Daughter nearly killed

[Parents! Get help here!]

 

My 22 year old dd who has been in hospital for the last 6 months or so.

She met a 40 year old man in there about 5 months ago, she fell in love with him and said he made her happy. I didn't say a lot.

I soon realised he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He had issues with anger.

I worried that if she tried to break up with him he may get too angry and goodness knows what may happen.

The other night I got a call from my dd at  3.30am I didn't answer as I was asleep, when I saw that she called me the next morning, I was worried that she was in danger that night.

She turned out to be fine.

She had led me to believe she was not going out with him.

A few days ago, the phone rang at 11 pm, it was the Police, they told me she had been attacked and was going to be taken to hospital.

They rushed her to a trauma unit about 30 minutes away with a suspected fractured skull

He had picked her up and thrown her across the restaurant, then when she was unconscious, he kept kicking her in the head.

She must have come round and ran to her home nearby, then tried to kill herself.

Police broke down the door and called the ambulance.

I feel so upset, but what can I do about being so upset. That night when I eventually got to bed, I kept imagining this man doing that to her, I wanted to cry but I couldn't.

Where will it all end, what about me, if I don't deal with my emotions I may have a breakdown.

I ask myself, will it happen again, then I say no. But I know it will.

This was a near miss. I never worried about her being killed, only her suicide or ending up on the streets.

She was fine for about two days, now she is in bits. Fortunately she is in hospital in the MH unit. She was an inpatient there on leave when this happened.

Sometimes I think my daughter sounds a lot worse than most others with BPD I worry her prognosis is so bad

She has done a year of DBT too.

[heronbird]

 

My 22 year old dd who has been in hospital for the last 6 months or so.

She met a 40 year old man in there about 5 months ago, she fell in love with him and said he made her happy. I didn't say a lot.

I soon realised he was an alcoholic and a drug addict. He had issues with anger.

I worried that if she tried to break up with him he may get too angry and goodness knows what may happen.

The other night I got a call from my dd at  3.30am I didn't answer as I was asleep, when I saw that she called me the next morning, I was worried that she was in danger that night.

She turned out to be fine.

She had led me to believe she was not going out with him.

A few days ago, the phone rang at 11 pm, it was the Police, they told me she had been attacked and was going to be taken to hospital.

They rushed her to a trauma unit about 30 minutes away with a suspected fractured skull

He had picked her up and thrown her across the restaurant, then when she was unconscious, he kept kicking her in the head.

She must have come round and ran to her home nearby, then tried to kill herself.

Police broke down the door and called the ambulance.

I feel so upset, but what can I do about being so upset. That night when I eventually got to bed, I kept imagining this man doing that to her, I wanted to cry but I couldn't.

Where will it all end, what about me, if I don't deal with my emotions I may have a breakdown.

I ask myself, will it happen again, then I say no. But I know it will.

This was a near miss. I never worried about her being killed, only her suicide or ending up on the streets.

She was fine for about two days, now she is in bits. Fortunately she is in hospital in the MH unit. She was an inpatient there on leave when this happened.

Sometimes I think my daughter sounds a lot worse than most others with BPD I worry her prognosis is so bad

She has done a year of DBT too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Naughty Nibbler]

heronbird:

 

This was a near miss. I never worried about her being killed, only her suicide or ending up on the streets.

She was fine for about two days, now she is in bits. Fortunately she is in hospital in the MH unit. She was an inpatient there on leave when this happened.

I'm so very sorry for the chain of events, how horrible for both you and your daughter   At least, for the moment, she is in a safe place.

Sometimes I think my daughter sounds a lot worse than most others with BPD I worry her prognosis is so bad She has done a year of DBT too.

Are you able to discuss her case with her psychologist/psychiatrist?  My understanding is that the degree of BPD and the symptoms/behavioral issues can vary a bit from person to person.

If they try meds, that can be a trial and error situation.  For example, people with depression commonly end up trying various meds to find one or a combo of a couple that work for them.

It would be nice if they could just take a blood test and discover how to treat a patient with mental illness. (kind of like checking the fluids in a vehicle)

Some one more skilled then me can likely offer you better information.

         

I feel so upset, but what can I do about being so upset. That night when I eventually got to bed, I kept imagining this man doing that to her, I wanted to cry but I couldn't.  Where will it all end, what about me, if I don't deal with my emotions I may have a breakdown.

Is there anything in particular that you have used in the past to manage stress?

(exercise, music, warm bath with some essential oils, some deep breathing exercises, mindful meditation, guided meditation or TM meditation).  If you go to YouTube, you can search for meditation for stress and you will find several to choose from.

