Been finding it hard no contact with son5

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi  Well it been a hard fight past 4 week but today she broke nc using phone I got for son... .but what she came out with blew me away. .befor the nc my son had asked mum can I phone dad she replied I've deleted your dad's number that was fine by me ... so went out got son phone. for contact only I got one too so the number was the only one contact could be made .when I dropped son off his sister came to door so I couldn't explain the reason for phone well true to form phone taken off him and turned off leaving me totally in the dark ... I made a stand that if the phone stayed off I stayed away this was the last straw I had to take the power away from her. Id allowed her to use my feeling for my son against me... .well to the  blame was put on me in full effect your a disgrace was the word she dished out what game are you playing all part of putting me down before she starts my reply was it no game and before you start I'm not taking any blame for your actions told her.  I'm pass all that she tried everything she add in the past ya son doesn't want to see you ill throw the phone in the garden even tried to draw me in with the new man stuff I kept to my plan. I said the phone was a contact number only for my son to use if he doesn't want to see me let him ring me and if he say what you have told me then feel free to throw phone. .the reply I'm not putting son tho none of that blar blar blar she got anger and turned phone off again. .it been hard but it had to be done I was a wreck and weak before I found this place. ... oh i made sure she got the message that if my son didn't see me it her actions  not mine I even offered to go pick son up from school giving the option that if he didn't want to come I'd dropped him off at her my reply. . are you mad your not picking him up. well after a few more texts of blur blur I ended the conversation with what was the point of the texts if your not letting me have him ... .well up to now I've had no reply. ... .so the blaming didn't work the guilt didn't work and the goading didn't work so back to nc for now ... Thank you all my BPD family

[Chelsea 69]

Hi  Well it been a hard fight past 4 week but today she broke nc using phone I got for son... .but what she came out with blew me away. .befor the nc my son had asked mum can I phone dad she replied I've deleted your dad's number that was fine by me ... so went out got son phone. for contact only I got one too so the number was the only one contact could be made .when I dropped son off his sister came to door so I couldn't explain the reason for phone well true to form phone taken off him and turned off leaving me totally in the dark ... I made a stand that if the phone stayed off I stayed away this was the last straw I had to take the power away from her. Id allowed her to use my feeling for my son against me... .well to the  blame was put on me in full effect your a disgrace was the word she dished out what game are you playing all part of putting me down before she starts my reply was it no game and before you start I'm not taking any blame for your actions told her.  I'm pass all that she tried everything she add in the past ya son doesn't want to see you ill throw the phone in the garden even tried to draw me in with the new man stuff I kept to my plan. I said the phone was a contact number only for my son to use if he doesn't want to see me let him ring me and if he say what you have told me then feel free to throw phone. .the reply I'm not putting son tho none of that blar blar blar she got anger and turned phone off again. .it been hard but it had to be done I was a wreck and weak before I found this place. ... oh i made sure she got the message that if my son didn't see me it her actions  not mine I even offered to go pick son up from school giving the option that if he didn't want to come I'd dropped him off at her my reply. . are you mad your not picking him up. well after a few more texts of blur blur I ended the conversation with what was the point of the texts if your not letting me have him ... .well up to now I've had no reply. ... .so the blaming didn't work the guilt didn't work and the goading didn't work so back to nc for now ... Thank you all my BPD family

[Turkish]

This sounds like a lot of drama. Is there any impact on your access to your son?

[Chelsea 69]

I've not seen him for 4 weeks now getting told he doesn't want to go with me. she has cut off all contact with him she as used him as a weapon. it hurts but I needed to back off as the conflict between us was not healthy for him I'm going down the legal system now just hope it works it way out soon.

[david]

Make sure you document everything with the phone. Spell it out in detail and make sure your attorney has it in time to prepare.

You might be able to get more time based on what is happening.

I only communicate through email so I have proof of all our communications.

[Chelsea 69]

I've saved everything that has been said between us ... A lot has happened since I put the post up I'm at a loss as to how nasty she has turned I'm hurting to a point the pain is unexplainable today I got a texts saying I could have him I replied yes and set off to get him he came running out the grabbed on of my legs with the biggest smile I've seen I put him  in the car ... as I go to get in she says can I have a quick word and like the biggest fool in the world  ever I said ok then she started telling me how she the bigger person and if I let our son down again it's my last chance ... so l replied can we not do this I've just come for s5 and turned to walk away. .what happened next I hope nobody has to go through she ran out the house grabbed hold of s5 out of the car even tho is was crying and saying no mum please and took him back into the house this is cos I didn't react to her ... .this is why I backed off its damaging to our son I' gave myself a few minutes before knocking on the door to plead with her not to do this. Her reply was he doesn't want to see you. ... I just can't get my head round how she is so blind to her actions. .so not only  didn't I get him ... the first time in 4 weeks he gets to see me she took it away unsettling him at the same time. . this has to stop as from today I'll have not more contact with her till legal advice is taken I'm heart broken. .

