Funeral Fiasco

[Legacymaker]

It's been a long time since I have needed to post (vent) on this board.  I have kept my uBPD mother at arms length for the past 2 years, with very limited communication. My brother was the 3 years prior to that.  After a family mediaton, my brother and I have begun speaking, in the last 2 years and now have a better understanding of the many ways our mother pits us against each other.  They will both always be narcissistic.  I use to be the golden child, since I stood up to her 2 years ago I am now the scapegoat and my brother has become the golden child.  I have been in a good place for the past couple of years.  That was until my father's funeral last week.

This past March, my mother gave my husband and I tickets to a concert. At the time, I was having only very limited contact and talking to her only via fb.   She "surprised" us by showing up at the concert.  End of the no contact period.  I am too polite (and still function out of obligation) to have walked out on her.  Thankfully, the music was loud and I couldn't speak for the duration of the concert. (Even though she tried throughout).   After the concert my mother finally apologized for her behavior (last argument) which had brought us to this no contact point. It had been brutal, and has left me very badly damaged and with little self esteem.  I said I forgave her, mostly this was because I didn't want to discuss it and I knew she would be going home following the concert. She lives 8 hours away from me.  I was hoping to maintain limited contact, but she has since been carrying on as if everything was back to "normal".  This means that she is now back to contacting me every day, posting how adoring she is of me on my fb wall, while privately commenting about me and my family.  She gossips about every single person in her life and creates a path of chaos behind her.  She passes extreme judgement upon most people.  I am now wise to the fact.

I have defined my "self" a little better in the past 2 years and now offer no feedback or engagement when she gossips.  I have also learned to keep conversations platonic and not provide details about anyone or myself, which are sure to later be used against them/me.  There is no subject which is safe.

So my rant is this.  My biological father passed away 2 weeks ago. He was schizophrenic. He also suffered from dementia and Parkinson's. As his health declined, I moved him to a nursing home near my home, so that I could be there for him.  He was there for the past 10 years.  These years of looking out for him, have allowed me to get to know him, to love him. We developed a beautiful bond.  As he disappeared from the dementia, I was also just getting to know him. He never had a "family".  He was orphaned as a young boy, then put into the foster care system.  He left my mother after a couple years of marriage, had a couple of nervous breakdowns.  My brother and I did not grow up with him.  He worked as a contract laborer, moving from job to job all across the country.  I was there as he took his last breath.  It was not easy for me to let him go, but after his funeral and the family fiasco, I feel so numb, I don't feel as if I am mourning him properly.

My brother, who hasn't wanted anything to do with him, hasn't seen him in 3 years. The last time he visited, it was to show off his Captain's uniform. (He is a pilot).  Once he knew he was dying (we only had a few days notice), he said he wanted to be there. He missed him by hours.  He is now going through a lot of guilt.  Schizophrenia is an alienating illness.  Like many, it freaked my brother out.

As I planned my father's funeral, I didn't expect many people to come.  He had been a long term resident in a nursing home.  What was amazing though, were the people who had come to know "him".  In the last few months, he told me this was the first time that he has felt so loved.  Like he finally had a community.  It was a huge compliment coming from a man who found it impossible to bond due to his illness and abandonment.

My mother (who has been divorced from him for 47 years), wanted to come to the funeral. In fairness, she remained my father's friend throughout his life.   She has had minimal contact since I took over his care and hasn't spoken or seen him for the past 8 years.  She was leaving on vacation the day after the services.  I told her that it was ok if she didn't come. Truthfully, I didn't want her here, because I knew that it would turn into an "all about her event".   She kept saying it was to support my brother and I.  I knew it would turn into an exhausting fiasco, and it did.  I also had 2 of my fathers, brothers come (whom I had never met).  In addition, there were two new females to be introduced to "the family".  It was their first time seeing everyone interact together and they both tend to have anxiety anyway, so I felt a little protective of them.  I was dreading the 36 hours that I had to spend with my mother and brother.

I just wanted to mourn.  Instead, there were funeral arrangements to be made, financial obligations to tend to and now 6 additional people to care for (entertain). There was a ton of responsibility on my shoulders to keep everyone from imploding.  I learned a long time ago to have lots of activity and keep everyone moving, so around all the other preparations that I was making, I also planned a dinner and lunch for the time that they would be here.  Thankfully, they all said they would stay in hotels.

