My ex pwBPD reached out to me after 5 months

[codes316]

She reached out to me after being burned by her so bad. I changed a lot and have done so much to get past her. She texted me after 5 months "hello?". I'm really tempted to reply back with who is this? I went to counseling to get past this and my counselor suggested that she might have BPD. What do you guys think? She always did say she would contact me when she is ready, but I wasn't holding my breath for her.

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[Lifewriter16]

I guess the issue is what do you want? When you know what you want to happen, tailor your response accordingly.

Lifewriter x

[once removed]

hey codes316 and welcome back!

i agree with lifewriter16, a response or no response tends to depend upon what you want, and your emotions.

she said "hello?" - if youre inclined to respond, "hi" puts the ball back in her court.

[codes316]

"hi" puts the ball back in her court.

You think that is better than saying who is this? What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship. I'll be honest I have no clue what I want. I don't want to see her romantically at this moment, but I'm afraid old emotions might come back if start reconnecting.

[Wize]

"hi" puts the ball back in her court.

What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship.

Recognize your boundaries.  The boundaries that you set with her.  "Get help, get treatment or there will be no relationship." That's your boundary and you need to stick to it.   

[steelwork]

"hi" puts the ball back in her court.

You think that is better than saying who is this? What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship. I'll be honest I have no clue what I want. I don't want to see her romantically at this moment, but I'm afraid old emotions might come back if start reconnecting.

Can you tell her that, and then tell her you don't want to be in contact for now?

[bAlex]

I think this is great, you don't know what you want, and her saying she'll let you know when she's ready and reaching out... .

I say don't reply with any sort or game. who is this? could potentially be seen as playing dumb. you don't want that.

the people that replied that you should encourage boundaries -  I agree. This should be very much conditional, if getting back is her intention.

decide what you want and take it from there.

if she turns out to be indecisive about what she wants now, walk away. trust me, no woman that wants to be with you will make you wait, no less torture you with the idea.

But honestly, you seem to have come a long way. It Doesn't seem like you're still hung up on her, so why not just get an emotionally healthy partner? 

[Mars22]

Wow... Very tough call. You've literally invested much time [Therapy] for healing from how she treated you so, do you feel this has helped make you stronger? ... and prepared you for dealing with who she really is? Did you read the Forums here on how do approach being with pwBPD traits... in the Lesson- Improving Section? Perhaps a refresher would be in order.


I do agree though - IF you feel you can figure out proper boundaries and what you want out of correspondence with her... then follow her lead, keep it light and don't talk about the past.

No need to rush into this.

[zeus123]

Knowing that she's a BPD, what do you think replying would really achieve for you?

[Mutt]

Hi codes316,

Take things slowly. If you feel the need to self protect, don't respond. Take really good care of yourself.

[Wantingtochange]

She has a serious mental illness that at it's very core will make it nearly impossible to have a healthy relationship let alone a lasting one. If you needed therapy to get past it why back track and go backwards to that vs. staying single and seeking out a healthier person. I can only speak for me, but I was in denial about not wanting my exBPDgf romantically. I continuously told myself i just wanted to be friends and support her in her therapy. And as soon as we started talking I was back in with both feet.

It's a tough call, I understand that. But if she's not in treatment then I would advise against. In the scheme of things you haven't been apart that long and I speak from experience, it is so incredibly easy to fall right back into it.

And I agree with the above statement, if she truly wanted you, you wouldn't have been left twisting in the wind. In my case her bed was never cold so all those times when she was working on herself she was actually with other men.

What ever you choose, good luck

And the biggest question I think is how did her contacting you make you feel?

[Leonis]

"Hi" or "what's up" would be a good reply if you want to see what she has to say.

Otherwise, don't even bother respond.

