Nothing ever changes and we are at the end of the road

[Slwinner]

My 19 year old daughter has bipolar disorder, BPD and addiction issues. We are one of the lucky ones. She was able to get residential treatment through the county after being involved in the criminal justice system. While she did spend some time in jail with much effort on my part she was placed in a dual diagnosis home with 5 other residents. And she's failing.

All she has to do is follow the rules. She has to attend daily groups, keep her room clean and do some household chores. Today her therapist called me. Strike 4! She was caught smoking pot on the deck with a boy (visitor not resident) at 2 AM. She's got one foot out the door now and no where to go. She can not come home. Her behavior at home is combative and abusive. She was arrested for drug possession and domestic violence against me and her brother so she can't live here.

She knows she has no place to go and has a roof over her head right now paid for by a county grant which I am grateful for yet continues to buck the system. Her lack of impulse control and sense of entitlement is astounding. Her therapist at the group home is knowledgeable about BPD and is at a loss of how to turn things around for her. She just does as she pleases, consequences be damned.

This coming week there will be a meeting with the her, the therapist, the group home manager, her managers, two probation officers and two case managers to determine next steps. She will either be put in jail (probation violation for using), given a 30 day notice to leave or they will keep her in treatment (unlikely).

I am going to refuse to attend.

I have spent my last real and emotional dollar trying to get this kid help. I have PTSD. My son barely made it through 8th grade because we lived in crisis for years with her. I got her help. And I know that others who truly need the help are turned away. The system is broken. How dare she thumb her nose at all of us. Resources and beds are very limited. She's been inpatient psych as an adolescent and an adult many times and I know it's tough to get after care. Residential treatment paid for by a grant, almost unheard of. She's there because she met their criteria of serious mental illness and addiction but it seems she wants to continue to do as she pleases which will lead to her death.

I want no part of sitting in yet another meeting with the professionals. They are just that, professionals. She's not going to listen to me anymore then she's going to listen to them. I am going to save myself now. They can determine her fate.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

WOW, your family is so blessed to receive a grant for treatment and you are correct there are too few beds available.  Your family has been in crisis and had a tough go of it (an understatement) as many of us have too. 

My d16 is currently in a RTC.  Perhaps your d's placement isn't a good fit for her, maybe she needs a higher level of care?  Who has visitors at 2AM?  I'm not siding with her / not OK to smoke weed.  Where's the supervision / staff?

Don't give up on her, keep some faith that she too can overcome her demons /addiction, it didn't develop overnight and will not resolve itself overnight. Take a deep breath you can continue.

[raytamtay3]

Wow, your situation sounds just like mine with my DD16! I completly understand your frusteration and desire to throw in the towel. I'm not too far behind that notion. Its now about protecting my family and myself against this never ending battle.  We too have tried virtually everything. This is the third out of home placement for my dd. Two rtcs and now a short term therapeutic foster home. 

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi there, I haven't been on here in a long time, and I totally get what you're saying. My BPDd, 24, with a 6 month old is back living with me and it's hard. Honestly I would let her go to jail if that's how it has to be. Like yours, my daughter can't follow any rules, and she & her husband met on the road (they call themselves "travelers", & if it weren't for the baby they'd be on the road again. They were using all kinds of drugs & she nearly died once (revived by Narcan)
The only time I've ever had any peace is when she's in the hospital. She's managed to avoid the justice system but if she was in jail I could sleep at night also. My little grandson complicates things even further, but after 12 years of this I have PTSD and cannot do this anymore.
I know you've moved heaven and earth to protect your daughter. Constant manuevering through the legal and mental health systems is not something we signed on for as parents. This meeting they have planned... .you've probably heard it all before and are sick of it. Like you said, nothing ever changes. Other people can say what they will, but I support your sitting it out and letting her consequences fall where they may.