uBPD husband, bursts of rage, and lupus

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 children together (ages 8,5,2). I've always suffered from strange health problems, fatigue being number one and constant sicknesses (had shingles twice a few years ago- and I'm only 34) So I had some blood work done recently and it's all indicative of Lupus. We just found out a week ago and I have an appt with a rheumatologist next month. I'm very very exhausted all the time, sore, just not well.

So there's this family reunion camping trip he had planned (it's his family) months ago. I'm in a nasty flare and not well. (Oh I forgot to mention my mother is living with us- she's disabled and on ssi) He pressured me into going. I told him I don't feel well, I can't manage camping out with 3 kids right now, let alone the 6 hr drive up there and the fact that I have to pee like 3-6 times a night (we are concerned about my kidneys at this point) Upon telling him that I decided to stay home, he tells me, "Just lay there and DIE then!" I thought about it, he kept cajoling me and guilt tripping me about how I will be denying my children memories with their mom, so I gave up. I consented and went along.

Big mistake. I was exhausted to begin with. Apparently his family kept asking him what's wrong with me (he later told me this "is embarrassing" Ironically enough, everyone up there was very loving and compassionate about me having lupus and what I am going thru.

Fast fwd to that night. We had a campsite next to a major road, semi trucks going by all night, the wind was crazy flapping our tent every which way, I got NO sleep (neither did he) I almost started crying come morning, begging to go home. I couldn't take another night of this "roughing it" (I hate camping to begin with) He was sad about it but agreed, we packed everything up.  All was fine until about 20 min into the 6 hr drive he starts acting up, getting angrier and angrier. Says he hates his life, didn't want his fathers life (his mom had fibromyalgia and couldn't camp) says someone at camp told him lupus is "90% mental" the I'm not really that sick, that this is my fault, I should have taken better care of my body, how embarrassed he is of me up there, how he wish he would have known all this before marrying me. On the verge of tears, I ask him what I should do? I've already changed my diet (cut out gluten, dairy) and have appointments scheduled with specialists. He says, "Jump off a cliff and die." Another driver tail gating us prompted my husband to reach for his pistol, scaring the ___ out of me and the kids in the car. I threatened to call the police. He says "Go ahead. I'm an ass anyway, remember?"

By he time we pulled up at home, I was shaking from stress and exhaustion. He throws a paperback book at me before going inside alone and running to his room to hide, leaving me to unpack the truck and manage all 3 kids alone.

I cried with my mom, who thank God helped me with the kids.

This morning he is all apologies and so sorry and what a dick he is, blah blah blah.

We sleep in seperate rooms, and for good reason. I think I have PTSD from his "episodes" He tried to hug me and apologize but I literally feel nothing but disgust for him. His behavior and narcissistic attitude disgusts me. He even started crying, saying how sorry he is.

I told him to quit apologizing and get some help. Apologies mean nothing to me. I've heard em before.

I feel trapped in this relationship. I'm a stay at home mom who now has lupus with 3 small kids to take care of, my mom now living with us, and a husband who has borderline tendencies. His mom has full blown BPD, his dad is a Narcissist. He has no healthy template for intimacy or respect or compassion .

I'm just done. Help me?

[flower211]

My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We have 3 children together (ages 8,5,2). I've always suffered from strange health problems, fatigue being number one and constant sicknesses (had shingles twice a few years ago- and I'm only 34) So I had some blood work done recently and it's all indicative of Lupus. We just found out a week ago and I have an appt with a rheumatologist next month. I'm very very exhausted all the time, sore, just not well.

So there's this family reunion camping trip he had planned (it's his family) months ago. I'm in a nasty flare and not well. (Oh I forgot to mention my mother is living with us- she's disabled and on ssi) He pressured me into going. I told him I don't feel well, I can't manage camping out with 3 kids right now, let alone the 6 hr drive up there and the fact that I have to pee like 3-6 times a night (we are concerned about my kidneys at this point) Upon telling him that I decided to stay home, he tells me, "Just lay there and DIE then!" I thought about it, he kept cajoling me and guilt tripping me about how I will be denying my children memories with their mom, so I gave up. I consented and went along.