The day of the funeral, I asked everyone if they would like to speak. Because of my mother's narcissistic tendencies, I asked her at least 5 times. I wanted to give the final tribute. The answer was no every time I asked my mother.  I had written a beautiful tribute, meant to speak to the man that I had come to know, not his illness or his faults.  There was an audience of people who had grown to love him, in spite of his mental health challenges. I was proud of this man, proud of the many things he had overcome. I was proud of the lessons he taught me about forgiveness.   I finished my presentation and sat down, proud that I had presented all the beauty of my father.  Then my mother stood up and said she wanted to say a few words.  She talked about their baby that had died at birth, never mentioning my father.  She looked like an ass and my gentle words were lost. ARGH!

Earlier in the service, I had caught my mother playing with my father's corpse.  She was using a snap dragon to "kiss" him with.  She literally was playing with his dead body and showing off to my brothers new fiance!  I closed the casket.

My husband and I had created a beautiful service.  We were surprised and pleased with the number of people who came to pay their respects. Schizophrenia is generally a very isolating illness because of the "odd" behaviors which are often present.  I made sure to introduce my brother to these people who had cared for my father for the past 10 years.  Most of them were volunteers and caregivers.  My mother would always be hovering nearby.  As I introduced my brother, she would stick her hand between us and say "I'm Jim's ex wife"! Can you say, very awkward? 

Then, during the military tribute, my mother sat next to the coffin and wailed as if she was his wife!  The showing off and drama was making me physically ill. I still had another 12 hours to get through.

After the service (at which I was a wreck), I had made arrangements for the family to go to lunch.  This was the time for my brother and I to talk to our 2 uncles, whom we had never met. They had brought pictures of our grandparents, great grandparents ect, to share with us.  My mother made sure to position herself so that my brother could not be seated next to them.  She spent the next 2 hours telling these men horror stories about my father, their marriage (while her husband of 25 years was seated next to her) and their own mother (who was also schizophrenic). My mother even produced a young picture of herself and wanted them to notice how much she and I looked alike? HUH? The brothers finally decided they had heard enough and left.  I don't know what kind of relationship I will be able to salvage with them now that they think my family is totally bonkers.

The "plan" following lunch, had been to go to a nearby village and have an ice cream, in my father's name.  It was his favorite place and thing to do. We also wanted to feed the fish that inhabit a river there.  Fishing was a favorite memory shared with his adult grandson's.  The day WAS after all meant to honor THIS man! My brother is very manipulative.  He suddenly decided he needed to go back to his hotel to change-even after he had been told numerous times to bring a change of casual clothes, so we could move on from our formal lunch location.  He was sharing a car with his fiance, my mom and her husband, which was half of our group.  Going back to the hotel would have added an extra hour and a half to the schedule.  The town would have closed by the time he got there, so "they" decided this isn't what "they" wanted to do.  By this time, I was exhausted and should have said I was done.  Or better yet, had I learned the lessons from this group, I should have stuck to my plan and taken our sons and gone and done what I said I was going to do. Instead, I invited them all back to our home for dinner.  Yes, I can see I was functioning out of obligation.  Yes, I can see that I am still having boundary issues.

They all arrived at our home.  They sat around being entertained, as my husband and I made dinner for them. My mom and brother acted like it was some kind of party. Not one of "our guests" offered to help.  My son's were very tuned into the dysfunction, as were the two new female additions to the family.  My husband and I had decided before the "visitors" came that we would try to set better boundaries with both my mother and brother.  We encouraged our adult son's to do the same.  One son was completely ignored and spoken over whenever he did try to speak.  The evening was spent hearing about my mother and brothers lives. By the end of the night, all three of our son's had been made to feel inferior and/or like they weren't doing "enough" with their lives.  *They are all under 30, well adjusted and experiencing great success... .its just never "good enough".   I was told by my mom's husband that she would have liked an "invitation" to the funeral from me.  I nearly lost it!

So that is my rant.  My father's funeral is over. I miss him greatly. It is making me sad that the attention was taken away from him. I feel like I have been through another battle with my mother.  I am numb.  I feel like I still have a lot to learn about functioning from FOG!  I wish that I could release myself from the enmeshment.

If you have read this far, I am not sure what I am seeking... .validation, better coping mechanisms and/or a way to cope with the numbness that I always seem to feel.  Once again I am lost in this sea of dysfunction.

[Naughty Nibbler]

LEGACYMAKER:

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father!  I'm betting he was very thankful to have you close by, during the last 10 years.  It is stressful to plan a funeral under the best of circumstances, but you had your hands full. 

Have you thought about starting some therapy?  Losing a parent can really bring a lot of emotions to the surface.  Going through a grieving process is tough enough, but dealing with your mother and brother brings a lot of extra stress to the situation.

Perhaps your immediate family (and whomever else you want to include), could get together sometime around Father's Day and make the trip to the ice cream shop and the fishing pond.  Perhaps plan a picnic lunch at the fishing pond and then top it off with ice cream? 

