I'd like to share something that I hope may help. I was with my dexBPDgf for 6 years, the last two she was in treatment (DBT). I seem to be one of the few that was in a relationship with someone that was diagnosed, is taking responsibility for it, and has been actively in therapy for it. I was also around the first 4 years before there was a diagnosis let alone therapy/meds so I've been on both sides of this. I understand that all situations are different just as each one of us is different. The same hold true to our exBPD's,.
After so many cycles and break ups, even while in treatment I can say, from my experience, that just because they are in therapy that things do not magically change. They still have a serious mental illness, there's no changing that. They still have the same thoughts, emotions, and coping mechanisms. The difference is she was slowly learning self awareness and coping strategies. I would like to be able to tell you that it made all the difference in the world but that's not the case. I did see progress and many changes in her life but in the end, at her core, she's still the same. Do I think there is hope for continued progress for her. Yes I do. But there is such a small chance of her getting to recovery it is a long road taking years and years.
I can say from my experience, after her in therapy for two years now that the lying, ,manipulation, rages, silent treatments, control and punishments, the intense push/pull cycles still continue. I am finding out that she still had and hid other guys as she needs that attention and validation. Up until the end she professed her total love and commitment to me, I'm her soul mate, she cannot imaging ever being with anyone else, that i set the bar too high, and on and on and I believed it all. Until the final push cycle where she ended it.
I also went thru her leaving and no contact for 6 months at a time to her coming back telling me what i needed to hear. During every single time of her leaving and being NC she went right to another man. And each time she left him and came back right to me. I also was given closure, something very few seem to get. I was given a long text explaining why shes ending it including focusing on her kids and her therapy, rebuilding her life.
I then found out, after her ending it, that this was not the real reason why she ended it. She went right to a new man. So like many I was devalued, pushed out, discarded, and she ran right to my replacement.
So my point is we can tell ourselves that if they just get help. If they just pour themselves into treatment that things will change. And in some aspects they will. But from my experience though she has made incredible progress, her BPD is still in control and all the damaging behaviors are still there.
I still struggle every minute of every day thinking, she's in therapy, if I just hold on long enough that things will get great again. But that thought process is me projecting what I want onto her instead of looking at reality, and that is, even after years of treatment, she still mentally ill and I cant change that.
ALL of that ^
My ex was in therapy the last year of our r/s and she continued to be unfaithful. I loved her very much but the chaos and emotional havoc the r/s was causing me made continuing next to impossible.
Therapy is not a magic cure. I wish my ex well - but I know that a healthy, adult r/s with me or with anyone else will be impossible for her for a very, very long time.
