Hello, everyone

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, everyone

I'm new here and need some sort of insight or advice with my fiance.

He hasn't been professionally diagnosed (I've tried talking him into seeking help but every time he starts thinking about it and even scheduling appointments, he gets discouraged or angry and doesn't go through with it.) but everything from online forums and articles, as well insight from m ex that has it as well, points to it being BPD.

The lows have started massively outweighing the highs, and even though I favor the highs, I am currently in the point where I'm mentally, emotionally and even slightly physically avoiding setting off a low even if things appear good on the surface.

His family even shows signs of it, but they all refuse to be levelheaded about it (His father point blank looked at him and said he was faking it all, even after an attempted suicide last summer and the numerous self harming since.) and I feel like I'm the only person that cares and knows all these triggers and warning signs.

It's not that I don't love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, and it's terrifying watching him go through this all without real help, or the help that I can give him isn't enough.

I'll come downstairs from saying a joke or comment, and he's curled up on the couch, hood over his head and crying and even if I'm right next to him, handing him his phone so he can message me what he's thinking and feeling, the low won't wear off. Sometimes it's hours, sometimes it's days, even weeks.

Last week, I made a joke about him playing World of Warcraft so much (I honestly don't mind that he plays it so much since we often play different games while in the same room) and he went to sleep in our room, only to come out after an hour and say he thought of making another suicide attempt. I feel guilty because I've been trying to keep up and constantly be there for him for the past six months, but this is wearing on me slowly and is impacting my life now. His funks have worn off on me and now I barely feel like I have enough energy to get up and clean the house during the day.

I'm sorry for the novel, but I really need some insight with this and any would be greatly appreciated.

[Vulpes]

Hi, everyone

I'm new here and need some sort of insight or advice with my fiance.

He hasn't been professionally diagnosed (I've tried talking him into seeking help but every time he starts thinking about it and even scheduling appointments, he gets discouraged or angry and doesn't go through with it.) but everything from online forums and articles, as well insight from m ex that has it as well, points to it being BPD.

The lows have started massively outweighing the highs, and even though I favor the highs, I am currently in the point where I'm mentally, emotionally and even slightly physically avoiding setting off a low even if things appear good on the surface.

His family even shows signs of it, but they all refuse to be levelheaded about it (His father point blank looked at him and said he was faking it all, even after an attempted suicide last summer and the numerous self harming since.) and I feel like I'm the only person that cares and knows all these triggers and warning signs.

It's not that I don't love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life, and it's terrifying watching him go through this all without real help, or the help that I can give him isn't enough.

I'll come downstairs from saying a joke or comment, and he's curled up on the couch, hood over his head and crying and even if I'm right next to him, handing him his phone so he can message me what he's thinking and feeling, the low won't wear off. Sometimes it's hours, sometimes it's days, even weeks.

Last week, I made a joke about him playing World of Warcraft so much (I honestly don't mind that he plays it so much since we often play different games while in the same room) and he went to sleep in our room, only to come out after an hour and say he thought of making another suicide attempt. I feel guilty because I've been trying to keep up and constantly be there for him for the past six months, but this is wearing on me slowly and is impacting my life now. His funks have worn off on me and now I barely feel like I have enough energy to get up and clean the house during the day.

I'm sorry for the novel, but I really need some insight with this and any would be greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

  

HEY Vulpes: Welcome

Your partner sounds very depressed.  I feel for him. I can tell you really love him and want the best for him.

His father point blank looked at him and said he was faking it all, even after an attempted suicide last summer and the numerous self harming since. I feel like I'm the only person that cares and knows all these triggers and warning signs

Was he hospitalized after the suicide attempt last Summer?  Any treatment at that time?

Last week, I made a joke about him playing World of Warcraft so much (I honestly don't mind that he plays it so much since we often play different games while in the same room) and he went to sleep in our room, only to come out after an hour and say he thought of making another suicide attempt. I feel guilty because I've been trying to keep up and constantly be there for him for the past six months, but this is wearing on me slowly and is impacting my life now. His funks have worn off on me and now I barely feel like I have enough energy to get up and clean the house during the day.

The information in the link below can be helpful when someone in your life deals with suicidal thoughts.  Every threat needs to be taken seriously.  Have you ever called 911 on an occasion when he talks about suicide?  Perhaps that would be a way to get him into treatment?  Is he aware of a local suicide hotline (perhaps a phone number to program into your phones?)  If you currently don't have one handy, can you help by providing a number?

