It’s the confusion. Do you want me or not?

[Larmoyant]

I need to vent. I'm in a lot of pain right now  :'(

It’s the confusion. Do you want me or not? If not, go away, leave me alone to get on with my ruined life. Leave me alone. You can’t just have parts of me when you feel like it. It’s all of me or nothing because I love you. I’m not your ‘friend’. I’m not going to be there for you when the feeling strikes and pushed away when you’ve had enough. It’s cruel, you have to also be there for me. I can’t be picked up and dropped, picked up and dropped. I’m not a fwb that you hang out with, sleep with, talk with. I’m the person you said you loved, the person you wanted to marry. You now say you care about me and “ALWAYS” will. To call you if ever I need something. That’s bs. You want to call me if you ever need something and that’s just sometimes and sometimes isn’t enough for me. It’s not enough. Come and be with me or leave me to get my life back. Give me my life back.

[gotbushels]

Hey Larmoyant

I feel the confusion in your post that used to be a part of my life. "It’s all of me or nothing because I love you." She's playing with my hair in her lap. Ideal. I feel it coming, another episode. But I'm so tired. Objects start flying. Vilified. In her mind, my supposed "value" crosses the breakup-makeup line like a car going forward and backward on one of those thick rubber strips in the road, jerk... .krej... .jerk... .krej... .I'm so tired. Didn't I do what you told me?

I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU. YOU'RE $#^%.

Larmoyant your ex didn't have your life to begin with, it belonged to you. That person also didn't have a right to whether you were at peace or happy. Despite what they said or claimed or did, and the unreasonable reasonableness that added to all of it--I encourage you to find it in yourself to not let them claim rights that didn't belong to them in the first place.

[Wize]

Give me my life back.

He doesn't have your life, you do.  Now take hold of it and realize that you deserve far better than what he has to offer.  Keep forging ahead, keep venting when you need to, keep expressing what's on your mind and heal.  You will soon discover how refreshing it is when your life isn't being poisoned by a toxic person.  You love him now, as I still love my ex... .but loving someone does not make them right.  They are right when they treat you right.

[Raspberry]

NO ONE has the ability to break you if you dont let them. I can tell that you're hurting a lor right now but don't give your ex the power. Dont go back and let the healing begin NOW 

[Violettine]

She's playing with my hair in her lap.

You mean as you type? Or metaphorically?

[gotbushels]

She's playing with my hair in her lap.

You mean as you type? Or metaphorically?

Metaphorically. And hair on head. Face up. And thinking of... .Dostoyevsky?

[Larmoyant]

Despite what they said or claimed or did, and the unreasonable reasonableness that added to all of it--I encourage you to find it in yourself to not let them claim rights that didn't belong to them in the first place.

Gotbushels, I think I’ve started this. I’ve told him to please don’t call anymore. He doesn’t know the address of my new place which is also good. I’m relieved he doesn’t know because I feel safe, protected by this new place, but I can’t yet completely close the door. It hurts too much. So here I am trying desperately to get away and at the same time waiting for him to call me. Madness!  I sometimes wonder why I gave up on myself like this.

[Meili]

I sometimes wonder why I gave up on myself like this.

Until you start to figure that out, you'll likely remain stuck. You can do yourself a huge favor on that journey by establishing and enforcing boundaries that make you comfortable. For many of us, the best boundary is to accomplish that is NC. It brings its own pain, but also provides a sense of control and security.

Something else to consider is that he isn't in control of anything, you are. You are making your choices. You are deciding which pain you want to endure and which future you want to create. Ask yourself if you want a future of the pain that you have been enduring, or if you want a future free o fit?

I know, all too well, that the pain that you continue to experience with him is all too familiar and easy to handle because of that. But, your history tells you that the cycles will repeat and that you have no reasonable expectation that it will ever change. Is that truly what you want in your life?

A beautiful part of all of this is that the choice that you make today isn't the choice that you have to make tomorrow. So, do yourself a favor and give yourself some breathing room and figure out what you actually want. Does that life include the pain and suffering of an abusive r/s?

[gotbushels]

Gotbushels, I think I’ve started this.

It makes it sound like you're starting a fight.