Big mistake. I was exhausted to begin with. Apparently his family kept asking him what's wrong with me (he later told me this "is embarrassing" Ironically enough, everyone up there was very loving and compassionate about me having lupus and what I am going thru.

Fast fwd to that night. We had a campsite next to a major road, semi trucks going by all night, the wind was crazy flapping our tent every which way, I got NO sleep (neither did he) I almost started crying come morning, begging to go home. I couldn't take another night of this "roughing it" (I hate camping to begin with) He was sad about it but agreed, we packed everything up.  All was fine until about 20 min into the 6 hr drive he starts acting up, getting angrier and angrier. Says he hates his life, didn't want his fathers life (his mom had fibromyalgia and couldn't camp) says someone at camp told him lupus is "90% mental" the I'm not really that sick, that this is my fault, I should have taken better care of my body, how embarrassed he is of me up there, how he wish he would have known all this before marrying me. On the verge of tears, I ask him what I should do? I've already changed my diet (cut out gluten, dairy) and have appointments scheduled with specialists. He says, "Jump off a cliff and die." Another driver tail gating us prompted my husband to reach for his pistol, scaring the ___ out of me and the kids in the car. I threatened to call the police. He says "Go ahead. I'm an ass anyway, remember?"

By he time we pulled up at home, I was shaking from stress and exhaustion. He throws a paperback book at me before going inside alone and running to his room to hide, leaving me to unpack the truck and manage all 3 kids alone.

I cried with my mom, who thank God helped me with the kids.

This morning he is all apologies and so sorry and what a dick he is, blah blah blah.

We sleep in seperate rooms, and for good reason. I think I have PTSD from his "episodes" He tried to hug me and apologize but I literally feel nothing but disgust for him. His behavior and narcissistic attitude disgusts me. He even started crying, saying how sorry he is.

I told him to quit apologizing and get some help. Apologies mean nothing to me. I've heard em before.

I feel trapped in this relationship. I'm a stay at home mom who now has lupus with 3 small kids to take care of, my mom now living with us, and a husband who has borderline tendencies. His mom has full blown BPD, his dad is a Narcissist. He has no healthy template for intimacy or respect or compassion .

I'm just done. Help me?

[Cat Familiar]

I am so sorry you've got so much to deal with. Your husband certainly says some brutal things.

I wish I had something helpful to say, but the only thing I can advise is to totally listen to your inner voice and care for yourself. No matter what your husband might say, you need to ignore any pressure from him and do exactly what you need to be healthy. You've got three children who depend upon you.

If you can manage it, please find a therapist you're comfortable with. It has really helped me to "de-stress" myself, living with a borderline husband.

 

[formflier]

First of all,    .

Dealing with health problems is tough. 

Dealing with health problems with a BPD spouse is next to impossible, unless, you learn to focus your limited energy in ways that uphold your boundaries.

I'm a 100% disabled vet.  My wife's "core issue" is centered around some sort of paranoia thing.  So, she is somehow paranoid that I am faking it to have an easy life.

When I got disabled plates for my vehicle (to use handicapped parking), I thought she was going to pass out.  I ignored it.

Pardon me if I don't totally understand lupus, but my limited understand says that you can't tell that you have it just by looking at you, corrrect?  So you look like a normal human, and it is reasonable to assume you can do normal human things.  Again, please correct if I am wrong.

I say this to get you to sometimes look at the way the world looks at you.  Have empathy for people that may not understand.  (to a point, )

If you looked at me, on most days you would think my "gait" (the way I walk) is perhaps a bit off.  But you would see what appears to be a 240ish lb 6 foot 2 guy that should be pretty strong and able to do things.  And the truth is, I am able to do a lot.  But, when arthritis starts acting up, or nerves start acting up and shooting pain down a leg (or any number of other lovely things, I have several "smaller" disabilities) I need to quit.  You just have to take my word for it that I'm in pain.

Or, I can keep going, and then pay for it for a few days afterwords.

And, no, I can't predict if in 7 days I will be able to do a bunch of physical labor. 

OK, enough about me, but hopefully you understand that we are similar in that we look normal but our health issues regularly kick our ass and we have a partner that is not supportive.