.

[david]

My ex did a lot of things that "surprised" me the first few years after we separated. The final straw for me was getting put in jail for two weeks for her falsely accusing me of assault. I bought a video camera and an audio recorder after that and was never physically near her without them. Since that time (2010) I have been in court quite a few times and ex has always brought up the fact that I have both recording devices and it is illegal in my state. I get yelled at by the judge for it and that had been the only consequence. One time after getting yelled at I asked the judge if I could ask a question. After a pause he said yes and I asked how could I protect myself from false allegations if I didn't have the recording devices. I got yelled at for a few more minutes but he never gave me an answer.

Prior to that I had numerous allegations all of which were false. She used alienation tactics against me with our two boys, accused me of physically abusing our youngest and had CPS investigate, accused me of stalking her and had the police involved. I have been accused a multitude of times of being physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. She filed three protection orders against me. The list goes on. However, since 2010, I haven't had any allegations against me. It's amazing how those electronic devices cured me.

I have found that having a reasonable solution to whatever my ex is taking me to court for works well in court. During the second protection order ex claimed many times that she was afraid of me whenever I came to her residence to pick up our boys. I proposed that I pick them up at school instead. The judge liked my proposal. I looked over at ex and I could tell she didn't like that idea. She agreed when the judge asked her if she had any objections. I had my atty write out the order and have the judge and both of us sign it right then and there. The next day I went to pick the boys up at school and was told by the school that ex told them I was not allowed to pick them up at school without her expressed consent. I handed them a copy of the handwritten order. They questioned it since it was handwritten. I told them to fax a copy to their legal dept. They did and ten minutes later I was driving away with both boys.

I only communicate through email so I have it all in writing. I still get lengthy emails telling me what is wrong with me. I don't respond but I do save them all. I only respond to emails that pertain to our boys.

[Chelsea 69]

Hi David     I'm beginning to think they will be no end to this I tried walking away from everything my BPD was asking. cos I new what she was trying to do .In the end it was the walking and not wanting any drama that triggered her ... and as she is dragging s5 out the car making sure s5  new it was dad fault that he couldn't go ... so Friday I get a text from BPD saying I'm a degrcase and s5 is no toy but come Sunday our s5 is ok to be a toy for her ... .but guess who gets the blame ... she is over looking that her actions are and will affect s5 I no what needs to be done and I will be starting and putting in place what I need to do to pretect  my son

[david]

Back in 2010 I dropped both boys off at their moms. I drove away and I was about 100 yards away. Our oldest, around 10 at the time, came running towards my car and I heard him calling. I stopped and he got in the car. He said I had to take him back to my place because he was not allowed to go into her place with the clothes he was wearing. They were clothes I had purchased and not the ones he was picked up with. I took him to karate and he had changed because of that. I drove him back to my place to get changed. I dropped him off. I received a call about 5 minutes later from ex. She told me she kicked our oldest out of her place and if I didn't come to pick him up she was calling the police and having them take him. I turned around to pick him up.

S10 was standing by the curb sobbing and shaking. He had his school bag and another with some of his things. I stopped the car and held him to calm him down. He eventually calmed down and I told him to get in the car so we could talk. He got in the car and as I turned around ex was standing there. She said a few unpleasant things about me. I simply stated I thought it best to leave. I turned around to close the car door and then headed towards the drivers side. When I looked at her I noticed she was on the ground. She said,"I got you now" , got up, and walked away. I went to the police station to report the incident ( big mistake ) and was arrested for assault. Domestic violence laws usually require someone to get arrested.

Had a pre trial hearing ( I forget the correct term) and my atty asked about 20 questions. Had a court stenographer type everything.

Went to court and my atty asked ex about 6 questions from the pre trial. Ex answered everyone differently. Atty pointed it out to ex and asked her why her answers were so different. Ex relied that she hadn't looked at her notes and her memory was fuzzy. I figured I was leaving soon but instead was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in jail for two weeks. When I got out I purchased the video and the audio recorder. The entire event was surreal. I no longer get surprised by anything ex says or does. I make sure I am protected.