Try to recall the positive reasons. Dwell there. It helped me when I did it. This included: breaking destructive cycle; breaking dysfunctional behaviour between two people; breaking unhealthy long-term behaviour; breaking the going-nowhere. I.e., draw recognition of the unhealthy things from your relationship and what you are doing is some action to remove the unhealthy patterns. Recognise the healthy actions, any. When you find it, pause. Dwell there long enough to relax, then continue your day's agenda. Sometimes it's a conscious repeating to ourselves to recall the good things.

I’ve told him to please don’t call anymore. He doesn’t know the address of my new place which is also good. I’m relieved he doesn’t know because I feel safe, protected by this new place, but I can’t yet completely close the door.

I'm glad for your safety and I'm glad it's buying you time. Time not only to instate the behaviour you've chosen (more praiseworthy than if someone forced you to do it), but also time to get some safety on a level that allows you to think:)

It hurts too much. So here I am trying desperately to get away and at the same time waiting for him to call me. Madness!  I sometimes wonder why I gave up on myself like this.

Larmoyant, I want to point this out because I think it's important. You are experiencing desperate hurt yet wanting. Push and pull. This is to experience two emotions simultaneously. If you pay attention to it, it feels mixed. It is not madness. I went through it and many people tend do this automatically. Yet, there are very strong reasons why BPs struggle deeply to do this. When I discovered this is the case, I saw it as a positive signal that indeed she didn't harm me so much. Appropriate mixed states--while uncomfortable--are sometimes very normal. Take heart:)

[schwing]

... .but I can’t yet completely close the door. It hurts too much. So here I am trying desperately to get away and at the same time waiting for him to call me. Madness!  I sometimes wonder why I gave up on myself like this.

It feels like madness.  But I think of it as (painful) self-discovery; even as growing pains.  You are finding out something about yourself that is in conflict with something else you believe about yourself.  And these two (or more) ideas that don't fit together.  So you need to choose.

The conflicting beliefs I held were:

(1) I felt broken in a way that I thought only she (my uBPDgf) could heal - we were both broken and could support each other.  That's why I felt like I couldn't give up on her.  Because I didn't want her to give up on me.  I thought she would never give up on me until she gave up on me.

(2) I can mend this broken aspect of myself, on my own.  I never believed I could, until this was the only other alternative.  Until I had no other choice.

Maybe you believe that being with your BPD loved one is less painful than not being with him.  Maybe you believe that you cannot survive this pain that you feel should you completely close the door.

I believe you can.  And even if you gave up on yourself before, you can choose to not give up on yourself now.

You don't want to give up on yourself.  If you give up on yourself... .if you consider yourself not worth saving, then who else would be willing to help you?   You cannot help someone who is unwilling to help themselves.

And no matter how much it hurts, it will pass.  You are strong enough to bear it.  And if you are willing to learn from it, you will be a stronger person for it.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Larmoyant]

Gotbushels, it did sound like I was starting a fight   I do feel like I’m in some sort of battle at the moment. With myself! Caught up in all these conflicting emotions.

I wrote this post not long after he contacted me which triggered a lot of pain, but a couple of days later and I’ve started to feel better again. It comes in waves. I really do feel like I’m at a crossroads, but trapped in the pain of it all unable to make a firm decision.

I still cannot bring myself to completely block him, I feel weak for admitting it, but it just feels too painful. At the same time I can see how much it would benefit me. I’m a ball of mixed emotions, but I'm trying to work through them.

On the positive side I am in my new place. Two weeks now and with it has come a sense of safety and peace. I can breathe! My therapist is always telling me to breathe. Things are becoming increasingly clear and I am optimistic that soon, very soon, I’m going to be able to take a leap of faith and start rebuilding my life.

For now, I’m just going to give myself a little bit more time. Thank you all so much for your responses. I've printed them out they helped so much. I noticed that Skip changed the title of this post, and I'd like to change it again to "It's the confusion. Do I want you or not?". Because he doesn't have control over my life, I do.

[Meili]

I still cannot bring myself to completely block him, I feel weak for admitting it, but it just feels too painful. At the same time I can see how much it would benefit me. I’m a ball of mixed emotions, but I'm trying to work through them.

Maybe you should look at this a little bit deeper? Maybe you can think about what blocking him would actually mean to you and the actual feelings that you experience with those thoughts? I'm guessing that your what you are thinking and feeling when you consider blocking him would be very telling to you and give you a place from which to work. It did for me.

