BPDh's insulting outlook

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

BPDh knows I'm sick of being threatening with divorce, and he's yet again in what I call his super negative, "I just want out" phase. He cycles in and out of this, back and forth from, "get the F out", to "I have a woman that really loves me, and would do anything for me, and I disrespect you so much".

I secretly think he fears abandonment, and he's still super hurt that his deceived him for a year about cheating, then left him, but made him think they were working on it. I think it's a male pride and dominance thing. HE wanted to be the one to leave her(if he ever chose to), and I think he fears I'll leave him, and he'd rather be the one saying "I'm done".

Whichever, he knows I'm super sick of having zero security, and I have outright told him that I hate how he treats me.

So, here is the part that really makes me angry, and feel insulted(which is my choice to feel that way, I'm aware): He said "why can't we just have the attitude that it just didn't work out?"... .

I feel this is a HUGE cop out, and him not taking any responsibility for what has clearly been abuse. Some physical, but mostly mental and emotional. I've worked what he considered MY issues(which were not many, and easy for me to amend), I told him that I feel he has been abusive, and very angry, and that his being unhappy is somewhat of a choice he makes. He didn't like that, of course, and then said I'm just feeling like a victim. I told him in no way do I feel like a victim, because I CHOSE to stay with him, and radically accepted that he would always have mood/behavior issues.

Has anyone else's spouse made light of wanting out, or light of their behaviors, that just clearly aren't okay? I FEEL as if he's trying to put noble intentions on, or make light of his total lack of effort. It's sort of like another slap in the face. I stayed, I modified myself for the good of the relationship(my therapist even mentioned this in yesterday's session, and she was also our marriage therapist), yet he wants to just write us off as being a bad fit? I cry foul. He'll be a bad fit with someone or alone, until he deals with his anger, rages, blame and wallowing in his unhappiness.

How best to deal with this, because it left me feeling pretty angry, and I sure can't express that to him... .

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh knows I'm sick of being threatening with divorce, and he's yet again in what I call his super negative, "I just want out" phase. He cycles in and out of this, back and forth from, "get the F out", to "I have a woman that really loves me, and would do anything for me, and I disrespect you so much".

I secretly think he fears abandonment, and he's still super hurt that his deceived him for a year about cheating, then left him, but made him think they were working on it. I think it's a male pride and dominance thing. HE wanted to be the one to leave her(if he ever chose to), and I think he fears I'll leave him, and he'd rather be the one saying "I'm done".

Whichever, he knows I'm super sick of having zero security, and I have outright told him that I hate how he treats me.

So, here is the part that really makes me angry, and feel insulted(which is my choice to feel that way, I'm aware): He said "why can't we just have the attitude that it just didn't work out?"... .

I feel this is a HUGE cop out, and him not taking any responsibility for what has clearly been abuse. Some physical, but mostly mental and emotional. I've worked what he considered MY issues(which were not many, and easy for me to amend), I told him that I feel he has been abusive, and very angry, and that his being unhappy is somewhat of a choice he makes. He didn't like that, of course, and then said I'm just feeling like a victim. I told him in no way do I feel like a victim, because I CHOSE to stay with him, and radically accepted that he would always have mood/behavior issues.

Has anyone else's spouse made light of wanting out, or light of their behaviors, that just clearly aren't okay? I FEEL as if he's trying to put noble intentions on, or make light of his total lack of effort. It's sort of like another slap in the face. I stayed, I modified myself for the good of the relationship(my therapist even mentioned this in yesterday's session, and she was also our marriage therapist), yet he wants to just write us off as being a bad fit? I cry foul. He'll be a bad fit with someone or alone, until he deals with his anger, rages, blame and wallowing in his unhappiness.

How best to deal with this, because it left me feeling pretty angry, and I sure can't express that to him... .

[Cat Familiar]

Here's your golden parachute to leave an abusive relationship and you're waiting for an apology, or maybe just an acknowledgment of his anger.

I understand that you want to improve your job prospects by attending college, but can you put up with this situation for several years? And do you have a concrete plan how your course of study will yield you a job?

He may actually mean that he's done with the relationship and his anger levels might increase if he perceives you hanging on merely to further your career prospects. What if he dumps you while you're in the middle of your studies?

