Worried about my son

[BowlOfPetunias]

How do I tell if my son is starting to exhibit BPD?  How worried should I be?

I am growing concerned that my son (13) may be starting to exhibit some of the same BPD traits that affect my wife.  Impulsiveness, lying/false memory, unexplained mood swings, rages, manipulative behavior.  I know some of this is teenage behavior, but the family history worries me.  He was recently suspended from school because someone was frightened by his Instagram posts and reported him to the police.  More recently, he changed his Instagram avatar to the Watchman icon--a smiley face with a bloody bullet wound.  He does not appear to have learned his lesson.  I got him to change it to a more acceptable image, but he was not supposed to be using Instagram after the first school incident.


I have read the theory that an invalidating environment contributes to BPD.  When he was an infant, my wife wanted to be "SuperMom."  She was terribly upset that she could not be a stay-at-home mother.  She hitched on to the anti-vaccination movement and had all of his shots delayed.  (Our daughters pediatrician didn't take any of this nonsense--he told her she could get her vaccinated or find another doctor.)  She would call me at my new academic job and demand that I come home because she was so stressed out by his crying--even when I had to prepare my lessons for the next day.  The invalidating came in with crying.  I thought, "He is going to cry, that is what baby's do.  We can do everything we can to take care of him, but he is going to cry sometimes."  She thought, "Oh, my God!  I have to make him stop crying.  Why can't I make him stop crying?  I must be a horrible mother because I can't make him stop crying!"  My concern here is that she was invalidating his emotions at an early age--"you CAN'T be sad/angry because that makes me a bad mother."

Some background.  My wife was adopted.  Her biological mother has poor impulse control--a gambling addiction.  Her adoptive mother is very abusive--either BPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or both.  Everyone in her adopted family has always enabled her mother--"That's just the way she is.  She isn't going to change."  In other words, my wife grew up in a very invalidating environment, supporting the theory that this contributes to BPD.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello BowlofPetunias,

Welcome to the Parenting board.  I'm sorry that your son seems to be struggling so much.  Have you considered taking him for an assessment with a psychologist?  If there are indicators of an emerging personality disorder testing can be set up and therapy can continue.

Does your son exhibit abandonment issues? 

What is your relationship like with your son?  Do you talk openly together?

My d was diagnosed with emerging BPD at 13 and with proper treatment and us learning about the disorder and how to more affectively communicate she is doing very well now at 19 years old.

lbjnltx

[BowlOfPetunias]

My son is seeing a therapist and he has been evaluated by a psychiatrist for school.  The psychiatrist recommended that further psychiatric treatment and medication may be necessary.  My wife is very reluctant to accept the possibility of medication.

I try to have deep conversations with him, but mostly it is telling him information about my own experiences growing up and not getting a lot of information from him.  He doesn't want to discuss sexual issues.  I have made a point, however, of emphasizing that he had better not let his impulsiveness and disregard for consequences result in him coercing girls.

He says he is very appreciative of my attempts to protect him from the worst of my wife's rages, but he then makes it hard for me to do so by refusing to listen to me about things like homework.

I was pretty neglected by my parents, and I wish they had done things like shown me how to ride a bike.  I tried with my son when he was 6 or 7, but at one point he refused to continue and threw fits.  Now, he is embarrassed to try any more because he should have learned at the age when his friends did. Last summer, I tried to teach him how to program in preparation for a video game design summer camp.  He just wasn't into it.  He asks me a lot of questions about superheroes, even though I have made it clear to him I have no idea of most of what he is talking about.

[Lollypop]

Hi

My BPDs25 was always a challenging child. I believe we missed a critical point at 11-15. The whole teenage years are just so hard as they flex their muscles.

My BPDs25 got on a bike at 24, the last time was at 11. I get what you're saying. My BPDs can now articulate what's been going on in his head. To be honest, it's scary how much actual thinking he does and the conflicting emotions must be absolutely overwhelming. My BPDs has spent his entire life in fear of absolutely everything, all with me wagging my finger at him. Hardly conducive to a healthy relationship.

I have a non BPDs15. He has a girlfriend and I understand your fears regarding sex. Coercian? I'm trying to understand your point?