Could you reconnect with your dad's side of the family for a memorial celebration at some point?(without your mom).  Perhaps it is something to do at the one-year mark? (unless some other timing is better).  Maybe you might feel better, if you wrote each of your father's brothers a personal note.  If you feel you want to apologize for your mom, you could.  I'm thinking that they may be more understanding of mental illness than some folks. 

I was there as he took his last breath.  It was not easy for me to let him go, but after his funeral and the family fiasco, I feel so numb, I don't feel as if I am mourning him properly.

What do you feel is needed to "mourn him properly"?

People morn in different ways.  It doesn't make one way more right than the other.  I'm not a grave visitor, so I'm not apt to visit a grave after the funeral and place flowers on it.  My uBPD sister is someone who visits graves (and I'm sure she is critical of anyone not visiting the grave).  To me, I'd rather go to the ice cream parlor or the lake and reflect upon fond memories. 

There is something to be said for celebrating and honoring a person while they are alive.  Sounds like you did that, during the last 10 years.  You did your best to know and help your dad, during those last 10 years.  I'm thinking that is as good as it gets as a daughter. I'm thinking he appreciated you a lot! You spent valuable time with him, while he was alive (much better than mourning in any particular way).  Funerals are more for the living, who are mourning their loved one - not for the deceased. 

I was proud of this man, proud of the many things he had overcome. I was proud of the lessons he taught me about forgiveness.   I finished my presentation and sat down, proud that I had presented all the beauty of my father.  Then my mother stood up and said she wanted to say a few words.  She talked about their baby that had died at birth, never mentioning my father.  She looked like an ass and my gentle words were lost. ARGH!

So that is my rant.  My father's funeral is over. I miss him greatly. It is making me sad that the attention was taken away from him.

I have to believe that everyone there that mattered, appreciated your presentation and a lovely funeral.  Unfortunately, it isn't unusual for odd behavior to occur at funerals.  The pastor that conducted my dad's graveside service, asked for a draft of what anyone speaking was going to say.  Although, he did mention that he could take over with the speech, should someone get too emotionsl, I had to think that part of it was to learn about what was to be said. The pastor did mention that he has been blindsided by some people making embarassing, disrespectful speaches.

If you need a laugh or two, Google "awful funeral music".  You will be amazed at what some unhappy people will play at a funeral.   I had some tears in my eyes while I searched for appropriate music for my dad's service.  Have to admit that the idea of someone playing, ":)ing Dong The Witch is Dead" made me laugh.  Some may not appreciate that humor, but I did at the time. 

I lost both of my parents recently, within 6 months of each other.  I can't know exactly what you are going through, as my uBPD is my sister.  I have learned, however, about the hell a BPD person can put you through, and I have learned it isn't easy.

I am a co-trustee with my sister for my parent's trust and we had to work together from the time my parent's health started to fail.  So, health care POA's, financial POA's and then funerals and then the trust.   What a time to be "painted black" and to learn about and deal with a raging BPD.  I guess I should be thankful that I wasn't that close to my sister before the chain of events and hadn't had to work closely with her on any important matters. 

I think you are being too hard on yourself.  You did the best that you could.  Some things are just out of our control.  You can't change the past, but you can create the future.  Maybe you might want to honor your dad in some way in the future.  Perhaps volunteering, donating to or supporting a mental health causes in some way is something you might be interested in.

Take care.  Good thoughts and prayers your way.

[Legacymaker]

Thank you for your kind words Naughty Nibbler.  It is so helpful to connect with others who "get it"! I suppose that I am angry that I had to share my father, with people who didn't respect him in life and behaved even more disrespectfully during his death.

The more time I spend around my mother, the less forgiving I become.  For the past 33 years, my husband and I have built a beautiful life, away from most of my family.  Our 3 sons are amazing.  As adults, they are now able to articulate the discomfort that they experience when we must all be together.  Thankfully, my husbands parents have modeled what a good and healthy relationship looks and feels like.  I am lucky to have known such amazing in-laws.

During my mothers last rage, one of the many things she told me was that "my son's only loved me because their father was alive".  My insecurity is so high, that I readily believe her words.  I am always worried that I have done the same thing to my sons as she did to me (although conciously I know that I have spent a lifetime trying to be the exact opposite). My son's are pretty well adjusted, typical 20 somethings.  They are generally very loving and supportive, but can still forget to call home as often as their mama would like to hear from them   it makes me insecure.  I have a lot of trouble trusting the image I see in my own mirror.

