This break-up has taken a year of my life

[Hopeful83]

... .that's the sad realisation I've been having these last few weeks.

Just under a year ago, my whole life changed in a matter of weeks. The man I was supposed to marry changed into someone I could not recognise. He went from "I love you" to "I don't know how I feel about you anymore" in the space of weeks. He was engaged to someone else within six weeks of us breaking up and he got married a few months back.

I never thought it would take this long to even begin to feel slightly like myself again. He left me with no job and no home as we had been planning to buy a place together and start a business. It truly was the worst thing I've ever been through.

I know I cannot change how things went down and the fact it's taken me this long to get over it, but I guess I hate the fact it had such a big impact on my life. He on the other hand got a job within a month or two and got on with his life (on the outside that's how it appeared anyway) while I was deeply mourning the fact we'd broken up.

I've changed a lot over the last 12 months - for the better. I did a lot of self-work and took the time to really try and heal properly from both the break-up and stuff from my past that I had never faced up to until now.

But darn, 12 months is a long time for life to go on without you. I still have no job and I'm staying with family. I've made the decision to move back to the city I lived in with my ex at some point over this summer, but even that fills me with anxiety as I know I'll not only be faced with the memories of our relationship but that also he is living there again. I'm not looking forward to being back there even though I know it's the best thing for me to do right now. If anything, I should have returned sooner but I claimed I didn't want to anywhere near him. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your own face.

I don't know I guess I just needed to get this out in the open. 12 months of essentially not participating in life is long and I'm nervous about 'reentering' real life so to speak. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced anything similar after a breakup with someone who has (or potentially has) BPD? Why did it take me so long while he just carried on with life like nothing had happened?

Hopeful

[patientandclear]

Because, unless you're on the inside of a disorder, what happened doesn't make any sense. You trusted this person and he proved untrustworthy. He did things (moving on so fast) that are antithetical to important pieces of your core belief system. What you thought was true gave way. You likely processed much of this at least initially as rejection, which is debilitating to our sense of self, especially when coming from a primary attachment, which is how these r/ships generally feel. The loss is traumatic, sudden and seemingly doesn't make sense--the term for this is "ambiguous loss" and it is typically very hard to recover from.

He is processing it differently because he has complex well established coping mechanisms that prevent him from confronting in a sustained way the implications of all of this. They are not healthy coping mechanisms but it's hard not to envy them sometimes, I know.

I have now gone through several years of recovery in sequence only to get back in touch with the BPD guy in my life, thinking I was prepared and up to it, and only to find my scar tissue ripped away when he did what he does again in new ways I had not anticipated. I'm planning on not doing it any more. But I identify with the length of time it's taken. The return to your city and negative associations/fears in particular makes sense--there are traumatic associations and it takes time to overlay those with other associations. Just being in places where we spent time is still tough for me. There are museums and parks I just cannot visit, words and names that I still have an aversion to. For me, it has helped to just say to myself "you were badly hurt and it makes sense that you feel this way. It's going to be hard for a while and that is OK." There is nothing wrong with you. What happened is quite damaging.

[Wantingtochange]

Patientandclear. Great perspective and for me, spot on!

[Hopeful83]

Because, unless you're on the inside of a disorder, what happened doesn't make any sense. You trusted this person and he proved untrustworthy. He did things (moving on so fast) that are antithetical to important pieces of your core belief system. What you thought was true gave way. You likely processed much of this at least initially as rejection, which is debilitating to our sense of self, especially when coming from a primary attachment, which is how these r/ships generally feel. The loss is traumatic, sudden and seemingly doesn't make sense--the term for this is "ambiguous loss" and it is typically very hard to recover from.

He is processing it differently because he has complex well established coping mechanisms that prevent him from confronting in a sustained way the implications of all of this. They are not healthy coping mechanisms but it's hard not to envy them sometimes, I know.

I have now gone through several years of recovery in sequence only to get back in touch with the BPD guy in my life, thinking I was prepared and up to it, and only to find my scar tissue ripped away when he did what he does again in new ways I had not anticipated. I'm planning on not doing it any more. But I identify with the length of time it's taken. The return to your city and negative associations/fears in particular makes sense--there are traumatic associations and it takes time to overlay those with other associations. Just being in places where we spent time is still tough for me. There are museums and parks I just cannot visit, words and names that I still have an aversion to. For me, it has helped to just say to myself "you were badly hurt and it makes sense that you feel this way. It's going to be hard for a while and that is OK." There is nothing wrong with you. What happened is quite damaging.

Thank you so much for this, it really helped patientandclear. I had never heard of the term of 'ambiguous loss' before and I just read up a little bit on it - it makes total sense! I always said this didn't feel like a normal breakup because the man I was in love with seemingly changed over night into a completely different person. I don't even exaggerate when I say that - when I interacted with him a few times before I broke up with him for good, I felt I was talking to an entirely new guy, it was so scary. It was like he'd had a brain transplant. As a result, I said it felt like the man I had loved died and the one who walks the earth now in his body is someone completely different.

It did make it harder to process in many ways. It took me ages to be able to 'mourn' the good guy whom I fell in love with because he left me feeling so confused and angry about the way he acted. How can you look back and appreciate the good (which I feel is also essential to proper healing) when that person no longer exists? I couldn't reconcile these two people. It's only now that I can think of our time together and smile.

I am looking forward to getting back there and making new memories. A close friend of mine said if I can go back and conquer my fears I'll be even more proud of myself than I already am, and he had a good point. I love that city and I had a good life there before I even met my ex. If anything, it was more 'my' city than his, as he wasn't really active in the community and took his cues from me. I introduced him to people and places he would have never met/seen had it not been for me, simply because he was living in a little bubble with people from his own culture and never really explored everything the city had to offer. So to stay clear of a place I hold dear in my heart because of him would be wrong.