SUICIDE AND CRISIS SUPPORT  



https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I've added some additional links below that you might find helpful, but look over the Suicide and Crisis Support.  There are 9 pages of info. and maybe you could read it and then go through it with him.  Some of the pages are like a workbook. Do you think you could help him think through some of the exercises?  

FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt

  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

COMMUNICATIONS OVERVIEW

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

[Vulpes]

 

HEY Vulpes: Welcome

Your partner sounds very depressed.  I feel for him. I can tell you really love him and want the best for him.

His father point blank looked at him and said he was faking it all, even after an attempted suicide last summer and the numerous self harming since. I feel like I'm the only person that cares and knows all these triggers and warning signs

Was he hospitalized after the suicide attempt last Summer?  Any treatment at that time?

Last week, I made a joke about him playing World of Warcraft so much (I honestly don't mind that he plays it so much since we often play different games while in the same room) and he went to sleep in our room, only to come out after an hour and say he thought of making another suicide attempt. I feel guilty because I've been trying to keep up and constantly be there for him for the past six months, but this is wearing on me slowly and is impacting my life now. His funks have worn off on me and now I barely feel like I have enough energy to get up and clean the house during the day.

The information in the link below can be helpful when someone in your life deals with suicidal thoughts.  Every threat needs to be taken seriously.  Have you ever called 911 on an occasion when he talks about suicide?  Perhaps that would be a way to get him into treatment?  Is he aware of a local suicide hotline (perhaps a phone number to program into your phones?)  If you currently don't have one handy, can you help by providing a number?

SUICIDE AND CRISIS SUPPORT  



https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I've added some additional links below that you might find helpful, but look over the Suicide and Crisis Support.  There are 9 pages of info. and maybe you could read it and then go through it with him.  Some of the pages are like a workbook. Do you think you could help him think through some of the exercises?  

FOG = Fear, Obligation and Guilt

  https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

COMMUNICATIONS OVERVIEW

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Sorry for quoting everything, I'm still getting used to the layout on mobile.

He normally doesn't get very angry unless there's a lot of stressors in the mix, so depression and guilt are pretty common. Not that I look forward to that at all, but I'm sort of numb to it sometimes. He was committed to the nearby mental health hospital last year. I've had a lot of guilt and baggage about recommitting him or shoving him into therapy considering the fact that our split was what led to him trying to commit suicide just a few weeks after we stopped talking. I don't drive currently, so I can't even surprisingly drop him off at a therapists like I've thought of doing before. He has insurance and I've found someone who'd treat him right and respect his boundaries, but he just wants none of it. And his family is still so resistant to the idea of even getting a somewhat basic understanding of what he's going through... .it's exhausting to say the least.

I know I'm just unloading this on you and I'm sorry for that. This is just the first really helpful forum I've been able to find and its nice to feel like I'm not alone on this and have a better understanding. I don't want to push him into getting help but I know I'm probably going to have to bite the bullet and do it anyway for his sake.

Anyways, thank you for the advice and I'll be sure to keep all of those numbers handy.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI Vulpes:



Good to see you back!

I know I'm just unloading this on you and I'm sorry for that

 That's the purpose of this website - people helping people.  It's nice to find something good on the Internet

He was committed to the nearby mental health hospital last year. I've had a lot of guilt and baggage about recommitting him or shoving him into therapy considering the fact that our split was what led to him trying to commit suicide just a few weeks after we stopped talking

Did he improve after his hospital stay?  Any meds prescribed that were beneficial?

I've found someone who'd treat him right and respect his boundaries, but he just wants none of it.

Can you speculate why he won't go for therapy or treatment?

Perhaps pose the question to him: "If you broke your leg, would you avoid treatment?"

Does he feel ashamed of being depressed (perhaps because his family won't acknowledge it?)

Ask him what he thinks he might like to do with his time, if he wasn't preoccupied with depression and thoughts of suicide?

Does he have a primary care doctor?  Sometime, that can be a starting place to try some helpful meds.  The one challenge with someone who isn't cooperative is that it is typical to take a few weeks for meds to kick in and help.  Some meds have some side effects, but some of those will dissipate after a few weeks.  Sometimes it can be a trial and error situation, to find the best med or combo of meds that work for a person. 

It would be nice if they could do a blood test or do a brain scan and determine what med would fix a situation (kind of like checking the oil in a vehicle).  Maybe some day in the future; but right now, trying something is better than nothing.

Come back an let  us know how thing are going.  Perhaps with a little support here, you can persevere and coax him into some treatment.