That really sucks,

Boundaries:

1.  zero disrespect or doubt allowed about issues.  Conversation stops and ONLY resumes when respect comes back.

(I'll try to find a link about how I do this.  But my most recent one was when my wife shrugged her shoulders and asked "what's the big deal about being disabled, just get a job" (or something like that).  I ended up taking her home rather than taking her to a nice dinner.  She claimed I was being "sinful" but I didn't back down and I made sure to be "kind but firm".

2.  Realize that you have limited energy and that's ok.  Say no without apology.  When you are "up in the air", say that you will "do your best".  Do not listen to grief about saying no.

Advice:


1.  Encourage your husband to do things like camp with the kids without you. 

2.  Every so often mention your stuff to your kids, but only in a matter of fact way.  No grief or pitty party from kids.  You are not a victim.

More later,

FF

[flower211]

First of all, thank you for the hugs and encouragement.

Yes, lupus is a disease that is unseen. I look very healthy and "normal". My bloodwork tells a different story, as does my energy levels and pain.

I think the number one thing for me to do right now is exactly what

I am doing: reach out for support from understanding others.

I don't think I can do this alone.

That being said, I know deep down I am stronger than I know, and it's a struggle to not fall into the "pity party" trap, as grief over this is a real thing.

I know my uBPD spouse is tackling all this, as well. It's just that instead of hugging me and agreeing to work through this trial together, he turns on me and projects all his hurt and rage and sorrow onto me. This puts soo much more stress and pain on my body, not to mention my heart.

Which, at this point, my heart is encrusted with a shell of ice. I feel nothing for him but disgust and contempt. I don't understand how anyone could treat the person they love the way he treats me when he's triggered. And being stuck in a car for 6 hrs listening to his diatribes was pure hell!

How do we move on and forgive this person? How can trust be rebuilt when it is destroyed time and time again?

[formflier]

Thanks for the good response post.  I think I know which direction I should nudge you in. 

Yes, lupus is a disease that is unseen. I look very healthy and "normal". My bloodwork tells a different story, as does my energy levels and pain.

I want to suggest a three pronged approach.  Think three legs to a stool.  What happens if you remove one leg, yep, disaster.  All the legs should be about the same length.

1st  leg:  bpdfamily.  Soak up knowledge and have an understanding place you can go "be real" with people that get it.

2nd leg:  Professional therapy

3rd leg:  Network of friends and family.  Note:  Probably good to minimize BPD talk with them.  Focus on building strong relationships.



Your number 1 skill you MUST master is boundaries.  Some links below

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368

I think the number one thing for me to do right now is exactly what

I am doing: reach out for support from understanding others.

I don't think I can do this alone.

Support is great.  The goal of support is to learn to do it alone.  Get stronger.  Then your support is a bonus, not a necessity.

I know my uBPD spouse is tackling all this, as well. It's just that instead of hugging me and agreeing to work through this trial together, he turns on me and projects all his hurt and rage and sorrow onto me. This puts soo much more stress and pain on my body, not to mention my heart.

OK, deep breath.  I am not blaming you.  It is not your fault.  But it is your responsibility to stop allowing his projections to "reach you"  He gets to chose what he projects.  You get to chose if you listen.  In other words.  Take your ears somewhere else.  Unapologetically.

Which, at this point, my heart is encrusted with a shell of ice. I feel nothing for him but disgust and contempt. I don't understand how anyone could treat the person they love the way he treats me when he's triggered. And being stuck in a car for 6 hrs listening to his diatribes was pure hell!

Your feelings are real.  Don't run from them.  Turn them into healthy action.  Once you realize and practice boundaries and realize you can take back your life, you will get more hope.   Hope is the key.

How do we move on and forgive this person? How can trust be rebuilt when it is destroyed time and time again?

Give this time.  Learn tools.  Revisit this issue in 6 months.

FF

[flower211]

 

Thank you, Formflier. Good solid advice. I need this.

[formflier]

 

You are quite welcome!   

As we get to know each other, please understand I'm a pretty direct person.   Don't be shy to come right out and say you are overwhelmed, feeling blamed, or just need another virtual hug or virtual empathy.

