Those who stay married so as to not hurt the other's feelings.

[Cat Familiar]

I have been looking at some feelings I have been having and I wanted to ask if there are others out here who feel they may just stay married because it's easier, gentler, kinder, to just stay married - and really are too nice of a person to hurt their partner's feelings?

Here's a question to possibly answer your original question, Samwize. What if by being too nice and staying in this relationship, you are depriving her of the possibility of having a relationship that is even more fulfilling and compatible? (I put this question in terms of your wife's experience because it seems like you're putting a higher priority on her feelings rather than your own.)

I did end a longterm marriage and I had to consider the very question you're pondering. It was easier because we didn't have children (I had seen enough of his behavior that I knew I didn't want to have any with him--and I'm very glad I made that choice.)

But even deeper than the idea of hurting his feelings, I had to come to grips with the idea that I was capable of being someone who would hurt someone else's feelings and living with the thought that others would perceive me in this way. Finally, after some boundary busting bad behavior (BBBB) on his part, I got to the DGAF state and the moment I did, I felt freer than I had felt in years.

It wasn't easy to disentangle myself but I'm so glad I did and I hadn't realized how desperately unhappy I was in that marriage--I had just been so busy coping with his insanity.

So ask yourself if you're willing to be the "bad guy" in the relationship and if you are, you have a path toward freedom.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Wow. That turns it around for me.  I honestly can't imagine her happy in any relationship for long.  I think that triggers a sense of pity in me, too.  She's very limited contact with her parents and siblings.  She states she "has no relationship" with her dad.  There aren't really prospects for any long-term friends she stay in touch with.  All very sad.  And I know it's all not my fault, and not my responsibility.  But, something still feels sad about that. 

That said, I notice that as I get better all around, her behavior does too.  I don't know if it's cause and effect, or if it was my fault, or what.  ... .more Nice guy syndrome.

I sometimes I think I am waiting for the BBBB as you describe.  I wish she would act out badly and make a clear line. I remember wishing she would hit me, break something, hurt herself, something I can point to and convince me that it's got to end now.