Again, I'm new here. Currently separated 4 months from wife who I suspect may have BPD, but has never been diagnosed. She has been diagnosed as having PTSD at some point. Anyway, I know there are tons of threads probably on here about all the red flags you missed at first, but are so clear in hindsight. I'm going to post my
list. It's probably more therapeutic for me than anything else, but I would also be curious to hear which ones others have also experienced and also any members overall impression of my wife (with the understanding that I know you guys aren't here to diagnose anyone). So here we go... .
1) Met her on an online dating site. All of her photos were about 3-5 years old, so when I met her I was a bit surprised because she had gained about 40-50 lbs since those photos. Didn't change my interest level, but it was pretty odd.
2) We met at a coffee shop for our first date/meeting on a Friday. She wanted to hang out the next day, and then again on Sunday. So we spent the whole weekend together. By Sunday, she told me a bunch of personal stuff like her child sex abuse, being raped by a boyfriend, very personal stuff about her depression. For me it was odd to have someone share so much personal stuff so quick.
3) Pushed for us to go from dating status to full on relationship after two weeks of knowing each other. Mentioned other guys she was still talking to from the dating site. She later admitted that was an attempt to get me to commit.
4) Said because of her beliefs she would not have sex until marriage. I was fine with that. However, she initiated a lot of fooling around that was like porn type stuff. I won't go into graphic details. I'm sure you get the picture, but trust me I'm not talking garden variety messing around.
5) Told me she loved me after a month together.
6) First time she showed hints of anger/rage problems, I was having trouble falling asleep. I woke her up and asked if she had a benadryl or something that might help. She got really aggravated that I woke her up, but did get one for me. After we laid back down I moved a couple of times and she got incredibly angry at me. I got up and slept on the sofa because I was scared to move a muscle. She realized I had moved to the couch, came in the living room and started having an emotional meltdown, sobbing, mad, etc.
7) Her "best friend" came into town from another state to meet me and my best friend at dinner. Her best friend was a wreck. She showed up to a 7pm dinner wasted on alcohol and xanax. She could barely get to the table. She also made my friend very uncomfortable by flirting with him repeatedly and of course he wasn't interested.
8) Brought up marriage after 4 months of dating and said she expected us to be engaged by New Year's eve. We had met in June of that same year.
9) Had a meltdown on the night before the wedding. She wanted all of these elaborate decorations hung up and we were all (the whole wedding party) helping her till late into the evening. Her maid of honor suggested putting off finishing it until the morning. She pretty much lashed out at everyone. Even her bridesmaids were shaking their heads and felt bad for me.
10) Was curt and short with me a number of different times on our actual wedding day. It really spoiled the experience for me.
11) Honeymoon was a disaster. We went to Colorado. She got made at me for getting altitude sickness and said I ruined a special once in a lifetime experience.
12) Her mother is one of the strangest people I've ever met. Real nice on the surface but in a way that comes off as plastic and fake to most people. She has no since of boundaries and I have seen her a number of times in person belittle my wife, and be incredibly rude and cruel to her laid back husband.
There are probably others, but those are the ones that stick out.