My goal is not to blame, but to point out that you (and only you) are responsible for your choices.

I used to be totally ticked at my wife for snooping in my email and taking my digital records/content.  I thought it was her fault (and sort of it was).  But looking at me as not a victim, as the only person responsible for me, and some radical acceptance that my wife is a boundary crosser and a snooper (and is not going to change), brought me to the point to unapologetically take control of my stuff. 

Wife was pissed, I survived my first extinction burst, but then I had hope.  Because the tools worked, just like they were supposed to.

So, it wasn't my fault that my wife snooped.  But I was (and am) responsible for safeguarding things that are precious to me.

Do you see the difference?  How would that work out in your relationship?

Couple other questions.

How many years has it been since you have been in good or "average" health?

Give me details about what you do for your current medical care.

Give me details about what you do for self care and to take care of your mental health.

You are in the right place.   bpdfamily has made a huge difference in my life.  I also have had many great therapists and currently see a PhD type Psychologist weekly.  Granted, current focus is more on how I parent my kids, but a good T is a wonderful thing.  I'm also building a solid network of friends (I moved a to new location a few months ago).  People that I enjoy being around and feel "recharged" after talking to them.  I don't really involve my friends in my r/s drama/issues although some of them appear to be the type I could call on if I need them.

Hang in there.  I can get better.  You can get to a place where you can forgive your husband, perhaps even have empathy for him.

The sucky part is realizing that you are going to have to make most of the hard decisions because he can't, he simply doesn't have the emotional skils/tools to do so.  That's the "facing the facts" part.

FF

[flourdust]

Does he often threaten to shoot people? That is FAR from normal or safe.

[flower211]

My health:

I've had these health issues for years- over a decade, looking back- but could never fit the pieces together. Until my husband forced me to go in and see my PCP and tell him how exhausted I am, how a I pee way more than normal (like sometimes 6+ times an hr, on bad days- unofficially diagnosed with interstitial cystitis) I mentioned lupus, he tested me for it. My blood work came back all indicative positive of lupus and I have been referred to a rheumatologist whom I am scheduled to see next month.

In the mean time, I am currently so exhausted and in pain (muscle aches, joint pain) that I'm in bed all day most of the day (this episode this weekend really put me on my butt)

I'm terrified of this diagnosis while at the same time relieved to maybe get some real treatment and options, maybe I have a chance at "normal". I'm battling with the grief and depression that accompanies a chronic autoimmune disease.

I am in therapy, doing EMDR treatments for PTSD and anxiety (a LOT of which is related to my dealings with my husband and his family over the years)

I go to Adult Children Of Alcoholics and dysfunctional families every Friday night to meet with other people who struggle with self love and boundaries.

I've read books in BPD and boundaries, but most of them pertaining to my mother in law and dealings with her, not my spouse. I have long suspected he has these traits, as have therapists of mine in the past. To give you an idea, he has killed 2 of my cats in the course of our marriage (he claims it was because they were sick, which was true, but we have veterinarians these days) Honestly, when he cracks like this, he terrifies me. When he's not being an a**hole (which isn't often, like every other month or less) he's my best friend. It's hard to reconcile the two, maybe I am crazy? Who knows.

He has sworn to seek a therapeutic relationship and get treatment, but I'm not holding my breath. Besides, his life, HIS responsibility. One thing I HAVE learned in therapy is to detach and ask: what do I need to do to take care of myself?

I am learning and struggling to practice this, but it takes time and effort. Right now I feel devoid of effort as the lupus is really dragging me down.

I miss my old therapist, my new one is ok but doesn't really click with me like my old one did, but health insurance won't cover her anymore.

I'm very grateful for forums like this and people who reach out and care for one another, especially when they are down, which I am now.

[flower211]

Flourdust:

No. He doesn't often point guns at people (well, moving vehicle, in this case)

A bit of background: about a year ago, he was driving to work and this dude road him from behind, literally pushed his bumper on the highway behind him because my husband wasn't going fast enough for this guy. My husband called the police, and this incident really freaked him out. He told me in the car that if that person in the SUV yesterday had hit us (he was thisclose) he would have shot him.

