Pending divorce next friday... up to my pwBPD? Crazy

[Herodias]

Without going into all the detail... .I an set up for an uncontested divorce next friday on adultery. My stbx has once again changed his mind on this matter and said he does not want adultery and that he does not want to pay for the divorce. I have now given in and suggested we pay half each, just because I want this over with! He is suing me on top of it and had to pay more money for the next set of proceedings! If he doesn't agree, we will remain married for up to 5 more months depending on the courts availability. He will have to pay medical bills and insurance for me which may end up being as much or more than he has to pay now to get this over with... .He thinks he can get out of paying at all which is ridiculous! I am not paying for his adultery! There is a complication in the separation agreement that will now leave it up to the judge on what is adultery and what isn't. I am hoping that if he doesn't agree, a judge will have mercy on me and let me get divorced now... .This is just awful. I don't know what his angle is except to get out of any responsibility for his actions and to destroy me! I really am beginning to despise him now. He has a baby with his gf and they are supposedly moving out of state soon. Why would he want to put this off? He keeps lying to his own lawyer and that guy has figured it out! I hope his lawyer will want this done and to get rid of him!

[ForeverDad]

If his lawyer quits on him, then his next lawyer could ask for a continuance to have more time to review the case.  So let's hope his lawyer hangs in there until the end.

I would suggest you limit anything you agree to until a minute before you want in for the hearing to start.  Before that all you'll get is entitlement demands and waffling and more pushing.

Odds are the judge's decision or handling will be better than what stbEx would ever offer.  Let Go the stress and stressing out.  Some say, "Let Go and Let God", that is, unload your worries and frets elsewhere since worrying and fretting won't accomplish much other than twisting up your gut.

[livednlearned]

Most people going through divorce are pretty emotional. It's hard to think straight, we have to learn a whole weird system, it costs a lot of money, you are ending the contract of your relationship and meanwhile surfing the emotions of a bad break up. On top of that, with your stbx, he has a baby and a new woman, plus he's trying to disentangle from a high-conflict relationship with you. Stressful.

He may be so stressed that he cannot make heads nor tails of his decisions and the outcomes. People with BPD have labile emotions and return to baseline slowly, and when those emotions are on tilt, thinking strategically is not exactly at the fore. He sounds like someone trying to solve complicated problems while emotionally flooded. Everything else is collateral, his stuff is probably moment to moment, not five days much less five months out.

He acted impulsively (a core feature of the disorder) and made a mess for himself. He's in over his head and trying to minimize harm to himself (this is human).

What are the implications in pragmatic terms for you if the divorce happens sooner? Or later?

[Herodias]

Thank you both... .It looks like I will be able to get a divorce Friday. She now is telling me it is a clear case of adultery. She thinks she will get him to agree to not fight it. Why she didn't think it was clear when I was asking for  him to pay... .I am still wondering    Foreverdad, she has seemed to wait until the last moments to respond to him... .so I am glad you told me about that. livednlearned... .I do see he has allot on his plate, but so do I. I have a stepfather (81) in really bad physical health may need surgery soon and a mother with dementia  trying to take care of him. Things are really a mess for my sister and I trying to help get them situated and go to work. ... .I can not feel sympathy for him and his baby situation, that he got into himself. I know what you are saying about the BPD, but I just don't have it in me to feel any sympathy for him as he never showed it for me. He is the one making it high conflict and causing it to cost money. I am still curious if he really wanted this divorce or not, since he was wanting to "take a break"  and be separated,but then got her pregnant. That ended it for sure and that is good for me. That was my boundary.  He seems to be enjoying the Facebook attention he got  from the new baby at first, but that has already faded in a huge way. I don't know if they are really moving out of state or not. That he is dealing with too. Anyway, it sounds like the divorce will happen, so on one hand I am happy about it, but I am also sad that I had such a horrible marriage. My emotions are all over the place... .one minute happy, the next crying... .I wonder if he is having this at all. He is with someone, so maybe not... .but just maybe since he did not deal with the breakup appropriately, maybe he is... .I surely hope I do not see him in court, but I might. That makes me uncomfortable. I can't wait for all of this to be over with.

[livednlearned]

I know what you are saying about the BPD, but I just don't have it in me to feel any sympathy for him as he never showed it for me. He is the one making it high conflict and causing it to cost money.

At a certain point, it is no longer about sympathy, it becomes about detaching. Understanding what is happening between physiology (brain/emotions) and environment (stress) and terrible relationship skills (seeking new affair partners to soothe anxiety) can be a path to settling our own anxieties, like trying to second-guess motives and whatnot. We are often the last thing they are thinking about when flooded.

I can't wait for all of this to be over with.

It sounds like it's moving in the right direction. Gift yourself time to focus your precious time and thoughts and feelings on something deserving of your attention 

[Herodias]

I know what you are saying about the BPD, but I just don't have it in me to feel any sympathy for him as he never showed it for me. He is the one making it high conflict and causing it to cost money.

At a certain point, it is no longer about sympathy, it becomes about detaching. Understanding what is happening between physiology (brain/emotions) and environment (stress) and terrible relationship skills (seeking new affair partners to soothe anxiety) can be a path to settling our own anxieties, like trying to second-guess motives and whatnot. We are often the last thing they are thinking about when flooded.

I can't wait for all of this to be over with.

It sounds like it's moving in the right direction. Gift yourself time to focus your precious time and thoughts and feelings on something deserving of your attention 

Ok... .I am just so sad right now.

[livednlearned]

Ok... .I am just so sad right now.

I'm so sorry Herodias.  :'(

I know it seems counter-intuitive. Sometimes leaning into that sadness is what helps us heal.

It was difficult to have boundaries with him, a constant struggle. A relationship with no boundaries devolves into sadness, usually. We get too hurt, they get hurt, they seek quick fixes that usually don't solve the underlying problem. Courts can often make it worse, being essentially an adversarial system.

We stay hurt when we give away our power, and getting it back can often hurt as much as giving it away. We have to be kind to ourselves and for some reason that can be more painful than being treated badly by someone we love.

People walk through these relationship breakups and manage to heal. We can mend each other 

[Herodias]

Ok... .I am just so sad right now.

I'm so sorry Herodias.  :'(

I know it seems counter-intuitive. Sometimes leaning into that sadness is what helps us heal.

It was difficult to have boundaries with him, a constant struggle. A relationship with no boundaries devolves into sadness, usually. We get too hurt, they get hurt, they seek quick fixes that usually don't solve the underlying problem. Courts can often make it worse, being essentially an adversarial system.

We stay hurt when we give away our power, and getting it back can often hurt as much as giving it away. We have to be kind to ourselves and for some reason that can be more painful than being treated badly by someone we love.

People walk through these relationship breakups and manage to heal. We can mend each other 

Thank you... .yes, there was absolutely no having boundaries with him. I could never just walk away, he wouldn't let me. If we were fighting he followed me. I see some people who are able to go in the next room or say they will not fight... .he would over power me and no matter how I handled things with him- it did not work. I know I tried everything I could do. Good, bad and ugly... .there was nothing more I could do. Divorce is for my own protection... .Thanks for being supportive.