coming to terms with the end

[Venny]

Hello all. I'm having a hard time accepting that my relationship is over. It's over for so many reasons and I tell myself it's for the best and what needed to happen but I don't really believe that. For her it seems so easy. We shared a dog and within 2 months she has simply replaced him with a new dog. To think she hasn't done the same with me is naive. I saw her the other day. She looked terrible glassy eyed and was totally emotionless. Couldn't care less. I was blown away that she had just replaced our dog so soon but should I be suprised? In reading emails from 4 years ago they are basically exactly the same as ones I send noe.  Nothing is any different other than she doesn't respond. She says none of it is my fault and I did all I could. It screws with me because if she knows that then why the hell did this need to happen? Why lie? Can she truly not help it? Why is she so willing to throw away 5 years of history? But again in reading old emails, she was always willing to give up and run away. She always created problems. I feel like if I had of broken up with her years ago she would have never tried to get me back. This is proof now. Simply replacing the dog as tho it was an object not a living thing... .exactly like me. So how do I accept that this is the end? Our whole life together has been this and in a weird way this feels no different. The only difference seems to be that before she at least faked caring whereas now won't even reply. Don't know what to do.

[LilMe]

   I am sorry you are going through this, Venny!  I know how painful and hard it is.  I do not have an easy solution; hopefully someone else does!  Have you taken time to work through the Lessons on the right of the page?  I am sure there is information that could help you there.

I am having a hard time letting go too.  I am trying to focus on myself and my healing.  What was my part in the dysfunction?  How can I avoid the same type of pain and dysfunction in the future?  I am trying hard to move forward and not back.  Some days it is scary and hard and all I see is black up ahead.  But now and then there are days where I see a faint picture of a truly happy life.

I hope to hear from you again!  It helps to share with others who understand.

[Ahoy]

Mate you accept that this was mist likely a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. You accept that the initial disbelief of your relationship ending is a completely natural part of the grieving process.

The book 'from abandonment to healing' might be educational for you because it goes into great detail about what you are currently feeling. The author defines this initial phase as the shattering, because that's what it is. Us basically sitting on the ground confused and in disbelief this has all actually happened. Even at 3 1/2 months I still have little pockets of disbelief my marriage ended.

The comment about the dog got me. We have two beautiful family dogs, one of them was hers, she loved this guy so much. Upon our separation she instantly got a new one and never asked about him again.

It's important because it just might highlight that for borderlines, people (maybe animals too?) are just things that exist to provide validation and to feed their narcissistic source. Once we have run our course, or are out of the picture, you don't work to get them back, you replace them with a newer, shinier object (person)

It's interesting that she is taking responsibility for things. Is this genuine you feel? What is all her fault?

Going back to how you are feeling, now I've regained a reasonable amount of clarity, I feel educating myself, mostly on here was what helped me out the most. Reading other peoples experiences help flush out little pieces of truth from my wife's behavior. It also helped separate fact from fiction with a lot of my observations of her.

Remember as well, you are dealing with someone who suffers from an illness that can't be cured, only managed. You probably did the very best you could, stay strong =)