Still, just because a I understand his reasoning? Doesn't make it any less frightening for me or the 3 children in the backseat. :/

[formflier]

Does he often threaten to shoot people? That is FAR from normal or safe.

Interesting what we each pick up on.  I'm so used to my wife saying outrageous things that I ignore them with her, and with other posters.

FF

[formflier]

Two other quick comments.

Does he have a farming background at all?  Not to be insensitive here, but I have "put down" lots of animals, I'm not going to pay the vet bill and I know how to do it.  I have also taken some to the vet over the years, it kinda depends on the situation. 

Some people could see this comment about the cats and freak or others could shrug and potentially pass this off as no big deal (since cats were sick).

I would look into this further 

Is there any history of abuse or killing normal healthy animals?

Issue 2

Boundaries apply to everyone    Boundaries are for you.

A boundary that only applies to your pwBPD would be a bad or unhealthy boundary.

Case in point.  I don't listen to emotional woman that start cussing.  Granted, this is mainly my wife.  Several months back my mom got pissed off and started cussing.  (this is very unusual for her)

What shocked me is that I turned and walked away.  Later, I posted about it here, that my "boundary" activated and I walked away.  Once they are on auto-pilot, you have energy you can apply to other things.

I'm hoping you can get relief at the doctor.    Have you had a full blood workup.  Not just test for certain things. 

I ask because it would seem you are not in the habit of going to dr yearly.  Have you had a full, head to toe workup?

FF

[SingOn]

He told me in the car that if that person in the SUV yesterday had hit us (he was thisclose) he would have shot him.

Still, just because a I understand his reasoning? Doesn't make it any less frightening for me or the 3 children in the backseat. :/

This is beyond frightening -- a person who is prone to rages and is carrying a pistol and making threats like this is NOT safe!  I see lots of good advice on this thread, but I would find a way to get the gun out of his control as part of your plan. All the good advice in the world won't matter if he uses that gun. You and your children shouldn't have to live with fear like that!

[flourdust]

He threatens to kill people and has the means to do so.

He's killed your animals.

These aren't just red flags; these flags are on fire.

Could he be a sociopath?

[flourdust]

Does he often threaten to shoot people? That is FAR from normal or safe.

Interesting what we each pick up on.  I'm so used to my wife saying outrageous things that I ignore them with her... .and with other posters.

Yes, BPD threats are common. But a threat made with an actual weapon in hand and a plan for carrying it out is a whole different level.

I agree with your thoughts about the cats.

[flower211]

Ok, first off: All the comments about my husband being a sociopath and getting rid of guns in the house is NOT helping me at all. I've been with him for almost 20 years and I can tell you he isn't going to shoot anyone.

Also, he did grow up on a farm and yes, that's how they did things. It's not how I grew up, so... .yeah.

The things I am coming to realize is that he has these triggers and there is not much I can do to stop that. He's making an appt to see a psychologist asap and get treatment (hopefully with someone experienced in DBT)

In the mean time, I'm trying to keep my stress levels as low as possible because lupus loves it when I freak out. So, please: stop. The sky isn't falling.

I'm not in any danger right now and neither are our kids.

That being said, it doesn't take away his proclivities nor my need for emotional support in handling them.

I love this man. Despite his temper and yes, he scares the crap out of me when he blows up like that, but in between these times (I know I sound so cliche, like the abused wife) he's my closest friend. But these... .outbursts/loss of control causes me to lose trust in him. It's gonna take lots and lots of therapy and progress in therapy for me to trust him again.

He grew up in a very chaotic home. His mom physically and verbally abused him, as did his oldest brother. There was no love in that home.

I am pretty much the opposite of that environment. Our kids are very loved and I strive to make our home as peaceful as possible, which is why when these episodes occur, it's very disturbing.

And he sees it. He KNoWS how f*cked up he is. I don't think I've ever seen him break down and cry in realization of how dysfunctional his behavior can be when he flips like that.

It doesn't excuse it, and I'm still hurt by it. But I get it.

That's why I'm here on this board.

I'm hoping there are others on here who also love someone who is broken inside, and tries not to cut themselves on their broken pieces.

I must be strong and healthy and whole if I'm going to give our children a stable home environment, which is HIS goal as well as mine.