[once removed]

i feel like we are getting ahead of ourselves here. she has said "hello?". "get help or i cant communicate with you" is kind of jumping the gun and im not sure its the best definition of strong boundaries.

i also agree with bAlex. dont play games, tempting as it might be. thats likely to draw you in the same way that kept you in.

codes, you havent stated what you want here.

do you want to hear what she has to say?

do you want to say your piece?

do you want to recycle the relationship?

do you want to move on?

clarifying your position on this will enable us to better help you, and better help you decide how to go forward.

[Wize]

"get help or i cant communicate with you" is kind of jumping the gun and im not sure its the best definition of strong boundaries.

My wife is BPD, I filed for divorce a few weeks ago.  Obviously I'm not going to generalize and say every pwBPD is like this, but communication with a BPD person is, with rare exceptions, futile and frustrating.  So, while you may not consider "get help or we're done" your idea of establishing strong boundaries, I assure you, for my relationship, that was the only boundary that determined its success or failure. While you might consider this more of an ultimatum, for me, it's the only boundary that works with pwBPD.

[once removed]

Wize, that may be true for your relationship.

[KatyK2016]

Hi Codes 

So this is interesting because I am on month 3 of NC with my exBPD and I often wonder if he is going to come back into my life. I've made it incredibly hard as I've changed my number etc. but he knows he can always email me.

Anyways... .'

It sounds like you are doing well right now and have done the necessary work to move on with your life. I'm in therapy myself and the cost of me progressing (slowly albeit) is enough to make me never want to deal with this again every time I look at the tallied therapist bill. But with that said I can understand your temptation to respond and test if a friendship would work out if you just did ___________ differently. So I'm going to do for you what I hope someone does for me should I find myself posting this same subject in 2 months! LOL I'm going to dish out advice coming from what I KNOW. Not what I think could be or offer hopeful maybe's. You have to take people's mental illness seriously and fully understand what that she is reaching out to your because she needs something from you after not wanting or having anything to do with you for the past 5 months. So just think about that for a second. Why? What do you think she could want? Do you really want to help and be pulled back in the drama?

Taking a hit to the heart after dealing with all their BS and  mindf*** games they put your though is not worth it even for friendship in my experience. It somehow always gets twisted in the end because of their selfishness and inability to accept responsibility for their sometimes crappy behavior. Although they are so much fun and feel like your best friend the constant push pull will never go away. They need it to feel what they can't. They are emotionally immature. They think they have to feel missing you to prove that they love you. Once they have you love they think they can find someone better yet they dont want to fully let you go just in case the other thing doesn't work out. You're supposed to put your life on hold and sit and wait with your undying love until she comes back on HER TERMS. The arrogance of the condition is impressive.

This constant wear and tear on our emotions and psyche will eventually compromise our own mental health and well being if you stay in contact with her. Also we all know that BPD's always obsess over their ex until they have devalued you to the point where they don't. Keep your power and head high and keep moving forward with your life. Know she will hold you on a pedestal and brag about you to every new guy because you got away and didn't take anymore of her crap. 

Know that you if you respond that is all she needs to know that you still care. If you do decide to have a friendship with boundaries know that pushing boundaries and testing people is a part of their disorder. You would have to go into the friendship expecting her to treat you as poorly as she has with no change. It's up to you if you want deal with that in your life. 

Good Luck!

[codes316]

Wow, the support and responses have been amazing. I didn't know what to say so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello. I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes. I been seeing someone casually and finally understand what a real healthy relationship is. I know that I can't take the pain and heartbreak to be back with her again. I don't know what to reply now... .You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

[once removed]

You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

theres a middle ground. no one is suggesting you stick your neck out or wear your heart on your sleeve. on the contrary.

so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello.

she has an innate fear of abandonment and rejection. hello was what she could muster, who is this = rejection.

I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes.

if you dont have any intentions, and cant take the pain and heartbreak associated with her, no reply is necessary. you want to see where what goes, exactly? you very much have a say in where it goes. thats why it helps to clarify your goals.

you asked who this is. she said "k wow" (ill go out on a limb, i dont think thats anyones name  ). i dont see anything that compels a reply.

