard in my mind.

"It's common sense!" she said. I just shook my head and tried my hardest to not laugh. I frankly told her that she should have told me what I could do specifically to make her feel loved like I've said since DAY ONE. Just ignore that... .it's much easier. On top of the nitpicking, she mentioned how during our trip to Zion's National Park, she saw me smile like never before at apparently, a waitress. Really? Talk about insecurities! I told her that I was happy because we were on a trip together and I loved being seem in public with someone I love. Fine, she didn't believe me.

Once again, she was anticipating intimacy as she was wearing the attire for the occasion under her normal clothes. I am not making this up!

At the end, she feels like what we do is unhealthy and think we should say goodbye. I told her that I will always be there for her and if she wishes to come travel with me in two weeks, let me know. I drove to work.

On the way, I'm just recounting how ridiculous she is and I simply can no longer put up with her nonsense. The absurdity of it all allowed me to move on without much regret. Sure, I'll feel lonely for a while, but I have my career to think about.

Thank you all who have read my story and tried to understand the whirlwind I had to go through.

[Fr4nz]

She claimed that I didn't understand her language of love (wow... .) which were acts of service and words of affirmation. I inquired more about the acts of service part because that was the main thing she attributed to her feelings of "emptiness" in our relationship. What did I get? She thought I should have done nice things like opening doors for her, paying for her meals, etc. Hilariously, I've done that. In fact, fairly consistently except for a couple of times over the year and half where I didn't. Guess what? She focused on the 2-3 times she mentioned that I DIDN'T do these things to make her feel special. Never mind that I've never held her to some 100% gold standard in my mind.

Hey Leonis,

towards the end of the r/s with my ex BPD/HPD I was subjected to something similar, with her complaining about how I was not giving anymore enough attentions, as well as making drama out of ridiculous things.

Do you know what is the ironic thing in all of this? That they do not realize they are the ones incredibly selfish and childish! What they DO for US? NOTHING, ZERO. Yet, they toy with our saviour complex, demanding that we are perfect and do everything.

These BPD relationships are so one sided and dysfunctional that, when I think about my past relationship, it makes me vomit.

[Leonis]

Do you know what is the ironic thing in all of this? That they do not realize they are the ones incredibly selfish and childish! What they DO for US? NOTHING, ZERO. Yet, they toy with our saviour complex, demanding that we are perfect and do everything.

Mine did a lot for me, but her dismissive attitude towards the good I've done was simply at a point beyond tolerable. I don't ask to be recognised for every little good I do; however, there's no need to make it seem like all the good meant nothing when I occasionally slip.

[Fr4nz]

Do you know what is the ironic thing in all of this? That they do not realize they are the ones incredibly selfish and childish! What they DO for US? NOTHING, ZERO. Yet, they toy with our saviour complex, demanding that we are perfect and do everything.

Mine did a lot for me, but her dismissive attitude towards the good I've done was simply at a point beyond tolerable. I don't ask to be recognised for every little good I do; however, there's no need to make it seem like all the good meant nothing when I occasionally slip.

Yes I agree to you, and to this end I need to clarify: my ex also did a lot of good things for me, especially during the first year; however, as you said, as the time goes by, the devaluation kicks in more and more: and that point, they start to "retreat", so they become very selfish, egoistic, hypercritical, etc.

At some point there's no more "good" coming from them, and they treat you like dirt, criticizing and accusing you for everything and, seemingly, throwing in the trash everything good you did for them in the past; minor incidents become huge motives for drama and fights.

Typical splitting black.

[Leonis]

Left on a supposedly good note.

[Fr4nz]

Left on a supposedly good note.

Probably she uses sex to still control you  

[Leonis]

Probably she uses sex to still control you 

Might as well enjoy it before she starts sleeping with different guys. The perks of being potential BPD's first, I guess.

[Leonis]

Just to update you guys.

I finally blocked all her siblings on FB. It looks like she may have blocked me as well.

The whole thing went down after they started harassing me about a post I made to a FB page about a relationship experience (with my ex) I had that I thought was comical. That opened the flood gate and they were saying all sorts of things.