[Vulpes]

HI Vulpes:



Good to see you back!

I know I'm just unloading this on you and I'm sorry for that

 That's the purpose of this website - people helping people.  It's nice to find something good on the Internet

He was committed to the nearby mental health hospital last year. I've had a lot of guilt and baggage about recommitting him or shoving him into therapy considering the fact that our split was what led to him trying to commit suicide just a few weeks after we stopped talking

Did he improve after his hospital stay?  Any meds prescribed that were beneficial?

I've found someone who'd treat him right and respect his boundaries, but he just wants none of it.

Can you speculate why he won't go for therapy or treatment?

Perhaps pose the question to him: "If you broke your leg, would you avoid treatment?"

Does he feel ashamed of being depressed (perhaps because his family won't acknowledge it?)

Ask him what he thinks he might like to do with his time, if he wasn't preoccupied with depression and thoughts of suicide?

Does he have a primary care doctor?  Sometime, that can be a starting place to try some helpful meds.  The one challenge with someone who isn't cooperative is that it is typical to take a few weeks for meds to kick in and help.  Some meds have some side effects, but some of those will dissipate after a few weeks.  Sometimes it can be a trial and error situation, to find the best med or combo of meds that work for a person. 

It would be nice if they could do a blood test or do a brain scan and determine what med would fix a situation (kind of like checking the oil in a vehicle).  Maybe some day in the future; but right now, trying something is better than nothing.

Come back an let  us know how thing are going.  Perhaps with a little support here, you can persevere and coax him into some treatment.

He was proscribed Citalopram  20 MG and he's started taking it for two weeks now. Everything with that seems to be okay besides the really intense lows he gets. But it's steadied out since he started working and taking it, so there's the silver lining. I need to schedule him an appointment with a primary care doctor to get the refill, so I was sort of hoping that that would help as well. I've told him that it'll take awhile to really take full effect and that I'll be here while we figure out the proper dosage. I think he's just scared of getting help because that makes him feel vulnerable. His mother is the primary bread winner in the house and his father is rough around the edges and has never been really vulnerable or emotionally there for him, so it took months for him to even have the courage to cry around me. I can't really judge or be upset with him over it because I was where he currently is when I was a teenager and know that it takes some time to come to grips with the fact that you're human and have problems.

But in his downtime, he mostly likes to play WoW and sketch things. I'm thinking once I start working again, I may get him some markers and pencils to help him out with his sketches. He normally likes to stay physically busy and it puts him in a really awesome zen mode. I don't see much of that mode but it's always great when I do.

Anywho, thanks again   this has been seriously helpful. If you'd like, I can keep you updated on how he's managing.

[Naughty Nibbler]

VULPERS - HI  

 He was prescribed Citalopram  20 MG and he's started taking it for two weeks now. . .  . I need to schedule him an appointment with a primary care doctor to get the refill. .  .  . I think he's just scared of getting help because that makes him feel vulnerable.  

Be sure he gets a refill before he runs out, even if you need to go into an urgent care facility.  If you are the one making his appt. at a primary care doctor, and they can't get him in soon enough for a prescription, be up front about his suicidal thoughts (it should help get him an earlier appt. date).  He should never stop the meds abruptly, because it could send him into a bit of a tail spin.

You may become aware of little improvements, that he doesn't notice.  When we finally got my now deceased father on some meds for anxiety and depression, he kept saying they weren't doing any good, but boy could we sure tell the difference.  

  He mostly likes to play WoW and sketch things. . .  ., I may get him some markers and pencils to help him out with his sketches. He normally likes to stay physically busy and it puts him in a really awesome zen mode. I don't see much of that mode but it's always great when I do.  

 

Physical exercise is very helpful with depression.  Maybe you can do something together - long walks/hikes, runs, bicycling, etc.  The sketching is a good idea.  Has he tried any art on an Ipad or tablet?  Might be something to try to supplement the traditional way he sketches.  Some journaling would likely be beneficial.  Maybe that is something to aspire to, that he could try down the road.

If you'd like, I can keep you updated on how he's managing    

I'd love to continue to hear from you and about your partner's progress, others will as well.  There are a lot of good tools on this website.  Check them out one at a time.  :)on't be shy about asking other to guide you to some lessons, or opinions and guidance while you begin to implement some skills.

Below are a couple more helpful links:

GETTING A BORDERLINE INTO THERAPY:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

CRISIS TEXT LINE INFO:  www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works/


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