Divorce, GAL and evaluations

[mindfull]

Here's a long novel! Earlier this year I filed for divorce from my wife of nine years. In this I also am requesting custody of our two kids (7 & 8). My wife has been unemployed for the past six years and has been 'kinda/sorta' looking for work. During her unemployment she's been unable to keep a job more than two weeks and was usually getting into arguments with managers or other staff as soon as day 1. However, she was never a stay at home Mom because we/I paid for day care prior to the kids being in school... .this would enable her to find work... .which never happened.

We've seen several couples therapists in the past where the therapists have mentioned that my wife has the traits of several PD with BPD and NPD being the main ones. She's never been officially diagnosed, however. Therapy never lasted long as my wife would quit after a few months because of various reasons. In fact, one therapist told me that she had to go see HER therapist after my wife was 'triggered' in one session.

Anyway, we started the divorce process and it wasn't going too well. My wife was making claims that I lied in the court papers and made false allegations of her causing chaos in the home. My attorney was concerned about any mediation working out and we pushed to get a GAL involved. And so one was brought in.

The GAL meetings went fairly well. He was pleasant and at one point asked me if I believed my wife was crazy. My wife is always telling people that I think she's crazy so I know exactly where this came from. I replied 'no' and he asked if I thought she had mental issues. I relayed what several therapists had said. Then he mentioned that he would be interested in seeing an eval report. He said this again when we met for the in home meet with the kids.

My attorney met with the GAL solo and relayed to me that things were very positive. GAL mentioned to my attorney that my wife even mentioning I was a great father to our children. We didn't push for any evals and then both the attorneys met with the GAL... .GAL is suggesting we get equal parenting and that our kids live with my wife as she moves to her parent's house about 23 miles away. The reasoning being that the school district is better in that area and her parents will act as live in babysitters. If the kids stay with me, they will have to go to occasional after school care on the days that I don't work from home. I was shocked over that reasoning.

So now I have to decide what to do. Either accept the GAL's recommendation or to pursue the evaluations. I keep thinking back to what the GAL said "I'd really like to see an evaluation" I almost wonder if I'm having my hand forced... .I know... .I'm reading too much into it.

So, my question here is for people that have pushed to get evaluations done, how has it worked out for undiagnosed PD? Was it worth the time and money? Did it change anything? For the better?

My fear is that we go though the process and even though she might get some PD flags that things don't change. I can totally see it going the way of "Sure she's unemployed, can't maintain professional relationships and has mental issues but by living with her the kids will be in better schools NOW and when she acts out, the grandparents can handle the kids!"

Thanks!

[david]

I saw a tee shirt the other day that said ":)ad's don't babysit, it's called parenting."

If you have solid proof, evidence that mom was not that involved with the kids lives before than why are the grandparents getting as much consideration as you ? Sounds like the gal took that approach with his reasoning.

Start documenting as much as you can about what is currently going on. I would also write down things from the past that you can recall. The more concrete evidence you can gather the better your position would be in court. You also have to learn what your court looks for. My ex had primary custody and I was able to show that both of our boys did over 95 % of their homework when they were with me even though ex had majority of time. I had copies of every homework they did when with me. I signed and dated everyone. Ex signed and dated the ones they did at her residence, which was great, and that showed that very few were completed and/or correct. I had the boys do corrections when with me.

Getting a therapist to say that she exhibits traits may be helpful. An eval report may be helpful. The evaluator may want to talk to all the therapists and get there input. The one that needed to see her T after getting triggered could be helpful.

Getting into fights at the many jobs ? could you find someone that would write that down or testify to that ? If not , can you simply write down each one and the duration of each ? 

The school issue would be important to me so I would try to find a resolution to that. Could you move into the better school district ? How much better is the other school district ? You can research that online and through both school's resources. Go to both and get information to make a more informed decision. There might not be that much of a difference.

Also, 23 miles seems like a long commute. I guess it depends on the time it takes to commute.

Courts want a plan that is thought out and looks at what is best for the kids, at least that is what they are supposed to do. If you can present evidence showing your plan is better for them that that should help.

[Nope]

So the kids are 7 and 8 and will be living with mom in her parent's house until they graduate high school? This seems like a very short sighted Band-Aid approach.

But I think the take away here is that the GAL is not finding enough proof of anything wrong to justify a different recommendation. Mental health issues by themselves won't cause a mother to lose custody. If her behavior towards the kids is not proven to be damaging then the professionals are a lot more likely to overlook her behaviors with other adults. In short, a GAL represents the best interests of the children. It isn't his job to care about how she treats you. So the only way an evaluation would be helpful would be if it confirms a root cause for behaviors that hurt the kids.

