uBPD dad wants sons to be at court hearing for AVO breech

[AnAussieSister]

My sisters ubodx has asked/demanded that his sons 14 & 16 accompany him to his court hearing in the  next fortnight for his second breech of an Intervention Order within 6 months.  Both breeches were not violent, really just boundary testing, breaking, but given that this is the second one, there is a chance that the magistrate will be harder on him than last time, when he was slapped over the wrist with a limp lettuce leaf. 

My concern is that the boys feel obligated to go, especially S16, and my sister feels that she cant just veto it completely, although she will stop S14 going.  Am I over reacting, in thinking that this is a very bad idea for the boys to see their dad in this situation?  I also have a concern that he may be thinking that he will try to use their presence to prove his great parenting and care for his family, which is soo demonstrably not the case.

[Thunderstruck]

He just wants them to attend and watch? Not testify or anything, right?

I don't think you're overreacting at all. This is an adult situation, the kids really don't need to be placed in the middle.

BPDx might try to twist it to say that your sister doesn't trust them or think they're grown up enough or that she's abusing him and trying to hide it. blah blah blah. So the way she presents her objection to the kids attending should be worded carefully. The kids don't want to be excluded... .but really they should be.

Maybe your sister could phrase it that she would prefer to work things out between her and BPDx and the judge?

[ForeverDad]

Courts are generally careful not to put the children in the middle, in effect, to choose one parent over the other.  Although the impulse is to have the children tell the court rather than roundabout through evaluator reports, counselors or other professionals, there is real risk that with the spotlight shone on them the children may feel obligated to appease the parent pressuring or convincing them to 'defend' them.  So you can't even be sure they'll tell the truth, the whole truth.

I was in and out of court for about 8 years, from 2005 to 2013, son was age 3 to age 11.  It was only at the end that the court met my son in an "in camera" interview.  Evidently it was kept somewhat informal, neither parent was with the magistrate and son's lawyer (GAL — Guardian ad Litem).  The court generally relies on the evaluator's report, counselors or other professionals.  It's not Perry Mason time.

I believe that if the teens do come to court you can ask the court to have the children step out.

[FamilyLaw]

I'm not sure how things work in your country, but in the US most courts have rules that specifically state that children are not allowed in court unless they have been subpoenaed as witnesses.  At least in my county, a judge would seriously punish a parent who dragged a teen-ager to court to hear a disagreement between the parents.

[Thunderstruck]

I'm not sure how things work in your country, but in the US most courts have rules that specifically state that children are not allowed in court unless they have been subpoenaed as witnesses.  At least in my county, a judge would seriously punish a parent who dragged a teen-ager to court to hear a disagreement between the parents.

Mine too (US). Our judge specifically told BPDmom that SD(10 at the time) couldn't testify. You have to file a motion with the court for a child to testify and I don't think many judges would approve it. They know that kids are pressured to "choose one side" and that's not what they want to have happen.

I like ForeverDads suggestion... .if the kids end up coming to court then ask the judge to have them step out (or ask your L to ask the judge to have them step out). Then the judge is the "bad guy".

She could also schedule court for when the kids have school or some activity (or during her parenting time) to make it difficult for them to even be able to attend.

[AnAussieSister]

 This is slightly different to the US, the court hearing doesnt require my sister to attend and testify, and in fact after she signed her statements at the police station, months ago, she has had no other official communication about it.  The whole system seems a bit chaotic to me.  In fact my sister has not even been informed of the dates of both court hearings.

So I believe, but am not sure, as we are dealing with a person who's very entitled and almost permanently dysregulated, that uBPD dad just wants to have "his" boys there as support.  Im fairly sure he wont be able to call on them to appear before court, but could make reference to them being there when defending himself.  He will not pay for legal help. He may make a sob story of how he just had to breech the AVO so he could see his family, sob sob.  This from a man who has for 12 months now refused to get himself accomodation suitable to have his children come for overnights, and will not agree to any parenting plan proposed, just demands to see them when the whim overtakes him.

The elder son is very distressed by the whole messiness of this split, and is blaming his mother for it.  He is likely to be even more resentful of the situation if he goes to court and sees his father given a ciminal conviction, which should happen.  A jail sentence is unlikely but possibly a large fine could be imposed.

My feeling is that my sister just needs to be hard line on this and tell S16 and S14 that she wont allow time off school and they cant go and it is unnecessary for their father to put them through this.

[ForeverDad]

Also, she can deflect blame for any court action by saying the court would only give 'consequences' if they were merited.  Should a person blame the one doing wrong or the one reporting the wrong?  However, the kids evidently are emotionally vested already and logic may take a while to sink in even a little.