Basically, the whole thing went down to I apparently forced my ex to date me again last July by harassing the family enough, etc.

The whole family is freaking dysfunctional. I can't believe I ignored the red flags for so long. What type of family has basically no friends? All seven kids have some sort of social and personal relationship issues.

It occurred to me that they probably all have the same/similar issues. I can't believe I wasted 18 months on her. But, maybe it is my lucky day because I am actually angry now. And I don't want anything or anyone that has anything to do with her to touch me again. I feel bad for her ex #3 because he did eventually get into trouble with her family. I guess that's where I am right now. Bunch of dysfunctional people who try to use their issues as a get out of jail free card.

/rant

[KatyK2016]

Oh My Leonis! Your story made me laugh and sigh! I get it.

So funny how they want to back up horribly hurtful statements with sexual advances! ALWAYS.

My ex always expected sex if I did take him back. If I had know then what I know now there is no freaking way. My ex was all over. Randoms, customers and probably co-workers. Who knows! He lied about everything and masked it under his ability to tell the truth about everything else. I am very assertive and up front. He is too and that made me feel like I could trust him when in fact he was just mirroring me! What a mind f***! The normal psyche is not meant to deal with this type of behavior.

In the end they will blame you for the break and also remind you that the rest of their life happened to fall apart while the break up was happening ... .and all that is your fault to! When my ex was yelling at me on our final phone call he starting yelling at me for his dad being sick. I felt so bad about the fact that he was sick that I held my tongue. I realized how incredibly stressful that must have been for him and just let him yell at me for it while I apologized for it all happening.

However I  specifically remember thinking in my head at the time... ."Sorry, I forgot all this is my fault would you minding holding on for just a second, while I create a storm in China real quick?" It was that ridiculous. I have the a lot of compassion for his father being sick and worry about what would happen if my ex had to be depended on for his family sake. My ex as he adores his father and highly depends on him. He is his security. It makes my heart sink  :'(

They will always hold on to the minor petty things and of course bring up all the things you never knew about because "you should have just known" when it happened because they were obviously pissed but never brought it up. It really was that madness for me. Sometimes me assuming he should know how I feel but most of the time him. After all only his moods mattered. Mine stress was never really allowed to be shared. It might be "too much and he can't help anyways".

Good job on walking away. I'm 3 months out and have had a horrible week missing him however reading stories like yours really helps me say "thank God I have no contact".  I learned early and cut contact. Changed my number. Blocked him on social and told him he can email me if he wants to talk.

I had my share of participating in angry behavior in the first 2 weeks of us fighting. He played on my insecurties and knew ignoring me was a trigger for my anger. What started our final fight in the first place... .that and him CHEATING! He played me once and I immediately went to therapy. After reading story after story in just BPII alone I knew this was a no win situation.

For a while I thought we could maybe be friends but I now know that is not really possible. Once you have been in a an intimate relationship and you have already been devalued and recycled. It gets worse. The cheating, the lying, the secretive behavior, the disappearing gets longer and the good times get shorter.  I counted today and I think I have been recycled 5 times that I could count in the past year up to now! He broke up with me every 3 months. 

Take Take Take ... .the grass is always greener on the other side until the bills pile up, the husband comes home or they get sick of their BS.

At this point I also see it as a waste of time. Did I really need to know everything about BPD and BP? Did I really need to fall in love with someone who is emotionally bankrupt? NO. 

I failed to do my homework but as a result I did learn a lot about myself and just want to make sure that I am as mentally healthy as possible. I want to be the furthest thing away from what I know he is. I have a whole new respect for the forum world. What doesn't help anyone is WebMd.

Good luck  

[Leonis]

I'm glad this brought some amusement to you Katy.

I hope I don't hear from her any time soon. The whole thing is unhealthy. Granted, we've only broken up once before (this is the second time) and it was me who pursued her back due to my lack of understanding to her behavior.

I'm only a week out of NC. Since the siblings fiasco, I've been feeling better about the way things turned out except when I go to sleep... .then thoughts start to replay.