[Leonis]

Wow, the support and responses have been amazing. I didn't know what to say so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello. I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes. I been seeing someone casually and finally understand what a real healthy relationship is. I know that I can't take the pain and heartbreak to be back with her again. I don't know what to reply now... .You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

In that case, I probably would have kept the conversation casual or never responded in the first place. There's really no need to toss dirt at the other direction since it's been over between you two.

[Mutt]

Wow, the support and responses have been amazing. I didn't know what to say so I wrote who is this? And she replied k wow. Its been 5 months and all she had to say was hello. I think everyone is wondering what my intentions are: I honestly do not have any. I just want to see where it goes. I been seeing someone casually and finally understand what a real healthy relationship is. I know that I can't take the pain and heartbreak to be back with her again. I don't know what to reply now... .You guys are right about not playing games and stuff, but I don't want to come in eager and caring either.

I don't feel like we're getting too far ahead of ourselves.

It helps to get as many different perspectives from peers. Take what you feel suits your needs and values, pick the bones out of them and work with it. We're all here to help a fellow member.

[codes316]

I want to generally lead the conversation to us talking about her seeking treatment. What should I say as in how should I build the convo is that direction? and what should I avoid saying?

[C.Stein]

I want to generally lead the conversation to us talking about her seeking treatment. What should I say as in how should I build the convo is that direction? and what should I avoid saying?

I think a pertinent question to ask here is why do you think you are responsible for her mental health?

[jhkbuzz]

"hi" puts the ball back in her court.

You think that is better than saying who is this? What I want is her to seek help, but I don't think she ever will. I know what happens if I end up getting back with her... .the same result, but a shorter relationship. I'll be honest I have no clue what I want. I don't want to see her romantically at this moment, but I'm afraid old emotions might come back if start reconnecting.

I think your "gut" is telling you something that perhaps your heart doesn't want to hear. Listen to your gut... .

[Mutt]

It sounds you have feelings for her and you're attached. I'd focus my efforts on detaching. I understand that you care for her, we can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.

[codes316]

Are you saying you're open to the idea of getting back together if she sought treatment and was committed to therapy?

No, more along the lines of don't mind being friends as long as she is seeking treatment. If she were to change drastically maybe a romantic interest, but for now I do not want a relationship with her again.

What should I say or reply back?

[C.Stein]

What should I say or reply back?

Nothing.  Her response tells me she has quite likely painted you black.  If you respond there is a good chance you will not like the reply she sends, if she even bothers to respond.

[Wantingtochange]

I'd like to share something that I hope may help. I was with my dexBPDgf for 6 years, the last two she was in treatment (DBT). I seem to be one of the few that was in a relationship with someone that was diagnosed, is taking responsibility for it, and has been actively in therapy for it. I was also around the first 4 years before there was a diagnosis let alone therapy/meds so I've been on both sides of this. I understand that all situations are different just as each one of us is different. The same hold true to our exBPD's,.

After so many cycles and break ups, even while in treatment I can say, from my experience, that just because they are in  therapy that things do not magically change. They still have a serious mental illness, there's no changing that. They still have the same thoughts, emotions, and coping mechanisms. The difference is she was slowly learning self awareness and coping strategies. I would like to be able to tell you that it made all the difference in the world but that's not the case. I did see progress and many changes in her life but in the end, at her core, she's still the same. Do I think there is hope for continued progress for her. Yes I do. But there is such a small chance of her getting to recovery it is a long road taking years and years.

I can say from my experience, after her in therapy for two years now that the lying, ,manipulation, rages, silent treatments, control and punishments, the intense push/pull cycles still continue. I am finding out that she still had and hid other guys as she needs that attention and validation. Up until the end she professed her total love and commitment to me, I'm her soul mate, she cannot imaging ever being with anyone else, that i set the bar too high, and on and on and I believed it all. Until the final push cycle where she ended it.

