Constant feeling of GUILT because of daughter's BPD diagnosis

[Toocaughtup]

I am so imperfect (bipolar codependent and recovering alcoholic and didn't drink for 26 years while my kids grew up but have drunk twice in the last two years) and I and my narcissist ex argued a lot and the kids were exposed to that.  I've read a couple of articles that if you show some therapists a BPD person, theyll show you a person with a narccissistic mother.  I have been in therapy most of my adult life and have asked different therapists if I'm one.  Every one has said no, particularly because I asked and genuinely wanted to know.  My BPDD witnessed a very upsetting argument between my ex and me when she was 3.  I thought she was asleep in another room but she'd gotten up and crept under a chair in the room we were.  She brought it up to me last year - I had no idea she'd hidden or would have acknowledged her and removed her - and told me I hadn't been a mother to her since then.  We had friends who could see we bonded well and were close.  My sister knew every little thing about my fam as I did hers while we had toddlers and elementary kids.  She's also an RN and a psych nurse.  She witnessed very closely the bonding between my daughter and me.  I've always loved her.  Now, she's been diagnosed with borderline and PTSD, all from her emotionally abusive childhood.  She blames me entirely and is getting what seems to be good therapy.  I am so glad for her because she seems to be getting some relief and self esteem.  She's told me I"m toxic and never there for her (maybe I am and don't know it so I've started going to CoDA).  I am racked with guilt and shame every day, almost all day.  I didn't know I was abusing her.  I look at photos of the family (and she and I individually) having real fun and cuddling and being obvious bonded as they grew up.  I am fully aware and take responsibility for my own issues - I'm an adult and they're my responsibility and no one else's.  She comes by the house and then later says on the phone there's so much negativity here.  Her brother doesn't agree with some of her choices so he doesn't fake agreeing with her and she considers that to be disloyalty.  I'm feeling exhausted and very discouraged.  I'm wondering if we'll eventually be completely estranged.  I do not want that but its getting so every time I see her she slips in a trigger or pushes a button and acts like she didn't intend it when she obviously did.  I'm lost.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sjp20]

I don't have a diagnosis, I just suspect my D29 is BPD or possibly NPD.  I didn't drink but like you my daughter witnessed some arguments she shouldn't have seen.  Actually even starting in the womb when her biological dad my partner at the time knocked me clean across a room heavily pregnant. I believe she was born knowing their were problems.  I like you did the best I could, my sister was very heavily involved in my life and helped me child mind as well and I believe I did bond with her, now in hindsight not as much as I could have, but I didn't have the internet and all the knowledge I now have about how it was so important.  I have family pics and lovely times together too and it makes it just like you all the harder now to feel like she hates me and blames my parenting for everything that goes wrong in her life.  Although I can understand where she is now because of her childhood another completely different child who may also have had an even worse childhood can turn out without these problems, some people have different coping skills, some kids have a different way of processing information in the mind.  I'm also trying hard to not feel the guilt, keep telling yourself the truth, you did not do anything intentionally to ever hurt her. You were doing the best you could at the time.  You are a good person.  I was advised to do the lessons that are on this website in how to cope and deal with BPD child and I intend to try to find help for myself, to learn to cope and deal with my own feelings whilst at the same time trying to find a way to continue to have a r/ship with her.  Not the relationship I had in my Mary Poppins head, but a r/ship no matter how small to prevent becoming estranged.  I'm going to look into whether DBT can help me to converse with her without her flying into a rage with me.  Try to get some help.  Keep researching and keep looking after yourself.  As they say in an aircraft, put your own oxygen mask on first.  You cannot help her unless you help yourself first.  I totally understand you.  You are not alone.

[tristesse]

Hello TOOCAUGHTUP and welcome to bpdfamily.

i'm so sorry that you are struggling with the so much at the moment. the feelings of guilt that you are having are normal, they come to every parent of a BPD child at some point or another. Your daughter was traumatized at a young age, as was mine, and the time it was untreated reactive attachment disorder, which over time became BPD.

