Tips for a first attempt at mediation?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, it looks like it's going to be mediation. I gave my dBPDw a proposed settlement and parenting plan last week.

My lawyer was notified today that my dBPDw has retained an attorney and that we are "far apart" from what my stbx wants, and that she suggests mediation.

The good news (I think) is that she hired an attorney who is capable and is familiar to my attorney. In fact, she was actually the #3 on my list of attorneys to interview, but due to a scheduling problem, we never met and I hired one of the others. We were concerned she might hire someone who wasn't good at coming to agreements. So that's a plus. The two mediators she proposed are also known to my attorney and both seem very experienced. One is male and one female, if that matters.

I don't know specifically where we are "far apart" in terms. I'm guessing that she wants more maintenance over more time, plus a minimum of equal parenting time. There might be more. I don't know if we can ask that she send over a list of her disputed issues (or a counter-proposal) before the mediation session.

I'd like to ask that we do mediation in separate rooms. From my experience in doing marital counseling with her, she's likely to be volatile and reactive in person, and might cut me off every time I speak and do some yelling. I don't get any points if I "prove" to the mediator that she's nuts, so I'd rather avoid that situation.

I'm thinking that we go in with an expectation that we'll pull the plug after a couple of hours if it's clearly not going anywhere. I'm not optimistic that she'll be willing to negotiate realistically without outside evaluators telling her that she's not going to get everything she wants, so why waste time and money? For example, I have a lot of evidence showing that she's unreliable, unsafe, and possibly abusive as a parent. But it's not like she would accept that and agree to my parenting plan, unless evaluators or a judge give her no choice, or her attorney tells her she can't do any better.

Any thoughts or tips are welcome!

[flourdust]

So, it looks like it's going to be mediation. I gave my dBPDw a proposed settlement and parenting plan last week.

My lawyer was notified today that my dBPDw has retained an attorney and that we are "far apart" from what my stbx wants, and that she suggests mediation.

The good news (I think) is that she hired an attorney who is capable and is familiar to my attorney. In fact, she was actually the #3 on my list of attorneys to interview, but due to a scheduling problem, we never met and I hired one of the others. We were concerned she might hire someone who wasn't good at coming to agreements. So that's a plus. The two mediators she proposed are also known to my attorney and both seem very experienced. One is male and one female, if that matters.

I don't know specifically where we are "far apart" in terms. I'm guessing that she wants more maintenance over more time, plus a minimum of equal parenting time. There might be more. I don't know if we can ask that she send over a list of her disputed issues (or a counter-proposal) before the mediation session.

I'd like to ask that we do mediation in separate rooms. From my experience in doing marital counseling with her, she's likely to be volatile and reactive in person, and might cut me off every time I speak and do some yelling. I don't get any points if I "prove" to the mediator that she's nuts, so I'd rather avoid that situation.

I'm thinking that we go in with an expectation that we'll pull the plug after a couple of hours if it's clearly not going anywhere. I'm not optimistic that she'll be willing to negotiate realistically without outside evaluators telling her that she's not going to get everything she wants, so why waste time and money? For example, I have a lot of evidence showing that she's unreliable, unsafe, and possibly abusive as a parent. But it's not like she would accept that and agree to my parenting plan, unless evaluators or a judge give her no choice, or her attorney tells her she can't do any better.

Any thoughts or tips are welcome!

[livednlearned]

Hi flourdust,

I did mediation in separate rooms too. There are pros/cons. In some ways, the skills of the mediator will be more important than the capabilities of the attorney, tho the attorney can certainly persuade.

She will likely be on emotional tilt because the lawyer and mediator will feel like authorities, and they are expected to play a neutral role. She may turn against them or comply depending on which way her feelings go. If she feels flooded, she could even stop the session or fire her attorney, it's hard to say. Either way, it's good to be prepared for some strong emotions, which for her will feel much more intense.

That's why the mediator's interpersonal skills will matter in terms of how well the session goes.

One thing that I didn't expect is that you can agree on some terms and not others, and still walk out with a signed agreement, if that makes sense. Meaning, you may agree on 95 percent of things, and can't agree on legal custody. In my agreement, we managed to settle everything except one item. So our order said, "The parties agree do not agree on item X. Therefore, this item will be heard before a judge." Or something like that. Then it just sat there until I made a move to do something about it. I wish I had known that things could go that way because our mediation lasted 9 hours and I kept thinking the whole thing was going to be a waste if N/BPD did not agree to this one item, which I knew was a deal breaker. It created a lot of stress I didn't need because the day was already so stressful.

Do you have an ideal settlement, a deal breaker settlement, and a reasonable one? My T recommended I do this in advance and it helped a lot. That way, I knew going in what I would not settle for, and what I would. I found my anxiety was hard to manage once the session began (I didn't have this site at the time so didn't know others who could help walk me through things) and it helped to have some things written down ahead of time that I could use to anchor me.

And last, don't forget this is a marathon not a sprint. It's good you know that she may not agree to everything, or anything if she's particularly dysregulated. The thought of losing control over the kids is hard whether you are BPD or not, and for her, it will be excruciating.