[sanemom]

Could you move closer to her parents and ask for 50/50?

[ForeverDad]

You've gotten some good responses.  Overall they boil down to ":)o what you believe is best for the children."  Is it best if the children live elsewhere much of the time and their grandparents "sort of" supervise?  Call it what it is, supervision!

Why can't you, as the more stable parent and father, be the one in charge?  Yes, courts, GALs, evaluators and other professionals often default to mothers, you don't have to accept that.  Yes, it may end up that they decide otherwise, but you at least ought to stand up for what you believe is best for them.

Unfortunately, the professionals will be trying to prove a negative than prove a positive... .Understand that their perspective ("Is there enough basis for mother not to default to primary parent?" may not match your perspective.  ("Father would do best as the primary parent!"  Find ways to get them to see that overall perspective.

I suspect the push for the children to attend a better school is a weak excuse.  Maybe that would work when both parents are reasonably equivalent, but mother has some major issues even if they don't sum up to being 'actionable' by Social Services or Children's Services.  They probably isn't that much difference between the schools.

Also, she says she'll live with her parents nearby?  Many of our ex-spouses moved multiple times.  (Mine moved out of the county a year after the final decree.)  What if she moves elsewhere into another school district?  Or moved in with a BF or gets married?  Almost anything can happen in the next decade.

I believe a custody evaluation would be helpful.  Not a guarantee but helpful.  Of course, be very careful to ensure an experienced CE is chosen.  A lousy one can be devastating as well as needlessly expensive.  All of the professionals prefer settlements but the CE does look deeper into the family dynamics and should have much more training than GALs.  (A GAL can just be a lawyer with some level of instruction on cases with children, training does vary.)  In my case the mediation failed at the start of the divorce process and the settlement conference failed promptly nearer the end of the divorce process.  Since the temp order was so favorable to my stbEx she never had incentive to settle, not until the temp order was about to end in a full day Trial.  Only then was she forced to agree to terms that were "less unfavorable" for me.

Letting your stbEx become Residential Parent for School Purposes is not a positive step.  Here's what I wrote about my experience, perspective and boundaries:

In my view being RP has some benefit even if the lawyers insist it means nothing.  One likely benefit is that the school is more likely to default their calls and letters to you first.

This is concerning "Residential Parent for School Purposes".  In Shared Parenting that's all RPfSP means, just to determine where the children attend school, or so both lawyers told me.  The both insisted it really didn't matter.  How wrong they were... .

(1)  On trial morning upon arriving "at the court house steps", when my ex couldn't drag out the 2 year divorce process any longer, I was told she was finally ready to settle.  I said, I will settle only if I become Residential Parent, otherwise let's start the trial.  She literally begged to stay Residential Parent (she had it in the temporary order during the two year divorce) but I held firm, it was that or proceed with the trial.  Both lawyers told us it was ridiculous, that RP meant nothing in Shared Parenting except which school the child attended.  But I held firm and got it.  Since three months were still remaining in the school year, the school let me apply for Open Enrollment for the rest of the year.  The very next month the school principal notified me that due to his mother's continuing incidents at school including attempted pick ups on days that weren't hers, the school board was denying my Open Enrollment and I had one day to enroll him in my own school district for the last six weeks of kindergarten.  Imagine... .Kicked out of kindergarten... .

(2)  I called CPS earlier this year to report my ex had again taken our child to the local children's hospital's ER to make allegations yet again.  Asked if I lived in mother's county, I said, No.  The CPS staffer then said to contact CPS in her county.  When I said all our history is in this county, I was told, their systems now share records between counties, so I should call her county's offices.  I asked, Why hers and not mine?  The CPS staffer said, You call the Residential Parent's county offices.  I replied, I'm Residential Parent!  **OOPS**  Many agencies still make assumptions that the mother has control of custody, residency and parenting time.

[mindfull]

Thanks for the responses! It definitely gives me some fresh perspective on the situation.

My attorney and I had tried to demonstrate that keeping everything as consistent and stable was the best for the kids. They stay in their same house, same school, keep same friends and same neighborhood. Apparently that wasn't enough.

I agree that the schooling situation is weak as is the grandparents being there as day care. It does make some (albeit tiny) sense but only if you fully disregard everything that myself and my wife have to offer. It reminds me of business decisions being made solely on numbers on spreadsheets without any care in what's really going on. Some one can easily just look at numbers and make a decision. Three adults in the residence home is better than one... .A school in the top 25 in the area on this list is better than one not in the top 25.

