recently seperated from my wife, and put together she is BPD.

[isaiah4110finn]

Hello,

I am recently separated from wife of 4 years. We have a 2y/o and a 6 month old. Like most spouses of a BPD spouse, you can't see the forest for the trees. I'm not going to discuss her symptoms b/c you know them and the Hell I've been thru. We are currently in the divorce process and meet with our lawyers on June 28th 2016. I've read and watched everything related to BPD and the effects it will have on you during divorce, especially if my spouse denies she has it. As you know the deny everything, and its always your fault. I'm also aware of the lengths they will go to destroy you. That is what I'm scared of. I need advice on how to proceed during this, without being destroyed financially, personally and legally, and getting what I want( which is basically joint custody and FAIR child support). I do not have anything that she can use against me. For all I did was work and take care of the kids and house. But as you know, they don't know what fair is. They ultimately want to destroy us... .Please help. 

[Turkish]

Who's living where, and what kind of unofficial custody schedule has been going on? Have you been documenting everything?

[isaiah4110finn]

I moved out to an APT. She is in house with the kids. She uses the kids against me by controlling when I see them. She knows that is the main way to get in my head. I am a nurse and my wife works from home. when our 2 y/o was born, I changed my schedule. I started working every weekend for a year and a day during the week. I did that to care for him. So I took care of him 4 days a week, all his life. We are extremely close. As you know a BPD, doesn't know how to love. I have been my sons "mother and Father". I know she is keeping them away to hurt me. Looking back I see how she treats everybody for her own personal gain, like pawns. I have really struggled emotionally and mentally mainly because I know my son doesn't know why I'm not there and that my wife is emotionally vacant. My boys are not getting any love right now, especially during this time of high emotional strain. Since I left, on May 8th, My wife has declared war on me. She always has somebody over there to help take care of the kids while she plans her attacks. She has hacked all my emails, called doctors I work with making false statements about me, saying I'm high on drugs and abusive, sending a co worker of mine husband a message on Facebook, stating we are having an affair. making up fake emails under my email account, showing I'm buying drugs from Mexican pharmacies, to allocate I'm on drugs. She has transferred $10.000 from our joint savings( for which I've put in 90% of total savings) into a private account. She also is having me followed to see if I screw up. She has done things to me at work to mess me up emotionally, as to cause my focus and performance to be hindered. She also hacked into my facebook, and under my account, sent a friend request from me to my bosses wife. As you know, I have been a victim for 5 years. I came into this marriage a whole and honest person. And as you know, I was played like a violin from day one. During this separation I've learned of such depravity. I learned my wife has 2 lives. I found out basically she had complete control over everything. Especially when it came to access about her. I was on the cell phone bill, yet she was the account owner, therefore I had no access to the phone text and call record. She even has put her recovery email in my gmail account. Who does this. I had know idea. Her brother is the one who told me to look in my gmail. I had know idea you could do that. It goes on and on. As you know, She has complete control of my life, yet I have no access or proof of her double life, do to her master ability to do what aBPD does. I know she has cheated many times, but cant prove it. Like you know, BPD people are very good and you can look and look, but never find the "murder weapon" But during this whole marriage destroying me mentally, emotionally, psychologically and financially. And Blaming me for everything. 

[isaiah4110finn]

yes documentation, emails, text messages, recorded phone call. I get to see the children only when I don't "challenge" her. June 28th is first hearing about custody. My main point, she will not play fair, and I cant financially battle in curt. I need help in regards to limiting the BS and drawing this out. Any court statutes to use to minimize or damage control the upcoming false allegations, etc. Which is gonna come

[Herodias]

Save every e-mail and text... .try and put it all in writing. I have everything for the past 2 years and am finally getting divorced next week. I have needed all of these things because he is taking me back to court. You will need to journal events due to the children. Be very careful what you do, because anything can be used against you. Don't let her accuse you of anything. Don't get angry and kill her with kindness which is really hard, but it will save you from worse situations, believe me.  Social media is a big one my lawyer said is used against people in court for child support and custody. I would close my account and/or start a fresh one if you need it with little postings and shut down the other one temporarily. Don't tell her this info, as you could use hers if you need to. All of my evidence has come from Facebook believe it or not! Best wishes... .these things get dragged out.

[ForeverDad]

Fathers usually have an uphill struggle with courts lawyers, evaluators, agencies and other professionals.  (Mothers here would say that they have it hard too, their Ex-spouses have a knack for using their acting-out and manipulative PD behaviors to maximum effect, especially at first.)  So my #1 advice is to get the best initial temporary order possible.  Agreeing to "standard father minimal time" thinking it will be easy to improve it later is misguided.  Yes, you may be ordered to have less time in a temp order than you feel is right but you don't have to settle or agree to it!

A temp order hearing is usually very brief, just the bare minimum for temp custody, temp schedule,temp support, etc.  Mine was only a half hour!   Probably similar for others.  There won't be much time to get the details in, probably good to state your past history of substantial time every week, History means a lot.

I recall my magistrate asked one question, what are your work schedules?  I stated I worked a regular weekday schedule.  She stated she "worked from home".  She got temp custody and majority time despite me having a temporary protection order (she had been arrested and had a case pending against her for Threat of DV) and me having temporary possession of our home.  Sadly, that was my first lesson, despite official claims that gender means nothing, mothers often get default preference in family matters.

So, with that in mind, you would do well to emphasize your substantial parenting role.  State very clearly that you have been a very involved parent in the past and despite the parenting terms she unilaterally set since separation (with her having logistical "possession" of the children) you will continue to be a very involved father.  It may be ignored at first but be sure to get it "on the record".  Be aware that judges often try to put as little as possible on the record so they have the most flexibility (discretion) available when making orders.

If you don't get your past history at least briefly highlighted there at that initial you're likely to be stuck with an "alternate weekend dad schedule". And it may be a long time before the court realizes that you really do what to be a very involved parent and, more importantly, that it is best for the children.

Almost surely you will need a Custody Evaluation by an experienced and perceptive evaluator, one not easily conned or fooled.  Don't go for cheap or expensive, go for Good and Solid Reputation.