Broken Heart. Shattered Momma. BPD Son. 19-20 years old.

[Shelbers1]

First post here. So, hello everyone out there in cyber land. I found this site because I needed somewhere to go for advice, for guidance, for feedback, to help me understand how to best handle my son's splitting, because when he splits, he splits big, and for a very long time.

First question: How do you handle such constant defiance and rage in your face? How do you handle a closed and locked bedroom door that won't open? How do you stop them from hating you so much?

Thank you and god bless everyone here.

xoxo

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello shelbers1,

We are so glad that you found us and are sharing with us.  I can feel your pain through your words and questions. 


"How do you handle such constant defiance and rage in your face?"

For me personally, I had to build a wall in the sand and underneath it was a solid rock foundation that protected me mentally and emotionally from verbal abuse.  The wall is my boundaries and the rock foundation is my values on which my boundaries are based.  It really helped me create a safe space for myself so that I could better learn affective communication skills to deal with my child.  She was ODD, MDD, emerging BPD, anxiety, and psychotic features... .all at the age of 13.

"How do you handle a closed and locked bedroom door that won't open?"

I let it be.  A door is like a mobile boundary that says "I am taking personal space that I need".  With my d, forcing anything only made things worse.  Now I encourage her to take personal space when a heated discussion is beginning or she goes into victim mode.  I usually start with myself.  "I am going to take some space and after we both have taken some space we can come back together and discuss this again in a respectful way". 

"How do you stop them from hating you so much?"

My d used to tell me all the time "I hate you".  After much treatment and a rebuilding of our relationship she tells me she never really hated me.  She just felt such intense emotions of anger that it felt like "hate" in the moment.  That's one thing to keep in mind about our kids w/BPD... .feelings=facts to them.   

As you can see my daughter has made significant progress to the point of not being diagnosable with the disorder.  This all took place over a course of 6 years so keep the faith shelbers1, it can get better.  The most important thing I was able to do to help my daughter was to learn to take care of myself so that I could continue to be a source of support for her.  I learned all the Tools and Lessons that you see in the right side bar and I practiced them as consistently and accurately as I possibly could.

I look forward to your next message and helping you where I am able.

lbjnltx

[Shelbers1]

Thank you so so very much lbjnltx for your kind, informative and personal response. Sincerely. I am touched that you took the time to respond exactly to my questions.

And thank you for providing this safe haven for us to visit.

Love to you,

Hello shelbers1,

We are so glad that you found us and are sharing with us.  I can feel your pain through your words and questions. 


"How do you handle such constant defiance and rage in your face?"

For me personally, I had to build a wall in the sand and underneath it was a solid rock foundation that protected me mentally and emotionally from verbal abuse.  The wall is my boundaries and the rock foundation is my values on which my boundaries are based.  It really helped me create a safe space for myself so that I could better learn affective communication skills to deal with my child.  She was ODD, MDD, emerging BPD, anxiety, and psychotic features... .all at the age of 13.

"How do you handle a closed and locked bedroom door that won't open?"

I let it be.  A door is like a mobile boundary that says "I am taking personal space that I need".  With my d, forcing anything only made things worse.  Now I encourage her to take personal space when a heated discussion is beginning or she goes into victim mode.  I usually start with myself.  "I am going to take some space and after we both have taken some space we can come back together and discuss this again in a respectful way". 

"How do you stop them from hating you so much?"

My d used to tell me all the time "I hate you".  After much treatment and a rebuilding of our relationship she tells me she never really hated me.  She just felt such intense emotions of anger that it felt like "hate" in the moment.  That's one thing to keep in mind about our kids w/BPD... .feelings=facts to them.   

As you can see my daughter has made significant progress to the point of not being diagnosable with the disorder.  This all took place over a course of 6 years so keep the faith shelbers1, it can get better.  The most important thing I was able to do to help my daughter was to learn to take care of myself so that I could continue to be a source of support for her.  I learned all the Tools and Lessons that you see in the right side bar and I practiced them as consistently and accurately as I possibly could.

I look forward to your next message and helping you where I am able.

lbjnltx

[lbjnltx]

You are most welcome!

We are all here to help one another.