When I'm really stressed, I find that some exercise generally reduces the intensity of anxiety.  Maybe a nice brisk walk?

Some therapy would be helpful.  If you don't have a therapist, you might want to check in with your doctor and ask for some help.

For some immediate relief, here is a link to 3 breathing exercises that could be helpful.  They can be a good anxiety tool you can use anywhere (I like the 4-7-8 one):

www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

[Bright Day Mom]

Heron Bird, I am sorry you are going thru this with your daughter.  What a traumatic event to have contend with. You probably feel so lucky that your d is alive / survived such brutality! 

She is safe in the hospital unit, hopefully you will be able to keep her and "boyfriend" apart so she can begin to heal and process with the professionals.

You may not be able to cry as this is a  tremendous amount of information to process and you may be in shock.  Not to get too personal, but if you aren't already, I would recommend counseling.  We parents have to take care of ourselves too, talking with friends, taking an exercise class, etc. 

Please know there are a lot of caring people here.

[seekinglight]

I remember you   our daughters were the same age. I know you have been through all the services you could find for your daughter.

I signed in again to give you transatlantic assurance that you are a loving woman doing the utmost she can in an impossible situation. This illness is a relentless beast that devours our children and those that love them.

The horror of realizing what your daughter went through, and fearing it will happen again.  

I have no wisdom, only loving empathy.

[qcarolr]

Oh Heronbird, my heart is with you as are my prayers. I have known you from the first time you logged in here at bpdfamily. I am so glad you have come seeking understanding and comfort. Wish I could reach out and hold you.

Who do you have to talk with? Someone you can lean on a bit right now. This is an extremely stressful situation. The assault then the suicide attempt. She must be in so much emotional pain as well as the physical injuries.

You do all you can for your precious D. I get it. It is so hard to accept the scary situations my own DD gets herself into, though none of this magnitude. While your DD is in the care of the hospital how can you get some care for yourself? If you can get in with a counselor, maybe that would be a good thing too.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how things are going for both you and your DD.

qcr Carol

[heronbird]

Hi,

I always love this forum. I have recommended it to so many people, you are all so lovely.

Thank you for your lovely messages.

Actually, I don't really have anyone to talk to properly. I have my dh and other adult children. My oldest daughter age 27 is a psych nurse. She is very helpful to talk to.

I guess I have a few other friends too.

18 months ago I myself had a break down. I think its because I was always the strong one! then it all built up, plus the fact I was 50, I got pre menopause,  and all my kids grew up and three of them had left home. I miss them being little.

I understand how it is to have BPD now. I was petrified I had BPD for a while back then haa.

Not funny, but I wondered did God let this happen to me to show me what my dd goes through every day. I didn't need to feel it to know it haa.

I'm ok now, but I guess not very surprising. Its not good to try to be the strong one, I realise that now, I need to be upset, I need to cry. But I just cant, its weird.

Anyway, she is alive, and I am relieved even though I wondered for a short while if she would have some sort of brain damage.

What an evil man to throw her across the room then keep kicking her in the head while unconscious, she can pick them cant she.

I cant be angry with him as I know she may have part of the blame and she was warned many times. She just wouldn't listen.

Now, in hospital, I'm sure this older man is trying to groom her, but the staff are on to him and keep telling him to back off. My dd thinks hes just being friendly. Hasn't she learnt.

What I don't get is, she did a year of intensive inpatient DBT. Yet she is worse, shes gone back 5 years.

Self harm everywhere, that's new. She wasn't a big self harmer, and hadn't self harmed for 3 years at all.

Shes bashed all her face up, bruises and bumps all over her face, so sad. That's a new thing too.

She is safe and in hospital for now. lets hope she settles.

The man has been arrested but out on bail for now.

My dd has been warned if she befriends him again, she will loose her lovely home. She cant bring him back to the home.

she says she would never ever see him again.

I am not convinced!

For those of you who remember me,

Ive just been too busy to post, I also keep forgetting.

My dds son is 3 now, seems to have delay or maybe Autism, he is being tested for such things, but he is sweet and I do get to see him quite a bit now. He loves cuddles and just recently says grandma. Well actually I want to be called Glam ma. so he will have to learn that next haa.

My daughter is detached a lot from him, she loves to see him but only for short times and he stresses her out a lot.

Thank you for being there for me, you all really really get it, its so nice

[qcarolr]

Heronbird, thanks for the update on your life. I am so glad you get to spend time with your grandson.

Even though your D kept meeting up with the guy who hurt her, he must carry the full blame for hurting her. I hope your legal system follows through on this. It is OK for you to be angry with him, though I hear your frustration with your DD's choices.

Hope to hear back from you now and then with how things are going.

qcr Carol