Ive just been painted black

[Oncebitten]

I've just been painted black, she even blocked my number told me how horrible I was.  We had a fight the other day and I thought we were past it.  Not really though, funny this is she used the words I put you up on a pedistall and now I realize you are falelble.  Turned a small thing today into a huge fight. And now its over... .I don't know if I can fix it this time or if I should even try... .

Once painted black can you come back from that?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Siamese Rescue]

I've been there hundreds of times. He usually comes back. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but while they are gone it's very cold and lonely for us and very shocking. I think many of us have a "we were just having dinner last night and now he's not even speaking to me, and he's turned into someone I don't know... .all within an hour"

If you stay away for a week they usually start trying to indirectly contact you. At least that's my example. I shouldn't speak so broadly in light of how different this affects everyone.

[Oncebitten]

I appreciate the thoughts and the support... .she has gone nc with me before but this is the first time she has ever blocked my number. IDK I love her and wish we could talk, the fight the other day was because I said something insensitive, I said it but I didn't mean anything by it.  Then today, it was a eruption over how I handled a situation.  I see her point but I don't think that it was worth breaking up over... .I guess that's what happened, she hung up and then blocked me.

[Oncebitten]

Is there any way back from being painted black?  Is this something I have to wait out?  Or am I out for good?

[livednlearned]

People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, and when they are in relationships with someone who has weak boundaries (people like us), it's easy for any and all boundaries to go up in smoke. This leads to fights, because both sides feel they have to regain the weak boundaries they had by overcompensating.

Splitting you black is a sign that she needs to recalibrate, the boundary violation felt way too much. Maybe too many, too long, or one big violation, it's hard to know. 

Whether she comes back depends on a lot of things, we can't generalize.

They key is to signal that you have boundaries -- they are about protecting yourself (and her), not controlling her. A boundary might be: "When I start to feel angry, I'm going to give myself a time out. I'll come back -- probably I'm on tilt in that moment and need to cool my jets. I don't want to fight and make you feel bad so this is what I'm going to do to protect us."

If you have a lot of conflict in the relationship, the book High Conflict Couple is great.

[Oncebitten]

LNL

so there is nothing I can really do, hope that she calms down and wants to speak to me again... .attempting to make first contact would most likely be a bad idea?

I think it was a couple of small to medium violations of what she see as appropriate in a short period of time... .insensitive yes relationship ending no, but thats me... .I know pwBPD tend to feel things deeper than us non's do... .

[livednlearned]

Attempt at contact that repeats past desperations, probably not a good idea. 

She has no boundaries, you have weak boundaries.

She needs someone who can gently, lovingly, firmly provide them. Often, that's what she was idealizing at the start of the relationship. Someone with a strong perimeter who seemed to be stable, centered, solid. Then, over time, your boundaries were breached, you breached hers, the two of you ended up in a sinkhole and that left her with 360 degree view of instability all around. She went seeking something that felt (whether right or wrong) stabilizing.

In practice, that means if you do reach out, be cool and breezy. No relationship baggage. Start as though it's fresh and let her discover for herself the guy she was attracted to, not the guy who ended up broken down by the relationship.

Make sense?

[Oncebitten]

Lnl... .makes perfect sense... .I think my best course of action is to back away for a while, let the hurt subsidie... .let the anger fall away and hope she remembers all the good

[livednlearned]

Take the time to read about validation. It's probably the easiest skill to apply that helps prevent emotions from escalating. It won't cure BPD, and if she is ever in a full-blown dysregulation, your own feelings will be rocketing, which makes it harder to apply validation. Even so, it can sure cut down on the number of arguments over what often seems like "nothing."

Validation: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913190#msg913190

[Oncebitten]

LNL

Thanks for the link, I have read on validation before and I understand the concept.  The hard part is to remember all of that when you are in the middle of a fight, and she begins to attack you personally.  Say things intentionally to hurt, the things that cut the deepest.