I also went thru her leaving and no contact for 6 months at a time to her coming back telling me what i needed to hear. During every single time of her leaving and being NC she went right to another man. And each time she left him and came back right to me. I also was given closure, something very few seem to get. I was given a long text explaining why shes ending it including focusing on her kids and her therapy, rebuilding her life.

I then found out, after her ending it, that this was not the real reason why she ended it. She went right to a new man. So like many I was devalued, pushed out, discarded, and she ran right to my replacement.

So my point is we can tell ourselves that if they just get help. If they just pour themselves into treatment that things will change. And in some aspects they will. But from my experience though she has made incredible progress, her BPD is still in control and all the damaging behaviors are still there.

I still struggle every minute of every day thinking, she's in therapy, if I just hold on long enough that things will get great again. But that thought process is me projecting what I want onto her instead of looking at reality, and that is, even after years of treatment, she still mentally ill and I cant change that.

[Wantingtochange]

I'd like to share something that I hope may help. I was with my dexBPDgf for 6 years, the last two she was in treatment (DBT). I seem to be one of the few that was in a relationship with someone that was diagnosed, is taking responsibility for it, and has been actively in therapy for it. I was also around the first 4 years before there was a diagnosis let alone therapy/meds so I've been on both sides of this. I understand that all situations are different just as each one of us is different. The same hold true to our exBPD's,.

After so many cycles and break ups, even while in treatment I can say, from my experience, that just because they are in  therapy that things do not magically change. They still have a serious mental illness, there's no changing that. They still have the same thoughts, emotions, and coping mechanisms. The difference is she was slowly learning self awareness and coping strategies. I would like to be able to tell you that it made all the difference in the world but that's not the case. I did see progress and many changes in her life but in the end, at her core, she's still the same. Do I think there is hope for continued progress for her. Yes I do. But there is such a small chance of her getting to recovery it is a long road taking years and years.

I can say from my experience, after her in therapy for two years now that the lying, ,manipulation, rages, silent treatments, control and punishments, the intense push/pull cycles still continue. I am finding out that she still had and hid other guys as she needs that attention and validation. Up until the end she professed her total love and commitment to me, I'm her soul mate, she cannot imaging ever being with anyone else, that i set the bar too high, and on and on and I believed it all. Until the final push cycle where she ended it.

I also went thru her leaving and no contact for 6 months at a time to her coming back telling me what i needed to hear. During every single time of her leaving and being NC she went right to another man. And each time she left him and came back right to me. I also was given closure, something very few seem to get. I was given a long text explaining why shes ending it including focusing on her kids and her therapy, rebuilding her life.

I then found out, after her ending it, that this was not the real reason why she ended it. She went right to a new man. So like many I was devalued, pushed out, discarded, and she ran right to my replacement. He is very successful, a well known local celebrity, and shes on cloud 9 showing him off and riding the high of this. I am painted black as can be and know that I'll never hear from her again. And as much as it hurts, I know that's best.

So my point is we can tell ourselves that if they just get help. If they just pour themselves into treatment that things will change. And in some aspects they will. But from my experience though she has made incredible progress, her BPD is still in control and all the damaging behaviors are still there.

I still struggle every minute of every day thinking, she's in therapy, if I just hold on long enough that things will get great again. Myy mind continues to say, she will be different with the new guy, she will change because of therapy, and they will live happily ever after. But I know that's not really true and despite her in therapy her devaluation and push cycle will still happen. And then onto the next new guy.

Reality is, she still mentally ill and I cant change that. And after two year of her in therapy, its still an incredibly hard and damaging relationship to be in.

[insideoutside]

Hi Codes 

So this is interesting because I am on month 3 of NC with my exBPD and I often wonder if he is going to come back into my life. I've made it incredibly hard as I've changed my number etc. but he knows he can always email me.

Anyways... .'

