exhausted ...how do I get my BP 19 year old to follow rules?

[Koreamom]

My adoptive daughter who has faced many challenges is 19 in first year of community college after attending a therapeutic high school. She is still living at home with me and is unable to follow through on hygeine, cleaning up her mess,curfew etc. She for the first time has a boyfriend... also with issues and is now refusing to come home etc. She is manic now and has spent all her money and has set up many plans that she will not be able to follow through on. I have been working with her and hosp, therapists etc for many years. I'm so tired. I love her but am resenting having to continue to go through this. When she returns home... .which I am sure she will ... .how do I enforce the rules of my home? Now that she has figured out that she can just up and leave. Her therapist has told me to becareful of the abandoment issues,,, any ideas... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Koreamom,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, I'm glad that you are with us and asking for feedback on how to improve the situation at home with your now 19 year old daughter.

My d is 19 as well though not living in my home.  She also attended an RTC a while back so I understand the frustrations you have regarding the lack of the use of the knowledge that she gained while at the TBS.

Since she is an adult it would be worth mentioning that she is exercising her options as an adult and therefore speaking with her as an adult would be advisable.

Have you read the Tools link about Boundaries and Limits in the right side bar?  Sitting down with your daughter and having a two way conversation about what the expectations are for an adult living in your home and being an adult with adult privileges may help get your d to see what her responsibilities are for staying in your home.

Are  you able to have two way, productive conversations with her typically?

lbj

[Koreamom]

Thanks for replying : ) My d has a number of comorbids so it depends on how she is doing at a particular time as to having a good conversation. She hasn't had many friends at all due to her social skills but she has met a group at the CC she is attending and since then she is feeling her oats. That's a good thing but as always a little of a good thing has grown to encompass her whole life. She has not been home since Friday and it is now Tuesday. She is safe, not on the streets and is now attempting to get an apartment. I have made sure that she has tons of services in place for when she was ready so she is being helped with this I believe. She sent a text to tell me she wants to pick up more things... .but not with me there. With my D it is all or nothing as with most of our kids. I am scared.

[lbjnltx]

Feeling her oats is right!  Our kids are 1000% in or 100% out, they overinvest... .too much too soon or not enough and out they go.

It isn't uncommon for any teen to fly the coop without a plan for success, most just come back home or ask for help.

Do you have a plan for what you will and will not do for your d while she lives outside your home and what you will do if she has to come back?

I know it's scary to think of her out in the world with no oversight... .keeping in close contact regularly may help if she is honest with you.

lbj