Is it just me, or do pwBPD seem to perceive things as acts of betrayal?  Something that non's might be bothered by but not as an absolute betrayal of trust.  Our last fight was about something very minor, she felt that I betrayed her and us and has blasted me on fb for the last two days for it. A friend made a comment on a picture I had up of us, I wasn't quite sure what she meant by the comment so I pm'ed her.  My gf felt I should have asked publicly, called her out.  The fact that I didn't was a sign that I wasn't prepared to defend our relationship, and thus the feeling of betrayal.

[livednlearned]

The hard part is to remember all of that when you are in the middle of a fight, and she begins to attack you personally.

Sometimes it can help to set up a boundary before these things happen. "Sometimes when we fight, my emotions flood and I act out to protect myself. If that happens, let's agree that I will give myself a time out. I may go for a walk or get in the car. When I've cooled down, I'll come back and we can try to understand better what happened."

This is an example of setting a boundary firmly and gently, and at a time when neither of you feel dysregulated. Remember that her emotions are very volatile (like you need reminding  ) and it will take her longer to return to baseline after a dysregulation. She may not be as soothed as you are after a time out, though at least you got yourself out of the situation so it didn't get worse.

Say things intentionally to hurt, the things that cut the deepest.

If you notice what pwBPD say, they run through a list of things, almost as though looking for something that will land square in the bulls-eye. She hurts, so she attempts to hurt you. What hurts you most? That's what she is trying to find, whether she believes it or not. She is trying to find something that sticks. You don't react to the things that aren't upsetting, and you trigger on the things that do. Does that make sense? She's in a relationship with you for a reason, probably to be close to you. Unfortunately, her skills are terrible. Your job is to learn skills that will help bring both of you up.

Is it just me, or do pwBPD seem to perceive things as acts of betrayal?  Something that non's might be bothered by but not as an absolute betrayal of trust.

 

She has probably never felt trust in the way you have. It's a core feature of the disorder to feel as though she cannot trust anyone. Imagine that the definition of who you are is entirely dependent on what others do -- they will always disappoint you and betray you. Her sense of betrayal is not quite as personal as it may seem. Though I know it is extremely hard in those moments to not be hurt -- often, there is a grain of truth (or entire boulder) and we ourselves have not resolved that hurt. It gets triggered and our emotions are loaded and all the skills we understand intellectually scatter to the wind. This is not easy work.

Our last fight was about something very minor, she felt that I betrayed her and us and has blasted me on fb for the last two days for it. A friend made a comment on a picture I had up of us, I wasn't quite sure what she meant by the comment so I pm'ed her.  My gf felt I should have asked publicly, called her out.  The fact that I didn't was a sign that I wasn't prepared to defend our relationship, and thus the feeling of betrayal.

Try to locate something in what she is saying that you can identify with. Maybe as a kid who saw other kids whispering and knew they were talking about the holes in your clothing. I dunno, something that made you feel one-down or humiliated or paranoid or left out.

Start with a (genuine) validating comment. "I can see how you would feel upset."

Validation doesn't cure everything, it helps to prevent things from getting worse. She knows her feelings are big and fast, and she may even struggle with paranoia, which is awful for the person experiencing it. Help her locate what is real in her feelings and when done with skill, you can help her land gently.

[Oncebitten]

LNL,

Wonderful advice,  I truly appreciate it.  I wish I could try it out.  But alas I am still stuck in no contact land.  She wont take my calls or answer my texts and flat out told me in our last conversation to not come see her.

The ripping on fb has continued, which in my mind tells me she is still very hurt and isn't moving on from me yet. 

Still hoping she will cool off and contact me.  I know right now trying to talk to her will just push her further away

[livednlearned]

If she's still mad, you're probably right that she is in no mood to respond favorably.

You may decide to think of something to say, and accept that she's not ready.

If your last words were harsh and hateful, it could help to send something casual, like, "Hey, I really blew it. Been thinking and realized I could've handled things better. I wish you well, sincerely."

Or something like that.

And then have no expectations. It might set her off all over again. In a month, she may read the message again and experience a tender cycle, hard to say.

She is her own person, has her own manifestation of BPD traits. You are your own person, struggling to understand your own role in this dynamic. Both of you have room to develop relationship skills, her perhaps even more so.