[Chelsea 69]

That's so unreal one day I dropped son off in stuff I brought she made him take the lots off. then pass them to me .How can so many different people do the same thing in different places around the world. . I just sit down in shock at some the the things I read cos it's just like ya own experience just so glad I found this place knowing I'm not alone helps so much David  I hope we all find piece we deserve at some point

[david]

The first few years were the most difficult because I kept trying to understand/make sense of/etc her behaviors and "co parent". Jail completely reset my thinking. I react to nothing she does to me or our boys. I don't try to reason or explain. I state facts and the court order when I need to. Emails are brief, one to three sentences is best. The shorter the better. I still get lengthy emails about various things. If there is something that pertains to our boys and I think it needs a response I will respond to that and only that.

[Chelsea 69]

Hi David yes I understand everything you have said I don't react to her no more so I'm starting to see the changes in her actions  ... I did texts her after what she had done to our son I didn't get a reply until the day after not once did she mention her actions. but had the cheek to try put me down again and wait for it said we need to sort this out ... .and do what's best for s5 has this woman go no morals ... .I will no longer turn up without someone coming with me. ... It's fathers day this week and I expect all the kids will be making something at school just hope this does not damage him too much ... .mother of the year in public. ... .mmmm

[ForeverDad]

Do you have a court order that has a parenting schedule yet?  If you don't, you need one soon.  What you don't want is for Ex to block access for a long time and then when finally in court to claim that you never see son and don't try to see him.  Sadly, when it comes to custody matters, the messed up parent seldom has compunctions against making the most extreme lies possible.

If you do have a court ordered parenting schedule, then both parents are required to follow it.  Sorry, "child doesn't want to go" is not a reason to avoid exchanges.  However, it can be difficult to get sabotaged visits resolved.  Generally you need to contact the police (if the exchanges aren't at a police station).  Maybe all you can do is report the failed exchange and ask for a copy of the officer's report.  Or maybe the officer will try to call Ex and get the exchange completed.  Beware that police are reluctant to actually 'enforce' an order.  You may have to return to court with proof of the failed exchanges (generally police reports) and file for "Contempt of Court".

[david]

If you don't have a court order then get one. Judges want solutions so make sure you have a custody plan written out. Make sure it covers all the issues you are currently having and any that you can anticipate. That takes work on your part. I looked up custody plans online and took everything that helped my situation. I wrote out 14 points. The judge copied and pasted 13 of the points in our custody order. I covered every holiday for the year and rotated them year to year. That was one point. I also put one point in that handled changes to our order. All changes must be done through an email exchange. Both parties must agree in an email, once the agreement is made it can only be changed by another email exchange.

I went to pick up our youngest at her residence a while back. our order states that when I arrive I am to call her cell. She is not to pick up. When her voicemail kicks on I hang up. It works the same for her. Our son didn't come out this time and I kind of expected it from what was going on the last few days. I waited ten minutes and called again. Nothing. I called again. Nothing. I dialed 911 and explained my situation. They sent an officer out. He explained that this was a civil matter and there was nothing he could do. He said IO needed to contact my attorney. I explained that I was concerned for our sons and his moms safety since there was no response. I asked for a wellness check since they have to respond to that. As they walked to the door it miraculously opened and out came our son.

Learning to play the game takes time.

[Chelsea 69]

Thank you for the time and advice yes I've documented everything down what been said and done... I've been to the school to show my concerns and yes I'll ask for normal contact and holiday time and school holidays. ... she has not once accepted any thing she has done wrong every thing has been my fault or my doing ... .

[Chelsea 69]

Hi just a up date still not seen or had contact with s5  the pain is getting stronger every. .day I went to the school to asking about how son is got told he's  still doing ok. ... asked if they will keep me updated every was fine when I left. .after getting legal advice on how I can get  to see him. .went back to school to ask about coming to the  open assembly's but got  told she wouldn't advise that by the  headteacher  as it could upset him ... I asked what she Ment  by that she  seemed  different towards me  on this  visit  i said I would still like to see him as I've  not  seen him in weeks again she said I wouldn't advise it  I ask for her to  explain what she was saying. she said all  I say is I wouldn't advise it I kept my head and  said over and left ... now all I think about has my BPD been up to the school and said owt ... just heart broken and lost anyone  give me advise. ...

[david]

I had difficulties with elementary school because ex had told them false allegations against me. I kept showing up for things that a parent shows up for. Eventually the school figured it out.
When our oldest started middle school I realized that I was not receiving any communication from them. I went to the school and explained that I was not receiving any emails etc from them. The woman at the front desk looked something upon the computer. I could see that something wasn't right by the expression on her face. I immediately suggested that she contact the principal at his elementary school. I told her to call me afterwards to let me know what was going on. Twenty minutes later she called and said everything was straightened out. Didn't have any issues after that.
I got real good at anticipating ex's moves and just worked around or through them. The last few years she doesn't do as much as before so I consider that improvement.