How should the new..improved FF act/react to this situation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Honest question here.

We were supposed to have devotions at 0730 and then leave for fun day trip at 0830.  I have a business/employment meeting that is getting worked in there and was driving the schedule and counseling later today.

When I went to bed last night my wife was up watching tv and had some kids up.  I expressed some concern about kids being awake.  Some where kept up, some were sent to bed.   I went to bed.

Wife slept on couch.  Woke up a couple times this morning and asked what time it was.  I told her.

Gave her heads up on when she would need to get going to make devotions and to make the trip.  Not much response.

So, I'm getting ready to leave on the trip by myself.  Kids are all sleeping and wife is asleep on couch. 

I've seen enough from her to think she is OK and not sick or in physical need.  It looks like any other time she has stayed up all night and is not able to function the next day.

My plan is to kiss her goodbye in a few minutes and head off to my meeting.

I'm not going to bring it up, accuse or pursue her about what happened.  MC is going to ask how devotions went, that is likely to be first time I will bring this up.

I'm disappointed, but not surprised and will go try to have a good day.  My wife can deal with her emotions in her own way.

Thoughts?   Didn't want to jumble up the "reached out to counselor thread" with this specific problem.  Although I do want to apply principles and needed changes to things that I have control of.

Looking forward to responses.

FF

[formflier]

Honest question here.

We were supposed to have devotions at 0730 and then leave for fun day trip at 0830.  I have a business/employment meeting that is getting worked in there and was driving the schedule and counseling later today.

When I went to bed last night my wife was up watching tv and had some kids up.  I expressed some concern about kids being awake.  Some where kept up, some were sent to bed.   I went to bed.

Wife slept on couch.  Woke up a couple times this morning and asked what time it was.  I told her.

Gave her heads up on when she would need to get going to make devotions and to make the trip.  Not much response.

So, I'm getting ready to leave on the trip by myself.  Kids are all sleeping and wife is asleep on couch. 

I've seen enough from her to think she is OK and not sick or in physical need.  It looks like any other time she has stayed up all night and is not able to function the next day.

My plan is to kiss her goodbye in a few minutes and head off to my meeting.

I'm not going to bring it up, accuse or pursue her about what happened.  MC is going to ask how devotions went, that is likely to be first time I will bring this up.

I'm disappointed, but not surprised and will go try to have a good day.  My wife can deal with her emotions in her own way.

Thoughts?   Didn't want to jumble up the "reached out to counselor thread" with this specific problem.  Although I do want to apply principles and needed changes to things that I have control of.

Looking forward to responses.

FF

[formflier]

Lots of yelling at kids and stomping around.  I'm delaying leaving a few minutes to see if they can all go. 

I built time in the schedule, "just in case",

She blamed me for not making sure she was awake.  I didn't "bite" or "pushback". 

I've got about 10 minutes until I will drive away, regardless of fit she throws.

FF

[Notwendy]

FF- my first thought as a working mom with career ( I have been on both sides of this one- stay at home mom and mom with career and both are working moms) is that combining a business and family trip did not work well.

There were several factors that contributed to this. A main one was that I had a pressing agenda- which changed my general focus from family to work- even for part of it. That created an additional pressure to meet a schedule.

Kids are kids( and you have several of them- so that adds to the number of things that can interrupt a schedule ) . They have their own minds/ moods/ situations. Taking a family trip means getting everyone on schedule, a trip in the car, packing, snacks. Adding a business agenda adds one more stressor to the task of getting everyone on board.

Lastly - and not the least of this- was that these situations somehow triggered my H. I don't fully understand why, but even if he agreed to the idea of a family/business trip it broke down somewhere along the way with refusals to help along the way, or getting the silent treatment for days.

The first time this happened I thought this was one time but after three times I decided there would not be anymore family /business trips for me. Both kinds required my full attention so we took only family trips. If I wanted to do something work related I arranged to do so on my own. Since my H was not willing to watch the kids while I was away, I hired a sitter if I needed to attend a meeting. Basically if I had an agenda- I realized I needed to be 100% responsible for that business agenda and not depend on unpredictable people/events for this to happen as planned.

[Notwendy]

I would agree with either - going on your own if others are not ready or rescheduling the business meeting. The first would establish a boundary about your job- however if you planned a family trip - then yes they would be disappointed.

Ideally we have a spouse who is a supportive partner for things that are meaningful and important to us- like a job. We would also reciprocate ( I have always supported my Hs career and been available as main caretaker to the children so he could be at his job anytime). But this expectation can be a set up. Our spouses may have good intentions but when triggered those intentions can change at any time.

My H is a great father. Your wife is also a great mother. I had no concerns about my H watching the kids. In fact, he often agreed to. However there were too many last minute triggers that led to last minute issues- with me. I decided it was better to not combine work trips with family trips.

[formflier]

Well, I have made my event  on time.  Wife and kids are off to do their thing.


She just turned in her homework and reported "being sad" about things I wrote in my homework.  Suggested I was being less than forthcoming.


Then went on to say that she couldn't understand why I wouldn't wake her up this morning.  At end of homework she said that she was adult and should have gotten up, but I still should have made sure she was up.

I continue to be amazed at the difference in point of views.

FF