She may be asking for full custody and zero visitation for you, it's hard to say. Her attorney and the mediator will need to loosen her grip a bit and that is why they get paid the big bucks. Often, lawyers (and mediators) will use their own leverage to get things to move forward. If she is asking for unreasonable demands, they'll tell her that a judge will not grant anything she is asking for and it will cost thousands upon thousands of dollars to find that out.

I hope it goes well for you. Let us know how things went 

[ForeverDad]

Another member asked about parenting plan clauses a few days ago, perhaps some responses there may be applicable for you:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=295078.0

In my post I encouraged trying to get as much parenting time and responsibility as possible.  Try to become Residential Parent for School Purposes.

Also, except for the more extreme cases, most of us walk out of mediation or court with Joint Legal custody, courts are reluctant to order anything that makes the non-primary parent feel locked out of being a parent.  Read my comments on Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  One or the other let you give notice (DM) or ask then decide and give notice (TB).  It is still 'joint' in name but the odds of you being obstructed for months waiting for court to handle it are reduced.

Understand that mediation seldom works early in a divorce or custody case, the stbEx is just too Entitled or feeling too much In Control.  So if it fails, don't be surprised.  You don't have to sacrifice yourself or the children to get a bad settlement.  Determine as much as possible what your 'boundaries' are for what you'll accept or gift away.  The closer you get to a major event such as a court hearing or trial, the likelier you are to get 'less unfair' terms offered.  Think twice before you decide to act under pressure to accept a lousy offer.

[flourdust]

Thank you for the suggestions! Very helpful.

I'm going to bear in mind that we might be able to nail down agreement on some items that don't need to go to court. The more I can get agreement on, the less complex (and expensive) any court time would be. I expect her two big deals are going to be custody time and maintenance. And I definitely hear that I want to have signed paperwork on anything we agree to in mediation, so that she can't retract it later.

Do you have an ideal settlement, a deal breaker settlement, and a reasonable one? My T recommended I do this in advance and it helped a lot. That way, I knew going in what I would not settle for, and what I would. I found my anxiety was hard to manage once the session began (I didn't have this site at the time so didn't know others who could help walk me through things) and it helped to have some things written down ahead of time that I could use to anchor me.

Well, my ideal is the proposal I gave her, but she's obviously not in agreement with some of that. So I guess the first step would be to try to find which items she is OK with and get those signed off on.

I have some notes on things that I'm comfortable with negotiating. I can be flexible on some of the financial stuff, depending on how it impacts the bottom line. I can be flexible on the parenting schedule without budging much on the percentage of time. And I have things that I have not asked her for that I could put back on the table, like child support from her.

Also, except for the more extreme cases, most of us walk out of mediation or court with Joint Legal custody, courts are reluctant to order anything that makes the non-primary parent feel locked out of being a parent.  Read my comments on Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  One or the other let you give notice (DM) or ask then decide and give notice (TB).  It is still 'joint' in name but the odds of you being obstructed for months waiting for court to handle it are reduced.

Understand that mediation seldom works early in a divorce or custody case, the stbEx is just too Entitled or feeling too much In Control.  So if it fails, don't be surprised.  You don't have to sacrifice yourself or the children to get a bad settlement.  Determine as much as possible what your 'boundaries' are for what you'll accept or gift away.  The closer you get to a major event such as a court hearing or trial, the likelier you are to get 'less unfair' terms offered.  Think twice before you decide to act under pressure to accept a lousy offer.

Agreed.

[livednlearned]

I have things that I have not asked her for that I could put back on the table, like child support from her.

Bill Eddy (author of Splitting) has some really good advice about negotiating with high-conflict people. He talks about how emotion mind flies up to the ceiling and kinda gets stuck there, making it difficult to problem solve for people who suffer from BPD. Some of his advice focuses on how to communicate to help prevent emotion mind from staying stuck, or how to help them return to baseline. Sometimes, that can include gifting them things so that they don't feel so scared about losing everything. That's why asking for a bit more than what you actually want can be a good negotiating tactic.

Because at the end of the day, the point is to get within ballpark of a reasonable settlement. You have less trouble regulating your emotions, so getting to reasonable is easier for you. She has more trouble with this, and will need help from you, both lawyers, and the mediator. It's a good omen that she picked a good lawyer because if she is like some people with BPD, she will treat a person in authority as an important figure and may defer to him or her. She needs help straddling the conflicting feelings of wanting to be safe and wanting to strike out and a good influence can help ground her.

[adventurer]

One thing that I didn't expect is that you can agree on some terms and not others, and still walk out with a signed agreement, if that makes sense. Meaning, you may agree on 95 percent of things, and can't agree on legal custody. In my agreement, we managed to settle everything except one item. So our order said, "The parties agree do not agree on item X. Therefore, this item will be heard before a judge." Or something like that.

This is an invaluable little nugget.  I'm definitely going to ask my attorney how it works in my state and keep this in mind.  I doubt mediation will work 100% for me either.