It seems like an untenable position that you're in now, completely dependent upon his good will and support. In the meantime, what steps can yor take to gain your independence and autonomy?

[Lucky Jim]

I stayed, I modified myself for the good of the relationship(my therapist even mentioned this in yesterday's session, and she was also our marriage therapist), yet he wants to just write us off as being a bad fit? I cry foul. He'll be a bad fit with someone or alone, until he deals with his anger, rages, blame and wallowing in his unhappiness.

Hey CB, I suspect that's true -- that he will be a bad fit with someone else of by himself.  The sad reality is that those w/BPD have conflicts with virtually everyone they cross paths with: spouses, family, friends, bosses, landlords, teachers, etc.  The question I have is: what's in it for you?  What's the payoff?  Presumably you stay for a reason.  What is it, if you know?

It might help if you can put your finger on what makes you stay.

LuckyJim

[SamwizeGamgee]

Interesting.  I wonder what would happen if you had a separation agreement typed up and ready to go and just responded to his threat with "Yeah, I'm sorry too.  Can you sign here?"

A fair and equitable separation should leave you with rehabilitative spousal support, at least short term, to get on your own feet.

I am quietly jealous that you have a spouse that threatens divorce. 

To your question, maybe he's just done and can't or won't put in the effort to work on the marriage.  You can't force love to grow.

Nugget of street wisdom: It's the person who cares the least for the relationship who controls it.

[Cat Familiar]

BPDh knows I'm sick of being threatening with divorce, and he's yet again in what I call his super negative, "I just want out" phase. He cycles in and out of this, back and forth from, "get the F out", to "I have a woman that really loves me, and would do anything for me, and I disrespect you so much".

Re-read your first paragraph. You are demonstrating his different attitudes toward you, but what remains constant is his disrespect of you.

[Cloudy Days]

Divorce threats used to be the thing that would always make me angry, heck they still do they just happen less often. I think the only times I actually thought my husband was serious was when he said something like what your husband said. Maybe we just aren't meant to be. That phrase doesn't hurt me so much because it sounds more like a realization that neither of us are happy.

You have said that his divorce threats really hurt you but you have also said that you are ready to let go of this relationship and said that you are trying to distance yourself from him emotionally at least. He's going to notice this type of change in you, and will probably combat it with these divorce threats. I know that for my husband if he feels someone is about to push him away, he will rip the bandaid off and push them away as fast as he can, that's how they protect themselves, that's the disorder.

It sounds like you want him to take responsibility for how he has made you feel. And when he asked if the two of you could have the attitude that it just isn't a right fit you felt betrayed because you have been trying to fix it this entire time and he really hasn't. You go on to say that he wouldn't be a right fit for anyone. That's probably true so why does it hurt to hear him say it is not a right fit with you?

If you two do separate, he's not going to have the opinion that it is all his fault, he's not going to own any of it, he's most likely going to blame it all on you and then some. But to get to my point, he isn't going to be with you if you separate so why does it matter if he owns up to anything? You already know his accountability is slim to none. Why is it so hurtful that he isn't accepting accountability now when it doesn't really seem like he ever has.

[MaybeSo]

BPDh knows I'm sick of being threatening with divorce, and he's yet again in what I call his super negative, "I just want out" phase. He cycles in and out of this, back and forth from, "get the F out", to "I have a woman that really loves me, and would do anything for me, and I disrespect you so much".

The ups and downs are pretty standard symptoms, right? 

I secretly think he fears abandonment, and he's still super hurt that his deceived him for a year about cheating, then left him, but made him think they were working on it. I think it's a male pride and dominance thing. HE wanted to be the one to leave her(if he ever chose to), and I think he fears I'll leave him, and he'd rather be the one saying "I'm done".

Everyone has abandonment fears.  You do. He does.  We all do.  In high conflict couples, both usually have these fears and it's deeply seated in trauma responses so that it's acted out emotionally and w/out much awareness... .b/c anger, shame, fear etc. gets so triggered in trauma responses.

Whichever, he knows I'm super sick of having zero security, and I have outright told him that I hate how he treats me.

So, here is the part that really makes me angry, and feel insulted(which is my choice to feel that way, I'm aware): He said "why can't we just have the attitude that it just didn't work out?"... .

