Non BPD teen sibling needs help with anxiety issues

[Lollypop]

Hi

I'm not sure if the content of this post is in the right place on the forum. If not, then please move.

My non BPD S15 has tried to talk to me about how best he can deal with his anxiety issues. Normally a good student, kind of high/middle of the road grades but in a high achieving boys school.

Bit of background: . His older brother BPD25 by this point (at 15) was heavily involved in the drug culture. My S15 is aware of this and, at this current time, is adamant to stay away from drugs. Bpds25 does not seek treatment and self medicates with weed. S15 very aware of this and is mature beyond his years regarding mental health problems and drug use.

S15 has been suffering with anxiety on and off for about 9 months. BPDS25 returned home 7 months ago. S15 anxiety has started to affect him in school and there is deteriorating behaviour.

We've been into school who have been really supportive. They  know about our situation at home and they have already put things in place to help.

S15 is in fear of having BPD, was not coping well in the build up to his end of year exams and is suffering (he's always been a sporty physical boy) because he's given up all sport in the last 6 months. His anxieties are further increased by his GF who is deeply unhappy in school - this is first love and they're attached at the hip. Worryingly I think he may be having sex with GF but this is another issue.

I've been Encouraging my S15 to take up a new sport and to try the Headspace App. We've been helping him to revise as a family in the garden and this has worked very well. We've been working hard on better communication skills. He's been a LOT LOT happier and he's half way through the exams (without any problems).

Last night in the car S15told me he has opened up to a friend in school who has a a poor behaviour record. This boy told my son that he smokes weed as it helps him and that he's going to see a hypnotherapist. My S15 asked me if I thought hypnotherapy would work with anxiety. We had a talk but I've realised I wasn't really listening, I just repeated what I've been saying before and reinforced the drug message.

Clearly, my S15 is asking what can he practically do to help with his anxiety, to help him stay calm and not get to a point where he feels like exploding.

He is now seeing a counsellor in school. I'd prefer to see if this helps, together with better support from us, before escalating it and taking him to a doctor. I've tried reassuring my S15 that if I had any doubt whatsoever about him having BPD I'd take him to see a doctor.

I've sought advice from the school and our best friends who all know my S15 very well. Their opinion is that S15 is going through normal adolescence. At this point in time, I totally agree but if I see any deterioration I will take him to a doctor. Not that I've any faith in that route - NHS is just rubbish with mental health.

It's quite a balancing act I'm playing. BPds25 is convinced we are all BPD, including both of his grandfathers and he has voiced this. I've asked him to stop voicing his opinions to younger son. I'm pointing out bods25 BPD traits to provide some reassurance to the younger son so he can have a better picture. I feel this is the right approach but to be perfectly honest I'm a bit overwhelmed with the complexity of what goes on in my house.

I'm putting the questions out here on the forum.

What's appropriate for a teenage boy to learn how to cope better with stresses?

How can I best support my S15 regarding his anxiety without pandering to it?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[saphirewidow]

BPD affects the entire family and it is really common for other members of the family to struggle with anxiety and even depression.  I would not  assume it is all just "normal" adolescence because he really has had to live with extra stress.  Is there a counselor in the community you could get him into see?  Someone not at school that he could really dig into some of his worries and anxieties with?  Also a counselor may be able to help you determine if and when a doctor may be helpful  Anxiety is a terrible feeling and can escalate into depression, drug use to feel better, and feelings of hopelessness if he can't make it go away.  My son was 15 when everything started.  He had a dad with BPD, and a brother with poss bipolar or BPD... .not really sure which yet who have both passed away now but inflicted serious trauma on my son through their behaviors and their deaths.  He seemed to be doing ok until around age 15 and but then developed social anxiety at school and  became suicidal and has attempted mulitple times.  He is currently in a RTC getting DBT.  Some family therapy may also help to talk about how to cope with a pwBPD living in same household.  The drama and fear (walking on eggshells) really does affect the other people in the household.  Hang in there. I am glad he has a mom who is working with him and not discounting the anxiety he is feeling. 

[lbjnltx]

Since your son is asking about hypnosis can you tell him about self hypnosis?

Mentalization of a happy and peaceful place that he can visit anytime anywhere for any reason?  This is a form of self hypnosis, it disrupts the ruminating thoughts that cause anxiety, transports one to a different, stress free place of our own creation where we are safe, surrounded by beauty and comforted.  It works!

Also, you might want to do some research on tapping.  It works well too.

lbj

[Lollypop]

Thank you SW and LBJ

It's so very useful to hear other experiences.

Id booked a place on a 8 week mindfulness course that used meditative techniques that I was going to go to.  I offered my place to my sons, Both refused to go, even together. My BPDs25 said he wasn't ready, my S15 looked at me like I was mad. To be honest, it was an adult course and I really should have gone myself but I decided against the expense and 8 weeks ago things were going very well. Lesson learnt.

There's loads of Apps that use the self-hypnosis technique. I've tried encouraging him and even downloaded the Headspace app on his phone. It's fantastic and I know he'd love it. I'll try encouraging in a firmer tone.

I'll consider a counsellor and do some research. In the uk, this sort of thing is in its infancy and I know my husband will raise his eye brows. But I'll ignore this. I could try to find somebody who has done experience in adolescent anxieties. My BPDs25 scoffed at the idea when we talked about the idea a few weeks ago and said "he'll just lie mum: that's what I'd have done mum it's a waste of money".