I did go to counseling for a while, but not to specifically address these insecurity issues and feelings of shame and abandonment. I was always the grown up in our home. I was born old.  My brother was a voracious rager and took most of the attention from our mother and step father.  I use to think he was the scapegoat and I was very protective of him in our youth.  Because I stayed quiet, I was put in the corner and forgotten about most of the time.  My mother was very dependent and unhappy during my childhood.  I became her mother.  At some point, her current husband tried to empower her. He enables a lot of bad behavior.  She became mean, not strong.  (Waif to Narcissist).

Five years ago, my brother and I had an argument, which left us not communicating for 3 years after another one of his rages.  He eventually wanted a family mediation. We were all required to seek individual counseling before the mediation.  My counselor worked on giving me courage to stand up to him. It helped a little.  For the first time in my life, it also brought an awareness that my mother is an extreme manipulator. I realized she has been pitting us against each other throughout our lives.  The minute I began standing up for myself, I was painted black.  I am made to feel very inferior to both of them. My brother and I are working on things.  I think we both see traits of BPD within ourselves and recognize that they are learned behaviors, so we are trying to unlearn them.  Mom refuses to admit that she has anything wrong with herself. There is a long line of similar behaviors through her family tree.

I think when I say than I am numb, I feel like my brother and mother suck all the oxygen out of a room, due to their narcissistic tendencies.  They leave me feeling empty, regardless of the celebration. or event that they are at.  During my husband's, fathers death, they were visiting me too.  My husband was overseas with his father, while I stayed with our businesses and children.  I was able to make my mother and brother go home before the death actually happened. My son's and I were better able to handle our grief, without needing to "entertain" them, at the same time we were losing someone we all dearly loved.   It is like a constant stage show when they are here.  I end up feeling like a puppet, and they pull the strings.  Surprisingly, this was one of the most empowering moments I have had in my life. 

Arm's length is the best place I can keep them.  I just wasn't able to maintain that through my father's death.  At least I know that it will be some time before I will see them again.

Let my healing begin (again)!

[Naughty Nibbler]

I did go to counseling for a while, but not to specifically address these insecurity issues and feelings of shame and abandonment.

  Might be a good time to explore those additional issues in counseling.

I'm on a bit of a learning curve, myself.  I've been bookmarking several lessons from this website.  The list keeps growing, .  I'll share some that you might find helpful right now. I can see that you have posted before and may have read some of the lessons previously.  I find that I need to revisit things from time to time (reinforcement).

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90041.0

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG).  I think you will relate to the situation:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries - you might find it helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link is to:  SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

The more time I spend around my mother, the less forgiving I become.  For the past 33 years, my husband and I have built a beautiful life, away from most of my family.  Our 3 sons are amazing.  As adults, they are now able to articulate the discomfort that they experience when we must all be together.  Thankfully, my husbands parents have modeled what a good and healthy relationship looks and feels like.  I am lucky to have known such amazing in-laws.

Unfortunately, we can't change anyone.  That is a hard lesson I'm still making peace with.  What we can change is how we respond to others and establish our boundaries.  We have the power to change how we react and whether/how much we let things bother us.

I'm hearing that you have things to be thankful for: amazing sons, great husband and amazing in-laws.  Sometime, I have found it helpful for me to go through an exercise of writing down the things I'm thankful for.  Something to try.  Sometimes when I feel sorry for myself, by looking at the good that I have, I realize that I have a lot more to be thankful for than many other people.

I suppose that I am angry that I had to share my father, with people who didn't respect him in life and behaved even more disrespectfully during his death.

Anger is a natural part of the grieving process.  If you reverse your thinking, I believe you were grateful for many of the people your dad was surrounded by, during the last few years.  That is something to celebrate. 

A lot of people don't have a good experience in nursing homes.  I'd have to say, that we didn't have a pleasant situation with my mom and Skilled Nursing Homes, during the last 6 months of her life. (was in her own home prior to that).

My brother and I are working on things.  I think we both see traits of BPD within ourselves and recognize that they are learned behaviors, so we are trying to unlearn them.  Mom refuses to admit that she has anything wrong with herself. There is a long line of similar behaviors through her family tree.

Although environment is part of the story, genetics play into the hand we are dealt.  Your brother may have some wiring that leads him to have anger management issues and the BPD traits you think that both you and your brother see can be a combo of both origins. 

It is a rare person that doesn't have something to work on for self improvement.  If your brother accepts that he has some issues, and is willing to work on them, then that is encouraging.  Someone who doesn't recognize there is a problem, or refuses to work on the problem, leaves fewer choices.

Thank goodness that you won't see your mom face-to-face for awhile.  In the meantime, perhaps sharpening your tools will give you your confidence back.

Hang in there.  I'm cheering you on.