It sounds like you are doing well right now and have done the necessary work to move on with your life. I'm in therapy myself and the cost of me progressing (slowly albeit) is enough to make me never want to deal with this again every time I look at the tallied therapist bill. But with that said I can understand your temptation to respond and test if a friendship would work out if you just did ___________ differently. So I'm going to do for you what I hope someone does for me should I find myself posting this same subject in 2 months! LOL I'm going to dish out advice coming from what I KNOW. Not what I think could be or offer hopeful maybe's. You have to take people's mental illness seriously and fully understand what that she is reaching out to your because she needs something from you after not wanting or having anything to do with you for the past 5 months. So just think about that for a second. Why? What do you think she could want? Do you really want to help and be pulled back in the drama?

Taking a hit to the heart after dealing with all their BS and  mindf*** games they put your though is not worth it even for friendship in my experience. It somehow always gets twisted in the end because of their selfishness and inability to accept responsibility for their sometimes crappy behavior. Although they are so much fun and feel like your best friend the constant push pull will never go away. They need it to feel what they can't. They are emotionally immature. They think they have to feel missing you to prove that they love you. Once they have you love they think they can find someone better yet they dont want to fully let you go just in case the other thing doesn't work out. You're supposed to put your life on hold and sit and wait with your undying love until she comes back on HER TERMS. The arrogance of the condition is impressive.

This constant wear and tear on our emotions and psyche will eventually compromise our own mental health and well being if you stay in contact with her. Also we all know that BPD's always obsess over their ex until they have devalued you to the point where they don't. Keep your power and head high and keep moving forward with your life. Know she will hold you on a pedestal and brag about you to every new guy because you got away and didn't take anymore of her crap. 

Know that you if you respond that is all she needs to know that you still care. If you do decide to have a friendship with boundaries know that pushing boundaries and testing people is a part of their disorder. You would have to go into the friendship expecting her to treat you as poorly as she has with no change. It's up to you if you want deal with that in your life. 

Good Luck!

Thank you for this, it was really helpful to me x

[KatyK2016]

In my experience if they are finally reaching out that means that they feel that they have beat themselves over the head enough about the situation and have forgiven you... .Yes, I said THEY NEEDED TO FORGIVE YOU. In other words paint you back to white.

Sounds twisted because it is! Considering we are the ones picking up the pieces of our lives while they are out "Mad" for some stupid reason while starting a new life with dreams of building a rainbow bridge with that partner... .until they don't. Then they come back to you.

BPD's hate to accept any wrong in the situation or have to actually say sorry. Most of the time the sorry is rehearsed action just to get you back into their life. When I talked to my ex and brought up the fact that I was educating myself on his conditions and now had a new perspective on his actions... .HE HATED IT.

It made him angry. If I approached the subject of therapy or what he was doing to take care of himself he would shut me down and the conversation had to end. He also told it was non of my business. He would then change the subject and I'd get so worried that I had upset him or he was going to leave that I dropped it and there it goes... .right under the carpet like the rest of the times.

With all that being use my example to expect that type of response. She may say you have been out of her life for so long and she has it all handled now or she could just lie and say she is in therapy. She could also really be doing all these things yet you should still expect the same behavior from her. If go into a friendship with her keep your eyes open to her manipulation tactics, cycle symptoms and any behavior you will not tolerate as a friend. Whatever you do, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. It will set you back in your progress and even getting your heart broken as a friend is pretty crappy. If you are going to approach the subject of therapy I'd wait until you both have had some comfortable hangouts and things aren't weird. She may feel attacked if you start talking about "her problems" right off the bat. She will definitely have a list of your problems memorized so be ready for that too!

One thing I know for a fact with my ex is I could never really depend on him for anything. If he did come through I was always surprised. Take inventory of what you did not like while you were in a a relationship with her and make those your boundaries. Tell her that you won't tolerate her ignoring you if you are setting up plans, or flaking or not having money yatta yatta whatever it was. Everyone is different.