I'm being played I know.

I had a bit of a melt down this morning with H. I read out my post and spoke of my current fears regarding BPDs25 using cocaine (an unwarranted fear I might add). My fear grows sometimes after an open adult communication with my adult son. Yeah it's great to have such good communication but I think I'd rather not know what's going on in the local pub.

My H blew his stack. We talked it through and he can see I was just looking for support and reassurance. To be completely honest, my H just isn't resilient enough and isn't coping himself.

So here I am on the forum for my support. I know this is common.

Thanks again for sharing and your advice. I've never heard of tapping but will look into this too

L

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY LOLLYPOP:

  . My S15 asked me if I thought hypnotherapy would work with anxiety.       

I think I came out of the womb anxious,   Both my parents were anxious, but my dad is the parent I would call disordered. (then there is my uBPD sister )

I can really relate to anxiety in a school situation and just anxiety in general.  I've tried it all at one time or another: Nature Sounds, Hypnosis, Transcendental Meditation and more recently Guided Meditation.  I found them all to be helpful.  Have your son go to YouTube and do a search for  meditations for anxiety (he can, also, search for hypnosis for stress or guided meditation for stress)   I had a bit of fun searching for and listening to various free guided meditations or hypnosis dialogs.  I bookmarked several that I liked.  Your son will have his own preferences for what is soothing to him: female voice, male voice, accent or no accent, tone of voice, etc).  Most of them have video as well. So, you can watch and listen or just listen.  I generally just listen with my eyes closed.

I found a little free online tool to download the audio and/or video from the YouTube meditations to my computer.  I then, uploaded them to my Ipad.  You could load them onto an iphone as well & I'm sure there is a way to do the same with with an Android phone.  By loading the meditation files onto my Ipad, I don't have to have an Internet commection to listen to them.

Here is the link to the free software that you can use to download the YouTube files:

www.clipconverter.cc/

Your son could just listen/view the files via YouTube directly (as long as he has an Internet connection).  I liked the benefit of having access to meditation files without the Internet (don't have to deal with a possible slow connection).  I purchased some of the Ipad meditation apps, but I liked the ones I found on YouTube  better.  Some of the creators of the meditations have websites.  I did end up purchasing a few inexpensive meditations from a couple of the creator's websites.

It could be a fun project for your son.  I even got a little app/software I could use to edit some of the audio files to make a shorter version of something, or to add portions of various files together.  Nice to have a short version of something to fit into lunch or a break.

Here is a link to 3 breathing exercises.  They can be a good anxiety tool you can use anywhere (I like the 4-7-8 one):

www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Sorry if I gave you too much information, or got too technical.  Maybe something I wrote here might appeal to your son.

[Lollypop]

Hi there NN

this is exactly what's needed for him right now. It's accessible, searchable and interactive plus he seems to prefer YouTube to anything else - he doesn't game (strangely as I thought all teens do).

I didn't know about the software to download from YouTube so can use this myself. Great tip!

I made so many mistakes with my eldest adult BPD son and the biggest wasn't giving him responsibility for himself and not allowing him to find solutions to his problems.

I know I have changed because the old me would have torn in like a whirlwind and already have taken action. I'd have booked a therapist, seen a doctor and have a string of new sport sessions (that I thought would be good for him), so controlling but always with the best intentions. I just want my kids to be happy and understand now that I can't do that - they aren't small children any more. Life was far easier then.

As I'm learning (dear me, sssoo much to learn) I realise the importance of self help. The school are helping him, we are helping him but actually he needs to help himself. At 15 I totally understand that I just can't leave him rudderless and he needs pointing in the right direction.

as the old saying goes "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink".

I'm sorry to hear that anxiety has been a lifelong battle. I researched last night and found a local therapeutic service that provide counselling and creative play therapy. I was amazed that this was even available, where I live is rural England. It heartens me to think young children can be helped early to help prevent a lifelong problem.

I'm interested that you've found an approach that works for you and that you also found the other therapies helpful. I guess it really is a scatter gun approach and trial and error. I presume you've also gone down the meds route too. We're all unique and its finding out what works.

I wonder if you've ever read the book The Chimp Paradox: The Mind Management Programme. I got this year's ago and didn't read all the book and didn't do the programme! However, it did explain to me in a way that I can understand - how we make decisions, even when knowing that the decision is the wrong one (like staying in bed for that extra five minutes knowing you'll then miss your bus to get to work).  I'm sure that there's many more modern and effective approaches but this book was interesting as it was so basic in its descriptions.

But anxiety isn't a decision, it isn't a choice.

If you haven't seen the series already "The Brain with David Eagleman" you may want to. It was on BBC 4. He's a neuroscientist and it explains how we feel and think we do. It's excellent. Unfortunately it's not available on iplayer but maybe on the Internet?.

Thanks again NN

L

[Naughty Nibbler]

Lollypop:

Let us know how things go with your son.  It was very mature of him to ask you about tools to tame his anxiety. 

A lot of the lessons/tools on this website aren't necessary limited to use with people with personality disorders.  I think most of them are good for emotional intelligence, something that can be more important than IQ.  Just think of the advantage to be proficient in emotional tools early on in life.  Too bad it isn't an educational requirement.

Thanks for the recommendations on the book and TV show.

Best wishes