When our BPDs25 said he'd quite like to play guitar then that's what we paid for. It was a lifesaver for a couple of years, he sang, he bellowed. A great stress reliever. No matter what else we suggested it didn't work out or mostly he just said NO! Fear!

My BPDs25 told me that the "sex" talk was way too early. He was barely at first base. He also is adamant: if he'd been faced with a therapist he would have lied in his teenager years. Can't get away From the urge to say what everybody wants to hear,

My BPDs25 has spent a few hours looking at his childhood photos. I'm very sad that there aren't many in his teenage years. I feel guilty about this. I should have tried harder. Time lost and lost opportunities of me not enjoying him, nor striving to understand what made him tick. I was lost myself but know better now

I hope this post helps.

[BowlOfPetunias]

Coercion worry:

My son is impulsive and is not able to delay gratification, despite the consequences.  For example, he would be allowed to play video games once he finishes his homework, provided that he takes breaks for meals and stops playing to go to bed on time.  The consequences of not doing so are losing electronics privileges, such as having his phone when he does not actually need it for things like calling us to pick him up from school.

In practice, he has never made it this far.  We get home, and he heads upstairs (for a long stay in the bathroom, probably using his phone) or downstairs (to the WiiU and the HD TV).  We call for him to come do his homework.  "I'm coming."  This repeats and repeats.  When he finally starts his homework, he tries to sneak in other activities instead of just working on it an finishing it.  Doing math?  He will sneak his phone--even taking it out my wife's pocketbook--and play games or chat, thinking that we will not notice that he is not working.  We notice, and he loses privileges.  Also, there may be a major blowup with my wife (including attacking me for not be able to "make him do his homework."  He may have an assignment he needs to do on a computer.  He will watch videos and play games, even though we are right there and repeatedly catch him.  We tell him no headphones on the computer while working and he insists that he will only listen to music.  We say no.  He uses them anyway and plays games or watches videos.  He laughs at the videos right in front of us, as if we can't tell that laughing means he is watching something funny instead of doing his work.  We have sometimes stayed up to midnight trying to get him to finish his assignment.  He does not care that he is depriving us of much needed sleep.  Sometimes, he sneaks his computer up to his room and plays all night--only for me to have to come get him at school because he can't stay awake.  When he wants something, he will not take no for an answer.

He was suspended from school because someone was concerned about his Instagram posts and reported them to the police.  About a month later, he changes his Instagram (which he is not allowed to be on!) avatar to the logo from The Watchmen--a smiley face with a bloody bullet hole.

He is 13 and says that he has his first girlfriend.  What if this impulsiveness, refusal to delay gratification, disregard for consequences, and lack of concern for his impact on other people translates into dating?  What if he wants to have sex and the girl says no?  Will he take no for an answer from her?

I am also concerned about his rapid changes in behavior, though this does not related directly to the coercion issue.  He will throw tantrums, get into huge fights with my wife, use profanity, and even throw objects.  Then, a few minutes later, he will be apologetic and say that he knows how wrong he was, etc.

BTW, part of my fear of my son potentially coercing women is based on my experience of being coerced and sexually abused by a woman with BPD.  One of my first girlfriends was a woman with very severe BPD who pursued me in college.  (I was very lacking in self esteem and confidence, and I had other issues with my family that resulted in not having any dating experience before then.)  Part of her BPD behavior was that she CONSTANTLY wanted to have sex--even if she had to coerce me into it.  No, she did not physically force me to have sex, but she did heavily coerce me emotionally.  For example, if I did not want to have sex each and every time I saw her, she would turn that into an insult against her--I must not be attracted to her or I must not like having sex with her.  What was WRONG WITH ME?  To make matters even worse, sex almost always ended with her getting mad about something and raging at me.  For example, she once yelled at me to stop when I tried to perform oral sex.  She the immediately demanded to know why I didn't like it (because I wouldn't have stopped unless I didn't like it, right?)  I would then try to get dressed an go home, only to have her fear of abandonment kick in so that she would guilt trip me into spending the night.

As I have posted on other boards, my wife has at least some BP traits/behaviors.  They are not nearly as severe as the college girlfriend, though.

Again, I am not sure that my son has BPD, but some of his behavior makes me fear that he does.