I feel this is a HUGE cop out, and him not taking any responsibility for what has clearly been abuse. Some physical, but mostly mental and emotional. I've worked what he considered MY issues(which were not many, and easy for me to amend), I told him that I feel he has been abusive, and very angry, and that his being unhappy is somewhat of a choice he makes. He didn't like that, of course, and then said I'm just feeling like a victim. I told him in no way do I feel like a victim, because I CHOSE to stay with him, and radically accepted that he would always have mood/behavior issues.

Instead of the looking to analyzing him which is an intellectual process that we use to support and distract ourselves from a distressing felt experience that is happening inside of us... .it may be beneficial as part of your continued growth, to sit with what about this deeply troubles you personally, w/out talking about him at all.  Just as an exercise.  When you talk about him all the time, you spin.  You externalize.  You make him the problem experientially... .and no matter what you verbally tell yourself about not slipping into the exact stuff he does... .when your focus is on him, you ARE externalizing and placing blame... .which is fine I'm sure he deserves some blame... .but any blame puts you in a helpless/hopeless position making it seem like you have no power and no ownership of this.  We think it's helping to do this but it's not, it just reinforces bad feelings of helplessness/anger/hoplessness.

A reframe could be this:  He is suggesting perhaps you two are simply not a good fit together or you just couldn't make it work together as a couple.  That is NOT easy to hear, but it's much better and much more advanced than what a lot of folks do, which is to only ever scorchingly blame the (possible) demise of a relationship 100% on their partner with no room for any other less 'blaming' interpretation at all.  He probably does that sometimes, of course, but he isn't doing that when he says gosh maybe we just can't make this work.   His suggestion that maybe you guys just can't make this work... .while hard to hear... .is NOT actually full tilt blame and is not a completely unreasonable thing for a person to say.  It's not unreasonable. 

Your response to this could be used to really explore your own deepest fears here or somewhere safe (therapist, friend etc.) about how that makes you feel, without a focus on him.  What fears come up for you?   The energy put into focusing on him and analyzing him in anger and what he's doing and what you think it means for him to say this... .distracts you from where your real power lies, which is facing your own fears that come up when he says things about wanting to end the r/s. Your sense of security comes from facing your own fears. It doesn't come from hanging onto to him in anger when he is not meeting your needs. He cannot give you a sense of security, but you can!  It comes from facing your own deepest fears.

Has anyone else's spouse made light of wanting out, or light of their behaviors, that just clearly aren't okay? I FEEL as if he's trying to put noble intentions on, or make light of his total lack of effort. It's sort of like another slap in the face. I stayed, I modified myself for the good of the relationship(my therapist even mentioned this in yesterday's session, and she was also our marriage therapist), yet he wants to just write us off as being a bad fit? I cry foul. He'll be a bad fit with someone or alone, until he deals with his anger, rages, blame and wallowing in his unhappiness.

Okay well, why don't you two argue about that?  Go in there an argue with him about it.  Or stay quiet and just burn with seething resentment about it all.  I mean, you guys ARE a bad fit in many ways or you wouldn't be here complaining about how abusive he is, right?  Abuse is a BAD FIT!

How about this... .really dig deep and hang onto yourself... .and stop the running dialogue that brings up so much anger and trauma responses in you about HIM... .and just nurture yourself until you get to the place where you can just stay curious and hang on to yourself and actually here it and not go to the places you normally go with this.  As you say, it's a choice.  His position will probably change anyway... .right?   

How best to deal with this, because it left me feeling pretty angry, and I sure can't express that to him... .

By using self soothing skills. By facing your worst fears inside with compassion and learning to self sooth through the storm.  By not pulling the threads that go straight to anger and blame.  If you could get to the point where you could stay open to what he is saying rather than go to the place that you most often go inside... .holding onto yourself and your reactions inside and out... .and move to sooth your self when you recognize that this feels scary or sad etc  Doesn't mean you have to like what is said, or agree with it, doesn't mean you have to stay with a person you state is abusive toward you!   But the place you go in your head with this... .is fueling a lot of internal anguish and negativity for YOU.  He can't control that, only you can.   Only you have the power to learn to manage where your head goes with this ... .and the best way to do that is to keep the focus on your own self soothing,  and off of him.  The security you seek comes from inside, not from him.