Overall, I think my main takeaway from what you all have said is that I need to demonstrate that her behavior negatively impacts the kids. My desire of not doing any mudslinging has surely painted an improper picture and has hurt my case. I do need to fight for what I believe and not give in to the GAL's weakly justified recommendation.

[david]

"she was never a stay at home mom" Can you show evidence that proves that ? If you wrote checks for day care get copies of the canceled checks. If not, can you get the daycare provider to give you a receipt with all the times ?

Also, do you get along with the grandparents ? If you do that may be a plus if you can talk to them and get their perspective. They may be helpful. If they attack you and put up roadblocks then they are not the same as a daycare provider and are hindering your parenting. That is different then what you were doing when you were together with your wife.

A custody eval is only as good as the evaluator. I went through three. They were all court ordered. The first one was a waste of time and money. The second one recommended I have more time with the boys but nothing specific. By then I found a good attorney, which is very important, and he was able to give the judge a list of evaluators for us to choose from. They were all very good and, since I already went through two, could tell how much better he was. My ex realized it too and threatened him with court action during joint meeting.

You tube has videos about parental alienation. Not sure if that is something happening. If it is Dr. Childress has a great video on it. It is well worth watching for you as well as your attorney. Close top two hours long. He has shorter videos too.

[ForeverDad]

My attorney and I had tried to demonstrate that keeping everything as consistent and stable was the best for the kids. They stay in their same house, same school, keep same friends and same neighborhood. Apparently that wasn't enough.

Frankly, nothing will ever be enough during mediation or settlement conferences.  You are facing, if your stbEx is anything likes ours, someone who is too entitled or too controlling to be reasonable or willing to let you step forward.  Generally settlements don't work until the divorce is approaching a major hearing or trial.  You may be willing to negotiate with the facts in mind, your stbEx won't.

Are you thinking that you have to settle?  While that did happen for many of us, it wasn't until our ex's were under pressure to do something or else face a trial or whatever.  That wasn't early in the divorce process.  Heard of settlements "on the court house steps"?  That would have been me if only my court house had steps.  I separated in late 2005, filed in early 2006, settled on Trial Day in early 2008 and the final decree was a couple months later.

My point is that a quick and easy settlement seldom gets us (with high conflict cases) much of anything.  More than likely if you stand your ground for what you know is right, then you'll get more, or at least "less unfair", than what is offered now.

My desire of not doing any mudslinging has surely painted an improper picture and has hurt my case. I do need to fight for what I believe and not give in to the GAL's weakly justified recommendation.

Metaphorically, you don't bring a bread roll and butter knife to a gunfight.  Being overly fair is more likely to be self-sabotaging than helpful.  Here's what you're dealing with in a divorce case:  The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.  Putting your best foot forward isn't enough, you need to "put your foot in the door" to keep that wide open for parenting.

Is your GAL a lawyer?  The problem is that lawyers are trained to settle.  So GAL may be looking for a middle ground and remembering that mothers usually get default preference in so much.  It's hard to get them to stray very far from the usual outcomes.  GAL may also be thinking that if mother has the kids more than you're more likely to pay her child support, after all you are responsible and work and mother doesn't or won't.

[david]

Also, be careful.

My ex had me arrested for assault. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and went to jail for two weeks. I never raised my voice or touched her in any way. Domestic abuse claims usually means someone has to be arrested and since men are the aggressors ? they get arrested.

I purchased a video recorder and a small voice recorder after I got out of jail. Our court order states that during pick ups the parent needs to stay in their residence until the other one departs with the children. That was in our order before I got arrested. I followed the order and ex did not. The first time I went to pick the boys up after getting out of jail my ex came out and walked towards my car. I stepped out of my car and pointed the video camera at her. She uturned and went back into her place. Same thing happened the second time. Next time we were in court ex brought up the fact that I was recording and it is illegal in our state. I explained my position and got yelled at by the judge since I was not allowed to do that. That was in 2010. I still record and have been yelled at by three or four judges now for the same thing. Yelling beats jail any day.

I would never have believed my ex would do what she did. Sitting in jail for two weeks changed my beliefs.

[Thunderstruck]

My DH got 50/50 in a temporary CO (his is a paternity case, never married). We asked for a Custody Eval two years ago, but we're a bad example because we STILL haven't gotten the report back. Our CE started going through a divorce of her own so she has completely dropped the ball on our evaluation. UGH.