And yes, there are times that I totally envied his coping mechanisms. He looked broken, like a shell in all his photos subsequent to the breakup, but was still able to go about his daily life, get a job and get on with things. I on the other hand couldn't function for months and I still have days when I have to fight the feelings of hopelessness and anxiety that arise. Then again, in the long run at least I know I have made a lot of self-improvements, which is not something he can say. I'd hate to have to run from my past in the way he does.

Anyway thanks again for your reply, I'm going to read more about 'ambiguous loss' as the bit that I did read resonated a lot with me.

Hopeful

[patientandclear]

There are a couple of excellent articles by Jeffrey Young on schema therapy that discuss BPD "modes" that may provide you some relief via understanding that, in a real sense, he almost is different people. There is a lack of continuity between the modes that is just not something we are used to incorporating into our sense of what a single human being does/thinks.

[sweet tooth]

... .that's the sad realisation I've been having these last few weeks.

Just under a year ago, my whole life changed in a matter of weeks. The man I was supposed to marry changed into someone I could not recognise. He went from "I love you" to "I don't know how I feel about you anymore" in the space of weeks. He was engaged to someone else within six weeks of us breaking up and he got married a few months back.

I never thought it would take this long to even begin to feel slightly like myself again. He left me with no job and no home as we had been planning to buy a place together and start a business. It truly was the worst thing I've ever been through.

I know I cannot change how things went down and the fact it's taken me this long to get over it, but I guess I hate the fact it had such a big impact on my life. He on the other hand got a job within a month or two and got on with his life (on the outside that's how it appeared anyway) while I was deeply mourning the fact we'd broken up.

I've changed a lot over the last 12 months - for the better. I did a lot of self-work and took the time to really try and heal properly from both the break-up and stuff from my past that I had never faced up to until now.

But darn, 12 months is a long time for life to go on without you. I still have no job and I'm staying with family. I've made the decision to move back to the city I lived in with my ex at some point over this summer, but even that fills me with anxiety as I know I'll not only be faced with the memories of our relationship but that also he is living there again. I'm not looking forward to being back there even though I know it's the best thing for me to do right now. If anything, I should have returned sooner but I claimed I didn't want to anywhere near him. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your own face.

I don't know I guess I just needed to get this out in the open. 12 months of essentially not participating in life is long and I'm nervous about 'reentering' real life so to speak. I just wondered if anyone else had experienced anything similar after a breakup with someone who has (or potentially has) BPD? Why did it take me so long while he just carried on with life like nothing had happened?

Hopeful

When I was in confirmation class we had a retreat about grief. Out Minister said the sadness stage of grief can last up to 1 year. After each holiday and significant event you say to yourself, "Thid is the first Christmas/Anniversary/New Years (or whatever) since X happened (or without a specific person). Just some food for that.

I'm over three months out. It feels like if just happened yesterday. If doesn't help that I'm getting random LinkedIn views, bizarre Facebook messages and requests, that she just re-activated her FB after 10 months (and unfriended me, which really hut), etc. it's like the pain never ends. Part of me wishes I never met her. Another part misses her desparately and wants her back. The dichotomimous nature of this is devestating.

[Wantingtochange]

Because, unless you're on the inside of a disorder, what happened doesn't make any sense. You trusted this person and he proved untrustworthy. He did things (moving on so fast) that are antithetical to important pieces of your core belief system. What you thought was true gave way. You likely processed much of this at least initially as rejection, which is debilitating to our sense of self, especially when coming from a primary attachment, which is how these r/ships generally feel. The loss is traumatic, sudden and seemingly doesn't make sense--the term for this is "ambiguous loss" and it is typically very hard to recover from.

He is processing it differently because he has complex well established coping mechanisms that prevent him from confronting in a sustained way the implications of all of this. They are not healthy coping mechanisms but it's hard not to envy them sometimes, I know.

I have now gone through several years of recovery in sequence only to get back in touch with the BPD guy in my life, thinking I was prepared and up to it, and only to find my scar tissue ripped away when he did what he does again in new ways I had not anticipated. I'm planning on not doing it any more. But I identify with the length of time it's taken. The return to your city and negative associations/fears in particular makes sense--there are traumatic associations and it takes time to overlay those with other associations. Just being in places where we spent time is still tough for me. There are museums and parks I just cannot visit, words and names that I still have an aversion to. For me, it has helped to just say to myself "you were badly hurt and it makes sense that you feel this way. It's going to be hard for a while and that is OK." There is nothing wrong with you. What happened is quite damaging.

THIS^^^^^^^   YES!

[Wantingtochange]

There are a couple of excellent articles by Jeffrey Young on schema therapy that discuss BPD "modes" that may provide you some relief via understanding that, in a real sense, he almost is different people. There is a lack of continuity between the modes that is just not something we are used to incorporating into our sense of what a single human being does/thinks.

I hadn't heard of this until I read your response. Very informative reading, it's helping in many ways tonight.

[sweet tooth]

There are a couple of excellent articles by Jeffrey Young on schema therapy that discuss BPD "modes" that may provide you some relief via understanding that, in a real sense, he almost is different people. There is a lack of continuity between the modes that is just not something we are used to incorporating into our sense of what a single human being does/thinks.

This makes sense. Depending on her social media, my ex will modify the capital letters/spaces in her last name (I've heard her pronounce it 3 different ways, too) change her age, and I even saw on MeetUp she listed her residence as a city that's an hour and a half ride from where she actually lives. Are they lies or delusions? I don't know, but it proves her pathology. Like you said, there's no coherent or consistent sense of identity.