So no guarantees.

Whatever happens, the more you focus on the skills that could help you in a BPD relationship, the more they will help you in all relationships. It's a win-win whether you win or lose  

[Oncebitten]

Lnl,

Thank you again so much.  Yes I know that no matter what I say it doesn't matter until she is ready to hear it.

My last words weren't harsh but I didn't validate her feelings and I know that.  That may have been worse than something harsh.  I will just wait a while longer, its only been a few days.

And yes I agree the techniques for dealing with a BPD relationship would probably take almost all conflict out of a normal one.

[Oncebitten]

The plot thickens, she has text me and said I was forgiven, I text her back and asked if I could call, she said no.  Then she sent me a fb message told me it had been tough to forgive me and asked me to keep my distance.

I was polite but haven't offered much more.  I am still upset with her.  I don't know if this is her reaching out, wanting me to chase her or her way of moving on.

[tryingsome]

In my opinion she is slowly reaching to the point of being receptive.

It takes a bit and her dysregulation is slowly subsiding.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Don't envelope too much, don't back away so far.

You are doing well and she is slowly returning to baseline with you.

Just realize that the relationship is going to be how it looked the last few months.

It is going to be tumultuous, and hopefully you have been reading the lessons.

She'll likely come around again, just make sure you are in a sound mind to proceed if that is what you are wanting.

[Oncebitten]

Thats kind of what I thought, she keeps slowly taking down the barriers that she put up.  I have been polite in each exchange and simply done as she asked... .she said she didn't want to talk so I left it at that... .she asked me to keep some distance and I have... .  I think she is still to mad to have a good conversation with me right now... .I guess Im hoping she will reach out to me when she wants to talk.  Im really not sure... we have broken up before... .but its never been this bad... .and in the past I have always tracked her down.  Honestly though if she isn't ready to talk I do need to stay away... .im not angry any more but still pretty hurt... .I fear one small jab might set me off right now.

[Oncebitten]

Ugh she text me last night wish I'd never have answered.  She needed to talk to someone about a family issue and reached out to me bc I know the situation.  I helped her with her problem and we caught up.  Everything was fine until she brought us up.  Then it turned into some bazaar mess.  In the end she told me that I never really loved her, that I had abandoned her. 

Idk if there is any way to get around the abandonment issue or not... .thats her biggest fear. How do you prove love... .how do you reassure that you aren't going anywhere?

[livednlearned]

It's probably more important that you validate her than it is to try and reassure what is essentially a feeling.

There is a small and significant difference between validation and reassurance.

Validation is accepting and acknowledging how she feels.

Reassurance can often include justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining (JADE).

When we bear witness to someone's pain (validation), we close the gap between us and make someone feel less alone, more stable.

When we reassure, we sometimes send the message that their feelings (which can make up the entirety of who they feel they are) are wrong. Therefore they are wrong. This can turn into a terrible cycle of feeling unworthy and unloved, a secondary type of abandonment.

Does that make sense?

Here is more on validation.

[Amber2016]

I discovered I had been painted many times, and yes we did come back from some pretty drastic fights, and after he had told his friends and family some pretty awful lies about me. Eventually he had dug himself a hole so deep that people weren't prepared to let it go that he was with this 'horrific person who controlled and abused him, made his life a misery and stopped him being able to do his work and achieve anything.' People started being really awful to me. He really had portrayed me as a totally different character in his layers of lies. I we still loved each other and it became apparent that it was impossible to have a relationship because of things he had told others about me, and he had to rectify it somehow, so he volunteered that he would tell them that (in his own words) "he had never felt this way about anyone, and he didn't know how to cope with that and he was struggling with his own issues and may have exaggerated or said things that weren't true". Whether he did that or not I don't know. He had also blocked me several times in the past for little reason-although I later found out it was when he was planning to be up to no good. She may be blocking out of guilt, punishment, or just because she really is trying to heal herself and that's hard with someone around. You can only do what you feel is right for you and her, and be mindful of the problems you did have. But to sum up, yes, you can come back but should probably think carefully about how you might protect your own reputation. Good luck.