I can assure you that your feelings are not un common, and that there is help out there, things can often do get better. There is host of great information here, and plenty of people to help and advise. the tools and lessons to the right side of this message board are more useful than I can even begin to tell about, so I suggest starting there. I also suggest continued posting, giving as much information as possible so that the good folks here can better assist you on your journey to a healthy relationship.

Self care is key, so remember to take time to relax and focus on you. It is not being selfish, it is critical to the healing of your mind body and soul. Please continue to talk to us, we are here to help.

take care

[raytamtay3]

I think a lot of us can relate to your post.  I know I sure can... .

I always knew something just wasn't right about my DD16 when she was a toddler but it wasn't until after I divorced her father and we moved to a different state (with a 50/50 arrangement at that time), things got worse. I still feel I'm partly to blame for how my DD is.  My ex's words still ring in my ear ... ."when you take an already troubled child and divorce their father and don't allow them to grow up in a two parent home, you are to blame for how they turn out".  While deep down inside I know that isn't true because look how many "normal" people have turned out "normal" from "broken homes".  But I still wonder... .And not long before I left my ex, DD witnessed my hitting my ex after he repeatedly called me a c*nt because I had the nerve to come home from a BINGO too late... .She was asleep on the couch and she woke up to it.  I still carry guilt about that was well.

I can sit here and say not to beat yourself up about it, but that would be very Hypocritical of me for I do it to myself on a daily bases.  But I hope you do take solace in knowing that you are not alone and that we can take steps now to try and help the situation and move forward, and not backwards.  

This forum has been a lifesaver for me in many ways.

[saphirewidow]

Being honest with yourself involves looking at the hard stuff which you are doing, but also looking at the good stuff.  Remember that someone with BPD will often think you are the most wonderful amazing person ever, and then completely turn on you and blame you for everything... .it is so hard for them to see the shades of gray.  There is no perfect parent... .not one.  Right now it sounds like your daughter has painted you black and she can't see anything else.  The black may have a shred of truth in it yes, but that does not define the whole of you.  She sees one strand of black in a beautiful tapestry and discounts all of the other colors and patterns and amazingness of you.  I don't know if you are negative because I don't really know you personally, but I have lived with a pwBPD and I was painted all bad much of the time.  If she says you are negative and you really want to know if it is true, ask her for examples (when you aren't too stressed out already and don't get mad at what she says) and then think about what she says... .it is valid? If so work on it.  But if she doesn't really have valid examples, don't let her bring you down.  I'm glad she is getting counseling and hopefully getting better but it really sounds like she is using you as a scapegoat and projecting some of her own struggles onto you.  Does she idealize her dad right now?  If he thinks poorly of you and he is all white right now than, you must be all black.  And yes you made mistakes and so did her dad it sounds like.  All you can do right now is take one step forward at a time, continue your own counseling, and make your own healthy choices from here on out.  Hoping you can stay strong and away from the alcohol. 

[Gorges]

I feel the same guilt.  I was not calm with my daughter when she was growing up.  She was a big time button pusher and I was not able to stay calm even though I really wanted to! I found meditation helps, but sometimes I still get upset.  Now that she is an adult, distance helps.  That said, I truly did some bad things that without a doubt contributed to her struggles.  The guilt helps me change and makes me empathetic and less judgemental of others.  I figure I will use that guilt to try and do better and be kinder in this world.  Try to focus on the present.

I also agree that when our children are unhappy, they will take it out on us.  I know parents who really have not had regrets and then one day their adult children can quickly turn and blame them if they are going through an unhappy period.   Right now my daughter is not beating me up and blaming me and thinks that I should stop dwelling on my past mistakes.  That said, I fully anticipate that one day she will be really unhappy and blame me.   When that time comes, I plan on validating her emotions and taking care of myself.  All we can do is say we are sorry and be good role models.   

I do recommend the books on this website, they help with this situation.