Prior to actually taking the time to face what I was actually thinking and feeling, I was nothing more than the ball of mixed emotions that you mentioned. I had no real, clear idea of what I wanted or where I wanted to go. I just knew that I hurt. I just knew that I wasn't thinking clearly. I just knew that something was wrong. It wasn't until I actually, and literally, asked myself why I refuse to block her from all forms of contact that I started to have a clearer understanding of where I'm actually at in this whole process. I'm not necessarily happy with the response, but at least I was honest with myself and had a place from which to start to work.

[Peterpan]

paramount

Is your post about your thoughts to her or vice versa?

This is exactly how I felt with my ex. I never considered it as push pull because the contact was always there, it felt more like back forth in the depth/ status of our relationship. The intensity and mixed signals actually groom us thus leading us to confusion. The depth of the bonding through dosing is so great that it creates abandonment fears into US.

The words you wrote were my words, my thoughts every time he backed off/ changed his way of talking or writing to me/ stopped wanting to be intimate with me. I'm ashamed to say this but that bonding went so deep into me that I considered his and my relationship to be my primary connection, marriages were forgotten about and lived with, at least on my part as you would with a lodger.

I knew his patterns were not normal, his behaviour obsessive, and not good for me, but I also knew I was petrified at not having him in my life, I felt like a lab rat being fed and craving his habitual contact. I believed that he loved me all be it in his own way. He had hurt me deeply in the past, I went back and stayed each time lowering my boundaries until I felt that I was beyond feeling taken for granted. I knew if it ended it would feel akin to a death and I was right, the pain even though I walked away is something I never want to feel again in my life.

With real love you should never have to question what your status is, you should be lovers and friends and companions, never only one of the other and never feeling confused. Yes i know that is different if it's an extra marital thing, but it never felt that way, I was his and he was mine, he was all I could think about. How did that happen? Most people would have walked at the first hurdle. It is all about breaking through the addiction and trauma bonds in your own time and everyone is unique with varying time frames.

I wanted to die six months ago, I couldn't function, but now everything is clearer, what I meant to him is clearer. I still love him but know he can't be in my life. You will feel that way too. One day the pain won't be so bad I promise.

Oh and the strange  thing he said to me?

He'd pursued me for months. We finally kissed, the next day he created a drama at home. I asked if he wanted to stop this before it went any further. He said " NO, you are the only thing that keeps me sane"

Wed had one kiss and met for coffee once. What he said made no sense to me whatsoever.

[bunny4523]

Larmoyant,

Sometimes it isn't so much about wanting them to call you to get back together.  But just wanting them to call you to say,"Hey, you are a good person and I know you tried to love me. We just weren't good for each other.  We both did things to hurt one another."

That kind of thing... .

Think about that and see if it fits for you.  That is easier to address and work through than loving and yearning for someone who mistreated you to come back.  That one is harder because it means there are things that are broken in you that you need to focus on. 

Bunny

[Mr Orange]

Totally relate to where you're at right now. I'm at a crossroads myself. I separated from my wife 4 months ago because I couldn't take the toxic chaos anymore. And out of hope that she would somehow see the damage she does and acknowledge she needs help. Thus far, she has not.

With this illness, it really is all about them. It seems cruel and it often angers me but I try to remind myself that I'm basically dealing with a child who has been so damaged during her formative years that she can't function as a normal adult. Sometimes that helps minimize the pain,mother times not so much. Realize it's totally normal for you to feel so conflicted. You truly loved this person. I'm not claiming to understand this BPD stuff but it just seems to me they can't really love us the way we love them. More like they're just trying to survive with awful coping skills.

I don't know if this will help you but I found it empowering to acknowledge that I won't be with someone who doesn't treat me the way I should be treated in a committed relationship. It doesn't mean I'm a cold uncaring person, even though she will likely play that card bc that's all she knows. It just means I respect myself enough to care about my needs. Im betting many of us on this site put our needs in a hole and buried them for a long time while we tried to help the BPD person as they thrash around drowning in their own storm. Sad thing is, at a point they're just gonna drown you with them.

Vent all you need. Getting those emotions out helps find peace and clarity

Best,

Orange